How I Know For Sure That Aliens Live Among Us

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Dog poo in plastic grocery bags by the side of the road. I’m human and no matter from which angle I examine this phenomena, I cannot explain it. You walk your dog. Your dog poops. You go to all the trouble of bringing a plastic bag; wrapping your hand in the bag; picking up the warm poop, tying a knot in the bag; and then you just drop the bag? Why not just leave the poop so it has some hope of biodegrading in the next thousand years?  Only aliens could do something so inexplicable. capers

Capers. What are these things? They taste weird. They look like nothing else on earth.How do they end up in jars? Where do they come from? No one knows. I checked with my grocery store manager and one or two restaurateurs and they all claim jars of capers  just show up periodically at their back door. No one orders them. No one asks for any payment. There are no bills of lading. No one has any idea where they come from. But people buy them, so nobody has made too much of a fuss about this. Go ahead, try to explain it. I think they’re little alien scrota. That’s what I think. And this is their way of impregnating earthlings. Watch out for capers.sponge toffee

Sponge toffee. Again, no human would have invented such a thing. It looks like insulation. It feels like insulation. You can’t eat it.  Your tongue gets stuck to it. Yet it’s sold as candy. The ancients tell tales of an alien space craft circling the earth once upon a time and suddenly exploding, sending a shower of debris throughout the universe. The ancients go on to tell of a wily convenience store owner who gathered this debris and wrapped up the chunks in cellophane. And then lo, he sold it in his shop.   And the people from far and wide bought it. Well, not really far and wide. In fact, a lot of it was left to gather dust for hundreds of years. But it’s still occasionally being bought to this very day;  so they say.

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Yoga. So a bunch of aliens living down in SoCal back in the 1960s were sitting around one night talking about how bored they were getting with life on earth. So, after a big night of drinking and hilarious brainstorming they came up with this awesome practical joke to play on the humans. The next day, after  a few Bloody Caesars,  they waved their magic alien wands and opened up a “yoga” studio. (“yoga” in alien, means “huge practical joke” — from the same root word as “yoke” or “joke”). Anyway, that very afternoon, the  aliens went on a big marketing binge and managed to convince a bunch of human hippies to come into this yoga studio and then they bent and twisted them into all sorts of unlikely shapes and played really quiet zitar music in the background and babbled in hushed voices about chakras and stuff. And then they charged the humans money for it all! What fun the aliens had. But, never in a million years did they expect the humans to take it so seriously and for so long! Ha ha! When they finally got tired of laughing about that one, someone came up with “yoga clothing” which sent them all into fresh spasms of laughter.

 andrew_lloyd_webber_1786151

Cats. No, not the musical, although Andrew Lloyd Webber and many, many, many, many (too many to mention) other well-known people are obviously aliens or at the very least, bi-planetary. No, I mean these kinds of cats:

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It’s no coincidence that cats and the pyramids appeared on earth at the same time.  Cats have to work very hard to seem just stupid enough that they’re amusing and endearing without being maddeningly stupid like fish.  Cats seem to spend most of their time just sleeping, but when you think about it, what real earthly animal could survive in the wild if it just slept all the time? Especially a purely carnivorous animal? It’s all an alien misdirection.  Cats are sent here to spy on us and report back to their planet.  That’s why  they’re not allowed to get too involved with humans.  And why we sometimes catch them looking at or listening to stuff that doesn’t seem to be there. And why the longer they’re here, the less interested they seem to be in everything — they’re like long-term public servants, just putting in time until they can retire and get beamed back to their home planet.

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38 responses to “How I Know For Sure That Aliens Live Among Us

  1. If you’re dog poops, the least you could do is pick it up and then deposit in a garbage bin somewhere.
    I agree-MUST be aliens doing this, after watching some dumb humans neglecting to perform the final critical step in the poop-and-scoop procedure. LOL.

  2. I love sponge toffee, except I eat the whole bag and end up with little cuts all over my tongue. I really like capers to. Not a big fan of cats, tho convinced they are aliens because whenever i sleep somewhere a cat lives, they always insist on sleeping on my head, i’m sure in an attempt to suck my knowledge-bits from my brain.

  3. Geewits – I’ll bet you have. I reckon Texas is central command, eh?

    Unknowntheartist – Thanks for visiting UTA and thanks for endorsing my paranoia.

    Debra – At least no one expects us to eat it….yet… (see “tough economic times”)

    Hannah – You’ve actually seen them do this? I just can’t wrap my head around it. The yucky part is picking it up; so what’s the big deal about carrying it around until you see a garbage can? This has stumped me for decades – it really has.

    Meanie – I’ve eaten capers, too. And I’ve eaten sponge toffee. Back in the old days we used to buy Crunchie bars because they were the biggest and longest lasting chocolate bars you could get for your money. But that’s the ONLY reason we bought the stuff. Nobody actually liked it – and yes, it would totally cut your tongue to shreds because you couldn’t chew it, so you just had to let it dissolve in your mouth, burning holes in all your soft tissues. Creepy good times. And as for cats — you only get to like them a bit when you have one of your own…sort of like kids.

  4. Whenever I think of capers (which, admittedly, isn’t often) I flash back to a wedding I attended about 20 years ago. At the reception, before we were let into the dining room, we were all milling about a nicely appointed room where waiters circulated with trays of hors d’oeuvres and champagne. It was the first time I’d ever tried caviar. I was standing alone next to a group of older women that I didn’t know, as my group of friends had all gone outside to smoke and see if they could find the score of the World Series game that was on. (Toronto was in the World Series that year, it was that long ago.)

    One of the ladies was monopolizing the conversation a little obnoxiously. A waiter came by with another tray, and the lady took a cracker with smoked salmon and capers on it. “Mmmm,” she said, gesturing with the loaded cracker, “I just love capons.” One of the other ladies said, a little timidly, “Don’t you mean capers?”. The obnoxious lady just stared at her and said, “No. I mean capons.” And I had to move away from that group because I was laughing, picturing a tiny little cracker with a big old raw plucked chicken sitting on it.

    Eat me, delicious had a great pasta with asparagus and capers recipe last week. I’m going to make it this weekend.

  5. There is NOTHING alien about sponge toffee. It’s a 100% human thing to indulge in.
    Cover it with chocolate, and you even have a chocolate bar, the name of which I can’t remember right. Is it Wunderbar?

  6. Your problem is you grew up out in the wild with the wolves and bears etc.
    In greater metropolitan St Catharines we had a wonderful little family run store called Yurchuck’s Chocolates that actually made all the sponge toffee in the world.
    Attending industrial arts at Robertson school on Thursday mornings we could go there at break and get the toffee they had made that morning when it was still warm and lovely and melt in your mouthy.
    Of course for someone who prefers cold toast I’m surprised you don’t also prefer the cold, crispy, dry, stale sponge toffee known to most of the world.

  7. Alison – I wonder how many other caper-related stories/capers are out there, yet untold?

    Friar – There really are so many better things to eat.

    Bob – CRUNCHIE – It was/is a CRUNCHIE bar. Obviously you haven’t had one in a long time or you’d know this. How can you shamelessly promote something you don’t even eat?

    Jazz – Very scary.

    Bandobras – Yurchuck’s on Welland Ave? That’s now some hoity toity café thing? I worked at Roberston School long after it was no longer a school and I found an old dusty Joy of Cooking way back in some closet. I still have it. I think it’s a first edition. This has nothing to do with your comment, but I just thought I’d share the memories it evoked.

  8. Same place. They used to make lots of their own candy there.
    Robertson was the school to go to for elementary school shop an home ec.
    Many of us were nearly killed there learning how to use power tools, cocking or sewing.

  9. I agree with you on almost everything, especially the yoga (I was recently told by a doctor that I will no longer be able to put my ankles behind my neck – I am pretty sure I never could, and would never have been the least bit interested in trying)!
    However, where I differ is that I love, or more accurately loved, Sponge toffee. You used to get a huge chunk for a nickel. I guess it’s expensive now because the supply is almost gone. Sad, maybe someone will be able to figure out how to make something similar…

  10. I wanna mention that there might be some off chance that the dog poo person dropped it while trying to control or look out for the dog. Same as not being able to control everything about looking after a kid. But you’re right, they should be shot. I don’t know why that person still breathes.

    That cat thing is hysterical. I even think the yoga thing is genius, however, I challenge you to take a focused yoga class for six weeks and tell me it hasn’t changed your mind. I’m pretty sure that’s Erich Schiffman in the picture and he is 162 years of age.

    Alien eggs! I’m so glad someone has finally explained capers to me.

  11. @Bob

    Wunderbar = peanut butter filling, layered in caramel, then chocolate.

    Not even CLOSE to a Crunchie, (unless you count the chocolate part).

    Get it right! 😉

  12. dude, i totally think aliens are responsible for marketing yogurt to women, too. they must have gotten bored with the yoga thing after a while and recycled most of the word.

    it’s absolutely true about the cats, too. i think mine isn’t really napping in the bedroom, but going through my personal papers and figuring out how much kitty crack he can purchase with my debit card.

  13. Nancy – You’re probably right about the supply running out. It WAS only one spaceship the way the ancients tell it.

    Lola- If it was only once or twice that I’ve seen this I could believe your explanation, but the roads are lousy with bags of dog poo. Some people even hang their bags of poo on other people’s fences or leave them on top of mailboxes or in planters or other handy hiding places. In winter they just tuck them into the snow, so that when spring comes there are hundreds of bags of poo floating around. It’s just plain wierd.

    Friar – Ya, that Bob has serious chocolate bar challenges. Sheesh.

    AuntieHallie – You oculd be on to something with the yoghurt — “So, okay we’ve bottled a bunch of milk, made some butter, some nice cheese, whipped up some ice cream and a little half & half for our coffee…. what do we do with this leftover crud that’s been rotting in the hot sun all day?”

  14. capers and sponge toffee give me the heebie jeebies when i see them

    and i now understand what my cats are up to. i better watch what i say

  15. Bob – Play nice.

    Charlene – You’ve never heard of sponge toffee? It’s not spongy at all – it’s hard as rock – which is something that it does have in common with toffee, but that’s the only thing.

    Ellie – Are you fond of sponge toffee?

    Louise – I don’t know. The only remotely positive thing I can say about Crunchie bars is that it takes a really long time to finish one.

    Jobthingy – Forewarned IS forearmed!!

  16. When I was younger I used to think that Capers were from Cape Breton. Seriously… I thought it was like Cape Breton Bru…’grown and bottled there’.
    Warning, no matter how in need you are DO NOT mix Cape Breton Bru with rum…unless you are on your second bottle of rum!!!

  17. Helen – They do call people from Cape Breton, Capers. But they also call those little shrivelled alien scrota capers. I don’t think there’s a relationship

  18. Okay, I was laughing away at this lighthearted post until I got to the bit about cats. Now I’m a bit scared. (And what the hell is sponge toffee????)

  19. Sponge toffee n Australia is almost always covered in chocl=olate- we have two versions: Crunchie and Violet Crumble- crunchie is easier to eat but violet crumble: the motto of that one is “It’s the shatter that matters”- can’t help wondering if they’re talking about the shatter of my teeth….

  20. Loth – You SHOULD be scared of cats!! Sponge toffee – there seem to be pockets of the world who have never experience this stuff. It looks like the picture above. It’s texture is very hard and squeeky like maybe a big block of chalk. It has a sweetness to it, but a sweetness like something gone bad or maybe something sweet that’s been cooked too long and burned and then left in the sun for a long time. It tastes like it would make you violently ill if you injested it. It’s too hard to bite chunks off, so you kind of have to break chunks off with sharp instruments or suck chunks off. And it burns your tongue because it has sharp edges and because you have to leave it in your mouth for a long time until it dissolves because you can’t chew it, so while it’s sitting there on your tongue for a long time it burns your tissues. Sometimes they cover it in chocolate and call it a chocolate bar. You must look for some when you’re in Nova Scotia. If you can’t find a chunk like the one pictured above, go get a Crunchie chocolate bar. Just to see that I’m not even exaggerating any of this.

    UTA – We have Crunchie, too. Not Violet Crumble though — are you sure it’s not Violent Crumble? That seems more apt. I wonder who thought this crap up? And why do people keep buying it?

  21. you are definitely on to something here. i wholeheartedly agree with the caper thing. the husband likes them but i have absolutely no use for them.

  22. Dog poo: wierd, but given the choice, I’ll go for the plastic bag all the way – especially on the SIDE of the road – leaving it around in its natural state and in the middle of the pavement is common practice here and 1)takes too long to biodegrade on asphalt – 2)stinks a lot when subjected to the summer heat – You have to hopscotch your way around if you don’t want to end up with the shit on your sole (sorry for the pun)

    Hmmm. Dying to try the sponge toffee. Never seen it around here.

    Yoga I’m not even trying – afraid my legs are way too short to wrap around my neck.

    Regarding capers, they’re VERY common in Mediterranean cuisine (alcaparras in Spanish) Go on, give them another try:

    pizza recipie:
    little tomato sauce on pizza, bit of oregano
    slices of Mozzarella
    very thinly-sliced raw onion
    generous amount of CAPERS
    topped with
    lots of parmesano grated cheese

    deeeelicious.