Six Attics

Well, it’s no surprise that Tiger Woods is now in re-hab for “sex addiction.” It seems to be a very popular affliction among celebrities – especially male celebs. Some experts don’t believe sex addiction is real. They reckon it’s just an excuse people who like to screw around use to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions. They reckon these celebrity guys have so many women throwing themselves at them they just can’t say “no”. But then again, not being able to say “no” to stuff is a sign of addiction, isn’t it?

Celebrities like Charlie Sheen, Jack Nicholson and Julio Iglesias all claim to have had sex with a couple thousand women. But they’re rank amateurs next to guys like Mick Jagger-Keith Richards (They’re hyphenated because they “do each other’s bitches”) or Gene Simmons who’ve had four to five thousand each or Wilt Chamberlain who claims, in his biography, to have bedded close to 20,000 women.

For women there is actually a competition to determine The World’s Biggest Slut. It used to be held in the US, but Americans lost interest in the event around 2001, so it’s now held in Warsaw, Poland. The event is whimsically called World Gangbang Competition  and some porn star called Lisa Sparxxx won it last year by doing 919 men in 12 hours, beating the previous year’s winner by 160.

Every year, guys apply (in droves) to participate in this competition. They have to pay their own way to the event; pay for their own accommodation and other expenses. They get nothing in return except “bragging rights”. They get carefully screened for stuff like STD’s and maybe loserdom or something, I don’t know. Then they hang around eagerly awaiting their turn up to bat. They get prepped by one of the helper-sluts to make sure they’re ready to go when it’s their turn. Then they get to spend at least 30 seconds, but no more than 60 seconds genitally connected to the would-be Queen Slut. Each sexual contact is carefully watched, rated and counted by referees and 6 cameras are used to record the event.

Probably all of these people have some problems we ordinary non-celebrity, non-porn stars can’t possibly comprehend. By the time we’re in our late 40s, us regular people only have about 8.6 sexual partners if we’re women or 31.9 sexual partners if we’re men.

What’s that you say? You’re way over those numbers and fear you might be a celebrity-caliber sex-addict? Fortunately, there’s this handy checklist so you can see if you need help:

  1. Have you had more than 20,000 sex partners in your life or more than 919 in one day?
  2. Have you quit your job so you can spend both your days and nights cruising Internet porn sites, sex shops, x-rated movie theatres, strip clubs and hookers?
  3. Are you one of the 19% of guys polled who said they would have sex with Brad Pitt if it meant they could have Angelina Jolie afterwards?
  4. Are you one of the 90% of women polled who said they would have sex with Angelina Jolie and not bother with Brad Pitt?
  5. Have you replaced your bed with a conveyor belt?
  6. Have you ever been arrested, convicted and jailed for illegal sexual activity for the express purpose of experiencing the high of prison sex?
  7. Do you feel kind of crappy about how your life is going?
  8. Do you need to use a pumice stone every day to keep those stubborn genital calluses under control?
  9. Are you engaged in some sort of sexual activity right now?

If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, you may have a problem. If you’re  feeling a little grubby and would really like a long, hot shower right about now, you’re perfectly normal.

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32 responses to “Six Attics

  1. In response to your first question: I haven’t hit double digits yet.

    And as for #3, I’d make the beast with two backs with Mr. Pitt if it meant that I could have a go with his first wife Jennifer Anniston. But don’t let that get around.

  2. The “World’s Biggest Gangbang” is a sham. I remember that at the HOUSTON 620 they actually had something like 180 guys – and Ron Jeremy. All those claims about thousands of women are BS. 20,000? Impossible. Even being generous it was estimated that Ron Jeremy – A PRO(!) had sex with between 4 and 5000 – TOPS!
    The first to make a claim like that was the infamous John C. Holmes who had claimed that he had sex with over 14,000 women. His manager and only friend came right out and said “That was bullshit.”
    I quit counting by the way….

  3. My ex supposedly had counseling for sexual addiction which sure wasn’t evident in our lives. It’s amazing the secret lives people can have. I heard that they wanted to do interviews with men who looked at porn on the Internet and those who didn’t but they had to cancel the study because they couldn’t find any men who didn’t watch porn. It’s getting to be a sick world out there.

  4. I never thought the numbers added up. How can all these men have been with all these women if women have way fewer sex partners and the population is roughly equal? Somebody’s lying! I think women lie lower and men lie higher. (Ha ha I had typed “…and men lie bigger” and then realized my words didn’t match up). As far as rehabs go, it’s really just intensive therapy and I think they should have them for everything. Like:
    ~People who talk too much and don’t listen
    ~People who buy whatever is popular
    ~People who ignore their children
    ~People who are crazy nosy
    ~People who like drama
    ~People that think everything is awful
    And so many more. Hey, why not?

  5. As a lesbian, I don’t agree that if I were to answer yes to question 3, somehow that choice would make me a deviant, or that I have “a problem”. I’m just a regular lesbian, with a regular life. Not that you have to be queer to think that Angelina Jolie is hot, mind you.

  6. Hahahah! Ho-Lee shit! I NEVER know what you’re going to blog about next.

    One day, it’s about Stephen Harper proroguing Parliament. The next day, it’s about the Slut-of-the-Year competition.

    Speaking of which….Good Lord.

    Who’d want to be Guy #919?

    Or even Guy #2, for that matter? (Ew.)

    As for 31.9 partners…REALLY?

    Geezus. I’m really behind the bell-curve, then.

    Better get cracking, and play catch-up.

  7. Dr. Monkey – Really? You’d do Brad Pitt? Would he have to be wearing make-up and a dress or are you okay with his current bearded-guy look, too?

    Lebowski – Why is the Gangbang a sham? You mean these women don’t actually engage in sexual contact with hundreds of men in one day? Or what? I mean, you can buy the video and watch the whole sordid thing. I reckon if Wilt had one different woman every day for 50 years he could have done 20,000. Some days maybe he did a whole room full so then he could have a week off. And I can totally see skanks like Mick Jaggar having thousands of women.

    Linda – Ha ha – what’s the point of having a sex addict husband if he’s on the wagon at home, right? Men sure are funny.

    Geewits – I guess the same women are doing all these guys. Like rock star groupies who go around “collecting” rock stars. And then there’s people like Lisa Sparxxx. And you’re right. Probably we all have some sort of disorder that could excuse our bad behaviour without us having to worry about feeling responsible! Cool.

    Heather – You’re right. That was a hetero-oriented question. I will amend the “you’ve got a problem” tally to say “if you answered yes to more than one question” you may have a problem. How’s that? But I do think the question implied that a lot of people – men and women – are into Angelina. And, as I understand it, she’s also into both men and women. So, it’s a win win.

    Friar – Well, if you’re not 50 yet you still have time to get to your 31.9 quota. Of course, that’s an average and there are probably guys your age who’ve bedded 80 women, so someone has to be a martyr and have lower numbers.

    Meanie – I know eh? The first time I heard about it, I couldn’t get the whole idea out of my head for days – weeks even. I can’t even imagine how she’s not permanently damaged after that. The woman she was competing against was the champion last year. It’s just completely gruesome. Pretty much everything in this post today is.

  8. Interesting. What I really want to know is who in their right mind would sleep with someone (ie. Mick Jagger) who has slept with that many women? He and all the other celebrity male whores are probably exaggerating, but I’m sure he’s had way more than his fair share and you have to wonder who would willingly lose their health (and self respect) by sleeping with them?

  9. As far as the averages for men and women’s partners goes I was once asked by a parent if I thought the high schoolers I was coaching then were different than when we were in school in regards to their sex lives.
    I said I thought they were just about the same.
    There was more going on than the girls admitted and way less going on than the boys claimed.
    Now although I have been with thousands of women I cca see that that would be well nigh impossible for ordinary mortal men.

  10. Well it isn’t really one thousand guys is all I am saying. Part of the logistics of it all is that not everyone really gets a “kick at the can” so to speak.
    50*365=18,250…. and the guy would STILL have to practice playing basketball! and fit in the occasional game! LOL!
    Mind you it does beg the following question – “Why are the guys – Chamberlain, Jagger et al being slagged?”
    Doesn’t it say less about the girls/women who actually allow themselves to be used by these soi disant manwhores? I believe that term is “Star-fucker”. Its not like those guys are going out and actually having to meet these women and seducing them. Like Gene Simmons once said when asked if all the girls were hot like his “wife” Shannon Tweed – “If they were in the line up at the door then they get some.” Says as much about the women as the men doesn’t it?
    On a more personal note – I am not defending their “action” so to speak….. I just wish there was a line up at my door. Even a short one. 😦

  11. So…at what point (between having 1 and 919 partners), does one cross the line from being “The World’s Biggest Slut” to being just a DSDR?

    (Designated Semen Disposal Receptacle)

  12. Pauline – I have no answers. I have no capacity for even trying to unravel the logistics or mindsets behind any of this. They’re like Bonobo monkeys only not nearly as cute.

    Robert – Why thank you for the TW sighting update. Keep up the good work.

    Dave – Maybe when I used the term “been with thousands of women” you didn’t understand that this meant “engaged in sexual activity with thousands of women”. Just “being with” them as in a crowded shopping mall or in Oprah’s studio audience, doesn’t count as actually having “been with thousands of women”. I just want to make sure we’re speaking the same language here.

    Lebowski – I see I’ve come up with a topic that really sparks your interest. How many guys is it that she has to accommodate in order to win? How does that work then if not all 919 get a “kick at the can”? I’m thinking even if it’s more than 2 in one day that would be nasty enough. However, I suppose if each of the 919 only got one or two thrusts, in the end it would only add up to a few really intense dates…maybe… I don’t know. I don’t even want to think about it anymore. I’m sorry there are no line-ups at your door. I guess the Jehovah Witnesses don’t count, eh?

    Friar – I don’t think anyone actually is allowed to make any deposits. It’s pretty much just – in..out…next. I mean, they only get an average of 45 seconds. Does that seem long to you??? I was amazed to hear that the US no longer wanted to host these things. How bad does something have to be for the US to reject it?

    LesterBee – No, I believe they are referring to 20,000 different partners – although how would you even be able to keep track? Wouldn’t their…um… “face” all start to blur into one after a while?

  13. “…in..out…next. I mean, they only get an average of 45 seconds. Does that seem long to you???”
    To me this seems long – probably why I don’t have a lineup of even Jojoba Witnesses either.

  14. Am I the only one that sees the contradiction in the following sentance … ‘By the time we’re in our late 40s, us regular people only have about 8.6 sexual partners if we’re women or 31.9 sexual partners if we’re men.’ – (while trying to keep my inner feminist under wraps) I ask … how are these average men reaching 31.9 sexual partners if all the average women are only at 8.6 …?

  15. Cedar – Which people specifically are you feeling sad for? Not Angelina Jolie I guess – everybody seems to want her.

    Lebowski – Ah, okay then. Stick to very young girls – they don’t know any better.

    Julie – As you can see in my response to Heather, I amended the scoring part of the test to read “if you answered yes to more than one of these questions”. So, you’re okay. Unless you want to be a deviant. In which case there are plenty of other ways for you to exercise those rights.

    Laura – No, someone else pointed that out, too. It’s not that strange. Maybe the men are having a lot of sex with other men. Or one or two women are doing a lot of men.

  16. Gee I sure enjoy reading your blog! This is another post I will not be able to get out of my head for a long time…(the gang bang world record – that makes me want to cry too Meanie)

  17. Women 8 some thing while men around 32?Where is gender equality gone? Are men ‘naturally’ more promiscuous?And, how do they find that many willing women?

  18. Yeah the numbers don’t add up. You can’t explain away the difference by saying that there are some women who have more partners; that’s not how averages work.

    If there is a group of 20 with 10 female/male each, where 3F have 9M and 7F have 1M, then the average for F would be 3.4 = ((3*9+7*1)/10). This is equal to the M average, as intuitively most men would have the 3 promiscuous F and some will have a normal F as well.

    If we’re talking median, then sure the median for F would be 1, and 3 for M. But I don’t think we are, as what would the 0.6 and 0.9 mean? (don’t go there)

    And even if we are saying that it is all the homosexual M action going on that pulls up the M average (and/or lack of F-F action), then gay M must be at least an order of magnitude more then straight in order to bring up the average with such a smaller relative population size.

    Bottom line, someone is probably lying.

  19. I seem to be the only man who doesn’t think Angelina Jolie is hot. I just don’t see the attraction, really. I mean, she’s pretty and all that… but no prettier than a ton of other pretty women.

  20. MM –Sorry. I know what you mean. When I first heard about this gangbang contest I couldn’t get it out of my head for ages.

    Ramble – Who says those guys are only having sex with women?

    Bongo – Sure, try to bamboozle us with some weird math stuff. I think it’s pretty standard that men try to up their figures a bit anyway and women try to downplay how many different partners they’ve had. But thanks for all those mad calculations.

    Daniel – She’s pretty attractive. Also, she has that whole sexy vibe thing going on. And then there are the stories of all her wild and crazy sex adventures. An irresistible combination, I think.

    LGS – Damn those Romans.

  21. I was actually thinking of installing a conveyor belt on my inclined bed to keep me from sliding off.
    Would that make me a slut..

  22. Glen – It depends how many other people you have in there with you. (I’ll wait while you do a quick head count)

    Jazz – Sometimes it’s comforting to be normal.

  23. Hey XUP, that’s what I meant–if a guy is sleeping with 20, 000 different women, none of them are coming back for a second helping–which tells you something important.

    Yuck.

  24. Okay, great. I’m glad that I am free to have secret thoughts about Angelina again. Speaking of deviants, she may just be one herself. I just read that her hotel room bed had black rubber sheets on it. It was in People magazine. So, it’s a reliable source you know.

  25. Lester – I don’t even know why they’d go for a first helping at a buffet that’s been so picked over it’s revolting. I only hope there was a sneeze guard.

    Julie – I’ve read a lot of kinky stuff about La Jolie. Of course she’s in every magazine and every newspaper every day so they have to scrape every corner of her life to continue to feed our inecessant Jolie hunger.