As a follow-up to yesterday’s post, I commented to Julia that I sometimes actually felt like my cat was trying to kill me. I know that sounds ridiculous, because I’m so much bigger, but I’ve seen those National Geographic documentaries where the little leopard brings down a hippo or something. And I’ve seen that same look in Bazel’s eye and that same coiled tension in his haunches as he waits to pounce on me.
During the 1960s, like me, people had a healthy fear of animals taking revenge on their humans for some misdeed we didn’t even know about. Because who really knows what animals consider the ultimate insult – the last straw that can be avenged by nothing short of death? The ultimate insult to animals could something weird like their owners wearing blue two days in a row. Maybe this is a signal to your cat that you think he’s retarded. Who knows, right?
I was really surprised to learn one day, for instance, that the worst thing you can call someone in prison is “goof”. Call someone a goof and you’re asking for a shiv to the kidneys apparently. Makes no sense to us law-abiding folks, but there you go. Maybe animals have strange codes like that, too?
Then there were a whole bunch of movies about mutant insects and lizards and stuff destroying the world. The Birds is a classic which everyone should see at least once. It stars a whole bunch of nasty birds and Tippi Hedren, who, as you may remember is the mother of Melanie Griffith who is, much to my chagrin, still married to Antonio Banderas as of 9:00 am this morning.
Meanwhile, back in the real life animal kingdom, animals are systematically killing off humans. There have been several already this year. There was that whale that finally had enough and killed its trainer.
Then there was that crazy guy in January, right here in Ontario, (Norm Buwalda) who was killed by his 294 kg pet tiger. Interestingly, Ontario is one of the few places in the free world where there are no laws restricting the ownership of tigers or lions or wolves or monkeys or snakes or other wild animals. There are also no laws in this province governing the housing, care or safety of these wild animals.
Speaking of crazy animal owners, in February, some Slovenian guy was mauled to death by his three dogs who had previously attacked humans and for whom he had fought in court so he wouldn’t have to put them down.
Then just last month a guy in Pennsylvania was attacked and killed by his pet bull (no, not “pit” bull – PET BULL). This guy apparently had 10 pet cows as well.
By far, however, the killiest animal on earth is the human. Humans are directly and indirectly responsible for the death of about a gajillion other creatures pretty much on a daily basis. Other animals don’t even come close to that record.
Our worst critter enemy is the mosquito. Mosquitos are widely regarded as the deadliest creature on the planet killing 3 million people annually with the malaria they carry.
Bees are next in line as our worst enemies. Bees kill over 50 people every year in the US alone. As a revenge thing, I guess that’s a pretty sad effort, really. But I understand they’re gearing up with additional troops from Africa who have already invaded Texas, en masse.
Our next worst enemy is also our best friend – the dog. Dogs kill some 30+ humans in the US every year. Some friend, eh? I have a couple of human friends that are about that trustworthy, too.
Horses kill 20 people annually in the US.
Cats don’t make the killer list at all.
But spiders do. So, I’m going to openly apologize to all those people who I’ve been mocking for their hysterical and irrational fear of spiders. (Alison, Cedar, etc.) Spiders (Black Widow and Brown Recluse) kill 6.5 people a year.
Rattlesnakes are a close 5th, killing 5.5 people a year.
And bulls kill 3 people a year – in the US. I’m sure they kill a lot more in other places, like Spain for instance.
And speaking of Spain, do you know who was born in Spain? Yes, that’s right – Antonio Banderas!
Also, I can’t for the life of me understand why the whole world is raggin’ on Canada for the seal hunt thing all the time, but never say a word about Spain and that horrible bull-fighting thing they do. Bull-fighting is just for entertainment. At least the seals are killed for food and medical supplies and other useful stuff. Sheesh.
Someone made a documentary in 1999 called Animalicious: Revenge of the Animals which tells the story of several bizarre animal attacks on humans with the hypothesis that animals actually do seek to avenge themselves on humans.
If they all teamed up one day like in The Birds or The Apes and set out to destroy us and/or make us their slaves, do you think the animals would win? And if we asked for help from guys like Batman or Spiderman would they actually help us or would they side with the bats and spiders?
 It’s been a long time since I’ve mentioned Antonio and my posts with Antonio photos continue to get the most hits week after week, so I’m pandering. Also, I have a 4-day weekend coming up and the weather is going to be splendiferous and I have a brand new computer at work so I’m in really good spirits and nothing says cherry on the frosting to me like Antonio Banderas.