One of the best things – maybe the only good thing – about winter, is that you get to wear extremely forgiving clothes. Bulky sweaters, corduroy trousers, puffy coats, clunky boots, hats, etc., etc.
Then… oops …. spring suddenly arrives and the big, loose clothes get packed away and you have to bring the snug t-shirts, tank tops, shorts, capris and sun dresses out of storage. Problem is, as we all know, spring/summer clothing tends to shrink in storage. It may be the dry air or lack of light that’s responsible for this phenomenon, I don’t know, but it seems to happen every year.
So now we have to figure out how to fit into these tiny, unforgiving clothes. Those of us who are older, wiser and more experienced, like the Panther or the Casual Perfectionist have been preparing for this eventuality for months. The rest of us have to get on the stick because the vernal equinox has come and gone; the snow has disappeared, (even in Ottawa) and the temperatures are creeping up there.
Obviously we no longer have time to screw around with Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers or any other form of “sensible” getting-in-shape. Drastic measures are called for. Here are some options:
1. Drink yourself skinny. Ya, we all know alcohol has plenty of calories – but not as much as donuts or poutine. Lots of alcohol will pretty much kill your appetite. And, if you drink until you pass out you won’t be eating or drinking anything. Bonus! Keep this up for 3 or 4 weeks and you’ll be thin in no time — something Robert Cameron (1964) knew all about. A true pioneer in the weight loss field.
2. If this doesn’t work for you, do what Elvis did and have yourself medically sedated for 5 or 6 weeks. This weight loss method was first made popular in the cult novel, Valley of the Dolls.
2. Tapeworm. Ya, they’ll lay eggs in your guts and maybe, eventually their young will infest your brain, but you’ll be happy about how quickly you shed the pounds. Eat all you want and still lose weight! Eat some raw pork or maybe order some tapeworm eggs on e-Bay and watch a trim, youthful you appear in no time. Whe you’re at your ideal weight, it might be a good idea to go see a doctor to have the tapeworm and all its offspring removed. (If you can).
4. La-mar Slimming Soap. Who knew? Wash the areas you want to trim down several times a day while in the shower with this magical product that’s been working its magical magic since 1924. What could be easier? And, as an added bonus you end up looking years younger as well!
5. Caffeine. We all know it revs up the metabolism. But who can drink that much coffee? Not me. Why not increase your caffeine intake with some caffeine tights? They are embedded with caffeine microcapsules that are released by your own body heat, mainlining caffeine right into your bloodstream.
So choose the method that you think will work best for you and start shedding that unsightly fat. In a week or two, send us some before and after photos and share your success story.
And then –yay! Welcome the warm weather!!