Fortunately, I’ve unearthed some handy ways to use up those crates of Stoli, because lord knows you’ll never be able to drink it all.
- You can clean mould and mildew from your bathroom by spraying a little vodka, leaving for 5 minutes and then wiping clean
- Vodka will also clean:
- Eye glasses
- Vomit stains from clothing and carpets. Simply spray, rub and dry
- Soak a soft cloth in vodka to remove bloodstains and DNA from most surfaces
- Vodka will dissolve glues to help remove bandages and bumper stickers
- A bottle of vodka attached to your resume will help you land that great new job
- Vodka is an excellent beauty aid:
- Use as an astringent for your face
- Mixed with shampoo to really cleanse the scalp, remove toxins, stimulate hair growth and fight dandruff
- Drink 10 -15 ounces to make your partner or blind date more attractive
- Vodka also has many medicinal uses:
- Pour some over an area affected with poison ivy to take the poisons out
- Swish some around your mouth to ease toothache
- Drop some in your ear to ease earache
- Rub some over your chest and back to get rid of fever
- Wash stinky feet with vodka to get rid of nasty odour
- Dab some on wounds as an anaesthetic
- 2 ounces of vodka will improve your thought process ½ hour after drinking
- 6 ounces of vodka will make you think your thought processes are on fire as you regale one an all on your theories of the time/space continuum.
- Kill bees and wasps by spraying them with vodka.
- Kill soft-skulled people with a well-aimed vodka bottle.
A lot of the above are actual, laboratory-tested uses for vodka. Some, not so much.
 Aqua vitae was the original vodka back in middle ages Rome. The reference in the title, for those of you who weren’t around in the 60s is to the TV ad jingle for Aqua Velva – There’s something about an Aqua Velva man. Interestingly, Aqua Velva has also traditionally been the beverage of choice for hobos.
 The day before the scheduled LCBO strike, they raked in the most profits in their history. They reckon they sold $60 million worth of booze on June 23rd. You know there are only 13 million people in Ontario, right? That’s almost five bucks worth of booze for every man, woman and child in the province.