Well, it’s no surprise that Tiger Woods is now in re-hab for “sex addiction.” It seems to be a very popular affliction among celebrities – especially male celebs. Some experts don’t believe sex addiction is real. They reckon it’s just an excuse people who like to screw around use to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions. They reckon these celebrity guys have so many women throwing themselves at them they just can’t say “no”. But then again, not being able to say “no” to stuff is a sign of addiction, isn’t it?
Celebrities like Charlie Sheen, Jack Nicholson and Julio Iglesias all claim to have had sex with a couple thousand women. But they’re rank amateurs next to guys like Mick Jagger-Keith Richards (They’re hyphenated because they “do each other’s bitches”) or Gene Simmons who’ve had four to five thousand each or Wilt Chamberlain who claims, in his biography, to have bedded close to 20,000 women.
For women there is actually a competition to determine The World’s Biggest Slut. It used to be held in the US, but Americans lost interest in the event around 2001, so it’s now held in Warsaw, Poland. The event is whimsically called World Gangbang Competition and some porn star called Lisa Sparxxx won it last year by doing 919 men in 12 hours, beating the previous year’s winner by 160.
Every year, guys apply (in droves) to participate in this competition. They have to pay their own way to the event; pay for their own accommodation and other expenses. They get nothing in return except “bragging rights”. They get carefully screened for stuff like STD’s and maybe loserdom or something, I don’t know. Then they hang around eagerly awaiting their turn up to bat. They get prepped by one of the helper-sluts to make sure they’re ready to go when it’s their turn. Then they get to spend at least 30 seconds, but no more than 60 seconds genitally connected to the would-be Queen Slut. Each sexual contact is carefully watched, rated and counted by referees and 6 cameras are used to record the event.
Probably all of these people have some problems we ordinary non-celebrity, non-porn stars can’t possibly comprehend. By the time we’re in our late 40s, us regular people only have about 8.6 sexual partners if we’re women or 31.9 sexual partners if we’re men.
What’s that you say? You’re way over those numbers and fear you might be a celebrity-caliber sex-addict? Fortunately, there’s this handy checklist so you can see if you need help:
- Have you had more than 20,000 sex partners in your life or more than 919 in one day?
- Have you quit your job so you can spend both your days and nights cruising Internet porn sites, sex shops, x-rated movie theatres, strip clubs and hookers?
- Are you one of the 19% of guys polled who said they would have sex with Brad Pitt if it meant they could have Angelina Jolie afterwards?
- Are you one of the 90% of women polled who said they would have sex with Angelina Jolie and not bother with Brad Pitt?
- Have you replaced your bed with a conveyor belt?
- Have you ever been arrested, convicted and jailed for illegal sexual activity for the express purpose of experiencing the high of prison sex?
- Do you feel kind of crappy about how your life is going?
- Do you need to use a pumice stone every day to keep those stubborn genital calluses under control?
- Are you engaged in some sort of sexual activity right now?
If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions, you may have a problem. If you’re feeling a little grubby and would really like a long, hot shower right about now, you’re perfectly normal.