Single, White, Middle-Aged Male

Is there any group of creatures on this, or any other planet, more hard done by than the single, white, middle-aged male?

The poor guy was raised to believe he’s special and privileged and advantaged; that the world is his oyster; that not even the sky is his limit; that he could be and do anything! And what happened? Well, he got royally reamed,  didn’t he? Didn’t he? Just ask one, he’ll tell you. 

He’ll tell you that he is from the era when,  just as he was ready to take the world stage by storm all the rules changed.

Starting with Women: There he was, about to plunge headlong into the dizzying pleasure-orgy of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll when it all disappeared. Turns out sex and drugs could kill you and rock ‘n’ roll gave way to Billy Idol.  Make-love-not-war women snapped their bras back on and demanded a “commitment” before even giving him the time of day.

Less befuddled men got right on board with the new program and grabbed a wife, bought homes in the suburbs and began reproducing. The slower,  more befuddled men suddenly found themselves sliding haplessly, involuntarily and irrecoverabley  into middle-age —  alone.  And here they are. Now they look around and their “realistic” choices are limited to men or middle-aged women who, of course,  are not appealing because they don’t look 25.  Also, they’re too demanding. They expect men to be perfect and talk about “feelings”. They expect men to know (and DO!) stuff like cooking and laundry. And let’s not even get into how judgmental they are about you-know-what.  And,  middle-aged women all have kids — every last one of them. They can’t seem to help themselves. Who wants to be saddled looking after and paying for someone else’s kids, right?

Then there’s the workforce. Being a single, white middle-aged man wouldn’t be so bad if one had an exciting, dynamic career to absorb one’s attention,  like everyone else does. But no, here again our boy has been shafted. Some weisenheimer decided that white males had dominated the workforce long enough and came up with Employment Equity and Diversity – the bane of the white man’s existence. Now he can only get a job if there are no women, visible minorities, people with physical or mental disabilities or married/gay white guys applying. (No one knows exactly how or why married white guys got on this list, but every single, white guy knows they’re there). Never mind that the single white guy is 10 times smarter and more skilled than any of those people. He can’t get a decent job to save his life. So now he toils away at some meaningless, pointless, demoralizing job for less than half of what he, the single white, middle-aged male, is really worth. And he has to kowtow to a  boss who is either some know-nothing Employment Equity and Diversity person or some know-even-less married, white guy who was fast-tracked through the ranks.

And he has to pay taxes. Taxes irk the single, white middle-aged male to no end. Here is is working at some shitty job, making next to no money and to add insult to injury he has to fork over a big chunk of his pathetic salary to the government because he doesn’t get the tax breaks all those “breeders” get. And if that isn’t enough to make him eat his hunting rifle, then they use his taxes to pay for schools and daycares and social programs for poor people and for libraries and hospitals and other stuff he gets absolutely no benefit from. Yes, he, the single, white middle-aged male is single-handedly supporting every last tax-funded perk everyone else is getting and WTF is that all about?

And speaking of benefits. The single, white middle-aged man is the only human being on the face of the earth not entitled to any special benefits whatsoever. Breeders get parental leave from work and get paid for it (through programs paid for by his taxes!). They get to take “family-related” days when their snivelling brats get sick. People get married and there’s a big party and everyone gives them tons of gifts so they don’t even have to buy their own household goods. The single, white, middle-aged man, on the other hand, has to drag his sorry ass to Canadian Tire and buy his own toaster.

And, there are all sorts of support groups and special interest groups for women and for people of colour and for the differently-abled and for gays and lesbians – they even get parades and designated “awareness” days. There are books written for and about them. TV shows dedicated to them. Documentaries filmed about them. Funds are raised for them on international television by hoards of celebrities. They get grants and scholarships to go to school. Oprah cries for them. It’s all so unfair!!

And then they inflict their kids on him. As if his life wasn’t miserable enough he has to put up with the offspring of all these horrible people who’ve usurped his rightful place in the world. Wherever he goes people insist on exposing him to their children; and talking about their children; and showing him photos of their children. The single, white, middle-aged man is fairly certain that his own seed is going to die with him so he does not need to be reminded day in and day out that his gene pool is being drained, dismantled and filled with dirt as we speak.  But who would want kids anyway? They are so damned demanding and loud and full of mucous and exuberance and hope for the future. It’s extremely irritating.

He’s so misunderstood. And yet despite the entire universe conspiring against him, he forges on, trying his best to fit into this new confusing world of political correctness, vegetarians, environmentalists, fitness-freaks, twitterers, iPhone-toting, child-bearing, coupled-up, blissfully employed humans. He tries (he really does) to be sociable, presentable and not whine too much about his plight, but still he doesn’t get invited to parties. It’s too “awkward” to have a stray male hanging around stuffing canapes into his pockets for tomorrow’s lunch.  No one wants to hear his brilliant stories of using duct-tape to hem his pants or share his joy in finding a perfectly good spatula in the neighbour’s garbage.  Everyone gawps and gapes at everyone else’s photos of their children, but no one gives a second glance to the really nice snapshot of the vole in his basement.  Sure, they all admire the guy in the wheelchair competing in the paralympics, but no one admires the single, white middle-aged male for being able to cut his own hair or for the fact that he did the dishes twice last month. All of them! AND put them away. With no one telling him to! No. No one appreciates any of his deep, inner, stirling qualities at all. Life sucks.

35 responses to “Single, White, Middle-Aged Male

  1. This is exactly why I love Mad Men. When men drank Scotch at 10am and women wore pointy bras. When men knew their place, all seemed right with their world.

  2. Violetsky – I keep thinking life must have been a lot easier, in some respects, for everyone when everyone had clearly defined rules and expectations were well-defined. Of course, it also sucked big time for almost everyone except the white male.

    Meanie – Ha ha. I threw in that Billy Idol reference just for you. I was looking for someone 80s who was something of an antethesis of 70s rock and roll. Then I thought, “Oh, Meanie will love it if I make it Billy Idol”.

    Jazz- No, not as such. I have a few on my blogroll and of course, I know a few in real life.

  3. As you, single mother entitled to untold millions in welfare and job saving while you raised your spawn snidely rant on about us poor guys I’d like to point out a couple of things.
    Pre 1900 women didn’t exist legaly as persons or have the vote.
    Wars were fought by a couple of professional armies somewherw and civilians could go watch. No gays, no child porn, no aids, etc. etc etc.
    Virtually no pollution and if there had been cars you could have hitchhiked with impunity.
    Women get the vote.
    World wars, atomic bombs, pollution, suburbs, big box shopping centres, day care workers and priests molesting children, drug use in sports, great depression, recent great recession, etc. etc. etc.
    Maybe the single white males were doing a pretty good job as things were.
    Thank god I’m not middle aged so this post doesn’t refer to me personally.

  4. Even worse than the Single, Middle-Aged White Male….

    How about the Single, Middle-Aged, White, Able-Bodied, Heterosexual Anglophone Males?

    (Of which category, I admittedly belong to).

    Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to run over some puppies with my Hummer, and go stab some babies with a pitchfork.

    Then I’m going to have my Double-Secret Probation Meeting with my Evil Cohorts, and conspire on how we can continue to screw up the rest of the planet.


  5. Julie – For the record, I was not dissin’ Billy Idol. I know nothing about him. I only used him as an example of 1980s non-70s style rock and roller.

    Hannah – I’m glad you recognized the Friaresque tone to the thing.

    Bandobras – Oh ya, things were rosy. Black Plague, slavery, life expectancy of 23, disease, famine, etc., etc.

    Meagan – Ouch. Poor you.

    Friar – I think the Anglo, able-bodied, hetero aspects were implied. If you’ll look at the tag lines you’ll notice this was a tribute, particularly to you my good man… well, you probably already recognized that anyway, right? I hope you’re flattered.

    Alison – Glad to have contributed some cheer to your day. Thank you.

  6. I was going to point out the “Single, Middle-Aged, White, Able-Bodied, Heterosexual Anglophone Males”, but Friar beat me to it. However, add “civil servant” to that and I believe that it the most hard done-by demographic out there.

    When can we start ticking the “visible minority” box on the forms?

  7. Oh dear, except for being married, that’s my DH’s categories (not the whining, however)! Thank dog I got cancer and don’t have a job. Oh wait, he can speak three languages. Never mind…

  8. Yeah, I saw the tag line.

    You know, when I write my rant posts, at least I have the courtesy to generalize them. I don’t specifically direct them at one single person, by name.

    I’d appreciate it if others would do the same.

    Because that’s when I think one starts to cross the line, between having fun, and personally attacking someone in public.

    Well, go ahead and have your discussion. I’ll just head to other blogs that I feel more comfortable with.

  9. Cedar – You don’t know any single, white, middle-aged guys?

    Sheryl – Hey, that WAS a comment!

    Gordon – As I said to Friar, the anglo, hetero, able-bodied part was implied by the rest. Thanks for visiting!

    Julia – I haven’t quite made all the connections in your comment, but yay!?

    Friar – Aw, come on dude, it’s all in fun. And this was generalized. I only mention you in the tag line because a lot of your rants helped inspire this one. And really, in a lot of ways guys of your generation really have been shafted, which I think this post acknowledges to a certain extent. Okay?

  10. As for the minor problems in paradise like the plague, We men would have fixed all that sort of thing up if we didn’t have to spend half our time deciding whether ivory or eggshell was the best colour for the dining room. It’s white deal with it and get on with life.

  11. You know, when “the boy” proposed to my daughter and stopped by to chat with me about it he actually said, “It will be good for my career because married men are more likely to get raises and promotions.” He actually said that to me. So I told my daughter and told her that single women are more likely to get raises and promotions than married women. Two can play this stupid game.

  12. Thius might be a good post, but I couldn’t read past the first sentence. I’m tired of being persecuted as a middle-aged unilingual white guy in this country!
    Damn you all!

    Love and hugs,

  13. Oh, that was a sweet post! Except I must be the only middle-aged woman without child. I feel so special now.

  14. OK so you just described me – but you didn’t mention a few things – if I WANT – I can start drinking scotch at 10 am – but I don’t. I go straight for the bourbon.
    And the only other thing you forgot to mention is that I still have access to at least some fun… My bi-weekly lodge meetings.
    And sorry “Gordon” if you are s “civil servant” you aren’t in the group. We of the group believe in earning our own money – not living off the public tit.

  15. Porsche Guy?? Is that you on XUP’s blog?? You goof! Get out of there immediately and hustle your oh-so-hurt white, middle-aged single butt back home! You promised to make me that martini HOURS ago, and I’m STILL waiting!!

  16. Bandobras -Okay, okay, single EGGSHELL, middle-aged males

    Geewits – I hope your daughter doesn’t marry him. He’s probably right about marriage being good for his career, but it’s a really crappy reason for getting married — even if it’s not his primary reason, it still odd that he thought of it as a reason for getting married.

    Bob- I’m not persecuting, Bob! I’m sympathizing. Really. Really I am.

    Elizabeth – Shhhh.. or going to get a line-up of suitors at your front door.

    Pinklea – If he’s driving a Porche, he can’t be too hard done by. I’ll send him straight home if I DO see him, however.

    Kimberly – Wow! Thank you very much.

    Cedar – You need to diversify your circle of friends and acquaintances maybe? They’re everywhere, so it shouldn’t be too hard to find one. And thanks.

  17. I`ll have to take your word for it. I still can`t get past the first line. I guess that`s just the way I roll.

  18. Been white, male, anglo etc. forever but haven’t been single for more than a few weeks since I was 15… so I can’t relate…
    Sorry… but I have always been that, um, hot…
    Great post XUP…

  19. Zoom – Thanks

    Bob – Well, I can draw everyone into the mystery of each and every blog post, I guess.

    Trashee – You must have hidden depths

  20. I’m a swmm and it’s all true. no grants for my poor ass no healthcare benifits min wage no wife no kids bad teeth no hope just live or die morals ethics pride happiness God.laugh all u want

  21. Yes, I am that hard-done-by middle-aged white Anglo-male, and this is my life experience. Destined to die alone, childless, ’cause I’m not where I should be professionally. And why not? Ha ha, you nailed it. Is it any wonder there are so many bitter, jaded individuals like me secretly yearning for some 25 year old trophy wife, but without the budget!

  22. I am 59, white male, and have been trying to get a job for 2 1/2 years. I learned that I have been getting discriminated against in employment because of affirmative action. Is there any way to get rid of it?

  23. No, there isn’t, because the bleeding hearts and white-guilt ridden are firmly entrenched in our government and have put us in the back of the trunk. I do believe that if had happened 100 years ago, we wouldn’t have light bulbs or toilet paper, so the world won’t thank us now, but wait until we disappear from view, and the world goes into darkness….Then we shall see what the special olympics crowd and the minorities have given us (of value), nothing…except a huge drain on the world economy, and those kids that were tit-fed with MY Social Security money ? They will want to know why the Internet dried up and why they can’t have any more yum-yums, courtesy of the Welfare system that they couldn’t be bothered to contribute to, because their fat asses were too busy living off my money to learn how to work…So, no, there isn’t a way to get rid of Affirmative Action, it is because the minorities sold their neighbors to us that we now have to support them for eternity…