Yesterday, on his blog, the Deep Friar, very kindly provided us middle-aged broads with some helpful advice on how to attract men (Friar’s Tips for Ladies on how NOT to Attract Men.) – because lord knows, us oldies do still spent most of our time worrying about how to make the boys like us.
Friar had a lot of advice on how not to cut our hair and how not to wear butchy clothes and other stuff to make us womanly and cool which would be laughably offensive if one wasn’t familiar with Friar and didn’t know the entire thing was done in jest. Also, the Friar challenged us “ladies” to write up some helpful advice to men — which I strongly suspect was his prime motive in opening this can of worms in the first place.
So, never being one to pass up a good challenge, and having nothing particularly germane on the blog agenda for today, I decided to take him up on his plea challenge. (We will assume that this advice is strictly for middle-aged men wishing to attract middle-aged women. If you want to attract much younger women, I’m afraid I can’t help you anymore. )
Anyway, without further ado…
XUP’s Tips for Gentlemen on how NOT to Attract Women
- Give a thorough and comprehensive treatise on all your exes being particularly scathing about them and all their flaws, faults, behaviours, looks, sexual performances and miserable treatment of you. It will help us to feel sympathy for your terrible misfortune with women while at the same time inspiring lust in us because, as we all know, sympathy is akin to lust for women. It will also make us feel giddy with delight because we’re not like any of those harridans and we will work extra hard to prove to you that we’re your perfect soulmate.
- Arrive late for all dates and/or miss a few just to show us that you are important and busy and have other things on your mind than socializing with the women. We will really, really appreciate you when you do show up and will work extra hard to make sure we are worthy of the time you’ve taken from your busy schedule to be with us.
- Don’t make an effort in your grooming or dress or deportment. We like a man who knows who he is and doesn’t have to prove himself by wearing deodorant or shaving or ironing a shirt before a date and who feels free to fart in our presence right off the bat and wave it in our direction while discussing how particularly pungent that one was because of the 4 hot dogs and giant bowl of chili he had on his way over. And hey, don’t forget to mention that you think you might still have some of that great chili stuck in the back of your teeth. Suck your teeth meaningfully for emphasis.
- Make sure you prove your manhood on an ongoing basis by:
- Hooting at all the hot females who walk by and telling us exactly why they’re hot and how aroused they’ve made you whilst cupping and squeezing your genitals.
- Reminiscing about past conquests in graphic detail; being sure to emphasize your incredible prowess on each and every occasion so that if we are ever lucky enough to be bedded by you we will know exactly how orgasmic to feel.
- Taking your date to manly restaurants and ordering the manliest dish on the menu (the one that contains the most dead things in their most recognizable form and as raw as possible with the least amount of vegetation).
- Talking about things/people you’ve killed and/or beaten to a pulp with your bare hands and chuckling about it modestly.
- Talking about cars and sports, preferably while watching them on a big screen TV in the restaurant during your date. Shushing us when we try to speak during the commentary is a very effective way of making sure we understand and appreciate that we should consider ourselves lucky to be out with you at all.
- Don’t ask us anything about ourselves. Our time together is short, so it is imperative that you relate everything you’ve ever done, wanted to do, thought, felt, wanted to feel, hoped, dreamed, eaten, wondered and picked out from between your toes. Us chicks are pretty much all the same anyway so you already know everything there is to know about us.
- Since we’re all the same, it only makes sense for you to tell us all the things you know we want to hear. The stuff that will make us besotted with you and your wisdom and sensitivity and the stuff that will make us fall swooning into your bed. Even though most of us at this age have been married and/or have been dating for 20-30 years we still don’t have a clue when a man is being sincere, so go for it. It’s for our own good in the long run.
- Give us lots of helpful advice on how we could be more attractive so you’ll want to show us off. Tell us how we could be pretty hot if we lost a few pounds and do we really want that dessert? Tell us how flashing a little more skin would make us much more womanly and therefore worthy of your desire. Tell us how a little tuck or botox or silicone would really liven up our looks. Remind us that you do NOT want to be reminded that we’re a parent because that just makes you think of your own mom and that’s just gross.
- Shout at us that we’re nothing but bitter, frigid, menopausal, lesbian, ball-breaking man-haters as we leave the restaurant after surreptitiously dumping our extra rare, sizzling steak in your lap.
*** NB: All of the above have been compiled from actual dates – mine and those of friends, acquaintances, coworkers and relatives.