When I think of dangerous places, I generally think of the jungles of Africa or the Amazon or the Australian outback with all its evil flora, fauna and critters. Little did I know, when I moved to Ottawa three years ago, that this seemingly quiet little suburban city was actually The Most Dangerous Place on Earth!!
1. Our roving bands of wild coyotes have been making international headlines for some time, of course. A whole bunch or maybe even millions of coyotes, confused by their woodland homes having been turned into suburbs overnight, keep invading backyards — wantonly eating cats and small children. The horror! The horror! In an effort to battle this blight, we added roving bands of wild guys with guns to the mix. They tried real hard to wipe out the entire world’s population of coyotes. I don’t think they did.
2. Even while most eyes were focussed on the coyote disaster, an even larger problem was looming on the horizon – Moose! Suddenly, moose were “wandering”! In places where people could see them! Wandering!!! Moose are big. And big things are always scary. So the Ottawa police went in hot pursuit of the moose, running them to ground and killing them with guns or their bare hands whenever they could. The citizens of Capital City can once again sleep safely in their beds. Phew! (For now).
3. And then, just this week, the city was once again plunged into terror by the invasion of Giant Toxic Hogweed. Moose are big, but these things are “giant”, which is really, really big. And they’re toxic, meaning they attack and kill people. At first I thought maybe they were just pretty but unpleasant plants like nettles or poison ivy, but from the media frenzy over the last few days, I now understand that our lives are in peril. There’s really nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide. The Ottawa police and the coyote hunters have been scurrying around the city shooting the Giant Toxic Hogweeds but they just won’t die. I think we may be doomed. This guy doesn’t seem to know his Giant Toxic Hogweed could pounce and kill him at any moment.
At least we don’t have to worry about Giant Toxic Killer Beavers like Red Deer, Alberta. Seriously! These national icons have been attacking people’s dogs and gnawing them to bits! (At least I think the article says “dogs”. It might be a typo and should really read “logs”. That wouldn’t be quite so bad and more understandable, though not as newsworthy, I suppose. But still…
Maybe we should buy some more guns and stuff in case the killer beavers head this way?
And while we’re at it, when are we going to do something about the Giant Toxic Ottawa Politicians? Which of these two should we go after first?
The Tory with the Tongs
The Grit with the Cheese
For the love of God, HELP US!!!