There’s Something About an Aqua Vitae Man

[1]Some of you are probably wondering what to do with all that surplus liquor you stocked-up on in anticipation of the LCBO[2] strike. The shelf life of vodka is only 12 months, after all!!

Fortunately, I’ve unearthed some handy ways to use up those crates of Stoli, because lord knows you’ll never be able to drink it all.

  1. You can clean mould and mildew from your bathroom by spraying a little vodka, leaving for 5 minutes and then wiping clean
  2. Vodka will also clean:
    • Eye glasses
    • Jewellery
    • Vomit stains from clothing and carpets. Simply spray, rub and dry
    • Soak a soft cloth in vodka to remove bloodstains and DNA from most surfaces
  3. Vodka will dissolve glues to help remove bandages and bumper stickers
  4. A bottle of vodka attached to your resume will help you land that great new job
  5. Vodka is an excellent beauty aid:
    • Use as an astringent for your face
    • Mixed with shampoo to really cleanse the scalp, remove toxins, stimulate hair growth and fight dandruff
    • Drink 10 -15 ounces to make your partner or blind date more attractive
  6. Vodka also has many medicinal uses: 
    • Pour some over an area affected with poison ivy to take the poisons out
    • Swish some around your mouth to ease toothache
    • Drop some in your ear to ease earache
    • Rub some over your chest and back to get rid of fever
    • Wash stinky feet with vodka to get rid of nasty odour
    • Dab some on wounds as an anaesthetic
    • 2 ounces of vodka will improve your thought process ½ hour after drinking
    • 6 ounces of vodka will make you think your thought processes are on fire as you regale one an all on your theories of the time/space continuum.
  7. Kill bees and wasps by spraying them with vodka.
  8. Kill soft-skulled people with a well-aimed vodka bottle.

A lot of the above are actual, laboratory-tested uses for vodka. Some, not so much.

[1] Aqua vitae was the original vodka back in middle ages Rome.  The reference in the title, for those of you who weren’t around in the 60s is to the TV ad jingle for Aqua Velva  – There’s something about an Aqua Velva man. Interestingly, Aqua Velva has also traditionally been the beverage of choice for hobos.

[2] The day before the scheduled LCBO strike, they raked in the most profits in their history. They reckon they sold $60 million worth of booze on June 23rd. You know there are only 13 million people in Ontario, right? That’s almost five bucks worth of booze for every man, woman and child in the province.


27 responses to “There’s Something About an Aqua Vitae Man

  1. don’t use vodka to clean eyeglasses as over time the ethanol leaches out some of the plastic lense contents and clouds them. -Maven’s friend

  2. I’ve been using a little shot glass of vodka to clean my rings for years. I also do that space/time continuum thing unless it is December. Then I use it for insisting everyone in the room sing Christmas songs together.

  3. Wow, I’m clearly missing out on a lot by not owning a bottle of vodka. I’d go remedy that situation except that there’s no vodka left.

  4. And on the everything old is new again just in the last week I have seen ads for Aqua Velva again, who knew.
    Luckily I grew up with and Old Spice, father so didn’t have to try to be an Aqua Velva man.

  5. VODKA HAS A SHELF LIFE OF JUST ONE YEAR!!!!!!!!!??????????
    The rest of my day has been clearly laid out for me! That half bottle of Smirnoff in the freezer is close to the best before date!
    Trashy’s Rule #31: Never waste booze.

  6. I also had no idea that vodka had a shelf life of a year. I keep mine in the freezer. That HAS to extend its life span, doesn’t it? (Oh, who am I kidding! A 40-pounder of vodka lasts about twelve minutes around here sometimes, so shelf life, schmelf life!)

  7. Soak a soft cloth in vodka to remove bloodstains and DNA from most surfaces

    I’ll try and remember that for next time…

  8. Kill bees and wasps by spraying them with vodka.

    This is a good enough reason for me to drink more vodka. I have spray bees with it when i’m on a patio 😛

  9. Kalie – Thanks Maven’s friend. They never tell you that in the handy vodka-related home repairs manual

    Geewits – Ha ha — seriously on the ring thing? I’m going to have to try it. Seems like a waste of good vodka to me, though.

    Louise – Seems to be the answer to almost all your daily domestic emergencies. I’m sure LCBO will re-stock tout suite.

    Bandobras – My old man was an Old Spice guy, too. And, I have heard the AV is making a come-back

    Trashee – As if a bottle of anything lasts 12 months in your house — you’re the guy who has Merlot for breakfast, right?

    Pinklea – Good one!! You’re worried about vodka’s shelf-life. Ha ha

    Jazz – It’s a CSI’s worst enemy!

    J – A two-in-one answer to an awesome patio party

    Alison – Window cleaner – bwah-ha-ha-ha!!! Do you feed your kids that salad? Keeps them calm after supper, right?

    LGS – You’re welcome.

    Meanie – YES!

  10. Upgrade the vodka to Everclear and you can clean a bong with it.

    A friend of mine does that anyway.

    Also keep a bottle in your desk at work, for when you need that pre-meeting bracer.

    Another friend of mine does that.

  11. Also mixed with tonic it can pretty much guarantee that you’ll have a jolly old time. It’s an old Russian folk trick.

    Happy to share this top tip with your readers.

    (Seriously…DNA? That’s a CSI waiting to be written, that is)

  12. I make my own vanilla extract with vodka. Split a real vanilla bean or two into quarters, drop into a bottle of vodka. For the super adventurous, also add a chunk of cinnamon stick, a few pods of cardamom, a couple of star anise and a clove or two, and you’ll have a spice liquor that perks up your baking like there’s no tomorrow, as well as being an interesting addition to certain martinis.

    The best part is that it’s perpetual… vanilla beans have a lot to give. When the bottle is down a quarter or so, simply top-up with fresh vodka and you’re off to the races again. I’ve had my bottle on the go for… 7 years, perhaps, and it’s still wonderfully flavoured.

    I make this and give it as gifts.

  13. This is fabulous information. I have liquor including Vodka in a cabinet that’s been there for years. At least now I know what to do with the vodka. I’ll guess I’ll break down and chuck the rest.

  14. now i’m thinking it’s going to be a slow summer for sales from here on out … but maybe i’m just a pessimist.

    “Drink 10 -15 ounces to make your partner or blind date more attractive”

    *snort!* bwaahahah! oh dear. if your date needs 15 OUNCES to look attractive … welllll …

    is it true about the poison ivy? i’m just curious.

  15. Dave – I’m beginning to see why Portland seems so close to Nirvana.

    MisssyM – My readers will be delighted with this news. (And, I totally made that up about the DNA…although it could be true anyway. Who knows?)

    Susan – Aren’t you clever? Now there’s a craft I think I could actually do! Friends and family are going to be thrilled with their Xmas gifts this year.

    Trashee – Which one? Or are you implying that Dave is, in fact, both of those “friends”?

    Lola – NO! Don’t throw it away. I’m sure some of it has a longer shelf life than vodka. Do you research, Or have a party People aren’t too particular about free booze.

    Hallie – Apparantly, yes, it’s true about the poison ivy. The vodka draws the poisonous oils out of the skin. I imagine you have to do it pretty quickly after being exposed — not when you’ve got a full blown rash. And, I wouldn’t worry about slow liquor sales if I were you. Drinking is one of those cumulative things. If you’ve got 20 bottles of booze in the house they will disappear in only slightly less time than the 5 bottles of booze you normally have. And then you will go out and buy 20 more because you now realize 5 just isn’t enough.

    TEG – Will you be on this medication forever? If not, save it until you’re better. If so, host a crazy martini party. There can’t possibly be a better use for gin than that.

    Charlene – You might not need quite so much. Depends on the replusiveness of your partner and your tolerance for alcohol. Use your own judgment.

  16. always the practical one, which i love b/c i try to be practical most of the time too 🙂

    and, more things i didn’t know. yay!

  17. Dr. Monkey – I live to educate

    Loth – You might have to start buying twice as much.

    Leah – I’m sure you can do most of this stuff with vinegar and/or witchhazel, too for those of you in the less-potent-household-cleaner program

  18. Okay. This maybe the singular most fantastic and educational post I have ever read. A post about vodka. That gives me many-the-more reasons to buy EVEN MORE VODKA. I thank you, and the Belvedere vodka company thanks you.

    Plus, now I’m wondering if some kind of threatened liquor strike with the subsequent run on liquor might just correct ALL our economic problems down here. Huh.

  19. Lesley – Shhhh – it’s a secret Canadian economic recovery plan. You can pretend you thought of it all by yourself and become the next presidential finance guy.