I still can barely wrap my head around the idea that females spend a lot of time, money and effort (and pain) to wax, shave or otherwise keep their cootchie hair-free. Or to stencil designs into their love-hedges.
Then I read on someone’s blog a while back about vajazzling – popularized by Jennifer Love Ghost Whisperer Hewitt in her biography and by Kathy Griffin in her on-air Poolside Pap Test. If it was going to be televised, she said, she wanted it to be (quote) as va-beautiful as it va-can.
If you’re squeamish about clicking the links, (and who could blame you)vajazzling is gluing shiny crystals in pretty designs on your shaven hoo-ha. Why people do this is beyond the scope of this blogpost, but Jennifer Love Ghost Whisperer Hewitt had hers done after she broke up with her husband or had her dog down or some such trauma…I can’t remember.. But the message is clear — nothing neutralizes human emotions better than a sparkly cootchie.
Okay, so we’ve established that some people are a little crazy. But now I read (in a reputable newspaper) that there is a whole line of ladybits-related products on the market.
For instance, there’s Linger – which is (are you ready?) “vaginal breath mints”.
That’s right. Apparently 72% of women are self-conscious about the scent or flavour of their dark, moist place. So now they can smell and taste like a candy cane. The mint, which you do NOT eat, takes 45 minutes to fully dissolve. The theory being that this will encourage partners to “linger” a full 45 minutes instead of the desultory, token 30 seconds just to say they’ve done “the foreplay bit” (Of course a partner like that you might need something more than a vag mint, but that again, is beyond the scope of this particular blogpost.)
On the flip side of this coin, the Germans have come up with a “cologne” called Vulva Original that smells like an authentic vulva is supposed to. (PS: Save watching the ad on that link until you’re in a private place. But don’t forget come back and watch it. It’s bizzaro!) The CEO of Vivaeros, the company that produces Vulva, says:
It is for your own smelling pleasure. You just put it on the back of our hand, smell it and the film starts rolling in your head.
Then once you’re hairless, be-jewelled, minty-fresh and have sent your partner off with some real Vulva to smell, you can go for some labia dye – My New Pink Button. It comes it four lovely hues of pink – Marilyn, Bettie, Ginger and Audry. I guess it’s a similar concept to vaginal or anal bleaching . Because who doesn’t wants their nether regions to be fresh and pink, right? Because you can’t get or keep a man if your orifices aren’t fresh and pink and youthful looking. And also you’ll hate yourself even more with non-pink orifices and you’ll feel totally nonsexy. Oh, and old and used up. And way too…you know…human. Ewwww.
So anyway, to celebrate all this fun attention the punani is getting, Etsy, everyone’s favourite online handmade stuff shop, is selling a bunch of Vagina Appreciation merchandise to (quote) foster understanding and appreciation of Vagina.
See? It’s working already because I, for one, did not even realize that vaginas were misunderstood or underappreciated.
So, what does Etsy offer to help everyone love the vayjay?
Well, I know you’ll all want to rush out and get a VulvaLoveLovely Portrait Pendant for instance. (Again, don’t click on this at work) You just email them a few close up photos of your yoni and they make a pendant for you that looks exactly like your very own special area.
Etsy is also selling Vegan Vulva Lip Balm (sweet cherry flavour only), Frida Kahlo Uterus Pillows, (Don’t worry the pillows don’t look like Frida Kahlo’s uterus. They are just pillows shaped like a uterus and fallopian tubes that look like Frida Kahlo. I know eh? Phew!)
There are also Ovulating Fertile Uterus Pillows .
And then there’s this charming clutch purse that (quote) rocks a Vulva and her heart-shaped pubic hair with a fuchsia pearl clitoris on a pink zebra-striped base. (Click to embiggen if you must)
So versatile and roomy and yet so attractive! You can wear it with anything and take it everywhere. What’s not to love, right?
Ye gods and little fishes!
Etsy is all horrified by the vajazzling and vag mint stuff and thinks it’s doing something good for feminism with their particular products. And, I’m all for people loving, enjoying and celebrating their bodies and other people’s bodies, but I think it’s just weird and de-humanizing to do it one body part at a time like this. Sorry.
Am I the only one who thinks this is all incredibly bizzare? Except for that German ad, of course. That’s beyond bizzare.