Yes, after much bragging about how many years it’s been since I’ve been felled by illness, I now must shamefully confess to having been gored by some stupid viral thing. It’s not bad, but it is annoying. The worst part of it has been that I’ve had no voice for almost a week — well, I’ve had some voice for some of that time, but it hasn’t been my own.
However, being the eternal Pollyanna that I am, I figured if I have to carry this thing around for a while I might as well make the best of it. So, here are some things you might want to consider next time you get sick.
- Referring to your illness by calling it “a cold” or “the flu” is so very common and pathetic-sounding. Rhinovirus or influenza sound so much cooler and exotic.
- Think of this little bout with sickness as an opportunity to shed a few pounds. Even with the rhinovirus you have little appetite, so take advantage and live on soup for a couple of weeks. A new, svelte you is something to look forward to while you’re valiantly trying to find repositories for your excess mucus and/or while becoming overly familiar with the privy.
- Sinus pressure plumps up those fine lines and wrinkles in your face taking years off you — and all for free. Make the most of this by moisturizing like mad so you’ll present as young, fresh and dewy. Add some daring, youthful dashes of make-up and people will marvel over your transformation while regarding you with envious suspicion.
- Hair doesn’t respond well to viruses. It tends to reflect the lankiness and lifelessness you feel inside. Don’t despair. This is the perfect time to sport a fetching chapeau. What’s cooler these days than hats? Nothing, that’s what. You might not normally wear one because you enjoy showing off your luxurious mane, but now’s a good time to experiment with some hip, happening headgear (this does not include ball caps). And, a hat has the added benefit of keeping your poor sick head warm and cosy, helping you to get better faster.
- It’s difficult to be cool whilst blowing or dribbling snot out of your nose, but it’s not impossible.
- First, spend the money to get really soft facial tissues so your nose doesn’t end up red and scabby. Red and scabby isn’t cool.
- Next , find a supplier of cool tissues in cool colours like black or neon pink or charming prints.
- Blow or wipe your nose with these cool tissues so that instead of looking away in disgust, people will be watching you with interest. They won’t even notice the revolting noises and slime emanating from you because they’ll be so distracted by the cool, pretty tissues.
- You will, no doubt feel self-conscious of your nasal, squeaky monotone voice because you remember how repelled you usually are by the way other people sound when they’re sick. The trick is not to try so hard. The uncool try to keep talking and projecting like normal and end up sounding like Elmer Fudd with a bad cocaine habit. Cool people use this time to be mysteriously still. You sit back with a little knowing smile; using eye contact, continental shrugs and an attractive little moue now and again to communicate. People will be astounded at your new listening skills and will want to be with you all the time and will confide all manner of important and scandalous secrets. When you do have to contribute, speak in a hushed whispery voice and be a man or woman of few words.
- A sick but thinner, younger-looking, hat-sporting, husky-voiced you, will suddenly be a much sought-after companion and party guest. Be prepared for a spike in your social calendar. Conventional wisdom says you should stay in bed and rest during an illness, but since when has that ever made you feel better? You just lay around feeling sweaty, grubby and sorry for yourself while you wallow in misery and loneliness. Take up all the invitations that will now come your way as one of the new virally cool. This will distract you enough that before you know it, you’ll be back to your old, healthy self.
Voila! Now you’re ready to enjoy your next viral infection with verve, élan and panache.