How I Know For Sure That Aliens Live Among Us

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Dog poo in plastic grocery bags by the side of the road. I’m human and no matter from which angle I examine this phenomena, I cannot explain it. You walk your dog. Your dog poops. You go to all the trouble of bringing a plastic bag; wrapping your hand in the bag; picking up the warm poop, tying a knot in the bag; and then you just drop the bag? Why not just leave the poop so it has some hope of biodegrading in the next thousand years?  Only aliens could do something so inexplicable. capers

Capers. What are these things? They taste weird. They look like nothing else on earth.How do they end up in jars? Where do they come from? No one knows. I checked with my grocery store manager and one or two restaurateurs and they all claim jars of capers  just show up periodically at their back door. No one orders them. No one asks for any payment. There are no bills of lading. No one has any idea where they come from. But people buy them, so nobody has made too much of a fuss about this. Go ahead, try to explain it. I think they’re little alien scrota. That’s what I think. And this is their way of impregnating earthlings. Watch out for capers.sponge toffee

Sponge toffee. Again, no human would have invented such a thing. It looks like insulation. It feels like insulation. You can’t eat it.  Your tongue gets stuck to it. Yet it’s sold as candy. The ancients tell tales of an alien space craft circling the earth once upon a time and suddenly exploding, sending a shower of debris throughout the universe. The ancients go on to tell of a wily convenience store owner who gathered this debris and wrapped up the chunks in cellophane. And then lo, he sold it in his shop.   And the people from far and wide bought it. Well, not really far and wide. In fact, a lot of it was left to gather dust for hundreds of years. But it’s still occasionally being bought to this very day;  so they say.

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Yoga. So a bunch of aliens living down in SoCal back in the 1960s were sitting around one night talking about how bored they were getting with life on earth. So, after a big night of drinking and hilarious brainstorming they came up with this awesome practical joke to play on the humans. The next day, after  a few Bloody Caesars,  they waved their magic alien wands and opened up a “yoga” studio. (“yoga” in alien, means “huge practical joke” — from the same root word as “yoke” or “joke”). Anyway, that very afternoon, the  aliens went on a big marketing binge and managed to convince a bunch of human hippies to come into this yoga studio and then they bent and twisted them into all sorts of unlikely shapes and played really quiet zitar music in the background and babbled in hushed voices about chakras and stuff. And then they charged the humans money for it all! What fun the aliens had. But, never in a million years did they expect the humans to take it so seriously and for so long! Ha ha! When they finally got tired of laughing about that one, someone came up with “yoga clothing” which sent them all into fresh spasms of laughter.

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Cats. No, not the musical, although Andrew Lloyd Webber and many, many, many, many (too many to mention) other well-known people are obviously aliens or at the very least, bi-planetary. No, I mean these kinds of cats:

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It’s no coincidence that cats and the pyramids appeared on earth at the same time.  Cats have to work very hard to seem just stupid enough that they’re amusing and endearing without being maddeningly stupid like fish.  Cats seem to spend most of their time just sleeping, but when you think about it, what real earthly animal could survive in the wild if it just slept all the time? Especially a purely carnivorous animal? It’s all an alien misdirection.  Cats are sent here to spy on us and report back to their planet.  That’s why  they’re not allowed to get too involved with humans.  And why we sometimes catch them looking at or listening to stuff that doesn’t seem to be there. And why the longer they’re here, the less interested they seem to be in everything — they’re like long-term public servants, just putting in time until they can retire and get beamed back to their home planet.