Wooing the Middle-Aged Woman

Yesterday, on his blog, the Deep Friar, very kindly provided us middle-aged broads with some helpful advice on how to attract men (Friar’s Tips for Ladies on how NOT to Attract Men.) – because lord knows, us oldies do still spent most of our time worrying about how to make the boys like us.

Friar had a lot of advice on how not to cut our hair and how not to wear butchy clothes and other stuff to make us womanly and cool which would be laughably offensive if one wasn’t familiar with Friar and didn’t know the entire thing was done in jest.  Also, the Friar challenged us “ladies” to write up some helpful advice to men — which I strongly suspect was his prime motive in opening this can of worms in the first place.

So, never being one to pass up a good challenge, and having nothing particularly germane on the blog agenda for today, I decided to take him up on his plea challenge. (We will assume that this advice is strictly for middle-aged men wishing to attract middle-aged women.  If you want to attract much younger women, I’m afraid I can’t help you anymore. )

Anyway, without further ado…

XUP’s Tips for Gentlemen on how NOT to Attract Women

  1.  Give a thorough and comprehensive treatise on all your exes being particularly scathing about them and all their flaws, faults, behaviours, looks, sexual performances and miserable treatment of you. It will help us to feel sympathy for your terrible misfortune with women while at the same time inspiring lust in us because, as we all know, sympathy is akin to lust for women. It will also make us feel giddy with delight because we’re not like any of those harridans and we will work extra hard to prove to you that we’re your perfect soulmate.
  2. Arrive late for all dates and/or miss a few just to show us that you are important and busy and have other things on your mind than socializing with the women. We will really, really appreciate you when you do show up and will work extra hard to make sure we are worthy of the time you’ve taken from your busy schedule to be with us.
  3. Don’t make an effort in your grooming or dress or deportment. We like a man who knows who he is and doesn’t have to prove himself by wearing deodorant or shaving or ironing a shirt before a date and who feels free to fart in our presence right off the bat and wave it in our direction while discussing how particularly pungent that one was because of the 4 hot dogs and giant bowl of chili he had on his way over. And hey, don’t forget to mention that you think you might still have some of that great chili stuck in the back of your teeth. Suck your teeth meaningfully for emphasis.
  4. Make sure you prove your manhood on an ongoing basis by:
    • Hooting at all the hot females who walk by and telling us exactly why they’re hot and how aroused they’ve made you whilst cupping and squeezing your genitals.
    • Reminiscing about past conquests in graphic detail; being sure to emphasize your incredible prowess on each and every occasion so that if we are ever lucky enough to be bedded by you we will know exactly how orgasmic to feel.
    • Taking your date to manly restaurants and ordering the manliest dish on the menu (the one that contains the most dead things in their most recognizable form and as raw as possible with the least amount of vegetation).
    • Talking about things/people you’ve killed and/or beaten to a pulp with your bare hands and chuckling about it modestly.
    • Talking about cars and sports, preferably while watching them on a big screen TV in the restaurant during your date. Shushing us when we try to speak during the commentary is a very effective way of making sure we understand and appreciate that we should consider ourselves lucky to be out with you at all.
  5. Don’t ask us anything about ourselves. Our time together is short, so it is imperative that you relate everything you’ve ever done, wanted to do, thought, felt, wanted to feel, hoped, dreamed, eaten, wondered and picked out from between your toes. Us chicks are pretty much all the same anyway so you already know everything there is to know about us.
  6. Since we’re all the same, it only makes sense for you to tell us all the things you know we want to hear. The stuff that will make us besotted with you and your wisdom and sensitivity and the stuff that will make us fall swooning into your bed. Even though most of us at this age have been married and/or have been dating for 20-30 years we still don’t have a clue when a man is being sincere, so go for it. It’s for our own good in the long run.
  7. Give us lots of helpful advice on how we could be more attractive so you’ll want to show us off. Tell us how we could be pretty hot if we lost a few pounds and do we really want that dessert? Tell us how flashing a little more skin would make us much more womanly and therefore worthy of your desire. Tell us how a little tuck or botox or silicone would really liven up our looks. Remind us that you do NOT want to be reminded that we’re a parent because that just makes you think of your own mom and that’s just gross.
  8. Shout at us that we’re nothing but bitter, frigid, menopausal, lesbian, ball-breaking man-haters as we leave the restaurant after surreptitiously dumping our extra rare, sizzling steak in your lap.

*** NB: All of the above have been compiled from actual dates – mine and those of friends, acquaintances, coworkers and relatives.

 

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31 responses to “Wooing the Middle-Aged Woman

  1. Thanks for the tips! If Sparky and I ever break up I’ll be sure to come back to this post for advice. ;0)

  2. Hear, hear! Excellent tips, XUP! Isn’t it amazing that these are all TRUE FACTS! I do know a man who actually does follow some of these guidelines already – and yes, he has yet to hook up with his soul-mate after dating for 30 years so far. Fortunately, PG doesn’t do any of this stuff (which would explain why we have been together for 7 or 8 years now. Either that, or he was easily trained.).

  3. Well wasting a steak is inexcusable but as for the rest of this I have been doing it for years and my success with the womens has never wavered.

  4. Touché.

    And very, very funny 😉

    You forgot one – “Scratch your family jewels.”

    I think if you tacked it on the end of #3, it would fit best there.

  5. Oh, this is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!

    #9 ?

    Treat your car far better than your date. Be sure to emphasize where she may and may not be touched (the car, not the date), take longer routes so she’ll be ogled (yep, the car), and discuss your ardent, long-lived passion for her with anyone who pulls up next to you at a red light. No need to talk to the date—she’s in awe of the car, of course.

    And in her stocking-feet, because you made her take off her shoes before she could sit down.

    **NB: Taken from my marriage. Your mileage may vary.

    Regards,

    Kelly

  6. HAHAHHAHA! Nice one!!! 😀

    Of course, I had this one coming to me. I knew a post like this would surface, sooner or later.

    You make a lot of good points. I like to think I don’t do any of these things.

    Well, I DO enjoy a good fart…I won’t go out of my way to do it in front of a lady….and I certainly won’t wave it in their direction.

    But, if it happens, it happens. And when it does (God Help me), I can’t help but laugh a bit.

    (This often doesn’t go over well. Apparently you’re supposed to be mortified and apologetic).

    A few others:

    Pissing on the toilet seat and not cleaning it up.

    Going to a stripper bar and bringing your date along.

    Going shirtless in public with tight shorts, when you have a big beer gut.

    Openly disliking your girlfriends’ cat or dog.

    Trying to pick up another date, right in front of your fiance. (I shit you not..I saw a guy do this!)

    How about leaving a your own WEDDING RECEPTION (to go our drinking with your buddies?)

    (Same guy, actually..their marriage lasted a whole 2 years, surprisingly )

  7. @Friar,

    Re: stripper bar and your date,

    I took my wife to Solid Gold in Burlington.

    Hey, she asked what it was all about!

    Her sister (and her sister’s husband) were there too, we were returning home from dinner at the girls’ parents house.

    We walked right in to the front, and sat in pervert row.

    At the end of it all, the ladies said, “Well, those women don’t have anything we don’t have, so we have nothing to worry about.”

    My brother-in-law and I were laughing the whole time as we were getting a lot of jealous looks from the other guys – as in, “Why won’t my wife/girlfriend come in here with me?”

    🙂

  8. @Brett

    Wow…you’re pretty lucky. Few women would be so open-minded.

    My ex-girlfriend was the opposite. She instantly disliked one of my buddies she never met, and refused to ever visit him. Even though he’s a great dad and has been happily married for 15 years.

    All because, years earlier (before I even met her), we had gone into a stripper bar (Well, we actually didn’t even go in, because we didn’t’ feel like paying the cover charge).

    Well, as it turned out, I still have my friend, but she’s no longer with me.

  9. Well, I married my wife when I was 30 (i.e. not middle aged) and I don’t plan to ever get married again. Actually, I’m a little shocked I’m married at all, she is a saint. So none of this applies to me.

    BUT, it was a damned funny read.

    Eyeteaguy

  10. Friar – a little while after that happened, the girls suggested we go see a “ladies night” – I think they were trying to embarrass us. My bro-in-law and I looked at each other, smiled, and said, “let us know when”.

    We’re still waiting…

    (Glad they never called our bluff.)

    What’s even funnier, Eyeteaguy, is that you met your wife – who *is* a saint – at my wedding… how the heck did that happen, knowing what a rotten bastard I am???

    🙂

    (Seriously though, I have been so very happy about that since it came to pass – how awesome was that? It was meant to be.)

  11. @Brett and Eyeteaguy

    Hm. I met someone at a friends’ wedding, that resulted in 4-5 dates. But that was about it.

    But maybe that’s a GOOD thing. (Who knows? I may have dodged a bullet).

    Though it still boggles my mind, how saintly women would tolerate to be within the same room as the two of you bag-rotters.

    PS. I sense the potential of a blog hi-jacking here. (Do you?)

  12. Dr. Monkey – Well, I don’t think that’s going to happen, but you’re welcome.

    Pinklea – There are a few gems out there, but most guys have evolved beyond these examples, thank goodness.

    Bandobras – It sounded like a fine use of a hot, bloody steak to me. Define what you mean by “success with women”

    Brett – Hey, thanks for visiting my blog! Every guy does scratches the jewels. If we ruled that out the species would soon cease to exist. I figured one reference to genital fondling was enough anyway, but I’ll keep it in mind if I decide to publish the list.

    Kelly – Thank you for visiting my blog, too!! Why would you even bother getting in his stupid car if he’s that fussy about it? I would have set up a nice cot in the garage for hubby… maybe a hotplate, too…so he could live out there with the car happily ever after.

    Friar – I think I’ve addressed the shirtless in public thing a couple of times before. And the engaged guy hitting on another woman? Doesn’t surprise me at all. I’ve been hit on by guys at bars or parties or other events when their dates, fiancees or wives were right there just out of earshot. Usually the woman comes over later and warns me off her man in subtle and sometimes not so subtle terms. Foolish women.

    Brett/Friar – I’ve been to stripper bars with guys before. I found the whole scene really sad. I did a post about it once. We don’t treat our sex trade workers very well — mainly because we pretend it’s illegal and needs to be conducted by criminals.

    Eyeteaguy – Thank you and I’m always happy to hear a story of marital bliss. They are so few and far between.

    Leah – It’s practice for when a good guy (with a few faults) comes along so you’ll know he’s a good guy and overlook his few faults.

    Geewits – Get him in the morning or tomorrow or both!

  13. Oooo, ooo, *raises hand*, I’ve got one:

    Tell us long stories about what happened at work that day, and every time a female co-worker is mentioned in a story, tell us how much she wants you, and how she bent over to let you see down her top/brushed against you/smiled in a come-hither manner. It will make us appreciate what a babe magnet we’ve been lucky enough to snare, and make us work that much harder to be deserving of such an Adonis.

  14. You middle-aged broads are all overly sensitive on account of the change and all anyway.

    Shooooot.

  15. @XUP: RE: “I would have set up a nice cot in the garage for hubby… maybe a hotplate, too…so he could live out there with the car happily ever after.” You know that there are guys that have sex [b]with[/b] their cars, right? They might be really OK with being sent to live in the garage.

  16. I don’t know…women can be pretty …ah..interesting at times themselves…women have more of a sense of entitlement than men when it comes to certain things…

    Where is the door I came in? I know it is here somewhere…oh..there it is…the ESC button…wow there was real foresight in that damn button wasn’t there? heh. ahem.

  17. Alison – YES! Good one. I’ve known one or two of those. My brother is one and my best friend married one. I think they’ve settled down a bit now that they realize no one cares/believes them.

    Bandobras – Well. Then. Hmmmm

    LGS – I think it pretty much works for most women regardless of financial status. Why? Do you have your eye on one? Does your wife know?

    Jass – Friar does have his moments, though we do disagree about a number of things.

    Elaine – It’s true. Pretty much everything that’s wrong with us can be traced directly back to hormones. And not just for us old broads neither – for all broads.

    Louise – Yes. That’s what makes it such a perfect plan. Everyone is happy.

    Cedar – I’m sure. I don’t really know much about women in that capacity. They are very different I’m sure when they’re around a lover or potential lover than they are around their gal pals.

  18. Pretty comprehensive there, but I did not see you urging the guy to leave his horny toenails as long and grimy as possible or suggesting that he read us long articles out of the paper in a monotone, mispronouncing words as he wishes.

    We all knew someone like that once.

    Laughing too hard to continue.

  19. LOL!

    Hey Friar – someone should do a post on Tips for Ladies on how NOT to Attract Men! I would go ahead and write one myself, but my wife and daughter would kill me!

    This for How TO attract men is quite short, of course. And I’m sure you ladies are all aware that the only thing you need to do is the following:

    1) Be living, breathing and conscious.

    Of course, praise helps too. We, like dogs, love to have our egos stroked.

  20. @Trashee

    You forgot: Feed us. (We’ll do almost anything for a good home-cooked meal, like spending 5 hours moving furniture).

    Also, we’re suckers for any kind of glimpse of cleavage.

    (*ducks and runs*) In case any of the other ladies are listening.

  21. Mary G -I’m glad you can still laugh about it, especially since I assume the example you give is an ongoing one from your personal life??

    Jesmi – Merci

    Trashee – This whole post is in response to Friar’s post for Ladies on how not to attract Men..pay attention! And yes, I suspect men’s standards for “ego” stroking type of activities are not that high — though they do get pickier for women they have to be seen in public with.

    Friar – Really? Anything for a home-cooked meal and a bit of cleavage, you say?? Do you want to send me your phone number for the next time I need some major repairs of furniture hauling done? Thanks

  22. Sorry XUP 😦 a little groggy and fuzzy this morning after a splendorferous night out celebrating with The Resident Love Goddess on the occasion of our 8th anniversary of marital bliss. Beckta on Nepean St. provided me with one of my most pleasurable dining experiences ever!

  23. you need an entry for another kind of man besides the ones who like to reinforce their manliness. I am, of course, referring to the “Man-boy” – the ones whose living rooms feature prominently the evidence of their video gaming prowess, who boast of their personal relationships with the pizza guy, who will happily give you a guided tour of their collections (be them beer cans, comic books, potato heads, or vintage lego), whose work attire consists of “ironic” t-shirts and/or clothing secured for free at work-related conferences, and who may or may not still be sleeping in Star Wars bedding.

    I say all of this, of course, with the utmost of affection for the one currently sharing my home.

    Well, almost of it.

  24. I’m with Leah. I think I’ve dated some of these guys myself. The worst one had a gun and a bottle of rum under the seat and began telling me about his prized dogs he’d trained to fight…”real moneymakers” he called them. We went to the movies. I left him in the theater to “go to the restroom” and called my roommate to pick me up. I never saw him again.