8 Mysteries of Womanhood

Note to Male Readers: If the title is makes you think this is going to be about “female” things, it isn’t. So don’t worry. By the same token, if you think you’re going to get some answers, you might be disappointed. But who knows. Other people might have answers. I think the truth is that women are as mysterious to other women and to themselves as they are to men.

There are quite a few things that women do that I, as an actual and long-time woman, find confounding. And when I don’t understand something I ask questions. So, I want to ask about the following:

  1. Make-up. I wear a little make-up. Slapping on a bit of colour in the morning makes me look like I’m awake and alive and not so drab. But it takes me less than 5 minutes and I’m good for the day. I don’t have a fishing tackle box full of products. I have maybe three, four products – tops. I see women in the washrooms at work several times a day with their tackle box, pulling bottles, tubes, boxes, cases and brushes and other things out of them and applying all manner of liquids and powders and colourful lines to their faces with them. Why? Why do you need to keep adding more make-up to the make-up you already have on? Where does the original make-up go? Why do you feel the need to bury your face beneath several layers of stuff? Also, I have never understood foundation and lipstick. Both of these only look good for about 9 seconds after you apply them. Foundation gets all dry and flaky and mostly makes your face look either dead or orange. What exactly is it the foundation for? It looks horrible. And lipstick? What’s that all about? It wears off instantly and leaves your mouth looking like a 6-year-old’s who’s too many eaten no-name brand Cheezies.
  2. Nails. I find it odd that so many women are obsessed with their fingernails. They get manicures regularly. The manicurists do stuff to their cuticles. They soak, buff, file, trim and paint their nails. They glue on fake nails. They put little jewels and decals on their nails. They charge them money for all this and then send them on their way. By the time the women and their fancy nails get to their cars, their nails are beginning to chip. How do you live your lives with long, colourful nails? How do enjoy a meal knowing there is all kinds of crud and bacteria crawling around under those long nails with which you are handling your food? How do you….nevermind…I don’t want to know.
  3. High Heels. So many, many women are passionately in love with high heels. I don’t, for the life of me, get it. Don’t get me wrong — I love shoes. I love shoes that are comfortable and durable, that I can walk in and that look “nice”. High heels meet none of these requirements. Sure, they make your calves look like baseballs and give you some height and men seem to think they’re sexy, but so what? They cause bunions, blisters, back problems, twisted ankles, falls, sprains and you can’t walk in them. Women in high heels hobble along, looking like they’re going fast, when they’re actually getting nowhere, slowly. Walking more than 10 feet is uncomfortable and I suspect men only think they’re sexy because they make women look like they’re vulnerable and unable to escape.
  4. Home Decorating. Many women I know drool and talk for hours over things like colour swatches, paint chips, furniture, home “accents”, window treatments, knick-knacks, seasonal décor, china patterns, stemware, flatware, pillow shams, etc., etc., etc. I can’t seem to get excited by any of this.  I’d like to, because other women have nicely put together homes with stuff that matches and “works” and I can admire that, but when it comes to the crunch, I just don’t care. As long as my home is clean and tidy and things are pushed against the wall so I don’t trip over them in the night, what more do I need?
  5. Taking pride in being overworked. So many women talk, blog and complain about how very, very many things they have to cram into their day. They don’t have a minute to themselves. They’re stretched in all directions. They have little or no help. They get only 4 hours of restless sleep every night. Why do they want to live like this? They sound fierce, yet miserable. You never hear a guy talking about all the stuff he has to do except when he says, “Ummm, nah..I can’t do that, I already have enough to do.” Men know how to say “no”. Why don’t women? Why do they cram every minute of their lives with stuff they have to do? Some people mock me for being impatient and in a hurry, but I’m only anxious to rush through the stuff I have to do so I can have more time to do nothing. I spend a lot of time doing nothing. I like it. Do other women like running around from morning ‘til night? If not, why don’t they stop? I really need to understand this.
  6. Fretting over their bodies. I could never see the point of doing strenuous, uncomfortable, exercisey things and/or not eating things you enjoy to try and shave pounds off. Or undergoing surgery to make things bigger, smaller or smoother. Who are you doing all this for? So you can look in the mirror and say, “Oh look, I now look plastic?” Or, “Oh look, I look like I’m about to gnaw off my own thigh because I’m hungry, my blood sugar is non-existent and I’m miserable?” Why not put all that energy into just being healthy? Find a way to enjoy good, real food and find a way to enjoy doing something that keeps you vertical for a good part of the day.
  7. Hormones. A lot of women are inordinately proud of their erratic hormones. They cite hormones as reasons for eating a pound of chocolate; for being extremely unpleasant and irrational; for not wanting to do stuff; and for killing their spouses. Men never get to say, “Whoa, my testosterone is way high today so hike your skirt up and bend over the kitchen table, woman or I’m gonna have to do the Starbucks barista on my way to work.” I’m probably doing a grave disservice to the sisterhood, but I think women are diminishing themselves as human beings by presenting themselves as slaves to their hormones. Don’t we still have brains and intestinal fortitude and other stuff with which we can keep our hormones under control?
  8. Weddings. Maybe I’m unnatural, but never in all the years I’ve walked this earth has it ever crossed my mind that I’d like to envelop myself in a thousand yards of white lace and spend a billion dollars on hair, make-up, food, drinks, photographs, wedding favours, cheesy bands, boutonnières, cars covered in paper flowers, candied almonds wrapped in mesh, a towering cake with plastic dolls on top and a Man of God trying to make me promise stuff. As a general, abstract concept I get the idea of partnering up with someone that you figure will generally enhance your life, but why the medieval hoopla? Women get positively rabid about getting “their special day just right.” Even women who ordinarily seem like rational human beings! I don’t care how carefully you try to explain it, I will never understand this. I’m sorry.

So? Now you know. I’m maybe not a bona fide woman. I have no answers for any of this, just a lot of questions. Does anyone out there have answers to any of these questions? Does anyone have any more questions? I know I do.