Dear Melanie

To:  Melanie Griffith,  Cirque Lodge Rehabilitation Facility, Utah, USA

My Dearest Melanie,

So, I hear you’re back in re-hab because your man (Antonio Banderas) is threatening to divorce you if you don’t get your shit together. That sucks.

I say, who is he (Antonio Banderas) to tell you what to do anyway? Come on Mel (May I call you Mel? Melly?). If a big movie star woman like you (who just celebrated her 52nd birthday — not that that’s old or anything) isn’t allowed to enjoy a drink now and then, I say to hell with the hubby (Antonio Banderas). Right? Are you with me?

Sure you are, Mel. Come on! It’s important to take some time every day to unwind with a G&T or two, or three. You have a lot of stress. You haven’t made a decent movie since Working Girl in 1988 and even that was pretty much schlock. Ya, you got a little nod for RKO281 in 1999, but that was TV and 10 years ago now. Wow, eh? Where does the time go? Ha ha.

And, by golly if you want everything around you to be yellow and only yellow, why shouldn’t you have everything yellow? And if you scare your kids a little with your cuckoo-nuttiness and get a little wacky in public now and then, who has the right to tell you that’s not okay? Not Antonio Banderas, that’s for sure!

Pfft.  Come one! he (Antonio Banderas) has got to be the Number One reason you’re back in the booby-hatch in the first place. Who’d want to be married to him (Antonio Banderas) ? How much pressure would that be? I mean, look at him! (Antonio Banderas)


He (Antonio Banderas) is only a couple of years younger than you and look at the two of you.

mel and tony

You are sooooo out of your league and you know it. Sure, it would be okay if he were at least dumb and arrogant or something, but noooOOOooooOOOoooooOOooo…turns out he’s smart, too. And talented. And funny. And modest. And kind.

What a shit!

How are you expected to put up with that day in and day out? There he is out in the world directing and acting in one hit movie after another with young hot movie starlets. And he’s only getting better and better the older he gets. And you?


Not so much. Oh, I know you’ve tried to keep up by getting the nose done and the chin and the eyes and the lips and the boobs and god knows what else done, but it’s really just turning you into a freak isn’t it? That’s gotta hurt. (Go ahead and get another drink, I’ll wait)


Ya. Look how cute you used to be before you went all silicone? If only you’d left well-enough alone. You’d still look 52, but at least you’d look more human. Look at your mom, Tippi Hedren. She’s gonna be 80 in a few months and she looks great.


Oh well, water under the bridge now. Personally, I think you’d save yourself a lot of sleepless nights if you just went back to Don Johnson.  You guys were a match made in Hollywood Heaven. You were happily married to him twice already, why not give it one more shot? I’m sure he’d jump at the chance. He never really recovered from that Miami Vice thing, did he?


See, he’s nice and ordinary-looking. Plus, he’s dumb as a post, has no career and is a bit of a jerk. You‘d be the smart, beautiful god in the household. Think about it.

Okay, so Mel, I’m only telling you all this for your own good. I want you to be happy, I really do and let’s face it – you’re never going to be happy with Antonio (Banderas) . Just look at him (Antonio Banderas).


 No really look.


See? How could any woman be happy with that? (For more than…oh say…2 or 3 hours a day, twice a week?)

The writing’s on the wall, Mel. He (Antonio Banderas) is being all demanding about you not drinking and doing cocaine and buying all those yellow things. Threatening stuff. Being all macho. Who needs that, am I right? Not you Mel. For sure, not you.

So, why not stand up for yourself and dump him (Antonio Banderas) before he (Antonio Banderas) dumps you (Melanie Griffith)? ‘Cuz we all know he will sooner or later.  Won’t you Antonio Banderas?

Go on. Kick him (Antonio Banderas) to the curb.


That’ll teach him to try and boss you around.

(Psssst…Antonio? Feel free to contact me at and I can arrange for you to be picked up off the curb and be thoroughly and fully consoled)


NB:  It is precisely this sort of cattiness and sabotaging of our sisters’ relationships, successes and mental health that has kept women oppressed even decades after the women’s movement fought so hard for our equality. There are plenty of men to go around. We do not need to play stupid games in order to get or keep one. We do not need to mutilate ourselves in order to get or keep one. We do not need to punish ourselves for getting old. We do not need to step on or cast aside our sisters to be successful in life or in love.
Whoa! Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
PPS: None of the above applies in the case of Antonio Banderas. Thank you.

26 responses to “Dear Melanie

  1. Oh – My – God, it has taken me 17 minutes of cleaning already and I still haven’t got half the drool off the computer.
    Try to have a little more control next time.

  2. Dear Antonio-

    Run. Like the wind.


    Vamos! A el aeropuerto!

    I always got the impression that he was kind of whipped in this situation. Could be wrong, but I believe Mel wears the pants here. I do agree, however, that women shouldn’t have to become more plastic as they age to make us happy. It’s kind of scary looking.

  3. Bandobras – I did warn you about buying that new-fangled monitor with the Dolby Drool Surround.

    Jazz – I’m perfectly willing to share. I’m not a full-time kind of gal anyway and Antonio is certainly not someone you’d want to take on exclusively or we’ll all end up like Melanie. So, the more the merrier, I say.

    Mayopie – I don’t think Melanie can even get her pants on without a lot of help. No way my boy Antonio is whipped. So just shut up, okay!

    Dr. Monkey – Well, really. How long does she expect to be able to hang on to him the way she’s going on? I’m just helping out.

  4. That last photo of Antonio is making my knees melt and ALMOST making me forget that I also loooooove Johnny Depp lol

    Great post. Poor Melanie, she really lost her natural looks when she went silicone.

  5. Funny post! But you do make your point: women don’t need to go under the knife to look “better” as we age. We’re ALL aging well and looking just fine as we do, thank you very much! Now, I know a few men who could use some surgery …

  6. Funny that you mentioned RKO – one of my favourite movies as Citizen Kane is there in the top 5 for me.
    The role she played was easy for her – a b-list actress “married” to a rather successful man. Marion Davies readily admitted that she was an alcoholic gold-digger.
    And I am surprised that she ever left that Don Johnson guy. Pamela Des Barres stated in her book – “I’m with the band” that she thought that he had a great future….. Actor, was into music in a big way and “HUGE COCK”.
    what more would a woman have wanted out of life?

  7. UA – Ya, Johnny Depp is cute in a girly sort of way, but he’s too young. I like the first Antonio photo the best, I think.

    Lynn – Har har har har har..pantyliners…

    Pinklea – Now, now. If we don’t need surgery, neither do they.

    Lebowski – Just goes ta show ya, eh? Women seem to think there are other things more important, I guess.

  8. Antonio Banderas is like Matthew McConaughey (and Johnny Depp): Women keep saying they are hot and I am just not seeing it. I guess it really comes down to personal taste. So Xup, if the three of us wind up somewhere, he’s all yours and you won’t need to woman-bash me.

  9. Ah yes, the first one is nice, definitely very nice… Antonio is only 3 years older than Johnny baby 🙂 Both equally dreamy…

  10. Melanie Griffith hasn’t done anything to preserve or ensure womens equality–just the opposite–she is just another aging quickly party girl who thought she can get whatever she wants when she wants by manipulating a man–Karma’s such a bitch to these bitches-cause they deserve it-how many times do you think she has used her looks to get something over on another woman–her and all like her are the catty bitches of the world and Karma waits to pay them back when they are ugly demanding hags–that whole everything yellow is just some drunk pshyco way of trying to see if she can make everyone jump–except now instead of getting sexually attention she gets sent to rehab–these kind of women where never nice people and their looks show their true nature in the end–they always look like crap by 50–Party Girls suck–they are legends in their own minds–spend most of their time bragging about how wonderful they are and if you live the life of a drunk you are going to look like it–no sympathy for anyone but Antonio who should get now cause it will be a pshyco drama with her for the next 10 years till she dies from some drunk’s disease that she will drag out to the bitter end–being a mean selfish pshyco bitch till she drops–because narcissistic party girls can’t stand anyone else getting the attention and if they are miserable then everyone around them is going to be miserable too!

  11. Geewits – Like I said to Jazz, I don’t mind sharing, so I wouldn’t bash you anyway. So, who do you find alluring that we might all know? I’m with you on McConaughey and Depp – yes I can see that they’re reasonably good looking men, but that’s as far as it goes.

    UA – Really? I thought Johnny Depp was in his early 40’s still. He looks very young – maybe that’s it. Or maybe it’s because he’s my daughter’s heartthrob that makes him seem too young.

    TG – Is that you, Ana Leza? You seem to speak from some personal knowledge of Melanie and/or are making assumptions based on your personal knowledge and experience of some drunken psycho-bitch party girl who made everyone’s life miserable. Glad I could offer you a venue to vent.

    Lebowski – Hey, knowing your strengths and weaknesses is one big step toward positive development.

    Violesky – I know eh? That’s at least half the fun of the whole Antonio Banderas experience.

    Cedar – I await your verdict.

  12. I’ve always like Dermot Mulroney, Matt Damon, and Ron Livingston, but lately I’ve been thinking about Thomas Hayden Church. I also have a crush on Thorsten Kaye, a guy on my soap. Except for Matt Damon, I guess I’m not really into the usual suspects. Oh and Viggo Mortensen as Aragorn was really sexy, but I’ve seen him on talk shows and then, not so much.

  13. This one is a bit too mean-spirited for me. You might have to work in a soup kitchen or help an old lady across the road to unskew your karma on this one.

  14. haha! isn’t that funny? antonio banderas is so not my thing, which just reinforces the (apparently rarely spoken) truth that attractiveness is subjective. and that therefore, of course, it doesn’t do much good to subject oneself to endless rounds of surgery no matter who tells you only 20 year olds are worth looking at. heck, i saw a photo my aunt posted of my gramma’s sister and my cousin’s gramma standing together on her porch recently, and thought, damn, they are good lookin’ women!

    i’m not comparing them to 20 year olds in Elle magazine – not least because they all look the same to me, the ones they airbrush into robots for the covers – but because that wouldn’t make any sense. they look like themselves, they look good, and i’m glad there are photos of them because someday they’ll be gone and i’ll miss them a lot.

    if they bought into the lines of horseshit the media sell us, they wouldn’t even let us take their photos, good god.

    but your thing for antonio is pretty cute. ha!

  15. 2 or 3 hours a day twice a week, eh? So he could, say, fly over the Atlantic a couple of times a week too? Just for a change of scene (and some rest!)

  16. What has she done to her face??? Whoa…
    I think we should pack our bags and drive down, because clearly Antonio is going to need our help moving out… right? We can take the time off?

    Can I admit, that maybe perhaps he was one of the reasons I loved the SpyKids franchise so much.

  17. Geewits – Ah, so you’re not totally immune to everyone. Good to know!!

    LoLa – I’m sorry. I know it was mean, but come on – yellow??

    Hallie – Good point and thanks for wrapping it all up so nicely so that this doesn’t just look like a superficial post about Antonio, but is, in fact a social commentary on aging well and not buying into the Hollywood glam of trying to maintain a 20-something look, which never works.

    Loth – Absolutely. I’m sure he’d love “resting” with you. Like I said, I’m happy to share.

    Nat – Ah…Spykids. Wasn’t that a great movie series?

  18. You keep me in stitches. I could not stop laughing. Most importantly a great closing with a nice message for young and old.

  19. Too funny. Justin, you need to do your homework better. Its Tony Ganz, Mark Sierra in the clip. Dude, don’t embarrass yourself anymore.