Things You Shouldn’t Do Naked

One of my neighbours popped by on Saturday to ask my advice on something – because I’m so wise…or maybe because I was the only one home. But anyway, she said I could blog about it even though she never reads blogs and maybe doesn’t really understand what a blog I, although I did my very best to explain it to her.

Saturday morning — let’s call her Molly, although that’s not her real name  — got up bright and early and sent her husband and youngest son off to the boy’s hockey practice or hockey game or whatever it is hockey kids do at 5:00 am on a Saturday. Since she was up and since her other son, a teenager, was dead to the world in his room, Molly decided to get some housework done and then enjoy a leisurely breakfast.

After Molly finished cleaning, she even whipped up a batch of her famous breakfast buns[1] before hopping in the shower. The day is off to a spectacular start! It’s not even 9:00 o’clock and she has most of her Saturday chores done already.

 And then it all goes horribly wrong.

Molly gets out of the shower and realizes that there are no towels in the bathroom since she’s put them all in the wash. There’s a linen cupboard in the hall outside the bathroom door with more towels, but Molly suddenly gets a bright idea. She decides it would really help her enjoy her decadent morning breakfast if she could wrap up in a hot towel out of the dryer and then put on some hot-out-of-the-dryer clothes.

So out of the bathroom she scurries and heads down to the basement to fetch her warm, cuddly togs.

Except she’s still wet from the shower.

And so slips halfway down to the basement and bounces on her ass the rest of the way down the stairs.

She’s completely winded and in shock and spread-eagle on the basement floor, buck naked, when her teenaged son pops his head around the basement door.

Was he awakened by the noise of her fall or the delightful aroma of Molly’s breakfast buns? Who knows? All she remembers is his rumpled, half-awake appearance and the horrified look in his eyes as if he’s found himself in the middle of his worst nightmare.

“Holy shit” was all he said.

Molly, being winded, could only respond with some belaboured grunts, “Uhnnn, uhnnn, uhnn.”

The boy, getting his priorities straight, grabbed a blanket off the sofa and went down to throw it on his mom before asking her if she was all right.

Molly is all right — physically. She has a bruised and very sore coccyx and one of her elbows hurts, but otherwise she’s okay.  Her son, however,  hasn’t been able to look her in the eye since that morning and scurries out of the room whenever she’s around. Molly reckons if only she hadn’t been in quite such a splayed posture it wouldn’t be so bad. He’s probably seen glimpses of her butt or boobs during the course of 16 years of everyday life, but he’s never seen his mom looking like a poorly-staged Hustler centerfold. She thinks their relationship will never be the same again.

(The breakfast buns, by the way, were saved in the nick of time.)

She doesn’t know if she should say anything. She doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to see her as a mom again. She doesn’t know what the hell he was doing up so early. And in the middle of this angstful monologue, Molly says, “Well, there’s another thing I can add to my list of things never to do when I’m naked.” At which point I stopped listening to her and started wondering if she actually has a list like that and what might be on it.

So I interrupt her moaning about her parental woes and asked her.

“Oh, you know, the usual,” she said, looking surprised at the question. “Frying bacon, bathing the cat, sliding down a banister. Then we laughed and started thinking of other things you shouldn’t do in the nude. And then we started making a list of careers you should avoid if you want to be naked all the time.

It’s interesting really how many jobs you could do without danger, legalities aside,  if you were naked. There are a few though that would probably create too many problems to be worth the unfettered freedom. For instance:

  • Hot dog vendor
  • Accordion player
  • Beekeeper
  • Welder
  • Firefighter
  • Lumberjack
  • Prison guard
  • Vet
  • Dentist 
  • Rodeo cowboy
  • Hockey player
  • Tap dancer on Sesame Street

[1] These things are amazing. They’re like cinnamon buns but denser made with lots of eggs and nuts and raisins and other stuff and no sugar – just a bit of a maple glaze on top. A half one of these is a complete breakfast.

28 responses to “Things You Shouldn’t Do Naked

  1. Tell your neighbour to tell her son, “Hey, I’m sorry you had to see where you came from, but the next time you get up crazy early, I’ll try not to fall down the stairs.”

    And add barbed-wire fence installer to your list.

  2. OMG, that is hilarious. I haven’t pulled off one of those stunts in a few years. I guess that means I’m overdue for one, so I better just keep my clothes on whatever activity I decide to do.

  3. I understand we’re not your average family, but it would never occur to my 16 yr old to be upset seeing me naked – he does all the time. Now when M is making breakfast in the nude he has been known to say “Eh, you might want to put some pants on there, PapaPan”.

    A friend just directed me to Alice, I think. Ummm…we’re her parents. I expect the derision is an inner monologue in my teen’s head.

    I would be seriously freaked by a naked dental hygenist. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s because I feel naked when a relative stranger has their fingers in my mouth.

    I want that recipe!

  4. Excellent post. Speaking of things not to do in the nude, just yesterday I saw some fat dude on youtube making ghee while half naked. He was boiling five pounds of butter, and pouring the boiling liquid from pot to pot.

  5. Linda – Indeed!

    Geewits – Ouch, yes barbed wire is tricky. I’m sure Molly and her son will get over it in due course.

    Skye – I figure it’s a good idea to keep some sort of wrap or clothing close at hand at all times, just in case there’s a fire or burglary or something.

    Nat – Like I said, I don’t think it’s the nudity per se that was most embarrassing – it was the position she was in.

    Mudmama – Your 16-year-old son and you are naked around the house together? Hmmm, yes that’s not typical for sure. Quite a few people think it’s weird that my 17-year-old daughter and I are naked around each other sometimes. I’ll see what I can do about the breakfast bun recipe, but they’re a lot like the breakfast buns at the Big Life Cafe or Big Life Foods stand at the Halifax Farmer’s Market..maybe not quite so heavy

    Zoom – Thanks. At least the ghee guy was only half naked. Should I ask which half was clothed?

    MM – Yes, roofer would be very hazardous in so many ways, as would anything involving a staple gun.

  6. “The problem with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.”

    It took me a while to remember where I’d seen this, but I finally figured it out. It’s from Harvey Krumpet, the 2004 Oscar winner for best animated short. Have a look.

  7. But what about a list of things you can easily do naked. Life guarding, truck driving, teaching, government workers, the list is way way longer than the dangerous jobs.

  8. Fool – So many naked activities fraught with dangers

    Ramble – You’re reclining in the chair. Your naked dentist is hovering over you. He says “say AAHHHHH”.

    Dave – I did mention that there are tons of things that are okay to do naked. I think the list is much, much longer than the things you can’t do naked.

    Jazz – And, it’ll teach that youngster and teenagers everywhere no to get up early on a weekend.

    Coyote – Just don’t be the one to tell them, that’s all.

    Mike – Yes, poor Molly. Good thing the boy didn’t have his cell phone handy or it would be all over You Tube by now.

  9. Ha! I feel bad neighbour! That is one painful and humiliating story. But hopefully in years to come her and her son will be able to laugh about it.

  10. For women: Hair washer in a salon — unless the customer is male.
    For men: Steve Irwin-style alligator wrangler. The words “wrangle” and “dangle” do not belong in the same sentence, ever.

    As for Molly’s son, I’ll bet he texted his little fingers off shortly after that. “Dude, you’ll NEVER guess what I just saw!” — or however that would look in txt.

    If I were to advise Molly, I would encourage her to confront the issue with Sonny Boy, get the embarrassment out of the way, and let the joking begin. I would also hope that the experience is not interpreted by Sonny Boy as carte blanche to do whatever he wants to do naked, anytime, anywhere in the house. There are some things a parent just does NOT want to see. Denial is great for peace of mind.

  11. I think she should try to catch her son’s eye and just bust out laughing, he will either do the same or ask for counseling, either way…it will be out there…sort to speak.

  12. Pauline – Aw, she’s gonna be fine. Probably they’re all laughing about it already. Maybe.

    Bob – Ya, I don’t want my hair washed by a naked man or woman, thanks. I should probably have also added waiter or waitress to the list. And for sure wrangle and dangle is not a good combo. In fact, anything to do with animals and nakedness is not going to turn out well, I think. (Do you really think teenage boys brag to their friends about having seen their mother’s hootchie?)

    Julie – You still have to take them off to shower.

    Cedar – I told her the entire family should just get naked and talk it all out whilst lounging around the family room. My cousins back in the old country are nudists as are their parents. So a fun outing in that family often consisted of the entire clan getting naked and heading for the beach or camping. It was tricky when the kids decided to get married and had to bring their fiancees on these outings

    Violetsky – No need to be urbane around here. Laughing is encouraged.

  13. Last winter, I did something remarkably similar – discovered that all my towels were in my dryer after I had already started showering, then fell down a long and steep flight of steps into my basement.

    Next time, I will use a t-shirt to at least dry my feet before making such an attempt. One benefit of living alone is that I suffered no real embarrassment over the debacle.

  14. I know I responded once, but I am going for two…she may have just found the secret formula for her teenager to buy into the whole abstinence thing…you see your mom splayed out on the floor like a turkey dropped at thanksgiving and really..where do you go from there?

  15. I’m not sure what is funnier – the poor woman taking the position or the comments.
    I never quite know what to expect when I drop in here. Wonderful!
    For the list – forester, log cutter, brush cutter.

  16. In japan they say Nudity of often seen but rarely noticed.
    However seeing my mom all splayed out naked at the bottom of a set of stairs WOULD traumatise me.
    Oh accordian players for some reason never get their nipples stuck in the squeeze box. I asked a professional accordion player.

  17. Milan – That’s hilarious. It’s like art imitating life imitating art or something.

    Cedar – Feel free to comment as often as the spirit moves you. Maybe they should show graphic naked photos of parents at every teen party.

    Mary – I’m like the weather. You wake up and who knows what will hit you in the face.

    Lebowski – I know the story put an imaginary picture of you and your mom in this situation and now you’re impotent for life. Sorry.

    Sean – Actually? Do keyboards still work with all this stuff people keep spitting all over them?