Dear Pope Benedict Ex-Vee-Eye (If that is your real name…and I know it’s not…Joseph Ratzinger) (Are you any relation to that Cliff Claven/John Ratzenburger guy on Cheers, by any chance?)
So, anyway, I see you popped over to Africa the other day where 67% of all the people in the world infected with HIV/Aids live (and die) — 22 million and counting.
Your sadness and concern for these people is touching as all get out. So is your heartfelt praying for their miserable souls.
But, man oh man, I was completely blown away by that totally innovative and exciting idea you had about eradicating HIV/Aids in that part of the world:
Abstinence and Fidelity!
Jumpin’ catfish, Ben/Joe (May I call you Ben/Joe?). Why didn’t anyone else ever think of that?
And of course, you’re so ecclisiastically right! We should stop giving these crazy people condoms because it only encourages them to have sex. D’uh. A no-brainer, right? I can’t believe we’ve been standing around wringing our hands fretting about this epidemic when the solution is damn easy.
If we take away their condoms they’ll stop having sex and ergo, stop spreading around deadly viruses. Brilliant. I guess they don’t call you Pontiff for nothing, eh?
So, stop screwing around, ya’ll African people!
And all you women and children who’ve been forced into prostitution because of poverty — just cut it out, okay? You wouldn’t even be poor if you lived a more “spiritual and moral” life, right? Isn’t that pretty much your take on the situation, Joe, or did I misread that “deficit of ethics” thing and that “contraception mentality” thing?
We poor, diseased lesser mortals must be a real pain in the holy arse for you, eh, Ben/Joe? Always dragging you away from your totally awesome pope house.
Making you have to drive around in that stupid, pimped-up phone booth.
Getting your pointy hat all dusty.
Ya. It’s a good thing you and your homies don’t have to live in the Real World, eh? ‘Cuz it would really suck if you had to stop passing Judgments based on shit that was written a thousand years ago or so by who-knows-who in a language nobody has any real knowledge of anymore. Reality is so much more difficult to call. You’re well out of it.
I can’t wait for your answer to cancer. (Hey, that rhymes.)
Yours in frail humanity,
PS: How much does it rock to be the Thou that everyone aspires to be holier than?
PSS: Who does your laundry? Those holy raiments are whiter and purer than the driven snow.
Whoa — Are those sassy red strides Fratelli Rossetti?