8 Ways I’m Inept

A lot of bloggers do regular posts on all the fabulous things they’re crafting or building or photographing or sewing or knitting or creating.  You may have noticed that I never do posts like this. I never do posts like this because I’m not good at any of this stuff. For instance, here’s a short list of stuff that a lot of people love to do and are good at, that I can’t do:

  1. Anything that involves yarn or thread makes my insides want to run screaming from my skin. The thought of sitting somewhere for hours whilst picking away at some tiny knot or loop or whatever in hopes that it will all turn into something someone might want to wear one day is way beyond my scope of comprehension. I did Home Ec in school and it took me 4 years to finish a skirt, which I think they submitted to the Guinness Book of World Records in the “most unrecognizable item of clothing ever” category. 
  2. Anything that involves paint, glue, beads, podge, “findings,” string, tissue paper, wire or other bits that need to be fastened together somehow in order to create something crafty or artsy that hangs from your Christmas tree or on your front door or needs to be displayed on your mantle, is also beyond me. I used to work with someone who spent all of her free time crafting and scrapbooking and woodburning and tole-painting and a whole lot of other stuff designed to create festive gifts for any occasion. And then she’d give them to us. As gifts! I worked there for NINE YEARS! I had enough felt Santas, crocheted wreaths, and beaded candy canes to decorate the entire Black Forest.
  3. Anything that involves home repairs or refinishing of wood or nailing something into something else or assembling something from a box of fiber-board with an Allen key, I stay well away from. Nothing good could ever come from anything that involves me picking up a tool. I promise you.
  4. Anything that involves home decorating. I already went into some detail on that yesterday. I have been roped, at times in the past,  into helping to paint other people’s homes in the past, but never twice by the same person and never by anyone who knew anyone whose place I had helped paint. Once I even tried wallpapering. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. HA!
  5. Anything involving a camera. Oh, I like the idea of capturing things I see on film, but the things I capture on film are never the things I see. I don’t carry a camera around like a lot of bloggers, which is probably at least half the problem. And when I do remember to bring one along, I forget that I have it. And when I don’t forget, I never seem to see anything worth taking photos of.  I’ve mentioned a few times that what I need are a pair of camera-sunglasses because I really think with those things I stand half a chance of taking photos of things I actually want to take photos of. I could be wrong. 
  6. Anything that involves driving. I’m a terrible driver. I went from not knowing how to drive on a Monday afternoon to having my full license by the Thursday morning of that same week. It was just sheer dumb luck that I never killed myself or anyone else. As soon as I was old enough to realize what a bad driver I was, I stopped driving.
  7. Anything that involves baking. I can cook. Cooking is easy – you just toss together a lot of stuff that tastes good together and presto! With baking you have to follow the recipe exactly or it doesn’t turn out the way it’s supposed to. Instead of cookies, you end up with “Memories of Plywood Sheet Cake,” for instance.
  8. And finally, anything that involves maths. Or those spatial abilities tests – it actually scares me that I am completely unable to do even the simplest one of these. I seriously believe I’m missing the chunk of brain that allows people to figure these things out. Seriously! Items #1 through #7, I could probably hobble something together if I had a little more patience and a really good reason for doing it, but these spatial relationship tests I cannot do. At all. Under any circumstances.




32 responses to “8 Ways I’m Inept

  1. You are so good at writing though! At Christmas you could pass out blog entries to all your peeps! (hodge podged on ornaments? i’m just saying….)

    Okay, I am so bad at math that I actually have anxiety thinking about how I will be able to help the girls with math homework down the road. In grade 11, I was given an A for effort and D for achievement (it should have been an E, she was being kind)…how sad is that.

  2. I remember the pain of attending compulsory stitching classes. couldn’t make head or tail of running stiching or knotted whatever. Why would stitching want to run?Thankfully had a Mom who said to ignore bad grades in stitching cause, “it is not important”.

    And, yes-you do can write like a cross between PG Woodeshouse and Mark Twain.Why would you want to know knitting?

  3. It’s good to know both your strengths and weaknesses. You made me laugh out loud sitting here, with your last line. Yes, both (a) objects are the same and both (b) objects are the same. You can relax now.

  4. Wow! I can do things you can’t !!! If ever you need to build Ikea furniture or strip and refinish a dresser, let me know.

    And though I loathe math with a vengeance bordering on the psychotic, I’d say, in response to the spatial thingy: yep, they’re the same.

  5. I’m glad I’m not the only one who sucks at sewing. It requires WAY too much patience! Do you ever watch “Project Runway?” There are times where the designers after spending hours and hours doing inane, painstaking little tasks on a piece of garment, have their sewing machines break down and I swear if that was me, I would scream bloody murder and throw it across the room. LOL

  6. Meanie – Well, I never said I sucked at everything. There ARE a few things I can do, so I try to focus on them.

    Rambling – Wow. Thank you. PG Wodehouse and Mark Twain eh? That’s a lot to live up to. I may be paralyzed by external expectation from now on and never write again.

    Julia – I can’t relax as long as those things keep appearing on my monitor. Every time I see them I feel panicky.

    J – If you can cook, you don’t really need to be able to do anything else, do you?

    Jazz – Lots of people can do things that I can’t. And I’ll be sure to call you next time I need furniture built or stripped down, but I can pretty much guarantee that’s never going to happen since I don’t buy things that aren’t already assembled and I don’t care if my furniture needs restripping.

    Hannah – Yes, impatience is my downfall in many areas. But it also helps in many other areas, so I guess it’s a trade-off. And no, I’ve never seen Project Runway. This is a TV show about people sewing?? I can’t imagine wanting to watch that.

    Dr. Monkey – See, and you’re a whiz at cooking, too. I think it takes a whole other mindset to be a good baker. No getting creative with the recipe, no substitutions.

  7. I never got into the sewing or krafting stuff. After all I’m a manly man. But as for all the rest I am amazingly ept, so if you need some help I’d be happy to offer it.
    By the way math is just a crazy exercise created by nerds to allow us to feel superior to real people. Beyond simple adding and subtracting there is actually no need for any math. Remember everything a computer does consists merely of zero or one repeated endlessly. How hard can that be.

  8. But for all that, we flock to your blog because we think you’re amazing. Clearly, your lack of talent in these areas is amply rewarded elsewhere.

  9. I used to try to be the crafty girl. I took a class in quilt-making. I can’t sew. I tried to learn how to knit. I drop stitches like crazy. I tried to learn how to crochet. Forget. I’ve tried mosaic tiling, scrapbooking and a whole host of other things. It’s not in my genes or something.

  10. Don’t worry, XUP, ma’am. I’m certain you’re ept at something…

    BTW, in both cases, the figures are the same. Just tilted some. We coyotes are all about spatial relationships.

  11. I’m so with you on the baking. I tried to make biscuits once and they were inedible and I believe they weighed 4 pounds apiece. And I don’t think I could knit or crochet if my life depended it on it. Carole will show me pieces she is working on and then she makes the mistake of trying to explain her stitches, I always tell her to stop and that she may as well be speaking Greek. I can do one simple macrame knot string for about 4 inches and then my brain turns inside out. As for photography, you should take your camera out for a walk someday and take about 10 practice shots of random things. It’s one of those things you just have to start doing to get better – like riding a bike. Look at photography as a different form of storytelling, which you are very good at, and I believe you’d really like it.

  12. I read your blog because you don’t write about crafting, building, sewing, knitting, creating. These blogs are interesting, but they ultimately make me feel inadequate. And I failed grade nine math twice. Possibly because I had the same teacher, who kept saying, “you should know this, you took it all last year”.

  13. I used to suck as a baker until a grandkid turned out to have a nut allergy. Now I make birthday cakes with pink roses, etc. Needs must.
    They’re the same. I loved maths. I also, hate to admit it, love handicrafts but somehow a lot of them never get finished. I guess I am too busy reading scintillating posts by XUP and writing silly comments.
    You write amazing prose, but what really blows me away is all the brain power behind it.

  14. What in the name of the wee man is “podge”? Is this something else I have never heard of and yet am sure to fail at?

    I become more certain with each post that we are related in some way. I onle ever made one thing at school in sewing class: a skirt. Or rather, I cut out two fronts instead of a front and a back and my teacher sighed heavily and told me not to bother. As I indicated yesterday, I have lived here 10 years and have never decorated (my son did, but that was with a couple of biros in the hall when he was two). I spent Saturday and Sunday of last weekend sewing name tapes into Second Born’s clothes for camp and I still have the headache today.

    However I can bake and I can drive. So one day I will be able to drive to see you and I’ll bring cookies!

  15. Bandobras – Well, since you’re a manly man I wouldn’t expect you to do girly things like knit. Does that mean you are skilled at doing all the manly things like building cars, hewing logs and skinning deer?

    Susan – Well, shucks Susan. Thanks.

    Cedar – OK. I’ll take your (and anybody else’s) word for it. Really, is there any reason I have to know how to do this except for those IQ tests?

    Mo – I must say I admire the fact that you gave it all a shot anyway. I always give up right away if I can’t do something very well. I’m always awed by people with the fortitude to stick with something they’ll never be much good at just because they enjoy it.

    Coyote – Ya, I’ll find my inner core of eptness some day. And I guess it’s important that there are people in the world who excel at spatial relationships or we’d all be living in poorly and inadequately dug holes in the ground.

    Milan – That was NOT a happy surprise.

    Geewits – That’s sort of the theory I have on photography, too. I love looking at other people’s photos. I even took a course once and learned how to develop my own photos and what f-stops were and how to take apart and dust my lens. We even took some pictures. I’ll give your assignment a try.

    Violetsky – YES! People read my blog for all the stuff that’s NOT there. I knew it was something odd like that.

    Mary – I wish it were that easy Mary. My kid has all sorts of digestive issues and lord knows I’ve tried to make her enticing birthday cakes without all the usual ingredients. I have a video of a flock of poor youngsters attempting to eat one of these cakes. It would make you weep, it really would. And thanks for the lovely compliment on my brain. See, there is absolutely nothing silly about your comments. They are always quite interesting even when they’re not singing my praises.

    Loth – I think Podge is some sort of all-in-one decoupage glue thing. I’ve lived quite happily without it for decades and you can, too. So stop worrying. I am totally holding you to that cookie delivery thing. Next time you’re in Canada. Alison and Mary and I will feed you delightfully expensive things and ply you with alcohol and laugh at and mimic your accent – in a friendly way, of course.

  16. Spatial relationships = 100%

    Typing = ummm 0%

    My apologies for that keyboarding malfunction. Certain fumbly-pawed coyotes oughtta get pedicures or something. And certain domain trolls oughtta get stuffed. Or something.

  17. okay, next post: what you are spectacularly good at (that you know of). you might have to ask around; some things that i’m good at i’m not aware of because i don’t put thought into them or effort, while others stop the train. the other day we were moving a desk out of a room and the door needed to come off the hinges. my friend was prepared to stop at that point, because she didn’t feel qualified, where i was all, really? give me a screwdriver and a mallet.

    sometimes you don’t realize how good you are at something until you’re around someone who lacks what comes easy to you.

  18. Coyote – You know the old saying, “when you hang out with dwarfs, you’ll wake up with trolls”

    Milan – The url looked fine to me, I don’t know how they did that, but then I’m also not very ept at cyber stalking techniques.

    Nat – Thanks ma’am..likewise I’m sure.

    Hallie – Ya, that would be a pretty nauseating post, don’t you think? Where I brag about all the stuff I’m really good at? It might also be the shortest post ever.

    Cedar – Glad we cleared that up.

  19. Coyote – Ah yes, I see it now. I need to wear my reading glasses more often.

    Sheryl – Well, thanks. I can also cook and I can run a long time and I’m very organized (to the point of obsession), and I can read really fast and I can cut hair and I’m pretty good at gardening and snow shovelling and other outdoor type things and I can mimic pretty well and….. well, that’s enough for now

  20. i would have gathered you’d be good with cooking, i think most of your list has to do with patience and commitment. i’m not big on knitting or sewing either.

    i became a person who loves taking pictures after i started blogging. i would forget the camera too but made an effort. i’ve found that i have to take a bunch of picture of the same thing b/c i do not get them on the first try.