Not Tonight Dear…

After the asparagus post the other day, a friend asked me, “Why do women lose interest in sex when they’ve been in a relationship with me for a while?”

So, instead of having a meaningful and reassuring discussion with him about this topic, I thought, “Hey, this would make a good blog post.” Because that’s just how I roll.  (In my defense, however, I should point out that I could have said something really cruel and demoralizing — just to be a smartass — but I didn’t. Because I’m very nice.)

Having successfully avoided the discussion, I thought to myself,” Do women really lose interest in sex when they’ve been in a relationship for a while or is it just him a myth?”

I know it’s politically correct to think that men and women are exactly the same and that suggesting women might not be as horny as men is an archaic, anti-feminist thing to think, but from anecdotal evidence collected over the years, I had some suspicion that my friend might be correct and that perhaps it really wasn’t just him.

So, I did what all responsible social scientists do and googled the research of other social scientists. Because I know that you all, also really want to know the answer to this question. Except if you’re tired of reading about sex (like no-blog Paul the commenter), in which case you could just move on to the next blog on your blogroll.

The social scientists[1] say that men’s sexual desire is not only stronger, but also much simpler and more straight forward than women’s. Women’s libido is all tangled up in a whole sticky mess of more or less everything in their lives, their culture, their society and the entire universe. Ergo:

Men = Simple

Women = Complicated

Furthermore, sex psychologist Sheryl Kingsberg, PhD, says (though not in these exact words) some of the main reasons a woman’s libido declines include: 

  1. The relationship sucks.
    • Her partner isn’t romantic or imaginative enough when it comes to lovin’; and/or
    • The partner is generally being a jerk or jerkette outside of the bedroom, not treating the woman like a desirable person until he/she “wants some”; and/or
    • Being generally inconsiderate, thoughtless, a drunk, emotionally distant, fucking around, etc., etc; and/or 
    • Despite having a full-time job, she is still the primary housekeeper and child care parent and is just too freakin’ tired and fed up with not getting any support and the end of the day to even think about sex.  
  2. Sociocultural influences:
    • Job stresses wear women down while they often energize men.
    • Women also stress constantly about how they look.  A few extra pounds, a few extra years and a lot of women no longer feel like anyone thinks of them as sexy. The media tells us what a sexy woman looks like and almost no real woman can measure up to that.  So we give up on the whole idea of sex as it relates to us.
  3. Low testosterone and loss of androgens:  
    • Testosterone affects sexual drive in both men and women. Testosterone levels peak in women in their mid-20s and then steadily decline until menopause, when they drop dramatically.
    • As well, blood levels of androgens  drop continuously in women as they age. (Really, we don’t stand a chance, do we? No wonder guys go after those young, hormone-drenched chicks instead) 
  4. Medical problems and Medications: When you’re not feeling well or are having to take medications, you’re sex drive is going to be affected both from a physiological and psychological perspective.  

Almost 100% of men under the age of 60 say they think about sex at least once a day. Only 25% of women say the same thing. And while we’re on the topic, I’ve heard (and Google evidence bears this out) that men automatically, however briefly, imagine having sex with all, even remotely-attractive women they meet. Do you guy-types agree with this?

Women have a lot of other stuff taking up their brain space, I guess. Because I think when women meet attractive men, they just  imagine how they would look without a shirt while doing the vacuuming or folding the laundry. Am I right?

Anyhow, according to other social-scientific research, most of the time there’s a lot of other stuff women think about and a lot of stuff they’d rather do than have sex.

Sixty-three percent of married women say they would rather do things like sleeping, reading or watching a movie than have sex with their spouse. 

  • Over 30% said that housework gave them more satisfaction than sex.  
  • 24% would rather give up sex for a month than give up their cell phones for a month. 
  • 46% would rather go without sex for 2 weeks than go without the internet for 2 weeks. (Really? Only 46%?)  A whopping 97% of the male participants in the survey thought the internet was sex. (Okay, I made up that last statistic…. I think.) 
  • And, most women fantasize more about food than about sex. 

And speaking of pornography, Northwestern University did a study where they showed pornography to both gay and straight men and women to see what turned them on. To measure arousal levels they used both anecdotal responses and devices attached to the subject’s genitals to measure arousal. (They’re nice devices, don’t worry. They don’t hurt.) Here’s what they found: 

  • Not surprisingly, straight men said they were more turned on by depictions of male-female sex and female-female sex, and the measuring devices backed up their claims.  
  • And, also not surprisingly, gay men said they were more turned on by male-male sex, and again the devices backed them up.  
  • However, while straight women and gay women said they were more turned on by male-female and female-female sex respectively; genitally, they all showed about the same reaction to male-female, male-male, and female-female pornography.   

I don’t know what that means, aside from that women don’t even seem to know what the hell turns them on. Or maybe that everything turns them on but they think nothing does. Or maybe that the genital monitoring device is turning them on? In any case, I thought it was pretty damned interesting.

So, in the interests of furthering all this research, and since most of you have been around for a while and have no doubt discussed some of this stuff with friends, family, co-workers and casual acquaintances in doctor’s offices or on public transit — I would be grateful for your input. I’m not asking for your personal information, of course (unless you want to give it). I’m just wondering what you think of all this not-tonight-dear-I-have-a-headache stuff  based on what people you know,  have known, or would like to know, have told you. 

I thank you and the annals of social science thanks you.

[1] Edward O. Laumann, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago and lead author of a major survey of sexual practices, The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States.   


48 responses to “Not Tonight Dear…

  1. Yeah pretty much every attractive woman I see gets the once over in my mind (but it stays there). This was particularly difficult when I was working at a women’s university, but now that I’m teaching at a regular university I only have to filter half of the student body (pun intended) out.

  2. Another educational post. I object to the notion or depiction that men are just sex-crazed simpletons. No, we are just simpletons. Right now most men in the world are soccer-crazed simpletons. Try offering them sex while their favorite team is playing and you will see what I mean.

  3. Lone Grey Squirrel,

    I’m not that way. In fact I don’t understand sports at all. Puts me to sleep. Sex on the other hand wakes me up and gets the blood pumping.

  4. Well the hormone thing explains A LOT! I used to be totally sex crazed, and thought about sex hourly, at least. I had a hormone imbalance, androgen poisoning.

    My hormone levels are finally normal and I think about sex daily now.

    But even then it isn’t simple is it? I think this is why big pharma hasn’t come up with a real aphrodisiac for women; our brains are too involved. It would be politically incorrect for them to combine a mood altering substance with a vascular dilator, or to suggest you add your female Viagra to a big glass of wine wouldn’t it?

  5. A buddy of mine once said that all the relationship problems in the world would get solved, if men and women could just exchange hormones for one month, to learn how the other person feels.

    He made a good point, I think.

  6. Sean – Wow, that must take up a lot of time in your day. Is it just the first time you meet them or do some get a repeat performance?

    LGS – That would be an interesting experiment. I suppose it would depend on which teams are playing and who’s offering the sex at the time, right?

    Mudmama – Even thinking about sex daily, doesn’t necessarily translate into actually wanting to do it daily, does it? But yes, it’s very frustrating for Pharma not to be able to come up with a little blue pill to “fix” women. As I sort of touched on in the asparagus post, there are a lot of natural hormone enhancements that can be tried, but I don’t think anything will beat a caring, loving partner. Same deal when young people first start to have sex. For the guys it’s usually about whoever is willing; for the girl, they usually want to wait until they’re with a guy they really love and vice versa. Of course that’s just a broad generalization.

    Friar – Good idea. Hormones inform so much of our behaviour, thought processes – so much of who and what we are. I always thought it was naïve to just keep saying men and women are “equal”. They’re equal in the sense that they are both human beings and deserve the same rights as human beings, but that’s pretty much where the equality ends. They’re built differently, wired differently, think differently, respond differently to almost any given situation. So, as your friend said, if we could somehow make each other understand exactly what it feels like to be male or female, we’d be laughing.

  7. I think that along with the loss of testosterone, women lose interest in sex after awhile because their partner takes them for granted and they fall into a routine together.

    Women are working at home and at work and need some fun and romance in order to relax and be sexy. 🙂

  8. In a purely primitive sociological sense it makes sense that women’s brains are so involved in arousal you know. We are the ones to bear children. If the conditions for that – safety, security, a partner we trust to stick around (7 year itch you say???) we aren’t going to feel we should invest in a baby. We can’t turn off that primitive brain just because birth control is available.

    Oh and don’t forget that the Pill and other forms of birth control that affect hormones decrease sexual drive too…why? Because they trick the body into thinking you’re already pregnant. 1st trimester isn’t a very sexy time. I also think the 2nd trimester “sex on the brain all the time” thing is a reminder to the male that it’s worth sticking around!

  9. Yes I check out each and every female to pass as to whether I would or would not. The fact that virtually none of them will let me is of absolutely no consequence to whether or not I would like them to and no this doesn’t take a lot of time or energy. When you have been dong it a long as I have the entire process is whittled down to split seconds.
    I have another theory though about why women are less interested in sex. It isn’t loss of hormones and it isn’t because they are too tired, and it isn’t because their partner doesn’t treat them right, and it isn’t because they don’t think they look sexy. They drop their sexual demands because they know it would make us happy if they did otherwise and women are just naturally mean.

  10. Ha! I think it might be him… really?

    In this relationship, I am the sex-crazed one. Really, I think he’s looking forward to that dip in testosterone…

    As for men, I, um picture them shirtless folding the laundry and making me a snack — after I picture them having sex.

  11. I wonder if there are any studies on how often women/men blog about sex and relationships. You’ve been on quite a roll lately, XUP!

    – RG>

  12. Jazz – Just keep eating that asparagus and you’ll be fine.

    Pauline – I think you’re right. I think that probably works both ways, too, though.

    Mudmama – So, women’s entire sex drive revolves around procreation and safety and security for our offspring you think?

    Dave1949 – It’s true. We ARE mean. We have to be. Just think what a chaotic mess the world would be in if we weren’t mean. Sure, the world is already a chaotic mess, but that’s only because women in the last 50 years have been trying to be more like men and going out to work and stuff. The world wasn’t this messy when we were just plain mean women.

    Nat – You’re still young and jam-packed full of hormones and stuff. In a perfect world, you’ll completely wear the man out right around the time your hormones start to plummet and you’ll both be happy.

    Grouchy – Ya, I know. One topic seems to lead to another. Also it’s something we all have in common and like to think about and discuss so it makes for good conversation. I think this is it for the sex/relationship talk for a while though, so don’t be afraid to come back.

  13. No, not early on, but I think it plays a huge role – think of the times we have a dip in drive and actual issues that make it less pleasurable outside of being tired (dryness etc) – in our 20’s early 30’s – it’s right after having a baby – and we don’t ovulate if we’re doing the biological norm – breastfeeding on demand – for several months – 18 months with my oldest, progressively shorter periods with subsequent kids. This offers protection from the ravages of having babies too close together and offers our children a survival boost too. Because we are designed to be serial monogamists that cheat – like the rest of nature’s “mate for life” creatures of course we need to keep our mates happy and that’s why we have foreplay that can get past our relative indifference when we aren’t actually fertile. women – sex equals love (secure relationship to raise child in) men – booty call, relationship shy because it means WORK and they lose the ability to spread their seed far and wide!

    Really the big brain we have is in constant competition for control over the biological primal brain.

  14. Not thinking about sex for a whole DAY?

    Preferring to keep your cell phone, over sex?

    Fantasizing about food, instead of sex?

    Okay…Ladies, I’m sorry. That is so foreign to my thinking…I can’t even BEGIN to comprehend that.

    No wonder so many guys are frustrated.

    And no wonder so many marriages fail.

  15. Mudmama – I think our big brain wins a lot more of these competitions than it loses — which is not always for the best. We can talk ourselves into and out of all sorts of stuff we shouldn’t.One example would be that test mentioned above where our brains think we’re only attracted to the sexual activity that agrees with how we’ve defined ourselves and yet our bodies say we have much wider-ranging interests.

    Anonymous – AND, so many guys are frustrated and so many marriages fail because one partner “can’t even begin to comprehend” the feelings of the other. Making an effort to understand how someone else might feel or respondly differently from you is a good thing in life in general, but pretty much vital for a healthy relationship.

  16. @XUP

    I agree. But not understanding works both ways, too.

    If it’s not an abusive relationship, and the woman continuosuly withholds sex from her partner, for whatever reason…

    Does she really expect that he’ll be understanding and okay with this, for weeks, months, or years at a time?

    Not that I justify cheating. But like it or not, sex plays a signficant part of a relationship.

    Without it…we might as well move in with our best friend.

  17. Friar – There’s a big difference between “withholding sex” for whatever reason and just having no desire for any of the reasons listed above. Not having any desire is not something the woman is “doing to” the man; it’s something that happens that the woman is probably no happier about than her partner. If a man has a similar problem (some sort of erectile dysfunction or hormonal issue that kills desire– and it DOES happen to men) you wouldn’t blame him for withholding sex – he just can’t do it and can’t help it. This is where an understanding partner becomes important. Someone who will not just say “screw you if you can’t get it up anymore, I’ll find someone who can”. This is where both people sit down and see what they can do – together – to help the situation.

  18. I used to work with a bunch of guys and I can’t recall a day when sex wasn’t mentioned. I don’t mean to generalise but I think it means more to guys than most ladies.

    I remember a buddy of mine once said:
    “Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place!”

    How true is this? You tell me.

    Keep up the good work.

  19. @XUP

    Erectile dysfunction is a slghtly different animal. Because a man might WANT to, but just simply can’t.

    But the couple could still do other things, if intercourse is not immediately possible.

    That’s totally different, than not even WANTING to.

    If, for example, someone prefers their cell phone to sex…well, that’s an indication that something is seriously WRONG.

    It may not even be the woman’s fault.

    But I think that’s a sure sign that the couple needs to get some counselling to find out what the matter is.

  20. But Friar, women have sexual issues like erectile dysfunction too. For example, as women age and hormone levels drop their tissues thin out AND they stop producing as much lubricant which means intercourse can abrade them.

    Women who’ve had bad birth experiences can suffer PTSD that affects their ability to engage in sex – and EVERY sex therapist will tell you if it isn’t enjoyable – DON’T DO IT. If you have to check out emotionally to get through it DON’T DO IT.

    Here’s a nice little TMI – women are routinely cut open during birth and have scar tissue issues to overcome. With a really traumatic birth this scar tissue can extend all the way up to the cervix and form pockets – that hurt and get micro tears every time there is penetrative sex. Because of the tearing thwey’re more likely to get vaginal infections too. GOOD TIMES – want to but can’t…and I think in women (my experience) a little loving good humoured convincing can make you want to even when you weren’t interested because you were tired, or flatlined hormonally, or whatever…but when you add in pain…well surfing knitting sites is a lot more appealing.

    And lets not even get into the ways a history of sexual abuse messes up sex…

    So yeah counselling can help, but just as an erection isn’t necessary for a sex life, neither is the woman simply being a receptacle….and I think this is one f those areas where empathy goes a long way.

  21. I definitely think that hormonal changes play a big role in this because men that have hormonal imbalances can also lose their sex drive. It is indeed sad that big pharma can’t come up with a solution for women to just kind of magically fix it, huh? But that probably is because men are easier to fix with medication. As I think most men I know (and here too it seems) indicate, it isn’t a lack of mental desire to have sex that would prevent them from having it but a physical problem could get in the way. Physical problems are much easier to fix with medication than a mental lack of desire.

  22. Why is a low libido for a woman considered something wrong, or something that needs to be ‘fixed’? I’m sure everyone has their own level of how much sex is ideal to keep them happy and satisfied, and that those levels vary among women (and men) just like the amounts or kinds of food needed to satisfy hunger. Women are not men. Why are women expected to have the same sex drive as a man?

  23. @mudmama

    Oh, come on. I never said anything about women being used for receptacles.

    And yes, I understand the details about lubrication and such…

    But, I know this sounds crazy), what if a partner did something to please their other partner, even if they weren’t 100% the mood themselves, and it didn’t always mean getting something in return?

    And no, not all the time. But once in a while, to sustain things to a bare minimum.

    And I’m talking about men and women, both equally.

    I know that sounds crazy…but I’m just putting it out there….


    I won’t go into details, but obviosuly, there are “other” ways couples can please each other.

    Even (God Forbid) one pleasing the other, even if they aren’t in the mood.

  24. Mark – I wouldn’t go that far. Sometimes the reason is “just because they want to”. Also, for some reason I keep hoping that men are evolved enough as humans to not be entirely ruled by their genitals.

    Friar – Yes, it’s pretty clear cut in the case of a male – perhaps not so much for a woman. “want” can have a lot of meanings. I’m sure a guy can get it up even when he really has no real desire to have sex. Likewise a woman could go along with sex, even if she has no desire to do so. Also, I don’t think that sex needs to be THE most important thing in a person’s life. Even a lot of guys were unwilling to give up their internet for 2 weeks and were willing to give up sex for 2 weeks instead.

    Mudmama – I’m pretty sure Friar is covering his ears and eyes right now and yelling LA LA LA LA LA at the top of his lungs. LOL!!

    Kimberly – Very true. I don’t think I even want Big Pharma messing with women’s sex drives. The whole Viagra thing is pretty iffy at best and that’s a relatively simple fix – whatever they would come up with for women would probably be some horrid equivalent of Spanish Fly.

    Alison – No one is saying women have to be just like men. I was just illustrating the differences and pointing out exactly what you said – that we’re really very different. If you and your partner are happy with your sex lives no matter how much or how little actual sexual activity there is, then there’s no problem at all. If you want way less (or none at all) and he wants way more (or vice versa); and you can’t agree on a compromise, then there might be a problem with. And it’s really a problem if a woman would like to feel more desire, but can’t for whatever reason – medical or emotional.

    Lebanowski – What’s this serial monogamy thing? And what does it have to do with lanes on bridges? 4 lanes would imply having several women at once. Serial monogamy maybe is more like having a relationship until you get tired of the woman or she gets a runny nose or something and then you move on to the next one ad infinitum???

    Friar – I don’t know about Mudmama, but I would agree with what you said. Of course I guess there could be all sorts of situations/scenarios where any sort of sex play would be somehow completely impossible (psychologically or physically) for one partner and I’ve heard more than one woman say they feel like that, especially after child-birth. That they want more than anything to be able to be intimate with their partner, but just “can’t”. I won’t pretend to really understand that, but it does happen a lot.

  25. I guess it’s just a matter of perspective. I remember in the film “Annie Hall”, there’s a scene where Diane Keaton is talking to her therapist about her relationship and, when asked how often they have sex, she replies, “All the time. Like 3 times a week.” The next scene has Woody Allen talking to his therapist and saying, “We hardly have sex at all, only 3 times a week.”

    I guess I’m just trying to make the point that just because someone (woman or man) has a low libido doesn’t mean that they are defective or ‘something’s wrong with them’. It’s part of their makeup, like having brown hair or hazel eyes. We don’t all have to be raring to go 24/7 to be considered ‘normal’. Or at least we shouldn’t be.

    And as for pleasing someone when you’re not in the mood, yeah, it’s a nice idea. But the consideration for the other person has to go both ways. When person A (the one who wants a little something something even though person B not in the mood) has spent all evening lying on the couch with the remote, or on the computer ‘unwinding’, while person B has made dinner, cleaned up after dinner, folded laundry, bathed the kids, put the kids to bed, sent 2 work emails, set out the clothes and made the lunches for the next day, person A should probably not be surprised if person B does not feel like pleasing them. In fact person A should probably frisk person B for knives before letting them in bed. 🙂

  26. Good Lord…does it have to be THIS complicated?

    Apparenlty, yes.

    But I like comment threads like this.

    Because they’re a great reminder of WHY I’m currently single, and how grateful I am that I don’t have to deal with all this crap.

    It’s kind of like a vaccination shot.

    Because it’s confirmed my bachelorhood for at least another 6 months. 🙂

  27. Yes sort of…. you have sex with only one person at a time…. well you go from one relationship at a time..
    And the bridge thing?
    Its the punchline of an old joke.

  28. I do think sex is a “mental” or “emotional” thing for women versus a “physical” thing for men. When I was with my ex-husband I liked having sex, we actually would joke about how people said when they got married it stopped, ours increased. And I honestly believe it was because I loved him so much, and felt so close to him…. I think if there is a great emotional “connection” women are more apt to want to do it…
    Now being with a new boyfriend, I could care less about sex.. I really sometimes just do it to please him, or to get it over with.

    Also, someone mentioned cheating… and that sometimes if a woman withholds sex a man cheats (or something of that nature). My examples are extreme opposites. My ex-husband cheated, and the sex was wonderful (and daily), my new bf would never cheat, and the sex is sporatic at best. So what is up with that?

  29. asking people in surveys is tricky because people may answer how they think they are supposed to. by priming gender in the question, you may throw off results.

    do women really want sex less and think of it less, or just are afraid of name-calling should they say so? is inside the head actually the same and taboos are different?

    or would the taboos cross over that much into behavior as an inhibitor so females don’t feel safe to want and ask for sex?

    what about women coming into their sexual peak in their 30s? they might compete with the hormone flux of average 18 year old male.

    libido for both genders is tied to health and stress and religion and access. it’s sort of like eating less. your stomach may rumble but you can’t actually eat as much after a habit of small meals. libido shrinks if not used.

    sex in a monogamous relationship can take on power leverage for getting other things. reward structures: can’t have sex until house is clean. or one gets to have sex if work is done.

    or there’s an event speaker doesn’t want to go to but partner does? how about sex instead? bait and switch or just some other overly complex unnecessary bullshit.

    if women do women lose interest in sex, is it the sex, or the games and baggage?

    like the Woody Allen example, is the question of substitution that other kinds of intimacy or connection fill the gap differently by gender hormone cocktail?

    and then there’s the territory thing. it can be like bulimia where it’s a matter of stating autonomy for self by refusing what is urged to be consumed.

    yes, celibacy is simple. closer to flatline without all the panging.

  30. huh, Gayle, we wrote about some of the same points simultaneously.

    what’s up with cheating and more sex and monogamy and less? less inhibitions or guilt gifts or the more you get the more you want feedback cycle, or libido generally trends down with age so further along there’d be a drop off?

  31. “Women’s libido is all tangled up in a whole sticky mess of more or less everything in their lives, their culture, their society and the entire universe.”

    I have definitely seen evidence of this. In many cases, I think men are willing to at least temporarily set aside all other issues if the possibility of sex with someone attractive exists.

    Women seem more likely to insist that everything else be resolved to some degree of satisfaction first.

  32. Alison – Agreed. It is what it is and nobody is putting a quantitative minimum on what’s “normal”. It would be good if expectations are made clear from the outset so spouses don’t complain waaaaaay down the line that they were never sexually compatible.

    Friar – No, it doesn’t HAVE to be this complicated. However, whenever you tangle your life up with another human being’s, in whatever capacity, complications are going to arise. That’s what the “for better or worse” thing in a marriage is all about. You can be the most compatible people in the world going into the relationship, but stuff happens along the way that you can’t control. And if you think enough of each other, you’ll find ways of working out that stuff. And if not, then you just move on.

    Lebanowski – Whatever works for you. And you’ll have to tell me that joke some time. Maybe.

    Gayle – People cheat and the reasons have nothing to do with their partners. That’s just a handy excuse they use. It really, really has nothing to do with you. It’s the guy. He’s a nice guy who chooses to be faithful to you no matter what. Or he’s a cheating slimeball who chooses to cheat on you no matter what. Also, it certainly is very accommodating of you to keep having sex that you don’t care about. Weird, but accommodating.

    Pearl – “stating autonomy for self by refusing what is urged to be consumed” – I think that happens a lot – not necessarily consciously. Especially when a woman is torn in a lot of different directions – the workplace want bits of her; the kids want bits of her; her parents want bits of her…then she fights to keep the one bit of her that she actually still has some control over.

    Milan – Yes. Does he love me? Do I love him? Am I attractive enough? Does he respect me? Is this relationship going anywhere? Will he cheat on me? Have I changed the sheets recently? Which underwear am I wearing? Is it too early in the relationship to have sex? Will he stay the night? Will he want to see me again? Will my friends like him? What did he mean by that remark? What if I don’t like the way he looks naked? Do I respect what he does for a living? Is he nice to his parents? Does he want kids one day?

  33. In the time it took me to read this post and the comments, I could have enjoyed an orgasm, lol.

    I agree with Friar that sometimes you do for your partner even when you’re not in the mood. My last relationship was like that (but too much, so); I did all the work.

    There can be those times when you just do it for the sake of it without it being a whole production — just like exercise. I like to know what my partner likes and it’s my responsibility to let him know what I like. Communication is important. Trying new things in new places helps to spice it up.

    I think we make more out of this than necessary, in a way. We get too hung up on protocol and “shoulds”. Sure, I like to be romanced and I like to be treated a certain way. But there are different levels of sexual experiences. I also… ahem, grew up on a farm. Need I say more. Excuse me… gotta… something to take care of 🙂

  34. Thanks for the reply XUP- It was a bit of a ‘throw away’ remark and I could be accused of stereotyping.

    I’m happily married (no, really) and the trouble is I’ve seen a number of relationships break up because one partner has a low sex drive and the other has an over-active libido and wandering eyes (a bad combination). This could be for a number reasons and I’m not one who likes to judge.

    But I think couples get caught up in their own lives with work, kids, money problems etc and take each other for granted, easy to do in the modern world. I’m no psychologist but when I went through a rough patch in my relationship I believe it had a lot to do with communicating, or more correctly the lack of it.

    Alison-It’s OK to have sex three times a week, so long as it’s morning, noon and night! lol.

  35. Milan & Friar – I may have exaggerated a tad — but not too much. It’s never as simple as “Gee, I hope he lets me have sex with him.”

    Davina – It sounds like you and your spousal unit have worked things out well and are happy with the way things are. And that’s how it should be and probably is in most relationships. However, it’s good to give Friar a little scare now and then, but also while it’s easy for someone well adjusted, who grew up on a farm and is in a happy union to say “we make more of this than necessary, but sex is one of those things that comes with a hell of a lot of baggage for many people.

    Mark – Communication is absolutely the key in all relationships and in any relationship of any sort you have with another human being. I visited your website and I’m not sure I get what you’re doing there? You’re showing guys how to get their women back? Women who’ve dumped them? And it’s not creepy stalker guidelines or anything?

  36. Hey XUP, thanks for checking out the site, it’s a work in progress.

    We all have our own personal views on whether we would want to get back with someone we’ve split up with. Relationships break down for all sorts of reasons including a lack of sex but often it can purely be from a lack of communication.

    I’d never advise guys to take up stalking. But people can make all sorts of rash decisions just after a break up and essentially the advice is take some time out and decide if you really do want to get back with your ex.

    Advice can be taken or ignored but it can be useful to get someone else’s perspective.

  37. Spousal unit? Hah! I’m between spousal units; that relationship I mentioned is the one I ended.

    It’s easy to say, it’s easy to say. No, it’s not easy to say. My mother was married many times. I didn’t start out with this perspective — Good Lord! 🙂 I’m not perfect and still learning; more open-minded than I used to be (not in my wildest dreams would I have imagined talking about sex on a blog).

    I’ve come to believe and understand this from the last few long-term relationships I’ve been in. My last one opened my eyes in a big way.

    I agree, sex comes with a helluva lot of baggage for some people. I suspect that some of the hangups are about getting sex itself hung up with the other emotional baggage — it’s like it’s become the scapegoat, when it’s the symptom of something else. Not dealing with the ‘other’ issues and keeping things all bottled up. We’re pretty complex, that’s for sure. There’s no easy answer. Just my thoughts, I’m no Sue Johanson.

  38. based on my experience, i would say the sex psychologist’s findings ARE ALL CORRECT. i personally think about sex a lot, like sex, and think it’s awesome.

    this falls along with my whole take on monogamy, i think it’s some cruel joke that men are built to experience sex in the way they do, and women are so much more complicated. it seems unfair. and that whole women not liking sex or porn is not as true as it’s been in older times.

    the measuring device makes sense since we’re (women) so complicated, i think it depends on the circumstances at the time. at least for me that’s usually how it is. time of the month, what i’ve eaten, etc.

  39. Leah – I think it’s a myth that women didn’t used to enjoy sex. I don’t think we’ve actually evolved from the frigid, timid souls in Victorian England to the free and easy babes we are today. I think we’ve always had pretty much the same feelings about sex, it was just society that pretended that things were different. Because there is literature from way back in medieval times and even earlier that makes it clear that women engaged in, and enjoyed very ribald activity. I don’t think that stopped for a few centuries just because we decided we should cover women up and treat them like virgins.