Um… hey, Americans?
Why aren’t you visiting Canada like you use to? Sure, we know you’re having a little cash flow problem at the moment, but if you really, really liked us, you’d still want to find a way to spend time with us, wouldn’t you? We’re only a few miles away. Texans drive further to the Piggly Wiggly every day than it would take for a New Yorker to come up for the weekend.
According to the people who keep track of this stuff, US to Canada tourism is at a 36-year low !
Why? What have we done?
Haven’t we always been nice? Haven’t we harboured your draft dodgers? Don’t we send you all our best comedians and hockey players and super-models? Didn’t we just spend over $3 million to show your President a good time AND give him free cookies which everybody in the world now wants just because your President bought some? (Seriously, are people totally insane or is it just me?)
So, anyway did the President say anything about us when he got back? What did he say? Does he like us? Did he say anything bad about us? He said something, didn’t he? What? What was it? He hates us, right?
We knew it. We know you all hate us, don’t you? A 2007 study said that Americans think Canada is boring!
O.M.G.! Is there anything worse than being called boring? A relationship can recover from a lot of things, but not boring.
We don’t stand a chance next to exciting, ultra chic New York with our dowdy little matronly Toronto. And how could we ever compete with hotsy-totsy Vegas?
No wonder you can’t stand being around us. We’ve only got Niagara Falls. Sure it’s got all the kitchy trash of Vegas and a couple of casinos, but no showgirls, no quickie wedding chapels and no Wayne Newton.
We don’t blame you for preferring glitzy, glamorous LA or hot, steamy, sultry Florida over our southernmost place: Windsor, Ontario — the genital scab of the country, where the mullet is just now coming into fashion. And it’s not even warm there.
Oh! Is that it? Is it because we’re frigid? Frigid and boring? Is that what you’re saying about us? Is that why you’re staying away?
We are working on it, you know. We’re all over this new global warming therapy, for instance. So, if it’s beachy you prefer…. well, we could get beachy, we really could.
And how can you call us boring when we’ve got Cirque du Soleil, “the hauntingly beautiful circus full of whimsy and wonder that nourishes the child within you?” Eh? How?
And you’re always saying how clean and pretty we are. Doesn’t that count for anything?
Fine. Stay away. We still have the Japanese and Chinese and Germans and Dutch and those bloody Scots. We’ve got plenty going for us and they know it! And they appreciate us!
So we’ll be just peachy, thank you very much. Will you?
Because every time a frosty wind blows down from the north, you know you’ll think of us. And you know, even as the goosebumps rise on your forearms and your nipples stiffen in the chill breeze, you’ll suddenly be filled with an excruciatingly unbearable yearning for our beavertails. Oh yes you will.
 I know! THREE MILLION. I couldn’t believe it either. That’s just for security and policing. For 6 hours! It doesn’t include firefighters, paramedics, road closures and buses during the visit. Holy crap!