News You Might Have Missed

  • A guy in Florida just won a $2 million law suit because a chair collapsed under him. He was at his lawyers office at the time. The law firm tried to blame it on the chair manufacturer, but were found liable in court. See what I mean about the universe balancing itself?

 

  • The graduating class at Oklahoma State University will not be getting a handshake with their diplomas this year due to H1N1 paranoia. Paranoia seems to be working because so far no one in Oklahoma has been felled by swine flu.

 

  • Turns out right-brainers will be the successes of the 21st Century according to Daniel Pink in his Oprah-approved bestseller, A Whole New Mind. He talks about the 6 six abilities individuals and organizations need master in an outsourced, automated age. I’ve been saying this for ages, but did Oprah pay any attention? No. With all our techie/number crunching jobs going overseas where they can do these things much better, faster and less expensively than us, we need to get creative. And that’s why I say nothing when you scoff at my daughter’s career aspirations in the arts.

 

  • And speaking of brains – right, left and tiny — gun shops all over the US are running out of ammunition as citizens stock up in anticipation of Obama’s tax increase on bullets.

 

  • Obama, Obama, what will you think of next to piss off the red-necks? Oh ya – having Dijon mustard on your cheeseburger. For shame. Extreme right-wing nutjob and FOX newsguy,  Sean Hannity is vilifying the President for being an elitist un-American by shunning good old American yellow mustard.

 

  • Women with breast cancer in Toronto can thank breast cancer survivor Emmanuelle Gattuse for donating $12.5 million to the Princess Margaret Hospital to fund a “rapid tissue processor” along with more pathologists and technicians. Women can now have imaging, biopsy, results of both and a treatment plan, if required, all on the same day. This may not sound like a big deal on the surface, but for anyone who’s been through it, it means the difference between waiting a month or more for a diagnosis. It’s awesome. And something, apparently policy makers would never invest in.

 

  • And, in these hard economic times, (Don’t you love how almost all sentences start with that phrase lately?) it’s good to know that at least one industry is still booming: Tim Horton’s first quarter profits were up more than 7%. Yup, no matter how poor we may get, it will never outweigh the fact that  we’re also too lazy to make our own coffee and/or can never get enough of lard-fried dough and sugar.

 

  • Remember that Best Job in the World contest? Turns out The Whitest Man in the World, and all-around dork, Ben something won it.  

alg_best_job

Yes, this guy fresh from under the grey, rainy skies of the UK is going to spend the next 6 months on a sunny Australian island.  Again, the wonders of balance. Don’t forget your spf 112, Ben. 

 

Finally,

Happy Mother’s Day Sunday

to all you Mums out there.

Advertisements

28 responses to “News You Might Have Missed

  1. Ha! That mustard thing was beyong stupid. Nobody makes asses out of themselves quite like Republicans.

    Commerical guy-“Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

    Crazy republican-“Communist!!”

  2. When I was still gainfully employed as a news producer at a certain TV station, we banned the use of the phrase “These tough economic times”. It’s a lazy crutch, and easy to find alternatives for. The ban also gave us the right to laugh at anyone still using it.
    Good on Tim Hortons. Meanwhile, Starbucks is hurting, probably partly because people can’t afford four bucks for a mediocre cup of coffee in these tough economic times.

  3. I’d like to know how in these tough economic times Obama can afford dijon mustard.
    And as much as I like that the women can get their cancer diagnosis/treatment all set up in a day instead of months apparently the hospital only has the capacity for 8 patients per day in this system.
    I think if you are going to get seriously ill or injured you should do everything in your power to be either a politician or better yet a pro sports star beforehand.

    And a happy mothers day to you and all the other mothers out there. We’d be nowhere without them.

  4. ha ha he looks like he could get fried in the sun. And the Obama cheese-burger fracas sounds just like Australia. And just to finish this off, I’ll use a phrase at the start of a sentence. – R

  5. Hannah – I know, eh? They’re calling him President Poupon now like it’s an insult that he’s not a hillbilly who likes yeller mustard with his possum and grits.

    Bob – It’s as bad as “you should be thankful that you HAVE a job” to excuse all sorts of workplace abuses these days.

    Bandobras – That’s not bad – 8 patients per day. Better than the 8 patients per month paradigm they’re working within now. But ya, your best bet is still to be “somebody” if you need health care.

    Jazz – I guess it’s a lot easier to explain to the common folk than policy, international relations and other uppity political stuff. It reminds me a little of those witch hunts where they burned you at the stake for dumb stuff like being able to eat corn with only one hand.

    Friar – He’s obviously a commie and probably secretly European, too.

    LGS – If you look at the news the right way, most of it is absurd.

    Robin – I don’t think they could have picked a whiter guy. Maybe that’s going to be part of the fun – to see how melandomic he can get.

  6. @XUP

    Nope. It just show’s he’s out of touch with the common man.

    What? The regular yellow mustard’s not good enough for him? He’s gotta get the fancy high-fallutin’ kind?

    FRENCH mustard, no less!

    (Tsk…tsk…tsk). This would never have happened with Bush.

  7. Yeah, Timmie’s is doing well… so is MacDo’s, All-Mart and every Dollarama in town!
    Still – a basic tenet of economics is that folks will cut back on things if they are uncertain about what’s coming down the pipe. Now that these same folks DO know that we’re in the middle of an economic shitstorm, they feel better cuz now they know where they stand and can adjust their spending accordingly.
    So the gravy train for the Purveyors of Cheap Crap may soon be rolling to a stop!
    Frick – now didn’t I sound smart just there?
    Happy Mudder’s Day to you XUP and all others as well – commies or not!

  8. That poor British bloke will be a crisp (potato chip?) by the time they take him off that island. No British citizen is made to be exposed to that much sunshine.

    And I am afraid that American yellow mustard is a mystery to me – in what way is it mustard? It doesn’t taste……mustardy. This does not mean I don’t like it, just that I don’t think of it as mustard. It amuses the hell out of me when I see North Americans visiting over here and applying English mustard as if it were American and then wondering why their eyeballs are melting and running down their cheeks.

  9. Didn’t know about the bullet thing; wish I didn’t!
    Remember, I’m in the middle of nowhere…IN THE SOUTH!!!!

  10. Dr. Monkey – Good old American yellow (French’s) or that commie foreign mustard?

    Friar – Ya, the issue is retarded no matter how many times and ways you explain it. It’s mustard. Loblaws sells Dijon — how elitist can it be? And the burger joint in question didn’t bet an eye about the Dijon request. And it wasn’t a European Rich Snobby People Burger Joint.

    Elizabeth – Obviously you’re a Dijon-loving commie, too.

    Trashee – It was nice to meet you finally! On the way home today there was a chickie in the back of the bus berating her man because he forgot to remind her to go to the dollar store. It seemed to be of vital importance that they shopped there today. She was really pissed off — at the top of her lungs. People stared. It was entertaining.

    Tobeme – You’re welcome.

    Loth – I’m not sure what that brilliant yellow stuff is. It tastes like thick yellow vinegar to me. I want to live in the UK so I can watch Americans get discombobulated over your mustard.

    Skygirl – You too, mamma! I hope they let you sleep all day. I can’t imagine there’s anything else you really want right now.

    Lola – Ditto. (PS: are you ever going to blog again?)

    Helen – You mean you haven’t stockpiled your bullets for the upcoming shortage? What will you do about varmits and drifters?

  11. My grandma died of breast cancer, my mother had five seperate cancers in one breast, her sister has breast cancer and her sister’s three daughters all have breast cancer. Or had! One died of it already. My daughter has had biopsies already and watches. When I was 26, I had a lump. I was attending University of Illinois and it took me three months to get to the oncology unit. Yes, this test will relieve a lot of the stress and uncertainty of the process. My tumor turned out not to be malignant but by the end of the three months I had so many of these Cystic Fibroid tumors that they said I would never know if I got a cancer tumor, so I had surgery.

    Since EVERYTHING offends the rednecks, well excepting guns and having four foot American (or Confederate) flags on their trucks, there is no hope that Obama can avoid offending them.

  12. Donald Trump never shakes hands with anyone because as he says, “Ya never know where his hand has been…” I sort of agree. We have several confirmed cases … and counting … of swine flu here in BC, including someone I know. And there have been cases in Oklahoma too. I’m not a germaphobe, but why take chances… Humans haven’t built an immunity to this disease yet. So sometimes the news can sound silly, but there is a thread of sense to it.

    And Dijon mustard? Is there any other kind!?

  13. Geewits – Mustard and condiments in general are deeply symbolic to those who live from one BBQ to the next, I guess. It’s not food if it didn’t come off the grill and it anti-American if it’s slathered with anything but redneck approved condiments.

    Sheryl – Holy crap Sheryl. I’t maddening how cavalier medical systems often are with people’s state of mind through all this. It’s such a paternalitic relationship. They wag their fingers at us all the time about stuff we are and are not allowed to do and when we get sick they expect us to sit patiently in a corner waiting for them to decide what to do and when and what they tell us. I keep saying we need a whole new profession called “medical advocates”, so when you get really sick you hire this person (or the person is appointed to you if you cannot afford one) and he/she will wade through all the bullshit for you; do the research; harass the doctors and get you the best, most efficient and most prompt service available. Of course he’ll keep you informed every step of the way and offer advice to help you make good decisions, not emotional decisions based on fear, anxiety, bullying or whatever information the doctor cares to share with you.

    Jo – Shaking hands isn’t going to infect you with anything if you wash them thoroughly afterwards and/or before touching your own face. You spread and receive more germs/viruses in conversation with a person. People are already so disconnected from each other, we don’t need viral paranoia as well to keep us all locked in our homes, glaring suspiciously at strangers, being afraid to touch or get close to anyone. Also, I think yellow mustard will probably kill you faster than swine flu

  14. “Also, I think yellow mustard will probably kill you faster than swine flu”

    Of course it will that’s what they make mustard gas from.

  15. Linsey – Maybe you’re secretly a right-wing redneck? And yes, I do believe dijonnaise is still being produced, sold and eaten

  16. my god this is better than the news, not that i watch the news but i’ve once again learned of things i did not know and i love to learn stuff.

    i totally wanted that job, was just discussing it last night.

    the whole gun/ammo hysteria frightens me on many, many levels.