Daddy Dearest

Father’s Day is the time to honour all the great fathers out there – the guys who do their very best to parent children that will grow up to be healthy, happy, well-adjusted, productive, responsible human beings.

Last year, in honour of Father’s Day, I wrote a kind of mixed-feelings post about my own father. So this year, as a bit of colourful contrast, I thought I’d do a round-up of some of the worst fathers ever.

The world of sports seems to foster some really bad dads. Take George Foreman  , for instance. He had ten children with five different women and named them all George (the kids, not the women) — except for the daughter, who he named Georgetta. And then he gave them all retarded nick-names (Like Big George and Little George) so he could tell them apart.

Or how about Evander Holyfield who had 9 kids with 9 different women and refuses to pay child support. Or Travis Henry who has 11 children with 10 different women  and owes so much in unpaid child support, (while under a $22 million contract) that he was arrested. There seem to be a lot of sports figures with a pile of kids from different women.  Rock starts have groupies, too, but at least rock stars seem to know a little something about contraception.

The entertainment world has also seen more than its fair share of really horrible dads. 

Bing Crosby (Der Bingo), who always seemed like such a happy-go-lucky, white-christmassy,  pleasant fellow turns out to have been a master of mental and physical cruelty both to his kids and to his wife. Two of his kids were so scarred they eventually shot themselves. The only one to survive, Gary, wrote a tell-all book about his experiences.  It ain’t pretty.

Ryan O’Neal,  is/was arguably the worst Hollywood father ever.  Among all sorts of other weird and creepy parenting abuse, he once beat the teeth out of his 14-year-old son Griffin’s head. He also shot at him a few times and forced his daughter, Tatum to snort cocaine so she wouldn’t be such a “fat pig”. Tatum eventually tried to kill herself by slitting her wrists. Helpful dad pointed out she was stupid because she’d slit them the wrong way.

Woody Allen, who I can’t even bear to watch anymore after that whole Soon-Yi thing, says their relationship has, “ a more paternal feeling to it.”  Yuck. Really. Yuck. Yuck.

Linsay Lohan  and Jessica Simpson  both have dads from hell.  Their dads keep claiming credit for whatever success the kids have. They keep trying to take control of their kids’ money. They keep getting themselves in the spotlight at the expense of their kids. Their kids are a freakin’ mess and still they won’t let up. Can’t these guys be locked up or something?

They need some up-locking because they’re influencing other men to think that cashing in on your kids is a good idea. People like bad and stupid dad, Richard Heene,  aka Balloon Boy’s dad.

Then there are the ultimate whacko dads like Winston Blackmore,   former “bishop” of his polygamous splinter fundamentalist Mormon society in Bountiful, British Columbia. At last count he had some 25 wives and 101 children. There was also a lot of talk about child brides, incest, psychological abuse and other fun stuff.

Josef Fritzl, though, probably takes the cake for being a really, really bad father.  And by “takes the cake”, I’m hoping the cake he takes will be made of rat poison or toxic sludge or something. You may recall, Josef Fritzl as the Austrian guy who kept his daughter locked in the basement for 24 years and forced her to have 7 kids by him.

However, the grand prize for worst father ever, I think has to go to G.O.D., right? According to his own autobiography,

  • He drowned 99% of his children in a big-assed flood;
  • He did freaky shit like telling one of His sons to kill his own kid and then at the last minute, when He’s reduced the guy to a blubbering mess, yells “Psych! Ha ha, I really had you going…. You were actually going to do it, weren’t you, you nutjob?”;
  • He has his favourite kid, (who incidentally He let some other guy raise) be tortured and murdered while He watched. Then He tells him to stop whining when the kid says he can’t take all the hanging around with nails in his hands and feet anymore;
  • He only talks to some of his kids personally, telling them to do all sorts of crazy, killy, embarassing stuff which makes them seem insane and gets them locked up or pumped full of drugs;
  • He randomly punishes his kids for no reason, inflicting them with diseases/pestilances, deaths and other shitty stuff  — just because He can;
  • He rewards some of his other kids that really don’t deserve it. Like, He’ll look around and find the stupidest-looking kid – the one with one hand up his nose and one hand down his pants – and gives him an entire country to rule;
  • He seems to love watching his kids fighting over Him and spends a lot of time pitting one kid against another kid just for the fun of it; and,
  • He is forever threatening His kids with burning-in-hell type stuff, if they so much as even think about breaking any of  His 90 million totally arbitrary and inexplicable rules.

So who do you think is the worst father ever?

Or, if you want to be more positive on this auspicious occasion, tell us about a great dad.

Meanwhile,  a very Happy Father’s Day to all you guys out there who do your  loving, caring, selfless, supportive daddy thing each and every day. Have a good one!