8 Ways I’m Inept

A lot of bloggers do regular posts on all the fabulous things they’re crafting or building or photographing or sewing or knitting or creating.  You may have noticed that I never do posts like this. I never do posts like this because I’m not good at any of this stuff. For instance, here’s a short list of stuff that a lot of people love to do and are good at, that I can’t do:

  1. Anything that involves yarn or thread makes my insides want to run screaming from my skin. The thought of sitting somewhere for hours whilst picking away at some tiny knot or loop or whatever in hopes that it will all turn into something someone might want to wear one day is way beyond my scope of comprehension. I did Home Ec in school and it took me 4 years to finish a skirt, which I think they submitted to the Guinness Book of World Records in the “most unrecognizable item of clothing ever” category. 
  2. Anything that involves paint, glue, beads, podge, “findings,” string, tissue paper, wire or other bits that need to be fastened together somehow in order to create something crafty or artsy that hangs from your Christmas tree or on your front door or needs to be displayed on your mantle, is also beyond me. I used to work with someone who spent all of her free time crafting and scrapbooking and woodburning and tole-painting and a whole lot of other stuff designed to create festive gifts for any occasion. And then she’d give them to us. As gifts! I worked there for NINE YEARS! I had enough felt Santas, crocheted wreaths, and beaded candy canes to decorate the entire Black Forest.
  3. Anything that involves home repairs or refinishing of wood or nailing something into something else or assembling something from a box of fiber-board with an Allen key, I stay well away from. Nothing good could ever come from anything that involves me picking up a tool. I promise you.
  4. Anything that involves home decorating. I already went into some detail on that yesterday. I have been roped, at times in the past,  into helping to paint other people’s homes in the past, but never twice by the same person and never by anyone who knew anyone whose place I had helped paint. Once I even tried wallpapering. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. HA!
  5. Anything involving a camera. Oh, I like the idea of capturing things I see on film, but the things I capture on film are never the things I see. I don’t carry a camera around like a lot of bloggers, which is probably at least half the problem. And when I do remember to bring one along, I forget that I have it. And when I don’t forget, I never seem to see anything worth taking photos of.  I’ve mentioned a few times that what I need are a pair of camera-sunglasses because I really think with those things I stand half a chance of taking photos of things I actually want to take photos of. I could be wrong. 
  6. Anything that involves driving. I’m a terrible driver. I went from not knowing how to drive on a Monday afternoon to having my full license by the Thursday morning of that same week. It was just sheer dumb luck that I never killed myself or anyone else. As soon as I was old enough to realize what a bad driver I was, I stopped driving.
  7. Anything that involves baking. I can cook. Cooking is easy – you just toss together a lot of stuff that tastes good together and presto! With baking you have to follow the recipe exactly or it doesn’t turn out the way it’s supposed to. Instead of cookies, you end up with “Memories of Plywood Sheet Cake,” for instance.
  8. And finally, anything that involves maths. Or those spatial abilities tests – it actually scares me that I am completely unable to do even the simplest one of these. I seriously believe I’m missing the chunk of brain that allows people to figure these things out. Seriously! Items #1 through #7, I could probably hobble something together if I had a little more patience and a really good reason for doing it, but these spatial relationship tests I cannot do. At all. Under any circumstances.