Ottawa: The Most Dangerous Place on Earth!!

When I think of dangerous places, I generally think of the jungles of Africa or the Amazon or the Australian outback with all its evil flora, fauna and critters. Little did I know, when I moved to Ottawa three years ago, that this seemingly quiet little suburban city was actually The Most Dangerous Place on Earth!!

1.  Our roving bands of wild coyotes have been making international headlines for some time, of course. A whole bunch or maybe even millions of coyotes, confused by their woodland homes having been turned into suburbs overnight, keep invading backyards —  wantonly eating cats and small children. The horror! The horror! In an effort to battle this blight, we added roving bands of wild guys with guns to the mix. They tried real hard to wipe out the entire world’s population of coyotes. I don’t think they did.

2.  Even while most eyes were focussed on the coyote disaster, an even larger problem was looming on the horizon – Moose!  Suddenly, moose were “wandering”! In places where people could see them! Wandering!!! Moose are big. And big things are always scary. So the Ottawa police went in hot pursuit of the moose, running  them to ground and killing them with guns or their bare hands whenever they could. The citizens of Capital City can once again sleep safely in their beds.  Phew! (For now).

3.  And then, just this week, the city was once again plunged into terror by the invasion of Giant Toxic Hogweed.  Moose are big, but these things are “giant”, which is really, really big. And they’re toxic, meaning they attack and kill people. At first I thought maybe they were just pretty but unpleasant plants like nettles or poison ivy, but from the media frenzy over the last few days, I now understand that our lives are in peril. There’s really nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide. The Ottawa police and the coyote hunters have been scurrying around the city shooting the Giant Toxic Hogweeds but they just won’t die. I think we may be doomed. This guy doesn’t seem to know his Giant Toxic Hogweed could pounce and kill him at any moment.

At least we don’t have to worry about Giant Toxic Killer Beavers like Red Deer, Alberta. Seriously! These national icons have been attacking people’s dogs and gnawing them to bits! (At least I think  the article says “dogs”. It might be a typo and should really read “logs”. That wouldn’t be quite so bad and more understandable,  though not as newsworthy, I suppose.  But still…

Maybe we should buy some more guns and stuff in case the killer beavers head this way?

And while we’re at it, when are we going to do something about the Giant Toxic Ottawa Politicians? Which of these two should we go after first? 

The Tory with the Tongs       



The Grit with the Cheese



For the love of God, HELP US!!!                                                       





18 responses to “Ottawa: The Most Dangerous Place on Earth!!

  1. bwaahahaha! Man, that hog weed it crazy big. shouldn’t it be called giant-assed-tall-blindness-inducing weed? hogs are short and fat and sort of cute, and well you don’t hear of many hog killings do you?

    moose killing police? i am still walking around with a bag on my head when i leave the city boundaries for that one.

  2. Has the Diefinbunker started to sublet rooms? Sounds like the end times to me. I bet the Ottawa politicians will vote to nuke the evil toxic weed with a nasty pesticide killing all weeds and wildlife. All scary problem(s) solved. Just wait…

  3. That surprises me about the beaver killing that dog in the water. But as the article says, the beaver treated the dog as a predator. It was just doing what came natural. I imagine beavers are vicious but hadn’t thought of them overpowering a dog, which on land anyway, seems much more agile. Sneaky, XUP… you got me to read the whole post and then snuck in the politics at the end.

  4. OH. MY. GOD!!! All this crazy nature attacking us. How dare it? I don’t care if we’re on its territory.

    As for the hogwee, thanks for reminding me of my youth. Genesis. Return of the Giant Hogweed… Maybe Ottawa should make it their theme song.

    Turn and run!
    Nothing can stop them,
    Around every river and canal their power is growing.
    Stamp them out!
    We must destroy them,
    They infiltrate each city with their thick dark warning odour.

    They are invincible,
    They seem immune to all our herbicidal battering.

    Long ago in the Russian hills,
    A Victorian explorer found the regal hogweed by a marsh,
    He captured it and brought it home.
    Botanical creature stirs, seeking revenge.
    Royal beast did not forget.
    He came home to London,
    And made a present of the hogweed to the royal gardens at Kew.

    Waste no time!
    They are approaching.
    Hurry now, we must protect ourselves and find some shelter
    Strike by night!
    They are defenceless.
    They all need the sun to photosensitize their venom.

    Still they’re invincible,
    Still they’re immune to all our herbicidal battering.

    Fashionable country gentlemen had some cultivated wild gardens,
    In which they innocently planted the giant hogweed throughout the land.
    Botanical creature stirs, seeking revenge.
    Royal beast did not forget.
    Soon they escaped, spreading their seed,
    Preparing for an onslaught, threatening the human race.

    The dance of the giant hogweed

    Mighty hogweed is avenged.
    Human bodies soon will know our anger.
    Kill them with your hogweed hairs
    Heracleum mantegazziani

    Giant hogweed lives

  5. I never realized that beavers were so aggressive. They never seemed like a particularly vicious animal. I know all animals are territorial but they seem like they’d be more timid than to attack something as big as a dog. Who knew?

    And toxic plants that can burn you or make you go blind? WTF? Ottawa is dangerous. It all looks so friendly and innocent too….it makes it all that much more scary.

  6. Smothermother – This city is a laugh-riot each and every day, isn’t it?

    MM – I have my suite reserved at the Diefenbunker. Don’t you??? GASP!

    Davina – I’ve had those crazy photos of Harper and Ignatieff saved up itching for a chance to use them. Did you embiggen them? They’re so freakin’ goofy.

    Jazz – Way cool!! I don’t remember this song. We should definitely think about adopting it for our anthem.

    Kimberly – Ottawa is a powder-keg of danger just waiting to blow up. I’m making secret plans to evacuate asap.

    Friar – Now there’s something you should have woodburned into a plaque for your wall: Respect the Beaver!

  7. I think I encountered Giant Toxic Hogweed in Vancouver as a child. I have a scar on my thumb from the sap of a plant I remember looking similar.

  8. Poor Meese!
    We just had a mayor in a nearby suburb kill her daughter and then kill herself. In the news reports I think it said Texas ties with Florida for the most murder/suicides in the country. I think Giant Toxic Hogweed is better than that.

    Here’s a poem I wrote for this post:

    The meese and the ky-otes were losing their ground
    The Ottawa marshalls were hunting them down
    Both under seige they banded together
    They toughed out the gunners and Ottawa weather.
    They asked, “What can we do in this time of great need?”
    Then they filled up the town with Giant Toxic Hogweed.

  9. To add to your list of potentially deadly things:
    Hot Air Balloons!

    I’m locking my doors & hiding in the basement.

  10. Davina – Don’t you think a country’s leader (or potential leader) should be a wee bit photogenic instead of looking like 6-year-olds who were told they were getting their picture taken now?

    Milan – You should write your memoirs! You’ve lived through a Giant Toxic Hogweed attack. Instant street cred.

    Geewits – Ha ha ha ha – what a great poem. I should send this to the paper. Humans kill each other up here all the time, too. In fact, we’ve had 2 serial killers in the last year in these parts.

    Friar – Feel free to have some t-shirts made up. They should get you lots of dates.

    Glen – OMG – Yes! How could I have forgotten about the earthquake that sent Ottawans running screaming into the streets or the hot air balloon that glided gently to the earth and caused at least one passenger to see her life flashing before her eyes. H1N1 was international, but we certainly over-reacted to it in fine Ottawa form.

  11. I’ve heard there’s another thing that can make you go blind, and grow hair on your palms while you’re at it! It does it in a much more pleasurable way, but it doesn’t generally make headlines… No clue why, really.

  12. Your take seems more level-headed than the newspapers. Still can’t believe they shot the moose. What have they got in their water coolers?

  13. XUP,
    There is always balance in nature. The reason you have Moose problems is that you are hunting the coyotes. Instead, get rid of the vigilante hunters and train the coyotes to hunt the Moose which is something they have a natural talent for. That takes care of your coyote and meese problems.

    As we all know, Ottawa is infested with politicians or Parliament Hill Hogs as we know them affectionately. Hence the Giant Toxic Hogweed is just the thing to thin down their numbers even as politicians gobble down the weed. Again balance.

    Don’t worry about killer beavers. There is no problem there that some counseling won’t help. They are just reacting to years of bad beaver jokes.

    If you need any further explanations, don’t hesitate to ask the Squirrel (now in collaboration with Paul the Octopus) and be thankful that you don’t have any killer tomatoes.

  14. The Maven – Only if you’re Pee Wee Herman

    Pearl – The Moose are large and frightening. Large and frightening things must be killed. Haven’t you been keeping up with your 1960s sci-fi?

    LGS – Thanks Oh Wise and Wonderful Squirrel. I will pass on your wisdom to those who claim to be in charge.