Since it’s Halloween, I thought this might be a good time to share with you the secrets of becoming a successful commercial psychic. I’m sure some of you have genuine psychic abilities so please understand I am in no way mocking those with this tutorial. Today I am speaking to those of us without any real psychic powers but who are looking for a spooky way to make a few bucks.
It’s fun and easy to learn to be a psychic:
1. Adopt a persona. People expect psychics to be a bit eccentric and other-worldy, but don’t go overboard. Just a few odd touches that will also serve to distract the client a bit from what you’re actually saying – crazy hair perhaps, held up with binder clips; or some old, large and peculiar piece of jewelry; or just some really sparkly piece of clothing.
2. Anybody with some basic observational skills can be a good psychic. If you weren’t already interested in people and what makes them tick, you wouldn’t even be considering a career as a psychic.
3. Begin by telling the client basic things about themselves that are flattering and generic enough that everyone will be astonished at how accurately you’ve read them. Tell them they are wise old souls that have had to learn the lessons of life the hard way. No one will ever disagree with that statement. Tell them you sense a special talent or gift deep within them that hasn’t been given the opportunity to be nurtured and used to its full potential. Tell them they are very loyal to those important to them, but that this loyalty has not always been repaid. You get the idea. Just go on like this for a few minutes and they’ll be primed to believe anything else you tell them when you move into the “seeing into the future” phase.
4. People who visit psychics want to know about 4 basic topics: health, money, career and love life. You know this because you’re psychic and so will talk about these topics without them having to ask.
5. It’s a pretty safe bet to tell someone they’re concerned about a health issue. Everyone has, or knows someone close to them who has a health issue. Say, “I sense some anxiety about a medical problem – does that mean something to you?” Always prompt them with this type of question because it will give you good clues on how to move forward. Most people will say “yes”; some will elaborate. Tell them that the positive strength they have within them will help them meet the challenge of this illness and/or help their friend/loved one with their illness. Whatever you do don’t promise them anything and make sure they understand they still need to follow medical advice. You don’t want to get your ass sued.
6. Everyone is also concerned about money. Say, “Money has been on your mind a lot lately. Is there something special you need to know?” They might tell you or they might just want to know how their money situation is going to be in the future. Tell them it’s not going to be easy and it’s unlikely they’re ever going to be rich. (They waste their money on stuff like psychics, afterall) But, assure them that they’ll always have enough to be comfortable if they tap into their inner financial wisdom. (Always turn whatever you tell them back on to them with an “if” statement like that).
7. Ask them if they’re happy in their jobs. Most will say no or not really. Cut them off before they finish and say, “Of course not! How could you be when you’ve been so undervalued by your superiors. They have no idea what you are really capable of, do they?” Tell them they’ll have to stay put for a bit longer but that you see a significant career move for them within a year. Say, it looks like it will be something in the arts. Most people who go to psychics also fancy themselves artistic.
8. Love life. This one is tricky but somewhere along the line you will have gotten clues as to whether or not the client is involved with someone and how happy they are in that relationship. If not, you can prompt with questions like, “Relationships haven’t always been easy for you, have they?” or “I see a dark/fair-haired man/woman, does that mean anything to you? (Adjust adjectives accordingly) or “I am getting a sense that there is someone who loves you very much.” Then go on to tell them that this person is either, a) their current partner; or, b) someone they already know but haven’t seen in a romantic light yet; or, c) someone they will meet very soon. (Depending on whether or not they’re currently involved and happy).
9. Save some time to throw in some messages from the dead. Everyone likes to receive messages from the dead. Best bet is to announce that, “Someone who has passed wants me to ask you to forgive them. I can’t see if it’s a man or a woman, but they can’t rest because they treated you poorly when they were on earth and need to apologize.” This will freak the client out as he/she tries to think of who this might be. The older the client is the more likely they are to have someone both mean and dead in their lives.
10. Finally, in order to give yourself an unassailable reputation of integrity, every once in a while, when a client comes in that you don’t particularly like, become very agitated as soon as they sit down. Breathe deeply a few times while staring at them, then look away, ostensibly to hide the horror in your eyes. Jump up and say, “I’m sorry. I can’t do a reading for you. You have to leave NOW. Here’s your money back.” And then hustle them quickly out the door.
One last bit of advice – never do parties, people will compare notes. On the other hand, if you can have a shill at the party who will feed you information on the guests, then go ahead. Good luck in your new career.
Oh, and I am available for psychic readings via email. Send your questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org