Disclaimer: Anyone easily offended by harsh reality, should probably not read this blog today. There will be mention of body parts and bodily functions some of which may or may not be related to sexual activity.
Vaginal Relaxation.
I know!!! Not only are people finally talking seriously about this horrible, horrible affliction, but some people are actually doing something about it!
As any woman who is over 20; or who has birthed dozens of children; or who has engaged in many, many, many sexual liaisons with stallion-like male partners knows — the old cootchie isn’t as snug and springy as it used to be.
What to do?
Kegels? Ya, they’re fine up to a point, but they just don’t really restore your fur-burger to its former glory.
Surgery? Yes, Vaginal Rejuvenation surgeries (vaginoplasties) are pretty good, but they can cost up to $8,000 depending on exactly how relaxed the kuder in question is. And, as with any surgery, there are possible complications. Such as:
- Blood Clots which could lead to heart attack, stroke or paralysis
- Severed Nerve during surgery – oops
- Necrosis – death of vaginal tissue from being cut off from its blood supply
- Blood Loss – massive hemorrhaging can occur after surgery
- Infection
- Fistula – Another ooops when a nick is made between the wall of the colon and the wall of the vagina
- Death
Thank goodness someone has come up with a cheaper and safer way to perk up the pink taco.
pk24 – “Feminine Sexual Esteem” … the first and only clinically tested, vaginal rejuvenation cream.
I really, really wish I was making this stuff up, but, sadly, I’m not.
pk24 is a liquid one applies to the relaxed poonani prior to intercourse in order to instantly tighten it up to the size of a drinking straw – and not the fat bendy milkshake drinking straws either! No siree. We’re talking tiny, tight rigid drinking straws.
pk24 contains a blend of aloe, which is just a moisturizer; sucralose for “flavour”; and potassium alum which is an astringent used in deodorants and hemorrhoid creams. (Yum! Tight, tasty and fragrant!)
And it retails for only $60 for a one ounce bottle!
The nice folks over at pk24 wonderland promise it will provide women with a “renewed sense of sexual confidence and empowerment”. Well, who doesn’t want that, right? Why crawl around with your saggy old woojit flapping between your legs when 60 bucks can change your entire life!
On the other hand, why not invent a cream that will just significantly expand the length and breadth of your partner’s ding-dong instead? Wouldn’t that make everybody a whole lot happier than just temporarily unrelaxing the buju?
‘Cuz really, as columnist Josey Vogel says, “after a lifetime of gynecological concerns, childbirth and everything else our vaginas go through, don’t they deserve to relax a little?”
XUP 
Just the thought of a “necrosis” or “fistula” on the ‘ol vah-j-j (one of my funny gay friend’s made up this word! LOL) is almost enough to make me want to become celibate.
*SHUDDERS*
Re that vaginal plastic surgery- For God’s sake aren’t we being told that enough of our features aren’t pleasing enough without our hoo-hoos/fannies/flowers/fluffs/vaginas/ (pick your favourite) being pointed at and laughed at as well? I got upset at the fact that all of sudden we’re expected to remove all of our pubic hair, but this is ridiculous. As a protest I’m going to remove my knickers and let my slack, loose wobbly bits trail where-ever they want and everyone’s just going to put up with it.
Sorry, I’ve gone a bit dizzy…away for lie down.
I never knew so many words for lady parts. You’re a vocabulary genius! Also, hilarious :).
I don’t get it. Why all the concern about old, tired, worn out, relaxed vaginas?
This is why men only date women up to the age of 30. it’s cause we want to save you from the pain of surgery or rejection and the cost of that cream.
We are always thinking of how to make life better and easier for the ladies.
Pretty soon, ladies will be showing off their cooch surguries and enhancements on extreme makeover shows, I guess. Can’t be too far off.
And, just to think that someone, somewhere out there in the big ole world will be searching for “Loose Vaginas” and happen upon your post!!!!!
Hannah –Ah, you wait until your hoo-haw is all stretched out and flabby. Then you’ll be willing to risk colostomy, death, mutilation anything to have it back to its snuggy self so your husband will be happy.
MisssyM – Females are really only perfect when they’re about nine or ten – before all the unsightly body hair and gross “womanly” things start happening. Of course most 10 year old’s don’t have big enough boobs, but that’s much easier to solve than all the re-construction and repair work that an older female requires in order to acceptable in society.
Lynn – I’m a slang dictionary genius, really (shhh – don’t tell anyone)
Bandobras – Ewwwww – you would date a woman in her LATE 20’s? By that time they’re well on their way to needing some serious retrofitting. Have you no standards, man?
Lola – You’re so funny to think this is a thing of the future. Have you heard of the reality show Dr. 90210? And I understand that’s not the first reality show in the world to feature pootang surgery. The mind. It never ceases to be boggled
Savanvleck – Yes, I’m looking forward to seeing some of the search terms in the next few weeks. I have to figure out a way to stop all those people who keep arriving at my blog by googling “lamborghini”. I posted a picture of one ages ago as part of something else and all of a sudden in the past few weeks that post has had hundreds of hits every day.
What will those men think of next – because it had to be a man who decided that some poor woman’s ladyparts just weren’t up to his exacting standards so dammit, he was going to do something about it! I prefer your idea of enhancing men’s dangly bits instead.
It’s kind of like all the research to come up with a drug to ‘cure’ women’s lower libido. Excuse me? Who says that not wanting sex 24/7 is a medical and/or psychological problem that needs curing? To echo pinklea’s comment, it had to be a man that decided that since (most) women don’t want sex as often as (most) men, then they are defective in some way and need fixing.
Pinklea & Alison – Actually, according to the backstory for pk24, it was a woman who thought of it first. Her name was Terralyn Hoy (yee-haw) and she overheard some men talking at a party about their wives’ loose hootchies (nice guys). Terralyn was shocked because she never knew such a horrible thing could happen to women and decided right then and there to help her sisters out (ka-ching!). Is Terralyn a kindly doctor? An ob/gyn? A sex therapist? A nurse? Midwife? No, no! She’s the owner and CEO of a world wide online trading firm. So, obviously she has only the best interests of poor defective women at heart.
Ah, the wonder of blogging. See, if you and I were in the same room and you said all that, I would go beet red, feel flustered and would have to excuse myself. As it is, I feel so at ease. The wonder of blogging.
Thank you for this informative post. I have learnt things i would have never ever found out on my own. But just how many of the euphemisms used for vagina are real ones and how many did you make up?
(*blocking my ears, screaming, running from the room*)
LALALA-LAH! I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LALALA-LAH!
“after a lifetime of gynecological concerns, childbirth and everything else our vaginas go through, don’t they deserve to relax a little?”
this. is awesome.
“On the other hand, why not invent a cream that will just significantly expand the length and breadth of your partner’s ding-dong instead?”
I get at least 3 emails a day informing me that my “ding-dong” isn’t large or hard enough, and telling me that their products can fix that for me.
It’s about time women started working on their end of the deal…
Personally I think this is a recipe for disaster. If men get bigger, and women get smaller it could be painful all around.
LGS – Well, I did put a disclaimer at the top of the post. You have only yourself to blame if you get flustered. And they are all actual euphemisms. You may look them up in the dictionary of slang if you don’t believe me.
Friar – See my comment to LGS. I DID warn you, but you had to go ahead and read anyway, didn’t you? And now you’re freaking out. Next time heed the disclaimer!
Meanie – I wish I’d written that, I really do. And I like to think that if I hadn’t read it first I might have thought of saying it anyway. It IS awesome.
MG – I believe this is a risk we are all willing to take. Complaints of ding-dongs being too large or pootangs being too tight are very rare; both from the owners of each and the appreciators of each.
Standards? of course I have standards.
I always make sure they are breathing before proceeding any farther and in nearly all cases I leave them laughing.
“Tight, tasty and fragrant!” Nicely put… now give me a smoke…
Thank god someone has finally developed a flavoring for vaginas. Are there different ones? Like bacon? I know a certain someone that wouldn’t get much done if her woojit (new favorite vagina word, btw) tasted like bacon. Meanwhile, excellent work. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love potatoes, but start talking about bacon flavored vaginas and I’m setting this as my homepage.
@XUP
Well, you know what they say.
Loose lips, sink ships.
(Ducking and running now…) 😉
Bandobras – Let it never not be said that you were not never a gentleman.
Woodsy – No! That’s neither tasty nor fragrant.
Mayopie – What? Have you been somewhere with your head in a cave the last couple of decades? There have been flavoured vaginas forever – mostly fruit flavours, but I understand there are also bacon flavours available. But save yourself the expense and use a little lard as lubricant. It’s inexpensive, safe and has a nice bacony taste. Can I be your homepage now?
Friar – I’ll bet the ladies just can’t get enough of you, eh?
I just recently read about “sphincter bleaching”. The bleach is applied to the dark pigmentation around women’s rectums as well as to their vaginal areas. Apparently it also has “rejuvenating” properties.
That’s gotta hurt!
No comment.
i’m still stuck back at fur burger! lol
This post reminds me of one of my attempted sexual conquests as a young man. Before relations commenced, the young lady informed me that unless my johnson was twelve inches long, I would be unable to satisfy her. I assured her that although my member was less than that, my years of experience would compensate for lack of a cucumber. After thirty minutes of intercourse with no climax on her part, I stopped, admitted failure, and left her mobile home. Thus began my appreciation for the smaller vagina and masturbation.
Holy Crap! I’m with Friar.
Well… I’m laughing, but I really have nothing to say at this point LOL. Just wanted to let you know I have read the above informative and insightful story and will file it away (far far away) for future reference.
Jo – OOOOOO. MYYYYYYYY. GODDDDDDD!!! Just when I thought I’d heard it all. I fear for all humanity. There surely can’t be THAT many people that vain about their slightly darker rectums can there? Geeze, if you don’t like the colour of my rectum, don’t freakin’ look at it!
Tom – Ha ha – that WAS a comment!
Raino –Yup, there sure are some inventive names for our lady bits.
Brad – Thank you for sharing another one of your poignant hillbilly stories. I don’t know why men always think we’re kidding when we say size matters. How do you know ahead of time whether the vagina is small enough for you? I don’t think most women know the exact volume of their vadge. I guess you could just drop your drawers and let her have a look at what’s on offer and she can decide whether or not it will do the trick, eh?
Lola – The covering your ears part? Why do you people read the post when I clearly stated at the very beginning that the squeamish should skip this blog today?
Charlene – No, no. Forget insanity like this even exists. If your partner ever starts complaining about the relaxed state of your nether regions tell him to hit the road
xup. i have to say that this post is the funniest i have read yet. and the comments and your replies are equally as funny. never thought that talk of vaginas and dinks could be so darn funny. thanks for the laugh….now i must go get me some of ‘dat bacon flavoured lard.
p.s. don’t hurt brads feelings.
lol
theres also the hoodectomy which partly removes the clitoral hood for enhanced sexual pleasure (!!) for only $3000 – to which i say ouch
btw have you tried that pk24 cream ? – i’m pretty sure it doesn’t do whatever it claims to do!!
XUP you’ve outdone yourself this time!!!
I, ah, what? Wonder if lemon juice would work just as well.
Raino – Aw, Brad knows I love him. (He just got married you know! I guess it wasn’t the woman from the trailer park).
EmmaK – No, I have no intention of shrinking my winky. If anyone doesn’t like it they can go elsewhere.
Elizabeth – I know. I’ve really set the bar to places I hope to never go again.
Cedar – Bwah-ha-ha. Lemon juice! And if you apply it in front of other vaginas they all automatically pucker up, too!
But what happens when the male equipment makes contact with the pk24-smeared lady parts? Does it shrivel up too, making the whole (ha! I just typed “hole”) exercise pointless? I am confused.
I must be really tired because I find this post hysterical. PINK TACO!! HA!
Loth – Har har har har har… I wonder why you’re the only one to have thought of that? I wish I had!! Excellent, excellent point.
Kimberly – No, not tired — sharp as a tack. It’s supposed to be hysterical (from the same root word as hysterectomy)
i happened upon this type of thing some time ago and thought it was bizarre. i suppose it’s the male equivalent of adding length to the boy parts.
i’m not letting anyone near me with a knife in that that area.
OMG I don’t believe I just read all this – what have I been missing? (by not visiting here, not by not using sphincter bleach)
“Perk up the pink taco”? LOL
Leah – I totally agree. I would try to avoid surgery even for stuff I need surgery for if I could, let alone surgery just for fun.
Robin – Obviously you’ve missed a great deal by not following this blog. But I’m glad you’re here now. Thanks for the comment and I hope you’ll come back again.
Absolutely hilarious.
In Spain vaginoplasties and hymenoplasties are THE thing at the moment with more than one plastic surgeon actually promoting hymenoplasties on TV – apparently prostitutes sell their virginity for huge sums, then go and get the thingy sewn up all over again.
I wrote a post on it today and linked to yours. (It’s in Spanish and certainly not half as funny as this).
How’s this for a name: “mis partes” literally my parts (as if it were a separate chunk) of the body.
I love your blog, though I don’t always have time to keep up with it and comment. You make me laugh and laugh…
Patsy – Thanks for your kind comments and the link. How long can prostitutes continue to re-virginate? And how can reputable doctors keep sewing them up again? Why is this so important in Spain? What’s wrong with the men there? Are their genitals so tiny that only virgins will do? So many questions