It’s Wonderful Being a Girl

It’s Wonderful Being a Girl was the name of the small, outdated pamphlet the girls in my Grade 4 class were given along with “The Talk” and “The Film” of the same name presented by a specially contracted public health nurse.

But don’t worry; this post isn’t going to be about That.

No, I thought with all the stuff that sometimes makes being a girl irksome, a reminder of all the great things about being a girl would be nice.  And by “irksome” I mean stuff like The Topic about which this post is not. I mean irksome stuff like the annual girly probings and compressings; or stuff like brassieres and pantyhose; or stuff like waxings and pluckings; or having to pay 4 times as much for a haircut; or uncomfortable shoes; or having to do all the housework; and so forth.

So, without even any further ado, here are some of the things that make being a girl wonderful:

  1. Girls have a longer life expectancy. This isn’t necessarily all that great in and of itself, but it does mean girls get our pensions longer; sort of making up for all those lower salaries they got all their lives.
  2. Girls understand the concept of conversation and are able to fully utilize it. Though it may seem, on the surface, like idle gossip, girls are actually sharing valuable and useful information; solving seemingly unsolvable problems; resolving childhood issues; and, venting pent-up negativity and frustration so they don’t have to go beating people up, driving hot rods too fast; getting disgustingly drunk and peeing on things; storing stuff up in their blood pressure or going on killing sprees.
  3. Girls get a more varied wardrobe. A closet full of just pants and shirts would be sooooo boring. Also, girls get to wear lots of accessories, hair colours, hairstyles, hair do’s and make-up to disguise/enhance their appearance.
  4. Girls have relatively controllable body hair. Can you imagine having to deal with ear hair, back hair or.. ugh… face hair? I know it’s normal for guys, but the idea of hair growing out of my face totally freaks me out. I actually have nightmares about it. But guys live with this every day! How? They have to shave their faces once or even twice every day! Otherwise their entire face gets consumed by fur. Arrgghhhh! Of course, some of them just give up and let it grow. And then only their eyes are visible. And then food and snot, spit and/or other bodily fluids (depending on their inclination) gets stuck in their face fur. Seriously! Nightmare!
  5. Girls don’t have dangly bits they have to constantly clutch and worry about. I think it’s a big design flaw to have a person’s most vulnerable and delicate bits just hanging there on the outside of the body at a level even with raised knees, children’s hard, exuberant heads, unfriendly dog jaws and sharp table corners.
  6. Girls don’t get nocturnal emissions or spontaneous public erections. Because that’s just weird.
  7. Girls (while we’re on that general topic) can get laid, generally speaking, more easily than men. Girls don’t usually have to sell their souls, surrender their dignity, resort to underhanded methods or fork out a lot of money to get sex. It’s never that important. Sure, some girls will do some of that to get love (or a reasonable facsimile thereof), but that’s more of a long-term investment.
  8. Girls can cry and be affectionate with humans of the same sex without being mocked or having their sexual orientation questioned.
  9. Girls usually don’t have to lift heavy stuff. Guys seem to enjoy lifting stuff for girls, so unless girls like lifting stuff, girls never really have to. [Anecdotal evidence: One day I had a big armchair delivered and there was only one guy in the delivery truck. I offered to grab the other side and help him lift it, but before I could put that into practice, a whole flock of neighbour guys appeared and volunteered to do it. I’d never even seen most of these guys before. Where did they all come from? How did they know that something needed to be lifted? Do they have some sort of scanner in their home that alerts them? It was odd, but very convenient.]
  10. And finally, of course, there’s The Thing. The super secret Thing to which all girls become privy at a certain age and which they will never, ever reveal to a guy no matter how close or intimate. And of course I won’t reveal it on my blog either, even though doing so would guarantee the biggest blog sensation ever to hit the Internet. Even though doing so would mean my blog would be talked about by millions of people around the globe. Even though it would mean fame and untold fortune. Because doing so would also mean my life would no longer be worth living, which I’m sure my girl readers can understand and appreciate.

Thank you.

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43 responses to “It’s Wonderful Being a Girl

  1. Funny you should speak on the topic.

    I was just thinking today, per your item 7, that even though girls can get laid any time they want, that it’s really a null benefit. I mean, let’s face it… sex is a treat mostly for boys (positive proof that God is a man.) They’re designed to be stimulated no matter what… while our sweet spot is only hit incidentally and mostly by accident. We have much more at stake, being more likely to pick up STD’s and oh yeah, pregnancy, while men are more or less scot-free.

    It’s frakkin’ unfair, that’s what it is. It’s a bloody rip-off and I intend to have a long chat with God one day to figure out what the hell is up with that.

    Amen to the rest of it, though. Yay for pretty clothes and smelling nice and no facial hair and generally higher levels of common sense.

  2. So women don’t get facial hair. Hmmm, I didn’t get that memo. All the other stuff is well and true. And there’s more than lifting. There’s changing tires, killing spiders, opening jars, going under the house, going in the attic, dealing with dead animals, and bringing the groceries from the car to the house. Oh! And dragging the heavy suitcases around the airport. And Driving. Wow! It really is great to be a girl.

  3. This is why I love coming to this blog, because I have NO idea what you’ll write about next.

    Earlier this week, it was dogs. Then auras. Now it’s about being a girl.

    I admit, you never grow stale.

    To respond to this post:

    Item 4. How about hair growing out of your legs? (Doesn’t seem natural to me, either). Just shows you hoiw society has conditioned us hairless apes to alter our appearance in ways that aren’t normally done in nature.

    Item 7. That’s so true. I’ve recently alluded to the same thing on my blog (but not quite as blatantly, lest I get tarred and feathered by the Anti-Friar Oprah-Vegan Sister-hood.

    Item 6. True, but we don’t have to worry about the monthly thing and all the issues that go along with that. And that, to me, is more than a fair trade.

    Item 9. If women want to truly be equal, then next time they move, have THEM cajole their girlfriends to lift the washer/dryer/stove/fridge onto the truck, in exchange for a few beers and a pizza.

    10. Ah-hah! I KNEW it…..I always suspected as much!

  4. Susan – I don’t know Susan, quite a lot of women I know sort of enjoy sex, too. But ya, we do bear the burden of responsibility for contraception and protecting ourselves against STDs which manifest much differently and dangerously in women than in men. Maybe that’s why we got the higher levels of common sense, too??

    Dr. Monkey – Well, you go right ahead and clutch my good man. Far be it from me to suggest otherwise.

    Geewits – Okay, girls get a teeny bit of facial hair sometimes, but not of the 5 o’clock shadow variety.

    Christine – I wonder if that would sell? Face waxing for men? I understand some of them are doing their back and and upper arm hair..

    Friar – Ya, I’m kind of schizo like that. It’s pretty scary being around me – ask XUP Jr. Leg hair, underarm hair, pubic hair — they make sense. But face hair…just seems so bestial. I don’t know. It’s not that I object to it, it just gives me the willies to think of me waking up one morning with a face full of fur. Some sort of irrational fear thing. The monthly thing vs nocturnal emissions is in no way a fair trade. Don’t even go there. And please stop lumping Vegans and Oprah fans into the same category.

  5. I needed to read about why it’s good to be a girl today, because I’m about to leave for my pelvic ultrasound. That’s the one with the giant, condom-wearing dildo. I’m on my fourth glass of water; four more to go. Your bladder has to be about ready to explode for the test to work. It’s so wonderful being a girl.

  6. “Girls have relatively controllable body hair. Can you imagine having to deal with ear hair, back hair or.. ugh… face hair?”

    I’ve seen some older women on the bus with chin hair. Very odd, but I heard it can happen.

    P.S. Friar who is this ” Anti-Friar Oprah-Vegan Sister-hood” that you speak of? All I’ve seen is positive feedback on your blog and like XUP said, not many vegans appear to be into Oprah.

  7. Perhaps you are not quite clear on this nocturnal emission thing. It is actually lots of fun although it is a bit messy. Cleaning up the mess afterward is a small price to pay for a surprise orgasm. I yearn for those long ago days.
    As for girls getting laid pretty much whenever they like that is a great bonus. Now if more of you would make use of that there would be less nocturnal emissions.
    As for girls being logical and talking about serious important things I’m sure you’re right.
    As I type this they are showing lines of girls waiting for the opening of the new twilight series movie.

  8. GRADE FOUR???
    Wow! We didn’t get to see “From Boy to Man” until we were in Grade 7, while the girls say “From Girl to Woman”. It was all quite vague, about how the man’s sperm fertilizes the woman’s egg, blah blah blah. What it didn’t explain was how that sperm got to the egg.
    And me being the smart aleck, I was dying to ask the teacher why my pee-pee got hard, and if f***ing had anything to do with the sperm getting to the egg.
    However, as I remember, we boys had a discussion among ourselves about who had hair down there yet.

  9. Hannah – I think we ought to start an Anti-Friar Oprah-Vegan Sister-hood and make it a point to lambaste everything Friar says in his blog. That way he’ll have something real to yell about, instead of all these imaginary enemies.

    Jazz – You were just a teensy bit worried, weren’t you? When I started talking about IT? But of course you know no one would ever tell.

    Bandobras – Anything that involves extra loads of laundry every week isn’t fun. Of course guys probably just keep sleeping in their crusty sheets. And don’t worry. Women who want to get laid are following through — the problem is that it’s usually with the same 4 or 5 guys, leaving the other 20 billion out in the cold. Also, Twilight falls under those rare surrendering of dignity for love things I was talking about.
    White crow – That will never happen. Or, if you accidentally find out or overhear or ask to be told too many times no one will be surprised if you are suddenly involved in a fatal accident or unexplained fatal illness.

    Zoom – Yes, we’re very tidy about our wild abandoned passions.

    Bob – Geeze…this is a family blog! We don’t want details about your pee-pee. I do understand that you’re proud of the many things it can do, but some things are meant for private, not for sharing. (Didn’t they go into this during your Man class?)

  10. Ah yes, The Thing. Makes all the stuff you have wisely chosen not to post about bearable. Where would we all be without The Thing.

  11. I’ve never wanted to be a boy, it’s wonderful being a girl!

    I enjoy hanging this lovely fact over my husband’s head. I not only ‘grew’ our two daughters for a total of 76 weeks INSIDE my own body but I delivered them too – one each way. Those two tidbits become very valuable when we try to decide who gets to wipe a bum or wake up first on a Saturday morning.

  12. My mother has spent 50 of her 86 years, plucking chin hair. As a child, she sat in the window with a mirror and plucked her chin as I played outside. It’s not that she has an abnormal amount of hair, she is just paranoid about it and watches. The minute it pops through her skin, it is OUT OF THERE!

    I have to agree about the design flow of the dangly bits. I do wonder about that. Plus, I have to say that I think men could have solved world peace by now if they would spend less time enjoying their dangling bits.

    I would also like to say, “thank goodness for their bits.”

  13. #1 – true. Mostly because I have to listen to the women in my life complain about other women in their lives, all the time, and I’ll probably kill myself eventually, to make it stop…

    #2 – conversation is just one form of communication. Perhaps we *like* to communicate with our fists, our cars, and our urination habits.

    Seriously, ladies, cut the crap – stop trying to *describe* your emotions to me in words, if you hate me, just punch me in the face already…

    For pent up stress, see #1…

    #3 – I can wear a kilt, wigs, make-up if I please, thank you very much.

    #4 – laser hair removal. ‘Nuff said.

    #5 – athletic cup, supportive underwear etc. – at least I won’t get a black eye or throw my back out if I go jogging in my birthday suit (this one goes out to all the double-D’s)

    #6 – neither do I, but then again, I jerk off about twice a day. Hey, I have four kids, what kind of sex life do you think I have???

    #7 – this one is just too easy, I live in an Eastern Ontario hick town, I’d either flash around a lot of money, or hang out at the local saloon around 1 or 2 am and pick up the drunken cougars. I could score *every single night of the week*. Hey, no one said it had to be a lay to be proud of…

    #8 – I can do that around my kids, and they don’t mock my sexual orientation. Next!

    #9 – I don’t have to lift heavy stuff either. I’m not allowed to do that where I work, I fill out a work request and schedule a labourer to do it for me. For anything at home, well, I have four kids to do it for me.

    #10 – you can have The Thing, he’s a big, dumb, stupid orange guy with rocks for skin.

    Dumbest. Superhero. Evar.

    (PS – I liked your post, so I thought I’d put a silly comment for each of your points…)

  14. But, at times guess there should be benefits in being a guy.
    It is wonderful to be able to sleep with anything and having no guilt about what your sperms will grow up to be.

  15. @ramblereed,

    (With serious hat on now) speak for yourself, I say, as a father of four…

    Who also knows a local woman who has now twice, not once, but twice become pregnant by a different man each time, come running home to mommy to deliver the new child, then returned back to the big city and the party life.

    I have seen the older of the children asking why his mommy doesn’t love him, and why he has to live with grandma.

    Irresponsible parenting is sexless.

    (Though it is more likely to be the man, I’ll say that.)

  16. Cedar – soul patches are so cool they’ve gone all the way to dorky and then back to cool again. If you have a soul patch AND actually play trumpet, then you’re so far into the cool stratosphere it isn’t even imaginable. You go girl!

    CP – You should never let things like your work and family and life interfere with your blog reading. It’s just not good for you.

    Loth – Where indeed? The Thing is a gift. It really is.

    Betsy – And you can always be 100% sure those kids are yours! Can he say the same thing? Ha ha.

    Savanvleck – I don’t know. If the brain wasn’t directly connected to the dangly bits, I suspect men would just all have to find jobs in harems where they’d engage in passive, mindless activities like fanning us with palm fronds and peeling us grapes.

    Friar – They are now! Nyah-ha-ha.

    Brett – Thanks Brett. I think you’ve made us all happier than ever that we’re girls.

    Ramblereed – Ya, that must be fun – creating children all over the place that you have no responsibility for and never see. But you know what? With great responsibility also comes great joy – joy so far beyond the few seconds of joy you experienced with your quick shag, you have no idea. It’s just too bad that the poor kid will never really understand how much better off they were without you in their lives.

    Brett – Ya, some parental unit suck big time. But Ramblereed is right – it’s still way easier for a guy to shrug off that responsibility than it is for a girl.

    Stefania – Sex? What ARE you talking about? This book has nothing to do with sex. Just what kind of school do you think I went to anyway? No. No. It was all just a big advertisement for Kotex with a little fallopian tube/uterus information thrown in for reference.

  17. @XUP,

    I’m happy that you’re all girls too… because I wouldn’t want to marry myself, I’m too damned hairy 😉

    It is easier (biologically) for guys to shrug off the responsibility, I agree – that’s what a good lawyer is for (is there a good lawyer? Well, if the lawyer is making sure that deadbeat dads are paying, she’s a good lawyer in my book…)

  18. Brett – Trust me, you can have all the good lawyers in the world and if someone is determined not to man up, there’s nothing much they can do to make them

    Grace – Thanks. That’s hilarious. I posted it to my FB so that everyone will have it stuck in their heads today!!

  19. There’s a special at “Vikings 4 Hire” this week.

    Every “Burn-and-Pillage” service comes with 6 complementary drinking goblets, made of the skulls of the enemies of your choice.

    (Nyarrrrrgh).

  20. @Ramblereed

    Well, if you want to make generalized statements like that, I can also add:

    Must be wonderful to have sex with anyone you want. And delibrerately hide the fact that you haven’t taken your pill. So you can get knocked up, get full custody, and force your lover into paying child support for the next 20 years.

    Of course, not all women are like that.

    Just like not all men are as you said.

  21. Brett – Well thanks, but I don’t think that’s going to get us anywhere either. I appreciate the offer though and will keep it mind should a situation ever arise where some Viking persuasion might be just the thing.

    Bandobras – I’m sure sometime in the next few years there my daughter might have a need for some thrashers, if not me.

    Friar – Excellent, I’m down to only one drinking goblet currently as “someone” keeps dropping them on the kitchen tiles. And I assume your other comments are directed at Ramblereed? But I just wanted to say that yes, it’s dirty pool when the woman assures the man she’s taken care of the contraception and then gets knocked up and demands child support. HOWEVER! Whenever a man has sexual relations with a woman he should bear in mind that sex can lead to pregnancy and should go forward only if he’s willing to take on the responsiblity of the possibly resulting pregnancy. No birth control is fool-proof. He should always slip on a condom and/or practice some other form of birth control himself, just in case. It’s good practice anyway these days. Because it’s not just pregnancy that can inadvertantly result from sex. And protection from both is both partners’ responsiblity.

  22. Loved this post and the comments.

    I like being a man – I’d rather shave daily than deal with monthly mood swings.

    Hell, I like the fact that I only need to wear shirts and pants – it makes getting dressed in the morning quick and simple, no agonizing over what to wear and what goes with what. Dark suit, white shirt, tie – done. Weekends jeans, t-shirt done. simple.

  23. @Sean

    Not to mention, when we go out, we don’t have to spend hours making ourselves look pretty.

    With guys, it’s just the three S’s.

    Shave, shit, and shower.

  24. Brett – Ok then. Me and the horde will have a clandestine meeting to work out the details. Shhh…don’t tell anyone.

    Sean – You’re so funny thinking you don’t have to deal with monthly mood swings. How long have you been married??

    Friar – I hate to break this to you, but most guys these days under the age of 40 DO spend hours making themselves pretty before going out.

  25. although I have never gone so far as to regret being female, I have often thought my life would have been SO SO much easier as a male, particularly due to my personality, temperament and height. I have pretty much never found that numbers 7 or 9 apply in my case – that’s reserved for the smaller females, whom men are more likely to suppose require their attention…

  26. At first, I thought you were talking about the other Thing. After you said that it was the super secret one, it made much more sense.

  27. I really enjoy reading your blog. It is always a surprise, interesting and a good laugh. This post should be added to “The Film” and “The Talk” in schools…now that would be educational.

  28. Gokalie – Bah! I don’t believe it for a minute. All the men I’ve ever known are ga-ga over tall women/ “Totally worth the climb” they tell me.

    Aziza – Shhh. It’s best we not talk about it tooo much.

    Laura – Thanks ma’am. I’ll submit the post and see what they say.