Short Cuts to a Summer-Friendly Physique

One of the best things – maybe the only good thing – about winter, is that you get to wear extremely forgiving clothes. Bulky sweaters, corduroy trousers, puffy coats, clunky boots, hats, etc., etc.

Then… oops ….  spring suddenly arrives and the big, loose clothes get packed away and you have to bring the snug t-shirts, tank tops, shorts, capris and sun dresses out of storage. Problem is, as we all know,  spring/summer clothing tends to shrink in storage. It may be the dry air or lack of light that’s responsible for this phenomenon, I don’t know, but it seems to happen every year.

So now we have to figure out how to fit into these tiny, unforgiving clothes. Those of us who are older, wiser and more experienced, like the Panther or the Casual Perfectionist have been preparing for this eventuality for months. The rest of us have to get on the stick because the vernal equinox has come and gone; the snow has disappeared, (even in Ottawa) and the temperatures are creeping up there.

Obviously we no longer have time to screw around with Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers or any other form of “sensible” getting-in-shape. Drastic measures are called for. Here are some options:

1. Drink yourself skinny. Ya, we all know alcohol has plenty of calories – but not as much as donuts or poutine.  Lots of alcohol will pretty much kill your appetite. And,  if you drink until you pass out you won’t be eating or drinking anything. Bonus!  Keep this up for 3 or 4 weeks and you’ll be thin in no time — something Robert Cameron (1964) knew all about. A true pioneer in the weight loss field.


2. If this doesn’t work for you, do what Elvis did and have yourself medically sedated for 5 or 6 weeks. This weight loss method was first made popular in the cult novel, Valley of the Dolls.

2. Tapeworm. Ya, they’ll lay eggs in your guts and maybe, eventually their young will  infest your brain, but you’ll be happy about how quickly you shed the pounds. Eat all you want and still lose weight! Eat some raw pork or maybe order some tapeworm eggs on e-Bay and watch a trim, youthful you appear in no time. Whe you’re at your ideal weight, it might be a good idea to go see a doctor to have the tapeworm and all its offspring removed. (If you can).


4. La-mar  Slimming Soap. Who knew? Wash the areas you want to trim down several times a day while in the shower with this magical product that’s been working its magical magic since 1924. What could be easier? And, as an added bonus you end up looking years younger as well!


5. Caffeine. We all know it revs up the metabolism. But who can drink that much coffee?  Not me.  Why not increase your caffeine intake with some caffeine tights? They are embedded with caffeine microcapsules that are released by your own body heat, mainlining caffeine right into your bloodstream.



So choose the method that you think will work best for you and start shedding that unsightly fat.  In a week or two, send us some before and after photos and share your success story.

And then –yay! Welcome the warm weather!!

28 responses to “Short Cuts to a Summer-Friendly Physique

  1. slimming soap.. well shit. why didnt you tell me about this before?

    i did the depression method and lost 20 in a couple weeks.

    of course now that things are back to normal, i might gain it all back in the blink of an eye.

    i better get on ebay for some tape worms

  2. I’ll pass on those, than-you-very-much, though it would be nice to have something other than hitting the gym every day.

  3. i agree with jobthingy. i was at my slightest after a major bout of post partum depression (skeletal, really). i may have to have another baby to get rid of the winter layer i put on.

  4. Well, I’ll tell ya… I j-just tried the rinking man dite for 2 hours now and I dunno if it’s not workin’ or not yet! After 4 vodkas and, uh, 3.. no, 8 scotch, I can’t get to the scales to, ya know – way meselfs…
    Oops! Can’t stand up real good either!
    And those damned tights are digging into my butt… arggh!

  5. Jobthingy – No, no…now that you’re done with the depression method, you can burn off some additional calories with the reconciliation/making up for lost time method.

    Mike – Aren’t you enjoying the gym, Mike? They say if you’re not enjoying the method you won’t be able to get in shape as quickly as if you were doing something you like.

    Jazz – I was hoping someone would give some of these a try. I believe the book is still available on Amazon. I’ll look forward to your blow-by-blow posts.

    Bandobras – You’d better not or I’ll sue you for blasphemy or libel or something. Now go have some decaff.

    Charlene – It’s a secret. I have this interwebby thing at home that has all sorts of crazy stuff on it.

    Laura – Surgery hurts. You have to fast for 24 hours before. And there’s all that recovery time stuff. Really cuts into your summer fun.

    CP – Yay shredding. Your Facebook thing actually gave me the idea for this post. Thanks!

    Dguzman – Gosh! Thanks.

    Meanie – That seems a bit drastic. And there’s no guarantee that you’ll have ppd afterwards either. And then you’ll just be stuck with 20 extra pounds of baby fat! I’d go with the alcohol if I were you. Or maybe the soap. That one sounds like fun, too.

    Trashee – Lordy! You’re not supposed to drink AND wear the tights at the same time. That could be dangerous. Pick one, dude.

  6. XUP – I AM enjoying the gym, but sometimes I struggle to motivate myself to go. However, the best motivator is results and, right now, I’m motivated.

  7. Mmmm, tapeworms. Makes me think of the Doctor Who episode, Partners in Crime, where the special diet pills caused peoples’ fat to turn into little Adipose creatures who then just walked away. Unforunately, like tapeworms, the process was a little hard to stop before fatality. Bit of a flaw, that. Like the Crack Whore Diet — super skinny results but death is frequently an unfortunate side effect.

  8. Mike – Good for you! And you’re right, when you start to see yourself shaping up it really drives you to keep going. It’s when you work your butt off for months and see no results that discouragement sets in.

    Loth – I’m sure they do. Why not, right? Although you may not want the whipped cream and chocolate to mainline right into your body. Best give this one another thought.

    Louise – Ya, death is an unfortunate side effect to a lot of good stuff… like life, for instance. I’m sure the jar-packed sanitized tapeworm sellers in the ad above have taken this all into consideration and will sell you only tapeworms that disappear once you’re slim and trim.

    Geewits – Noted. Thanks for the update. I’ll have to check and see if beer is on the all-alcohol diet or not.

  9. I’m working hard on a study that combines numbers 1 and 5. Early results are positive – I’m almost in my skinny jeans!

  10. I’m with VioletSky: I want some of that reducing soap. While I start the drinking diet. Wearing my caffeine tights. While searching the Intarnets for cheap tapeworms and stupor-inducing drugs. Should be able to lose a few kilos while I’m waiting for my surgery …

  11. Also? The more you drink, the drunker you get, the hotter you think you are! Ta da! DONE.

    Or, if you don’t drink, just constantly get everyone AROUND you super-drunk. The more they drink, the drunker they are, the hotter they think YOU are. Ta da! DONE AGAIN.

  12. Pingback: Feeling a bit sluggish | Urban Panthers Lair

  13. Ian – Oh boy. We’re definitely going to need photos of this. Good luck!

    Violetsky – I think it’s a great idea, too. Kind of an all-in-one solution to everything. If they can put something in that soap to wash away illness and disease and maybe some wrinkles and loose skin – that would be fabulous.

    Pinklea – Why not hedge all your bets, eh? I’m not sure if it’s wise to combine the caffeine with the tapeworms though. There’s no telling what could happen with a gut full of jacked up tapeworms.

    Lesley – Alcohol… the cause of and answer to all of life’s problems (My favourite Homer Simpson quote)

    Dr. Monkey – That’s high praise indeed coming from an actual Doctor like you.

  14. hahaha. A statement of your skepticism and disagreement with current weight loss methods, or an illustration of your uncertainty of how to lose weight?

  15. Aziza – I think the former. I’m pretty sure how safe, real weight loss is accomplished and it’s no secret magical formula. It’s very simple. Eat well and not too much and get plenty of exercise. Ta da!

    Noha – Just pick one.