The Superhero in You

Call me an old fuddy-duddy, but when it comes to superheroes, I still like Superman best. His back-story makes sense. He looks like a regular guy and not like some sort of mutant. And, he has a pretty damn fine collection of superpowers: flying, x-ray vision, he’s indestructible, he can run really fast, he can reverse time, he can burn things up with his eyes, and he can freeze things with his breath.

Wonderwoman is good, too. Great back-story. And she is really strong and can fly and can talk to animals and make them do her bidding. that would be pretty cool.

 Captain Marvel can do a lot of stuff too,  but I don’t really get his back-story. (He was a 12-year-old kid, right? And he’s turn into Captain Marvel by putting on tights or something?)

Batman, on the other hand, is just a regular guy with a lot of cool gadgets. Spiderman is some poor kid who got bit by a spider and can now make big spider webs. Except for the really garish costume,  Flash only has being extra-super-fast at everything;

There are a whole bunch of superheroes who only have one superpower. Some can turn green and gigantic; some are indestructible; some have invisibility powers; some can teleport; some have ESP or telekinesis; some can shoot lasers with their eyes; some are very stretchy or can turn themselves into other things; some are even really, really smart.

Some superheroes are just stupid. Like Aquaman. His superpower is that he can hold his breath underwater for a long time. Are there a lot of underwater villains? That’s a pretty useless superpower. Other useless superpowers include:

  • Being able to see through glass
  • Being able to tell time
  • Being able to set oven mitts on fire
  • Being able to talk to appliances
  • Being able to laugh in the face of Danger, Keep Off signs
  • Being able to sit still without fidgeting
  • Being able to make your forearms bulge by eating spinach
  • Being able to run with scissors
  • Being able to clap-on and-clap off lamps

One good thing that a lot of superheroes have is the power to heal. If they get stabbed their wound disappears in an instant. If someone they know gets sick or injured, they touch them or squint at them with a piercing gaze and make them all better.

If I had to choose one superpower to have, I’d choose the power to heal (without having to go to medical school). I’d wear a sparkly white spandex body suit and a white cape and white patent leather knee-high boots and white latex gloves and and a white eyemask with silver sequins to hide my true identity. Also, I’d have one of those round reflector things on my forehead that old timey doctors used to have, except mine would be really hip and shiny.

I’d travel around healing people with the aid of my magical rectal thermometer. And I’d be called RXup. Or if that’s too hard to pronounce, maybe just “Incredible Doctor Woman”

Of course there would be some big drawbacks to that superpower. Could I heal everybody in the world? Should I? Would that mean no one would ever die? Do I charge people money for healing them or just the Americans?

I think a healing superpower would be a huge responsibility. I’m already feeling pretty stressed just thinking about it. Maybe I’d be better off being able to get animals to do my bidding. I’d get a lot more sleep, for sure.

You’re probably thinking superheroes only exist in comic books and that there’s no need for you to take any of this post seriously, right? Well, ha ha – not true. There are actual people — albeit a few of them with questionable mental faculties — who call themselves superheroes. They have a mission, a superhero name and even a costume. You can find them on the World Super-Hero Registry. Some of them have pretty good missions.

What kind of superhero would you be best suited for?

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32 responses to “The Superhero in You

  1. I’m pretty selfish. I’ve always said that if I could have one super power, I’d want the power of Impervious Teeth. I couldn’t really help anyone, unless I had to bite through something, but it would be so great to never again visit a dentist.

  2. I’m like Linda. I’d just want to be able to fly. Don’t care which superhero I’d be.

    But as long as we’re talking about Superman, Wonder Woman and Bat Man, check out this web site:

    http://www.superdickery.com.

    Hands down, it’s one of the funniest sites I’ve even seen. 🙂 (Especially if you’re a comic book fan).

  3. Geewits – Hmmmm…that WOULD be a most excellent superpower. Not much good for saving the world, true. But, still – never going to the dentist again. Hey! I think that’s called getting false teeth!! You could be Falseteeth Woman.

    Linda – Think of all the bugs you’d get stuck in your teeth, though. And what would all that zooming through the stratosphere do to your hair? And you’d definitely have to bring a change of clothes along. Speaking of which – where did Superman keep his Clark Kent suit when he was flying anyway? And how did his hair stay so smoothe and glossy?

    Loth – Bwah-ha-ha –Really Shouldn’t Wear Lycra Woman…horrifies villans to death with unsightly bulges (not that I’m saying you have unsightly bulges, because I’ve never seen you so I wouldn’t even know …although even if you did have bulges I’m sure they’re not unsightly and definitely wouldn’t kill anyone..even if you were wearing lycra…which no one ever really should anyway.)

    Friar – That’s a great site. I only read through a few things, but I bookmarked it for later. I’m not a huge comic book fan, but comic book mockery is always fun. I used to read comics when I was a kid, but I can’t get into all these crazy new superheros.

  4. At the moment I’d like the power to enjoy shopping.
    I could go to the mall and find great gifts that would be the envy of everyone else.
    And I could come home all satisfied about getting it over with.

  5. I already am a superhero. At work. I am called Blurb Girl — whenever there is a little bit of text, an explanation, some directions, whatever, that needs to be written for the website or an email to staff, I’n the one who ends up doing it. “This sounds like a job for Blurb Girl.” echoes through the meeting room and down the corridors.

    I spend a fair bit of time standing with my feet apart and my fists on my hips, wishing for a red cape. (That’s where my FB profile pic comes from, btw.)

    But I’d really like to be able to become invisible.

  6. This made me laugh out loud too. “Incredible doctor Woman”.
    Like even in fantasy world women could be doctors, so funny.
    Perhaps “Incredible Nurse”, you wouldn’t even have to add “Woman”.

  7. See, the problem with this whole post is that, in the real world, superheroes haven’t had the luxury of being able to choose their particular powers. They’ve had it thrust upon them and turned what might otherwise be a disability into a means of benefiting mankind.

    Those who have had the misfortune of having a particularly embarrassing superpower or one which isn’t really of much use really go unrecognized, like the ability to point out the obvious (POTOman), or incredibly loose bowels (DiarrheaMan), or the ability to Facebook poke Jamaicans (PokeMon), or the ability to produce babies like a clown car produces clowns (NadyaSulemanWoman).

  8. I’d like to become a hero for the environment and animal welfare. There are lots of them already who work tirelessly to protect our planet and animal friends.:)

  9. This registry is for real??? What a hoot. Mr. Ozone really needs to be told that if he’s into wearing tights and a body suit he really should bulk up, cause skinny dude in a body suit… not so much…

  10. Grace – Flying and invisibility seem like the most common choices – not just here, but in general. I don’t understand why you’d want to fly. I don’t even like flying in an airplane, I can’t imagine wanting to fly just me out there in my tights. Scary.

    Meanie – That would be kind of fun. Except, could you turn it off and on or would you just always be hearing other people’s thoughts 24/7? There are drawbacks to almost all superpowers, unfortunately.

    H&B2 – It’s called Online Shopping. Try the Etsy site. Or go to Amazon and get everyone books. You can never go wrong with books.

    Ellie – Hmm, I didn’t realize that the boobs came with the outfit. That’s definitely something to consider.

    Alison – Kewl! Blurb Girl. Sounds a little nerdy, but if the outfit is hot, why not?

    Justin – Feel free to defend Aquaman. If you can. Mwah-ha-ha

    Bandobras – You really need to get out more. There’s already a lady doctor in real life working in a hospital right here in Canada. So there. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

    Fool – I think we’re all plagued with superpowers of one sort or another and can identify with what you’re saying. The one about the oven mitts, I mentioned above? That’s mine. I don’t like to brag about it, because it’s a pretty useless superpower.

    Hannah – Did you look at the World Superhero Registry? There are already some superheros fighting those good fights. Maybe you could team up and become one of those superhero teams.

    Jazz – As far as I know it’s very real. And ya, the outfits leave something to be desired for a lot of them. But then, for a real superhero, it’s not really about the outfit, now is it?

  11. How about “Squirrel-Man” ?

    At the first sign of danger, he’d run up a tree, and sit there, scoling the villians, going “Ttttt-ttttt-tttttt”.

  12. I’m a 6000-year-old, semimythical talking doggy, ma’am. The super thing isn’t that I do it well, but that I can still do it at all

  13. Aquaman is cool. he can breathe underwater, talk to fish and sea mammals, and is very very strong as long as he hasn’t been out of the water for too long.

    He spends his time either fighting crime in Atlantis or dealing with environmental disasters brought on by evil multinationals.

    But hand’s down my favorite superhero is Green Lantern and I can’t for the life of me figure out why they haven’t made a movie yet.

  14. Friar – Is he also able to gnaw through anything and hide stuff in his cheeks?

    LGS – Hey, you’re right about humour being the best medicine. So, if I manage to make someone smile or even chuckle, I’ve given them a smidgen of good health! Yay! I think if you’re the Long Grey Defender you can defend anyone you want. I don’t think superheroes discriminate.

    Geewits – Okay then. I’d feel better about this choice if it somehow helped save the world. Maybe somehow, everyone who comes in contact with your impervious teeth will also get impervious teeth? Or at least a free, instant dental cleaning, maybe.

    Fool – WhiteMan?? I’m a little afraid to ask, but what does he do?

    Coyote – I didn’t realize you were so old. I thought the grizzling was just a natural part of the coyote omnitude. So, whoa dude…props!!

    Grouchy – Uh oh. I’ll have to enlist your scavenging skills to help me pull this together. Okay?

    Sean – Where have you been? (Oh ya…Korea…) There’s a Green Lantern movie coming out in 2011 starring Ryan Reynolds. June 17 is the current release date. Will you be in Ottawa by then? We should totally have an opening night party!

  15. XUP

    I’ll probably be coming to Ottawa first week of July – haven’t set anything in stone yet, but I’m teaching until the third week of June so can’t make it before then.

    Thanks for the great news am totally looking forward to that.

  16. You have already revealed my superpower. I am able to sit still, without fidgeting for long enough periods that I become invisible.

    Although I am really good at talking to appliances.

    I have a backup avocation of finding things that men claim are not where they are. It’s probably because I have become invisible and hence can see the invisible gallon pickle jar behind the 4oz mustard jar.

  17. I want to have ability to MAKE PEOPLE DO WHAT I WANT. So this world be more PEACE, CLEAN, HEALTHY. I can tell people to STOP SMOKING, stop make war, etc.

  18. Sean – By then it ought to be on DVD. Then you can have the DVD party!!

    Savanvleck – I think every woman has the power to find things men and childrens swear isn’t there.

    Superyoss – Okay then. That would be a good superpower. Don’t yell!

  19. this is a cute and funny post, and i like how superman fits your bill b/c his story is more believable. and, i have to agree with you based on that alone.

    my favorite superhero was pippie longstalking, even though she wasn’t considered a real “super hero”.