Single, White, Middle-Aged Male

Is there any group of creatures on this, or any other planet, more hard done by than the single, white, middle-aged male?

The poor guy was raised to believe he’s special and privileged and advantaged; that the world is his oyster; that not even the sky is his limit; that he could be and do anything! And what happened? Well, he got royally reamed,  didn’t he? Didn’t he? Just ask one, he’ll tell you. 

He’ll tell you that he is from the era when,  just as he was ready to take the world stage by storm all the rules changed.

Starting with Women: There he was, about to plunge headlong into the dizzying pleasure-orgy of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll when it all disappeared. Turns out sex and drugs could kill you and rock ‘n’ roll gave way to Billy Idol.  Make-love-not-war women snapped their bras back on and demanded a “commitment” before even giving him the time of day.

Less befuddled men got right on board with the new program and grabbed a wife, bought homes in the suburbs and began reproducing. The slower,  more befuddled men suddenly found themselves sliding haplessly, involuntarily and irrecoverabley  into middle-age —  alone.  And here they are. Now they look around and their “realistic” choices are limited to men or middle-aged women who, of course,  are not appealing because they don’t look 25.  Also, they’re too demanding. They expect men to be perfect and talk about “feelings”. They expect men to know (and DO!) stuff like cooking and laundry. And let’s not even get into how judgmental they are about you-know-what.  And,  middle-aged women all have kids — every last one of them. They can’t seem to help themselves. Who wants to be saddled looking after and paying for someone else’s kids, right?

Then there’s the workforce. Being a single, white middle-aged man wouldn’t be so bad if one had an exciting, dynamic career to absorb one’s attention,  like everyone else does. But no, here again our boy has been shafted. Some weisenheimer decided that white males had dominated the workforce long enough and came up with Employment Equity and Diversity – the bane of the white man’s existence. Now he can only get a job if there are no women, visible minorities, people with physical or mental disabilities or married/gay white guys applying. (No one knows exactly how or why married white guys got on this list, but every single, white guy knows they’re there). Never mind that the single white guy is 10 times smarter and more skilled than any of those people. He can’t get a decent job to save his life. So now he toils away at some meaningless, pointless, demoralizing job for less than half of what he, the single white, middle-aged male, is really worth. And he has to kowtow to a  boss who is either some know-nothing Employment Equity and Diversity person or some know-even-less married, white guy who was fast-tracked through the ranks.

And he has to pay taxes. Taxes irk the single, white middle-aged male to no end. Here is is working at some shitty job, making next to no money and to add insult to injury he has to fork over a big chunk of his pathetic salary to the government because he doesn’t get the tax breaks all those “breeders” get. And if that isn’t enough to make him eat his hunting rifle, then they use his taxes to pay for schools and daycares and social programs for poor people and for libraries and hospitals and other stuff he gets absolutely no benefit from. Yes, he, the single, white middle-aged male is single-handedly supporting every last tax-funded perk everyone else is getting and WTF is that all about?

And speaking of benefits. The single, white middle-aged man is the only human being on the face of the earth not entitled to any special benefits whatsoever. Breeders get parental leave from work and get paid for it (through programs paid for by his taxes!). They get to take “family-related” days when their snivelling brats get sick. People get married and there’s a big party and everyone gives them tons of gifts so they don’t even have to buy their own household goods. The single, white, middle-aged man, on the other hand, has to drag his sorry ass to Canadian Tire and buy his own toaster.

And, there are all sorts of support groups and special interest groups for women and for people of colour and for the differently-abled and for gays and lesbians – they even get parades and designated “awareness” days. There are books written for and about them. TV shows dedicated to them. Documentaries filmed about them. Funds are raised for them on international television by hoards of celebrities. They get grants and scholarships to go to school. Oprah cries for them. It’s all so unfair!!

And then they inflict their kids on him. As if his life wasn’t miserable enough he has to put up with the offspring of all these horrible people who’ve usurped his rightful place in the world. Wherever he goes people insist on exposing him to their children; and talking about their children; and showing him photos of their children. The single, white, middle-aged man is fairly certain that his own seed is going to die with him so he does not need to be reminded day in and day out that his gene pool is being drained, dismantled and filled with dirt as we speak.  But who would want kids anyway? They are so damned demanding and loud and full of mucous and exuberance and hope for the future. It’s extremely irritating.

He’s so misunderstood. And yet despite the entire universe conspiring against him, he forges on, trying his best to fit into this new confusing world of political correctness, vegetarians, environmentalists, fitness-freaks, twitterers, iPhone-toting, child-bearing, coupled-up, blissfully employed humans. He tries (he really does) to be sociable, presentable and not whine too much about his plight, but still he doesn’t get invited to parties. It’s too “awkward” to have a stray male hanging around stuffing canapes into his pockets for tomorrow’s lunch.  No one wants to hear his brilliant stories of using duct-tape to hem his pants or share his joy in finding a perfectly good spatula in the neighbour’s garbage.  Everyone gawps and gapes at everyone else’s photos of their children, but no one gives a second glance to the really nice snapshot of the vole in his basement.  Sure, they all admire the guy in the wheelchair competing in the paralympics, but no one admires the single, white middle-aged male for being able to cut his own hair or for the fact that he did the dishes twice last month. All of them! AND put them away. With no one telling him to! No. No one appreciates any of his deep, inner, stirling qualities at all. Life sucks.