New Fall TV Line-up

Is the fall TV line-up the most eagerly anticipated event in your household every year? Ya….us too….

Remember when it actually was a bit of an event though? When the September Preview Edition  TV Guide would appear in your mailbox, twice or three times as fat as the usual TV Guides? And there would be pages and pages of write-ups and reviews of the exciting, creative new programs you could look forward to? And the new fall season would actually start right after Labour Day?

 Those were the days.

Now shows just start willy-nilly and almost none of them are exciting or creative. Fortunately, I’ve managed to pick out a few of the gems from among the various piles of programming turds. These are my recommendations:

The Omar Show:  Coming straight off his success with his “Omar” magazine (each month featuring Omar himself dressed in yet another dazzling white robe), The Omar Show is a daytime chat show like no other. Omar will grow his beard longer and longer as the days go by, taking the audience along on his beard-growing journey every step of the way. Then he will cut it short and start all over again. In between, he will share his philosophies, world views and stories about his abusive childhood in the ghettos of Kukuistan, which will be later refuted by the tabloids. Omar is mesmerizing. Everyone who watches Omar will immediately want to do his bidding. Omar is a force to be reckoned with. An explosive addition to the fall line-up.

Extreme Jeannie: This is a modern re-make of the 1960s hit comedy I Dream of Jeannie. There’ll be no scantily dressed harem girl obeying orders from her “master” in Extreme Jeannie however, because that would be sexist and not politically correct. Extreme Jeannie kicks ass in her own Bottle Factory, keeping her employee entourage of bumbling, idiotic, overweight, middle-aged men in line with her superior female intelligence and clever wit. Uma Thermos stars as Jeannie, burdened with a cast of guys who used to be the bumbling, idiotic, overweight, middle-aged guys on other sitcoms where they were married to sexy young things who kicked their ass.

The Orifice: Starring Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, Whoopi Goldberg, Naomi Campbell, Kanye West, Rosie O’Donnell, John Mayer, Jesse James, Michaele Salahi and Sarah Palin with cameo appearances by a whole host of other celebrity orifices. This is a new, experimental format for TV —  filmed documentary-style and entirely without sound. The artistry lies in the back and forth panning from one soundless, gaping orifice to another. The cast’s contracts stipulate that as long as the show is on the air they are not allowed to speak publicly. This one is not to be missed. Really…or it will go off the air.

The Pervert: Combining the drug-addled charm and medical setting of House with the criminality of Dexter and the high-tech science of Bones and CSI, The Pervert is a seemingly quiet, unassuming loner who nevertheless says good morning to his coworkers every day. He works as a hospital orderly by day and volunteers at a crime lab in his spare time. Unbeknownst to everyone The Pervert never sleeps. He stays awake by consuming masses of amphetamines so he can spend his nights peering into the windows of women, sneaking into their bedrooms and stealing their soiled unmentionables, lurking in parks to watch young lovers, looking up women’s dresses with his shoe-cam and surreptitiously fondling hospital patients and nurses as he sweeps by them. He then uses his crime lab connections to plant his subjects’ DNA all over evidence so random people will get arrested for random crimes. The Pervert is a darkly disturbing drama that is sure to blow all the pretenders that went before it, right out of the water. A must-see.

Abstinence in the City: Coming to the new Holy Roller channel this fall, Abstinence in the City follows the dreary lives of a bunch of white people who never have sex, never talk about sex and never go out looking for dates. They don’t dress very well and never touch alcohol or cigarettes. Sometimes they get together for bible readings and tea or tend to each other when someone comes down with flu. We wouldn’t bother recommending this show except that the unintended double entendres and the crazy stuff they say about Obama, homosexuals, poor people and non-Caucasians will leave you rolling on the floor with laughter and despair.

So You Think You Can Drive a Bus: Season Three of this OC Transpo mega-hit kicks off in Barrhaven, where bus-driver wannabes from all walks of life try out for the country’s number one job. The auditions are grueling; forcing contestants onto old, leaky, overheated buses and making them drive around the city for an entire day (3 ½ hours), occasionally picking up some of those annoying people who hang around bus shelters. Contestants have the option of being 5-10 minutes ahead of schedule or 5-10 minutes behind schedule. Those who are punctual will be eliminated. Larry O’Brien is the season opener’s guest judge. Last year’s winner, Ellen DeRalstoness, also scheduled to be a judge this season, has decided to “pursue other opportunities”.

Hysteria Lane: Cashing in on the recent popularity of Twilight, Harry Potter, Ghost Whisperer and Desperate Housewives, this zany romp sees the “Smiths” moving onto a seemingly lovely normal middle-class suburban cul-de-sac. But the “Smiths” are no normal family. He’s a bumbling, idiotic but handsome and sparkling vampire and she’s an incredibly hot, sex-crazed, but wise, wizard. This madcap family gets crazier because they have sexy, twin teenaged daughters – one is a wizpire and one is completely mortal!! AND they have a baby boy, who maybe be a wizpire or may be mortal. No one knows — yet!!! The Smiths also have a big, lovable dog that sees ghosts. And there are a lot of ghosts, because it turns out the Hysteria Lane suburb was built on an old sit-com burial ground. This one promises to be the season’s runaway hit. How could it fail?

Lots: I’m not sure about this one because the pilot was a bit confusing. It’s about a motley crew of real estate agents who meet in a new, suburban mega-development to stage the homes and get them ready for showing. But all the houses look the same. All the streets (as yes, unsigned) look the same and they can’t find their cars, so they can’t get out. To make matters worse, the subdivision was built on a former forest so the place is fraught with danger from moose, skunks, foxes, black bears, coyotes and the occasional emu from a neighbouring farm. The real estate agents soon lose their highly-polished appearance and glib patter as they struggle to survive, discover frightening information about each other and hallucinate a little bit. I don’t know how this is all going to play out or how they’re ever going to end this one, but I predict it will have viewers glued to their TV sets each and every week, even if they go on an 8-month haitus somewhere along the line.

So, what are you looking forward to watching this season?

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38 responses to “New Fall TV Line-up

  1. I don’t really watch much TV anymore, so I guess I’m not looking forward to watching any shows this season, new or old.

    One dimensional flow of information, no exchange, very thinly veiled medium for delivery of advertisements for stuff I don’t need to buy and food I probably shouldn’t eat anyway… boring, predictable, unrealistic plots with unrealistically beautiful people, cookie-cutter politically-correct shows… nothing to see here, move along.

    If I *do* happen to stumble upon a series or special I like, well, “there are ways” to get them, with the commercials removed already.

    News is available online too.

    So why do I have a TV?

    (PS3, of course)

  2. I’m looking forward to “Ms. Glibwry” It’s a show about a hardcore tough feminist vegan with a superpower that enables her to go around and suck the joy out of life for common schmucks that like things like bologna, beer and reality TV shows.

  3. I personally am a fan of Saturday morning TV.
    I’m waiting for the new cartoon I heard about called “The NEW Temperance League of America”. Superheroes that go around making sure that no one: drinks alcohol, eat trans-fats, meat or bacon, drive petroleum powered automobiles, make excess profits, or smoke cigarettes or cigars. Curiously enough members of the league smell vaguely of “Patchouli” or “hemp”.

  4. Dr. Monkey – Ya, I gotta stop trying to be philosophical and just go with my inner retread.

    Brett – These aren’t actually real TV shows.

    Geewits – Is that what you think I’m doing? I hope not, cuz that’s certainly not what I’m trying to do.

    Lebowski – I think you’re going to be bored of that one pretty quick. Do they at least pummel a few ne’er-do-wells?

    Jazz – Life…pffft…highly over-rated.

  5. I knew you were just joking around.

    But to be honest, there are few differences between your fictional shows and what is really on TV.

    I mean, there is a show on that follows around parking bylaw enforcement officers.

    *sigh* if your time is so valueless that you will actually watch something like that…

    Well, you get what you deserve, I guess.

  6. No XUP sadly they don’t however they do have “personal issues” such as severe cravings for Big Macs, and something called “GimmetwoshotsoftequilaandI’msuckingoffeveryguyinthebar”

  7. @Brett curious that you mention that these supposed fictional shows aren’t far from modern TV. I mean who would watch a TV show about whores and “Gino’s” at a second rate beachside resort?

  8. “Lots” made me laugh! I bet if those agents get eaten by wildlife, then more of them will pop out of nowhere like the “Agents” in the Matrix. (Hey, they even have the same name!) LOL

  9. “So you think you can drive a bus” LOL. I can relate.

    How about “So you think you can ride a bus”? My brother and I were discussing our pet peeves the other day; for one, riders who cluster at the front of the bus when there is plenty of standing room AND even a few empty seats at the back. And then there are those who wait till the last minute to make their way to the exit when the bus is crowded.

    As for the Fall line-up, I’ll be happy to continue watching my favs: Two and a Half Men, Big Bang Theory, Medium, Criminal Minds, The Simpsons and Family Guy. I’m getting tired of the dance reality shows.

  10. Brett – What do you do for fun? Fun that has no ulterior motives?

    Pauline – Any resemblances are purely coincidental.

    Davina – I like Big Bang, too. It’s something a little different. And Criminal Minds and Family Guy. Simpsons I find is getting a little tired and 2 ½ men I hate. Everything about it loathsome.

    Geewits – Ah, good. Consider it well yanked.

  11. Did you ever get the Adam and Joe Show over there? This reminded me of it a bit.

    I think Abstinence in the City would end in an inept but frenzied orgy of explosive sexual decompression and would be much hotter than SATC.

  12. What do I do for fun?

    Well, let’s see:

    1. I have a wife and four children, so I spend a lot of time with them – walking, talking, reading, playing games etc., and it only gets better as the kids get older (more on that below).
    2. I read a lot – and more often these days, it is electronic, either e-books or blogs & web sites (mostly technology, computers and computer operating systems, user interface).
    3. I work with computers a lot – building them, repairing them, testing out new software and especially new and alternate operating systems (via virtualization software).
    4. I play electronic games from time to time – mostly on the computer (Left 4 Dead FTW!!!) but now getting into console gaming after all these years (I tried the demo for Killzone 2 on my kids’ PS3 and I am in love… now just need to learn how to control games with my thumbs… so I can play Red Dead Redemption)
    5. I walk a lot, to clear my head – 60 to 90 minutes a day – all of it barefoot. Sometimes I run barefoot, too. Especially through the woods.
    6. I do weight training with kettle bells – I think it is a lot of fun.
    7. I love to cook, for family, or for myself – this is something I recently discovered I like to do since I switched to Paleo eating.
    8. I am getting back into my old hobbies – I woke up one day a couple of months ago, and remembered who I was (cryptic, I know – Google Hugh MacLeod and “Remember Who You Are”, as well as his “white pebble” post) . So I am getting back into paintball and role-playing games, as our oldest son has independently taken an interest in both of these.
    9. Back to computer games – I will be starting up a “gaming league” with people I know from work, and hosting the game servers out of my house – winter is coming, we need something *mindless* to do other than watching TV 🙂 hey at least there is a live person on the other side of the screen!
    10. Yes, I do watch some TV – specials on technology, other countries and cultures, movies (just about anything that is “not mainstream” is to my taste, and older movies too, spaghetti westerns for instance).
    11. We take bi-weekly “country drives”, we plan them by Wednesday or Thursday, and then on Saturday or Sunday we go for a drive to see something we’ve never seen before. Usually it involves lunch, either a packed / picnic lunch or lunch out.
    12. I engage in friendly conversations and debates with people on blogs such as yours!

    This is a small sample of what I do for fun. Some of it has an “ulterior motive”, and some of it is just unplugging to sharpen the saw.

    My main “bones of contention” with TV in the traditional sense is that I am watching what *you* the content provider want me to watch, on *your* schedule, with a bunch of commercials for shit *you want me to buy*, and yeah, there are 400 channels but so what?

    Some nights, there is still nothing on but Dog The Bounty Hunter. If a person is happy feeding his brain that crap, have at it. Not for me. It’s like the mental equivalent of Burger King.

    I feel the same way about radio, too.

    I mean, if I want to kill time watching a video, I look on YouTube – why? Because not only can you watch it when you want to, you can pause it, and it also suggests “things you might like”. I use YouTube for music that way, too (search on YouTube Disco, it is cool).

  13. @Brett: Re. #4 – I’m guessing that ‘from time to time’ is an understatement. Why do people say gaming is ‘mindless’ but not sports? Also: AK, M16 or ‘combat rifle’ in L4D 2? I go with the AK if there’s a laser-sight; if not then I’m unsure which is best. It might actually be the old original M16, I suspect.

  14. @G,

    Believe it or not, it is a true statement!

    We’ve had the PS3 since January and the first time I played a game on it was this past weekend. My kids play Little Big Planet and Rock Band 2, mostly, and I don’t have any games for it myself. So I downloaded some demos from PSN to test out – cool!

    And with my computer gaming, I guess there is so much more going on in my life that I might play for an hour once every couple of weeks, literally (at least in summer – more in winter). Plus, I am a “Mac person” so until Steam hit the Mac, I had a lot of games that were languishing since I sold my old game PC. Summer came and they continued to languish…

    I play PC stuff like L4D and L4D2 (and GTA San Andreas, and UT2k4) via Crossover Games – it works pretty well, though I can’t wait for Valve to release native Mac versions, since I did compare (say) the native Mac Team Fortress 2 to the same on CX Games and the native is much better (of course).

    AK, hands down for me. Hits harder, always works (of course, this comes from my real-world interest in all things firearms), made of steel and wood rather than aluminum and Zytel (if it’s Mattel, it’s swell!).

    If I had to go to a hostile alien world, I would take an AK – they’re that good.

    You’re right – and I agree – why do people say gaming is “mindless”, heck, I even said it. There are or can be real, live people on the other end and you can chat with them. Or they can be on your sofa, right beside you, laughing and talking smack. Seems a lot less mindless than the old boob-tube.

  15. Nothing. I’m the worst person when it comes to TV shows. I get all gung ho about it then by week 3, if I don’t have it programmed in my PVR, I forget all about it. Well, with one exception called Coronation Street but it’s an ongoing show and yes, it’s programmed in the PVR as well 🙂

    Which works great for me as some days I don’t get home from the gym until 8ish.

  16. @G,

    Oh, and PS – as I mentioned, I’m really interested in alternate operating systems, new software, and user interface – so sometimes I might fire up the computer intending to play a game, and I end up launching Vmware Fusion instead 🙂 I’m a geek, I know.

    Which reminds me, I must get a chess set as I want to teach the kids how to play this fall. That’s a nice thing to do in the middle of an Eastern Ontario winter.

    Quiet, and good for the mind.

  17. Hi, I’m late to the party again but I really enjoyed your sense of wry humour in this post. I personally liked “LOTS” caused I just hated “LOST”.

    I don’t know enough about North American TV these days so my contribution will be the coverage of the newly revamped sports franchise;

    “Hockey Twilight in Canada” watch the newly revived sport of ice hockey married to the marketing opportunities from the Twilight franchise. Watch teams like the “Vampire Canucks”, “Calgary Going Up in Flames”, and “Toronto Maple Stakes”.

  18. @Brett: I recommend teaching them to play good old Alpha Centauri instead… 🙂

    I hear the new model AKs aren’t even inaccurate – what’s not to like?

    Gun tech moves so slowly. I was playing Red Dead Redemption and was amazed to find a historically-accurate Browning auto-shotgun. We’re talking, late 19th century! Cops and most soldiers are still using pump-guns. They should never have binned the EM-2 – bullpus just make sense.

  19. @G,

    Probably a good idea, yes 😉

    You are right, the latest ones are very accurate and with advances in CNC machining, the receivers are often milled from a solid block of steel rather than using stamped construction – stronger, more rigid (for accuracy), and lighter. Valmet (now owned by Sako) pretty much made the best clone, the Rk.95 but they are no longer in production. Even had a sound suppressor designed for F/A fire.

    EM-2 was awesome, yes. One of my favourite older pieces is the FG 42, I almost bought a converted one in 1988. Apparently there is a company now making functional semi-only replicas of them, as well as StG 44 and a few others. As you say, not much changes – if it isn’t broken, they don’t fix it. For new stuff I must say I lean towards the HK stuff, G36 in particular (especially the K and C).

    I don’t have Red Dead Redemption yet (but will soon, The Source has a combo pack of Killzone 2 and a controller for $59, I’m going to grab that as well as RDR on the weekend – two new games, yeah baby!)

  20. Definitely – I held it in my hands, it was really pointable and stable. The designers almost made the impossible, a controllable select-fire battle rifle.

    Had they more time (e.g. had the war continued), they probably would have done it, or perhaps rechambered it for 7.92×33 – that would be an interesting experiment.

    Of course, the US took the best parts of the FG 42 and the MG 42, combined them into the M60, and *still* managed to screw it up.

    (Hey XUP – how’s *this* for off-topic?)

  21. @G – PS, you and I could have some good chats, I think 🙂

    Will have to check out your blog.

    (Oh, and launch my new blog soon, too.)

  22. Haha, yeah man, off-topic with gusto!

    I haven’t written anything about firearms yet. It’s a guilty pleasure… We can only dream here in the UK anyway. I liked the things (for some reason) since I was a wee babby but airguns is as hardcore as most of us can get.

    When I say, ‘guilty pleasure’, you know what I mean – it’s like heavy metal. Heavy metal is enjoyable and cathartic, and an art and all that, but if you’re a thoughtful person you can’t get away from the fact that you’re celebrating bloodthirsty Viking warriors or whatever.

  23. WTF is the Pervert based on my real life!!! OMG everything in the plot is the same except for I work. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

  24. @G,

    I know how you feel. I checked out your blog a little while ago and realized you were in the UK, so then you must be sort of like me in that regard, a historical enthusiast rather than a collector.

    Canada’s laws changed dramatically over the past two decades, due to some very high profile shootings (and they were quite tragic, so I understand). That is why I never did purchase that FG 42, I knew what was coming down the pipe and didn’t want to have to hand it over for destruction.

    So instead I collect books about them.

    Replicas are also not allowed here, but paintball markers and airguns are, which is good (well, for paintball players and airgunners it is!) – even if they do look like the “real steel”, so to speak. Tippmann just signed a deal with HK to produce authentic looking markers that will mimic MP5 and G36 (yeah – I know what I’m buying). I mean, they already sort of do, but the new ones will actually say HK on them, apparently.

    And yes, I’m a metalhead too 🙂 I look respectable and all, never judge a book by the cover, they say.

    That was a neat video. Here’s a Viking metal video, complete with Vikings.

    (It starts part way through the song just when the battle begins, because the song with the battle is too long for YouTube.)

  25. Looks like Fall is going to be fantastic especially for sitting on the couch, ignoring my kids and husband, bingeing. Are any of your excellent suggestions Canadian shows besides ‘So you think you Can Drive a Bus’? We have many talented Canadians that could appear in at least one Orface. It is nice to support our national talent.

  26. The only thing I miss about TV here in France is college football and basketball, although I do see a little of it. They show old episodes, dubbed of course, of Dallas and Dukes of Hazzard here. Not too exciting. I used to get excited by all of the new shows too. Now I am so out of the main stream American culture that I have no idea what shows are popular or who all of the people are on the red carpet.

  27. G – I’ve never seen the Adam and Joe show. It might be accessible over here, I don’t know. I don’t have cable

    Grace – Thanks

    Brett- Okay, I wasn’t really asking for a list. I wasn’t even suggesting that you don’t have fun because you don’t watch TV — just that you seem so serious about everything all the time, I was curious to know if you ever did anything completely mindless and dumb.

    Sylvie – I don’t even watch Coronation Street anymore. It’s gotten too much like an American soap now. It used to be fun when the biggest problem was someone stealing fancy knickers off someone else’s clothesline or something. Now it’s all psychopaths and murderers and young glamour-pusses up to no good.

    LGS – You don’t get American TV over there? I thought it was beamed worldwide? And thanks for the reminder to add Hockey Twilight to my list!

    Maurice – Well-spotted. I didn’t want to give too many clues to your identity. But now that you’ve outed yourself, I have to ask – do you get royalties for this show??

    Brett & G – I’m so happy you two found each other on my blog. You never know where you’re going to meet a kindred spirit, do you?

    Mrwriteon – I think The Pervert might be the sleeper hit of the season afterall. You can never go wrong by borrowing premises from a lot of other hits and then adding a kinky twist to it.

    MM – No, alas Canada is only allowed to produce shows that feature the old cast of Corner Gas. But all the real Canadian talent goes to the US anyway, so we’ll be able to watch them on American TV and crow proudly about how they were born and raised right here but we couldn’t be bothered to encourage their talent here because they didn’t fit the mold and/or have the right CBC connections.

    Linda – I don’t either. The stars keep getting younger every year and they all sort of look alike to me . Also, most of them have strange names I can never remember. How’s that for old-foginess??

  28. @XUP,

    🙂 I know, but I couldn’t resist being silly…

    On a serious note (heh!) as a working parent of four small children, when I hear a single person (or a childless couple) complain that they “don’t have enough time” to do whatever (e.g. make lunch), all I can think is:

    Lazy-assed procrastinator with no planning skills.

    I mean, come on – you have as much time as I do, all of us do. How is it that I managed to lift weights this morning for 15 minutes, clean the bathrooms, clean the kitchen, empty the dishwasher, make breakfast for myself and the children, iron my clothes… all while smiling and having fun… oh, and I took the hard drive out of a computer I’m repairing, too… then got to work *early* – and yet, I know single folks who “don’t have time” to eat breakfast at home, “don’t have time” to make lunch, and come to work wearing wrinkled clothes.

    I have to ask, seriously, what the hell is your major malfunction that you can’t get your life together??? Oh well, whatever makes you happy, I guess… in any case…

    It is what we do with the time we have here that counts.

    And obviously, running alternate operating systems in a virtual machine program would be considered completely mindless and dumb by 99 percent of the TV watchers out there 😉 but at least it gives me a marketable skill I can sell.

    I agree on your second point – it was a pleasure to “meet” G here on your blog – this is why I love the discussion on blogs, it brings us all closer, you know?

  29. Funny that all my favorite shows get cancelled…..
    I just downloaded the series called “Defying Gravity” which was brilliant and thought provoking and only 13 episodes. Firefly was a great show too but again one season.
    We truly are entering the world as defined by the film “Idiocracy” .
    Thank god for STAR TREK reruns 🙂