It Must be Great to be a Guy?

Since the other day I talked about how wonderful it is to be a girl, I thought that today I would talk about how great it is to be a guy.

Right away I encountered a big stumbling block since I’m not a guy. So I had two choices: a) either ask a bunch of guys what’s so great about being a guy; or b) just imagine what might be great about being a guy.

The first option seemed like a lot of work to me, so here’s what I think maybe makes guys happy to be guys:

  1.  Guys get to pee standing up. This has to be the #1 advantage from a girls’ perspective. Of course girls now have products to help them do this as well. And, while I’ve never tried them myself, I’m thinking it’s not quite the same thing.
  2. Guys’ haircuts are cheaper. I don’t understand this. Even in the same salon, a guy will pay half the price or less for his hair cut which might be just as complicated (or even more so) than his female counterpart. AND, women have hair forever, while after 30 or so guys lose all their hair and never have to pay for a haircut again.
  3. Guys always think they’re attractive. A guy can be old, overweight, have no hair and be wearing sweats and an old baggy t-shirt and flip-flops with his gnarled yellow toe-nails curling over the edges of both the flip and the flop; and  he still feels perfectly confident in his ability to pick up a hot 20-year-old chick. And, if the chick turns him down or gives him a dirty look, it’s because the chick is obviously a lesbian. No self-image problems for guys.
  4. Guys never have to wear panty-hose, bras or make-up and they don’t have to wax their genitals — unless they really want to. All this has practically become mandatory for girls. And whose fault is that? Stupid girls!
  5. Guys’ friendships are far, far less complicated. Guys have friends like kids have friends. They see someone around their age in the same place they’re at and say, “Hey, wanna play?” And BAM they’re friends. When it’s time to go, they just leave and then maybe get together some other time to do something they both like doing.  They can argue about sports. They can be at each others’ throats at work. They can be after the same woman, show up somewhere in the same sort of clothes, say outrageously rude and insensitive things to each other – and still go play golf together. Male friendships are one of the great mysteries of the universe.
  6. Guys’ sexual relationships would be equally uncomplicated if it weren’t for women. Guys don’t actually need to know the name of their partner to enjoy themselves. They probably don’t have difficulty focussing on the act because they’re worried about whether or not their partner will want to see them again; likes children; believes in large weddings.
  7. Guys are held in the highest esteem if they can cook even the most basic thing; have done laundry at least once in their life; know how the vacuum cleaner works; have done dishes more than once a year; or volunteer to “babysit” their own kids. Girls really have to stop gushing over stuff like this. Really.
  8. Guys get to canoodle with soft, curvy, cuddly, sweet-smelling girls instead of hairy, scratchy, stinky guys. (If they’re so inclined, of course).
  9. Guys can hop out of bed and be ready and on their way to work in 10 minutes – 5 if they don’t shave. They can have a shower in 2 minutes (unless they take an extra minute or two to enjoy some extra-vigorous lathering)  Then, they dry off, throw on a pair of trousers, a shirt, choose between their black shoes or their brown shoes and they’re done.
  10. The 10th thing isn’t really an advantage as far as I know – more of a puzzle. There was recently a brief discussion on Mayopie’s blog about this, but they didn’t come close to a satisfactory conclusion. So, I still want to know — Why does it take guys so long to poop? They go in there with their magazines, books, newspapers, snacks, or whatever and emerge half an hour later. Is their intestinal tract that much longer? Do they not process fibre efficiently? What? Women are in and out of there in a couple of minutes – and that includes unfastening, refastening and readjusting all their various items of clothing.

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HAPPY THANKSGIVING

ALL Y’ALL AMERICAN BLOGGER FRIENDS!

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26 responses to “It Must be Great to be a Guy?

  1. The worst thing about being a guy is having parents that did not “raise” you. They are the parents that said, “Boys will be boys!” Those poor guys grew up having a helluva time with relationships and didn’t know why. Uhm…because your parents did not teach you stuff. Because you were a boy. It still creeps me out to hear people in the 21st century say, “I hope it’s boy because they are easier to raise.” No they’re not. They’re harder to raise, but few people want to make the effort. When people finally understand this very basic concept, all of humanity will prosper. (That last line really cracked me up, but I really stand behind the basic concept.)

  2. re: #10

    When I sit down it’s never for more than about 7 seconds. Gotta get out of there as fast as possible as I don’t want to smell it any more than the next person.

    Re: #7

    I enjoy cooking (not for myself but when others are there) and consider myself an excellent cook based on reviews of my wife, my friends and others I’ve cooked for over the years. The only thing I don’t like about cooking is cleaning up afterwards.

    Re: #1 yeah for peeing standing up and only having to undo the zipper on ones pants. – nothing like writing your name in the snow with pee!

  3. Actually, you almost pretty much got everything right. I’m impressed. You have a pretty good insight to the opposite sex.

    A few comments/clarifications, though.

    1. We can also pee our names in the snow. Not that this an essential life-skill, but it’s an added bonus to our anatomy that provides much amusement.

    2. Agreed. Though there is nothing preventing you ladies from going to a barber shop and asking for a $15 hair cut. Are you willing to risk it?

    3. I dunno. Guys can be pretty insecure, too. Nerds, for example, are a whole category too terrified to ask anyone out.

    4,5, 6, 9. Totally agree.

    8. Though I suppose women can canoodle with a soft, squishy sweet-smelling effeminate man. They do exist. Is that what you ladies WANT, though?

    7. Lots of us guys live alone. We cook + clean and our own laundry. Nobody praises us or gives a shit.

    I would add:

    11. Work relationships are also easier. If two male co-workders are pissed at each other, they’ll come right and tell each other to “Fuck off!”. And 30 minutes later, they’re cool. Unlike women, who will still be fuming about it 2 weeks later.

    12. When guys visit each other, they’re not expected to “bring something” that they’ve baked from scratch. A bag of Zesty-Mordant Doritos is sufficient.

    13. If a woman is overweight, she’s “fat”. Guys who are overweight can get away with it by being a “big cuddly teddy bear”.

    14. Aside from maybe their Mom or girlfriend, guys don’t give a shit if people forget their birthdays. They don’t expect their friends to remember, because they don’t, either.

    15. You forgot the biological clock thing. We can put off having kids indefinitely. And if and when we decide we want them, we can (theoretically) find a much younger wife to make babies with. Women don’t’ have such an option, unless they want to adopt.

  4. One thing that I’ve always been jealous of was that guys could take their shirts off when it’s hot in the summer. I’m sick of being asked to leave water parks or seek out nude beaches that are only teeming with weirdos. The absence of this taboo (topless girls) is one of the things I love the most about Europe. That and the whole hairy armpit thing.

  5. And, guys can be abominable, plain stupid, unsightly or anything else and can still get hitched. This is because nature is in the process of getting rid of them and the quality has really deteriorated. so, women have to take what they get before men get completely endangered or all women take up
    the wiser option of pairing with women.

    if all the potatoes in the market r bad, u cant ask for better quality, right?

  6. it drives me crazy when my inlaws praise jesus-you’re-so-lucky-meanie to have my husband because he lifts his fingers to do the dishes. sure i’m lucky but he’s also lucky that i make lunches, dinner, help with homework, orchestrate bath-time/bedtime, lay out clothes the night before (i don’t think i need to go on). they act like it’s not his job or something to pitch in and help out. honestly, it really drives me bananas.

  7. Geewits – So right. There is so much more expected of girls. Boys are left to run wild for the most part. They don’t have the same curfews, they don’t get the same discipline as girls, they don’t have to do housework (at least my brothers never did), they’re not expected to do as well in school for some reason, they get away with all sorts of “mischief” (which is called delinquency when it’s a girl).

    Sean – Are you sure you’re not a girl, Sean? You can poop fast AND cook?

    LGS – Ha ha

    Friar – We could probably add another 20 to the list if we wanted to — the whole thing about being able to walk around after dark without too much anxiety; not having to squeeze human beings out of your body; etc. etc. But the thing about being able to have kids forever? I’m not sure that’s an advantage or even necessarily true. I think they’ve discovered that sperm degenerates over the decades, too… and then there’s the whole issue of actually being able to get the sperm to a place where it can divide and multiply — that also deteriorates over the years.

    Christine – Where do you live? In Ontario it’s legal for girls to take their shirts off when it’s hot. I’m not crazy about either sex going topless to the mall or downtown or church or places like that — but your own yard or the beach? Why not?

    Ramblereed – Ya think? That would imply that women are so desperate for a husband that they’ll take anything. I think you’ll find that’s not necessarily true. If the “abominable, plain stupid, unsightly guys” are getting hitched, they’re doing it with “abominable, plain stupid and unsightly girls”.

    Meanie – I know, isn’t that nuts? I love it when a woman comes to work and is all excited because her husband vacuumed the living room the night before. Or when guys call it “babysitting” when they have to spend time alone with their kids. And how many of them are proud as punch that they can cook?

  8. @XUP

    Well, there are countless examples of men in their 70’s (or older) having kids. Ed McMahon, for example.

    Which I personally think is a bit irresponsible…But that’s a whole seperate subject.

  9. You forgot to mention all the horrible physical pain and hormonal changes that men don’t have to endure-ie. Periods, pregnancy, giving birth, menopause oh and they don’t have to see a gyno and endure that torture!

    I think its more the porn industry that has to do with the pressure of genital waxing. And the porn industry is, yep you guessed it, run by MEN!

  10. @hannah

    We DO have the dreaded prostrate exam, though.

    But I agree, you ladies experience more invasive examination procedures than we do.

  11. I can pee standing up not dribble down my legs. One takes one’s talents where one can. Course if I wanted to do so I’d have to wear a skirt all the time and go commando.

  12. You have missed the greatest advantage of all. For most but certainly not all guys, the objects of our affection are women, and for some strange reason the affection is often reciprocated.

  13. You spent way too much time compiling your list. You could have stopped after #1.
    All the rest goes back to being able to pee standing up, and the side benefit of that: writing our names in the snow.

  14. good job xup! did you consult men on this one or think it up yourself?

    you forgot to list dry cleaning. men pay less than women do, a mans button down is called a shirt and a womand button down is called a blouse but costs twice if not three times as much to clean.

    no tan lines on top. men can go topless at the beach or by the pool, if a woman did that it would draw alot of attention!

  15. Julie – Really? Not me. No thanks. Besides, I think “woman” is the highest incarnation you can achieve before nirvana.

    Friar – Who the hell wants to have kids in theri 70s? Or even 50s? I can’t even imagine wanting to have a new baby in your 40s — unless it’s a grandbaby.

    Hannah – We still don’t have to blindly follow the porn industry, you know. As for the hormonal stuff – men have anal probing. That’s got to even the playing field a bit, dontcha think?

    Alison -Har har

    Friar – Like I said to Hannah. Women’s whole life is about invasion.

    Jazz – Okay, that’s absolutely at the top of my list of things I didn’t need or want to know about you. Now I have this picture in my head of how this could possibly be and I’ll never get rid of it. NEVER!

    Bandobras – I think that was #8 wasn’t it? Or didn’t you read all the way through?

    Bob – Ya, that’s right up there with ya’ll highest achievement all right.

    Betsy – In Ontario women can go topless, too. And I don’t do drycleaning so I don’t care about it. And, yes I thought these up all on my own. Trying to worm this information out of men would have been too exhausting.

  16. No I read the whole thing. The important part is the reciprocation.
    Cannoodling can always be achieved with the correct application of sufficient cash.

  17. XUP-“men have anal probing. That’s got to even the playing field a bit, dontcha think?”

    Um no. That is ONE thing vs the whole myriad of things that women experience. And no we don’t have to blindly follow the porn industry (LOL) but many men are brainwashed from watching too much of it and then pressure their girlfriends to endure the pain of waxing.

    But then again, I guess it could be argued that no one is forcing women to stay with guys who put that much emphasis on body hair.

  18. And let’s not forget the greater upper body strength. To be able to hoist a large, heavy object onto their shoulder, then carry heavy object to the desired destination… I bow in admiration.

  19. You are right, men have easy relationships. I have never heard, not even two gay guys, say they needed to process their relationship. Of course maybe if men did process relationships more they wouldn’t go around BLOWING UP OTHER COUNTRIES..wait…when was the last time Canada invaded another country?

  20. Biggest downer – the menfolk seem unable to fall into a giggling fit over nothing and are puzzled about why we do. On the other hand, he is sure handy when it comes to lugging stove wood around.
    Love, love! this post and the thread.

  21. Bandobras – I think you have to pay extra for canoodling. Your $20 only gets you so much.

    Hannah – It’s true. I’m often gobsmacked and a little ashamed to see what women put up with for their man.

    Loth – I’m hoping your shock and awe means this is a North American phenomena. I don’t think any woman under the age of 30 on this continent has pubic hair anymore.

    Violetsky – Ya, that’s pretty cool. Also pretty scary when you think that they can overpower you without even trying.

    Cedar – I don’t think we’ve ever invaded anyone. We’ve been involved in a few scuffles against our will…If gay guys have easy, breezy relationships because they’re men, then I shudder to think how intense lesbian relationships can get.

    Mary – Thanks Mary. My brother and I used to be able to make each other laugh into long pants-wetting giggling fits. Sigh… then he went psycho.

  22. As soon as Irins head tucked into the curve of her neck, tears broke out. Everyone they passed watched carefully, knowing that something of great importance occurred this very moment. His hands at her waist steadied her as he obediently scooted forward in the chair. Radins mental warning didnt help. Only then did she become aware of the attention of the others in the balcony. He came up beside her, extinguishing the magelight. She rubbed her belly. Appalled, Eyrhaens mouth fell open. Nialdlye wore a simple green shift that barely reached her thighs. Id like it if we could start again. What more do you want me to say? Radin dissolved the spell before it could take form. She froze, lost in the icy heat of his gaze. She writhed, prodding the tip of him with her drenched folds. I love you, she murmured, needing to share the warmth in her heart. She gasped, stiffening when Brevin lost patience and thrust hard from underneath. Polite isnt a description Ive often heard for you. We enjoyed each other, but the whole aim was to see how Eyrhaen would react. His chuckle burst a bubble of dread in her chest. The sweet talk is no longer necessary, she murmured.