Since the other day I talked about how wonderful it is to be a girl, I thought that today I would talk about how great it is to be a guy.
Right away I encountered a big stumbling block since I’m not a guy. So I had two choices: a) either ask a bunch of guys what’s so great about being a guy; or b) just imagine what might be great about being a guy.
The first option seemed like a lot of work to me, so here’s what I think maybe makes guys happy to be guys:
- Guys get to pee standing up. This has to be the #1 advantage from a girls’ perspective. Of course girls now have products to help them do this as well. And, while I’ve never tried them myself, I’m thinking it’s not quite the same thing.
- Guys’ haircuts are cheaper. I don’t understand this. Even in the same salon, a guy will pay half the price or less for his hair cut which might be just as complicated (or even more so) than his female counterpart. AND, women have hair forever, while after 30 or so guys lose all their hair and never have to pay for a haircut again.
- Guys always think they’re attractive. A guy can be old, overweight, have no hair and be wearing sweats and an old baggy t-shirt and flip-flops with his gnarled yellow toe-nails curling over the edges of both the flip and the flop; and he still feels perfectly confident in his ability to pick up a hot 20-year-old chick. And, if the chick turns him down or gives him a dirty look, it’s because the chick is obviously a lesbian. No self-image problems for guys.
- Guys never have to wear panty-hose, bras or make-up and they don’t have to wax their genitals — unless they really want to. All this has practically become mandatory for girls. And whose fault is that? Stupid girls!
- Guys’ friendships are far, far less complicated. Guys have friends like kids have friends. They see someone around their age in the same place they’re at and say, “Hey, wanna play?” And BAM they’re friends. When it’s time to go, they just leave and then maybe get together some other time to do something they both like doing. They can argue about sports. They can be at each others’ throats at work. They can be after the same woman, show up somewhere in the same sort of clothes, say outrageously rude and insensitive things to each other – and still go play golf together. Male friendships are one of the great mysteries of the universe.
- Guys’ sexual relationships would be equally uncomplicated if it weren’t for women. Guys don’t actually need to know the name of their partner to enjoy themselves. They probably don’t have difficulty focussing on the act because they’re worried about whether or not their partner will want to see them again; likes children; believes in large weddings.
- Guys are held in the highest esteem if they can cook even the most basic thing; have done laundry at least once in their life; know how the vacuum cleaner works; have done dishes more than once a year; or volunteer to “babysit” their own kids. Girls really have to stop gushing over stuff like this. Really.
- Guys get to canoodle with soft, curvy, cuddly, sweet-smelling girls instead of hairy, scratchy, stinky guys. (If they’re so inclined, of course).
- Guys can hop out of bed and be ready and on their way to work in 10 minutes – 5 if they don’t shave. They can have a shower in 2 minutes (unless they take an extra minute or two to enjoy some extra-vigorous lathering) Then, they dry off, throw on a pair of trousers, a shirt, choose between their black shoes or their brown shoes and they’re done.
- The 10th thing isn’t really an advantage as far as I know – more of a puzzle. There was recently a brief discussion on Mayopie’s blog about this, but they didn’t come close to a satisfactory conclusion. So, I still want to know — Why does it take guys so long to poop? They go in there with their magazines, books, newspapers, snacks, or whatever and emerge half an hour later. Is their intestinal tract that much longer? Do they not process fibre efficiently? What? Women are in and out of there in a couple of minutes – and that includes unfastening, refastening and readjusting all their various items of clothing.