Revenge of the Critters

As a follow-up to yesterday’s post, I commented to Julia that I sometimes actually felt like my cat was trying to kill me. I know that sounds ridiculous, because I’m so much bigger, but I’ve seen those National Geographic documentaries where the little leopard brings down a hippo or something. And I’ve seen that same look in Bazel’s eye and that same coiled tension in his haunches as he waits to pounce on me.

During the 1960s, like me, people had a healthy fear of animals taking revenge on their humans for some misdeed we didn’t even know about. Because who really knows what animals consider the ultimate insult – the last straw that can be avenged by nothing short of death? The ultimate insult to animals could something weird like their owners wearing blue two days in a row. Maybe this is a signal to your cat that you think he’s retarded. Who knows, right?

I was really surprised to learn one day, for instance, that the worst thing you can call someone in prison is “goof”. Call someone a goof and you’re asking for a shiv to the kidneys apparently.  Makes no sense to us law-abiding folks, but there you go. Maybe animals have strange codes like that, too?

Anyway, as I was saying, in the 1960s, Hollywood came out with a whole bunch of animal revenge-type movies: The Birds and Planet of the Apes stand out.

Then there were a whole bunch of movies about mutant insects and lizards and stuff destroying the world. The Birds is a classic which everyone should see at least once. It stars a whole bunch of nasty birds and Tippi Hedren, who, as you may remember is the mother of Melanie Griffith who is, much to my chagrin,  still married to Antonio Banderas[1] as of 9:00 am this morning.

Oh well.

Meanwhile, back in the real life animal kingdom, animals are systematically killing off humans. There have been several already this year. There was that whale that finally had enough and killed its trainer.

Then there was that crazy guy in January, right here in Ontario, (Norm Buwalda) who was killed by his 294 kg pet tiger. Interestingly, Ontario is one of the few places in the free world where there are no laws restricting the ownership of tigers or lions or wolves or monkeys or snakes or other wild animals. There are also no laws  in this province governing the housing, care or safety of these wild animals.

Speaking of crazy animal owners, in February, some Slovenian guy was mauled to death by his three dogs who had previously attacked humans and for whom he had fought in court so he wouldn’t have to put them down. 

Then just last month a guy in Pennsylvania was attacked and killed by his pet bull (no, not “pit” bull – PET BULL). This guy apparently had 10 pet cows as well.

By far, however,  the killiest animal on earth is the human. Humans are directly and indirectly responsible for the death of about a gajillion other creatures pretty much on a daily basis. Other animals don’t even come close to that record.

Our worst critter enemy is the mosquito. Mosquitos are widely regarded as the deadliest creature on the planet killing 3 million people annually with the malaria they carry.

Bees are next in line as our worst enemies. Bees kill over 50 people every year in the US alone. As a revenge thing, I guess that’s a pretty sad effort, really. But I understand they’re gearing up with additional troops from Africa who have already invaded Texas, en masse.

Our next worst enemy is also our best friend – the dog. Dogs kill some 30+ humans in the US every year. Some friend, eh? I have a couple of human friends that are about that trustworthy, too.

Horses kill 20 people annually in the US.

Cats don’t make the killer list at all.

But spiders do. So, I’m going to openly apologize to all those people who I’ve been mocking for their hysterical and irrational fear of spiders. (Alison, Cedar, etc.) Spiders (Black Widow and Brown Recluse) kill 6.5 people a year.

Rattlesnakes are a close 5th, killing 5.5 people a year.

And bulls kill 3 people a year – in the US. I’m sure they kill a lot more in other places, like Spain for instance.

And speaking of Spain, do you know who was born in Spain? Yes, that’s right – Antonio Banderas!

Also, I can’t for the life of me understand why the whole world is raggin’ on Canada for the seal hunt thing all the time, but never say a word about Spain and that horrible bull-fighting thing they do. Bull-fighting is just for entertainment. At least the seals are killed for food and medical supplies and other useful stuff. Sheesh.

Someone made a documentary in 1999 called Animalicious: Revenge of the Animals which tells the story of several bizarre animal attacks on humans with the hypothesis that animals actually do seek to avenge themselves on humans.

If they all teamed up one day like in The Birds or The Apes  and set out to destroy us and/or make us their slaves, do you think the animals would win? And if we asked for help from guys like Batman or Spiderman would they actually help us or would they side with the bats and spiders?

Well, have a fabulous long weekend and watch out for the Easter Bunny and other critters!

[1] It’s been a long time since I’ve mentioned Antonio and my posts with Antonio photos continue to get the most hits week after week, so I’m pandering. Also, I have a 4-day weekend coming up and the weather is going to be splendiferous and I have a brand new computer at work so I’m in really good spirits and nothing says cherry on the frosting to me like Antonio Banderas.


23 responses to “Revenge of the Critters

  1. Max (Evil Ninja Assassin Cat) and I live in a state of detente, punctured by occasional bursts of feline affection and sporadic murder attempts. I’m sure he has plans for me. I feel a little bit like Bridget Jones, who was worried about dying alone and being eaten by dogs. Only in my case, it’s a cat.

  2. A couple of things:

    1) Antonio Banderas – why why why is he with that freak of a woman?

    2) Who is the half person the spiders kill a year? Is the other half killed by the rattlesnakes?

    3) I guess seals are cuter than bulls. Cause you always get the baby seal picture, whereas a baby bull, meh…

  3. I once posted about a demonic cat called Cujo. Now that was evil personified and it was not a case of critter taking revenge, it was practicing the “first strike” philosophy.

    Now I notice squirrels did not make your list of rogue animal killers. That’s probably because we are good at burying the bodies.

  4. “Also, I can’t for the life of me understand why the whole world is raggin’ on Canada for the seal hunt thing all the time, but never say a word about Spain and that horrible bull-fighting thing they do. Bull-fighting is just for entertainment. ”

    Not me, I am quite open in my criticisms of Spanish bullfighting and the running of the bulls, which are pathetic pseudo-sports. In terms of senseless cruelty to animals, Spain (as well as certain other countries) has our seal hunt beat, hands down!

  5. I love how the Europeans bitch about the seal hunt.

    The same Europeans who also eat Pate de Fois Gras.

    Who have overpopulated their continent and have succesfully killed off all their own herds of wild animals centuries ago.

    Yet who still come to our Atlantic shores, and scrape the ocean bottom clean with their floating-fish factories.

    PS. Bazel sounds like he’s a bit f***ed in the head.

    But those are the cats I like to play head-games mess with.

    (Dont’ worry, it’s always mutual…and the cats I mess with seem to like it).

  6. Years ago my Mom had a cat with similar issues as Bazel and we loved him. (We still have scars from his attacks) It was easy to brush off his biting and laugh at until my cousins started having kids and babies came to visit. Totally changed how we viewed his “quirks”. I wonder if Antonio has pets?

  7. Alison – I think we’d better nip this in the bud. First they’re making phone calls and now all these odd glances. Yesterday, Bazel somehow managed to get the balcony door open and we found him sitting out there pleased as punch with himself. That’s a freakin’ heavy door. I’m thinking he had help.

    Jazz – I think Antonio must love her, They always look very cosy, Maybe he sees something in her we don’t. Maybe because she needs him. I don’t know. I have no answers, only yearning questions.

    LGS – Actually one of the stories featured in the Animals Revenge documentary was a The Mad Squirrel of Missouri who terrorized a whole town by randomly attacking people. They finally captured him and killed him and did an autopsy to see why he did this. He wasn’t rabid, so it’s still a mystery.

    Pauline – I know, eh? And yet it’s the Europeans who are yelling the loudest about the seals.

    Friar – Exactly what I just said to Pauline vis a vis the Europeans. AS for Bazel, I’m sure he would enjoy your head games. He likes games of every sort – soccer, fetch, jumping and diving, racing, hiding, attacking, stalking, destroying the mousie toys in the shortest possible time, staring contests, toying with bugs until they’re dead and then eating them, opening doors cupboards and the fridge game, rolling the poo, alarm clock, etc., etc.

    MM – Antonio has 7 dogs and 2 cats. No, I didn’t know that. I had to look it up. I’m not a crazy stalker fan.

  8. @XUP

    My cousin had a cat that was a total a-hole. Growling and hissing all the time.

    I’d mess with him…gently grab his head and such. And he’d grab my hands with his claws and threaten to tear my hand off.

    Yet he never drew blood and never hurt me.

    My cousin, of course, would get all snippity, that I was tormenting poor Cinnamon.

    But when I left the room, he would follow and sit down next to me, and we’d resume the game.

    She didn’t get it…the cat, in his own grumpy way…LIKED this.

    Sounds like something Bazel would do…

  9. Ah ha! Now I have a real reason to be terrified of horses! And you forgot all about sharks and those horrible tiny jellyfish.
    My favorite animal revenge movie was Frogs. It was a 1972 movie set on a steamy lush island complete with intense family soap opera, sort of Tennessee Williams style.
    Enjoy your long weekend, and watch out for frogs. And horses. And your cat.

  10. have you seen antonio lately? he’s really let himself go…

    my cat edgar does the bitting thing after petting as well. but it’s done with purring and tends to not be very hard. i consider them love bites. perfectly normal, right?

    while my cats don’t show much emotion past purring and rubbing up against you when you open a tin of tune, the dog is all about the emotions. mostly pathetic, *woe is me* type. you’ve never seen a more pathetic dog in your life. or a more happy one when at the park with a ball in his mouth.

    happy bunnies and chocolate to you too.

  11. Yeah, there is something about Antonio. But I also like Russell Crowe. Hmm.

    I can’t believe you forgot about the movies “Frogs” and “Willard”, both of which I saw in cinemas when they came out. I just went looking for “Willard” (which was the name of the kid, not the rat – the rat was Ben) and it seems to be missing in action over at IMDB. But I saw it. I still like rats. And frogs.

  12. Frair – Bazel doesn’t growl or hiss. He’ll be all cute and roll over and show you his belly and you’ll go to rub it and then he’ll grab you and hang on for dear life and sink his teeth into you and he WILL definitely draw blood. He’s pretty much in control of the games he likes to play.

    Geewits – I don’t think those horses that killed people hunted them down and murdered them in their beds or anything. Probably they just threw their riders because they were sick of carrying them around and then the rider died of a snapped neck or something. I don’t know why sharks and jellyfish weren’t on the list. Maybe they don’t kill enough people to make it. I like Tennesee Willliams.I don’t think I ever saw Frogs though. Glass Menagerie. That was about animals, too, right?

    Smothermother – Do NOT be dissing on Antonio. (lol) If that’s “letting himself go” then you have some mighty high standards, ma’am. He’s grown a beard for a movie and it’s got a lot of grey in it. The guy is 50. He’s allowed to age a bit now and then. At least he’s not opting for the turn-him-into-a-freak cosmetic surgery route like Mrs. Banderas. Anyway, as for Edgar – little nips sound normal. I wish mine just did little nips. Unfortunately they are full out sinking of the teeth. Cats have incredibly powerful jaws and teeth. They can tear through bone and muscle and I’m pretty sure if I let him, Bazel would and could take my hand off when he really gets going. I try never to let it go that far.

    Cedar – Yes it is. Why do you ask?

    Julia – Russell Crowe? Nah. He’s all yours. Are you saying Willard never made it to DVD? I find that hard to believe. I bet it’s available on Amazon or eBay or something if it’s really important to you.

  13. I had a girlfriend who had a cat named twinkles. Twinkles held a bizarre fascination with my hand – left in particular and would attack it and bury his canines deep in the web between my fingers and thumb. I patiently waited until no one was watching, when he attacked my hand and slammed him into a table. No more hand biting!
    I’m a dog person anyhow.

  14. Jen – I don’t think we have too many malaria-riddled mosquitoes in this neck of the woods. But speaking of woods, we should probably stay out of them altogether and hang around cities where there are no mosquitoes, just in case.

    Violetsky – There are a lot of deadly critters in Australia, aren’t there? I’m glad I didn’t emigrate to Australia, too.

    Lebowski – You know I appreciate you visiting here and saying a lot of crazy stuff hoping to get people angry with you and into a heated discussions. And it works sometimes. The trick is not to say something so outrageous that people immediately recognize it as a deliberately outrageous statement (a la Ann Coulter…although people keep believing that she actually means all that stuff she says). Anyway, I’m pretty sure most people know that you did not slam a cat into a table and that you are not seriously suggesting it as a solution to a biting problem.

  15. For me it’s all about alligators. They scare the crap out of me, especially when they walk on the path right in front of me. Licking their chops. Their gigantic, pointy, fierce chops.

  16. I’m with Lebowski on this. Cats or dogs that abuse me are challenged to a game of who’s the boss. If I had a pet that attacked it would be decided in the first month or so and if the pet didn’t cease the activity it would be gone. For reference please check out what a mother animal does when the kids play too rough. They are bitten, kicked or otherwise beaten into submission. It is only people who feel guilty about using their superior strength that refuse to whack the crap out of a misbehaving pet.

  17. They have great bull fights in Provence-they just try and grab a ribbon from between the bulls horns and run for their lives while the bull gives chase. It’s lots of fun to watch and no blood. I’ve never seen a Spanish bull fight and doubt I ever will.

  18. Ellie – I don’t think I’ve ever seen an alligator up close and personal like that, but I imagine that would be really scary. Especially because they look so prehistoric. Oh, and because they have so many freakin’ teeth.

    Dave1949 – Humans should know better than to “whack the crap” out of anything. That includes children, the elderly, the infirm, women, men, and animals. If someone or something is attacking you in a life-threatening manner then you have the right to defend yourself, but other than that there is never an excuse to “whack the crap” out of anyone. Violence doesn’t teach anything. What kind of person “whacks the crap” out of a 10-pound cat anyway?

    Lebowski – Apparently.

    Linda – Well, I guess that’s better than mutilating and killing the bull, but why do we need sports that involve taunting animals at all?