In this age of 21st century dental and gastroenterological advancements; what possible reason could any gainfully employed person living in the western world have for stinking from their mouths like something 5 days dead?
Please don’t send cards and letters bemoaning my lack of sensitivity over obscure medical conditions sufferers of pernicious halitosis may or may not have. I just want people with rancid breath to stay out of my face.
Let’s look at the neighbourhood woman who insists on sitting with me on my new bus route to work every morning. She doesn’t eat breakfast until she gets to work so, although she is in full make-up and dressed and coiffed to the nines, she has left her house with morning breath.
No… “morning breath” is much too nice a term for it. “Morning breath” conjures up visions of honeymooning couples kissing and giggling over less than sparkling dental scents. This woman’s breath is putrid. Like some demon from hell invaded her esophagus during the night and is farting out centuries of an extremely poor diet.
Morning Breath is caused by an accumulation of biofilm on the tongue, teeth, gums and throat that has not been adequately cleaned away. This biofilm becomes invaded by opportunistic bacteria that can break down proteins and release smelly waste products called Volatile Sulphur Compounds. This whole process is accelerated during sleep due to the lack of new saliva produced. Sleep mimics an anaerobic situation.
Thank you Breeze Care (The United States Breath Clinic). Now, does Volatile Sulphur Compounds sound like something you should be breathing into someone’s face first thing in the morning?
Seriously. This woman talks non-stop and turns her head in my direction although it would be perfectly acceptable for her to keep her face turned toward the front of the bus. I’ve been pretending to have a cold all week so I can hold a tissue up to my nose so I don’t have to smell her. How long can this go on? Her breath literally makes my gorge rise. Yes, you read that correctly – my gorge. (If “gorge” is an old timey way of saying “breakfast”).
Then there are the people whose breath smells like poo – all the time. They need to include more fibre in their diets. It’s bad enough that I have to smell less constipated strangers’ poo in public toilets, I do not want to smell it from co-workers’, friends’ or anyone-else-who-gets-too-close- to-me’s breath.
Then there is a woman who works in a federal government office, in Ottawa, dealing with the public, whose mouth contains blackish-brownish-greenish stumps in place of teeth. A lot like this:
It’s the most revolting mouth thing I’ve seen outside of a film adaptation of a Charles Dickens novel. HER breath, without a word of exaggeration, will kill you from across the room. Literally. Fell you in your boots and/or Birkenstocks. You will walk in. She will open her mouth. And you will die. A special envoy will be standing by to cart away your corpse.
The federal public service has a comprehensive dental plan for all employees. I will therefore go to my grave not understanding why this woman has this horror show going on in her mouth. It’s the most vile thing you will ever see or smell in your entire life. I guarantee it.
And then there are old people with dentures they stopped cleaning in 1967 to commemorate Canada’s Centennial. As if ya’ll didn’t carry around enough weird smells, old people. To top it off you have to let your dentures accumulate that white/grey film between and betwixt each tooth. It smells to high heaven, old people. Ordinarily I love talking to you about young folks and rain bonnets and prices these days because, let’s face it, I’m knocking on your chronological door. But geeze looo—eeeeze, drop those teeth into a vat of Polident every once in a while! Please.
Hey, I don’t really mind the occasional whiff of freshly-consumed garlic, beer, onions, fish, salami, whatever breath. I love onions and garlic and other pungent delicacies as much as the next guy/gal. So I know there are times when I reek even though I obsessively brush my teeth after every thing I put in my mouth. (Shut. Up.)
So, at those times, I make a point of not speaking directly into anyone’s face. (Except in the most intimate of circumstances when it doesn’t matter anymore because hot sweaty genitals trump slightly foody breath every time). However, I’ve found that the worse someone’s breath is, the more liable they are to invade your personal space. The more liable they are to never shut up. The more liable they are to do those big exhale things.
Yes, perhaps I have an especially sharp nose. (Not in the Wicked Witch of the West sense, but in the sense of having sharp reactions to smells). And maybe no one else cares about your horrid breath. But, dag-nabbit, this is MY blog and I want to complain about it.
So, go the dentist for a regular cleaning. Include whole grains, vegetables and psyllium in your diet, eat breakfast; and for god’s sake, brush and floss your teeth regularly — especially in the morning.