To: Melanie Griffith, Cirque Lodge Rehabilitation Facility, Utah, USA
My Dearest Melanie,
I say, who is he (Antonio Banderas) to tell you what to do anyway? Come on Mel (May I call you Mel? Melly?). If a big movie star woman like you (who just celebrated her 52nd birthday — not that that’s old or anything) isn’t allowed to enjoy a drink now and then, I say to hell with the hubby (Antonio Banderas). Right? Are you with me?
Sure you are, Mel. Come on! It’s important to take some time every day to unwind with a G&T or two, or three. You have a lot of stress. You haven’t made a decent movie since Working Girl in 1988 and even that was pretty much schlock. Ya, you got a little nod for RKO281 in 1999, but that was TV and 10 years ago now. Wow, eh? Where does the time go? Ha ha.
And, by golly if you want everything around you to be yellow and only yellow, why shouldn’t you have everything yellow? And if you scare your kids a little with your cuckoo-nuttiness and get a little wacky in public now and then, who has the right to tell you that’s not okay? Not Antonio Banderas, that’s for sure!
Pfft. Come one! he (Antonio Banderas) has got to be the Number One reason you’re back in the booby-hatch in the first place. Who’d want to be married to him (Antonio Banderas) ? How much pressure would that be? I mean, look at him! (Antonio Banderas)
He (Antonio Banderas) is only a couple of years younger than you and look at the two of you.
You are sooooo out of your league and you know it. Sure, it would be okay if he were at least dumb and arrogant or something, but noooOOOooooOOOoooooOOooo…turns out he’s smart, too. And talented. And funny. And modest. And kind.
What a shit!
How are you expected to put up with that day in and day out? There he is out in the world directing and acting in one hit movie after another with young hot movie starlets. And he’s only getting better and better the older he gets. And you?
Not so much. Oh, I know you’ve tried to keep up by getting the nose done and the chin and the eyes and the lips and the boobs and god knows what else done, but it’s really just turning you into a freak isn’t it? That’s gotta hurt. (Go ahead and get another drink, I’ll wait)
Ya. Look how cute you used to be before you went all silicone? If only you’d left well-enough alone. You’d still look 52, but at least you’d look more human. Look at your mom, Tippi Hedren. She’s gonna be 80 in a few months and she looks great.
Oh well, water under the bridge now. Personally, I think you’d save yourself a lot of sleepless nights if you just went back to Don Johnson. You guys were a match made in Hollywood Heaven. You were happily married to him twice already, why not give it one more shot? I’m sure he’d jump at the chance. He never really recovered from that Miami Vice thing, did he?
See, he’s nice and ordinary-looking. Plus, he’s dumb as a post, has no career and is a bit of a jerk. You‘d be the smart, beautiful god in the household. Think about it.
Okay, so Mel, I’m only telling you all this for your own good. I want you to be happy, I really do and let’s face it – you’re never going to be happy with Antonio (Banderas) . Just look at him (Antonio Banderas).
No really look.
See? How could any woman be happy with that? (For more than…oh say…2 or 3 hours a day, twice a week?)
The writing’s on the wall, Mel. He (Antonio Banderas) is being all demanding about you not drinking and doing cocaine and buying all those yellow things. Threatening stuff. Being all macho. Who needs that, am I right? Not you Mel. For sure, not you.
So, why not stand up for yourself and dump him (Antonio Banderas) before he (Antonio Banderas) dumps you (Melanie Griffith)? ‘Cuz we all know he will sooner or later. Won’t you Antonio Banderas?
Go on. Kick him (Antonio Banderas) to the curb.
That’ll teach him to try and boss you around.
(Psssst…Antonio? Feel free to contact me at email@example.com and I can arrange for you to be picked up off the curb and be thoroughly and fully consoled)