How to be Cool While Dying of the Rhinovirus

Yes, after much bragging about how many years it’s been since I’ve been felled by illness, I now must shamefully confess to having been gored by some stupid viral thing. It’s not bad, but it is annoying. The worst part of it has been that I’ve had no voice for almost a week — well, I’ve had some voice for some of that time, but it hasn’t been my own.

However, being the eternal Pollyanna that I am, I figured if I have to carry this thing around for a while I might as well make the best of it. So, here are some things you might want to consider next time you get sick.

  1. Referring to your illness by calling it “a cold” or “the flu” is so very common and  pathetic-sounding. Rhinovirus or influenza sound so much cooler and exotic.
  2. Think of this little bout with sickness as an opportunity to shed a few pounds. Even with the rhinovirus you have little appetite, so take advantage and live on soup for a couple of weeks. A new, svelte you is something to look forward to while you’re valiantly trying to find repositories for your excess mucus and/or while becoming overly familiar with the privy.
  3. Sinus pressure plumps up those fine lines and wrinkles in your face taking years off you — and all for free. Make the most of this by moisturizing like mad so you’ll present as young, fresh and dewy. Add some daring, youthful dashes of make-up and people will marvel over your transformation while regarding you with envious suspicion.
  4. Hair doesn’t respond well to viruses. It tends to reflect the lankiness and lifelessness you feel inside. Don’t despair. This is the perfect time to sport a fetching chapeau. What’s cooler these days than hats? Nothing, that’s what.  You might not normally wear one because you enjoy showing off your luxurious mane, but now’s a good time to experiment with some hip, happening headgear (this does not include ball caps). And, a hat has the added benefit of keeping your poor sick head warm and cosy, helping you to get better faster.
  5. It’s difficult to be cool whilst blowing or dribbling snot out of your nose, but it’s not impossible.
    • First, spend the money to get really soft facial tissues so your nose doesn’t end up red and scabby. Red and scabby isn’t cool.
    • Next , find a supplier of cool tissues in cool colours like black or neon pink or charming prints.
    • Blow or wipe your nose with these cool tissues so that instead of looking away in disgust, people will be watching you with interest. They won’t even notice the revolting noises and slime emanating from you because they’ll be so distracted by the cool, pretty tissues.
  6. You will, no doubt feel self-conscious of your nasal, squeaky monotone  voice because you remember how repelled you usually are by the way other people sound when they’re sick. The trick is not to try so hard. The uncool try to keep talking and projecting like normal and end up sounding like Elmer Fudd with a bad cocaine habit. Cool people use this time to be mysteriously still. You sit back with a little knowing smile;  using eye contact, continental shrugs and  an attractive little moue now and again to communicate. People will be astounded at your new listening skills and will want to be with you all the time and will confide all manner of important and scandalous secrets. When you do have to contribute, speak in a hushed whispery voice and be a man or woman of few words.
  7.  A sick but thinner, younger-looking, hat-sporting, husky-voiced you, will suddenly be a much sought-after companion and party guest. Be prepared for a spike in your social calendar. Conventional wisdom says you should stay in bed and rest during an illness, but since when has that ever made you feel better? You just lay around feeling sweaty, grubby and sorry for yourself while you wallow in misery and loneliness.  Take up all the invitations that will now come your way as one of the new virally cool. This will distract you enough that before you know it, you’ll be back to your old, healthy self.

Voila! Now you’re ready to enjoy your next viral infection with verveélan and panache.

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31 responses to “How to be Cool While Dying of the Rhinovirus

  1. Where do you get those cool tissues? I want to stock up for when this new rhinovirus starts stalking me, as I’m sure it will.

    By the way, I didn’t lose any weight the last ime I was sick back in January. I did enjoy the soup though.

  2. Get out there and spread those germs! LOL. Who else wouldn’t want to be as cool as you are now?

    I tagged you in a meme. Go to my blog, copy and paste the questions and replace my answers with your own! Or not…its up to you. 🙂

  3. “Elmer Fudd with a bad cocaine habit”

    BWAHAHAHAHA i almost spit out my tea.

    feel better soon but dont lose that coolness.

    PS: tagged over at my place

  4. Where were you with this wonderful advice last month when I was home dying of the flu? Oh, sorry, I meant INFLUENZA. All I did was whine, and then my husband got sick too so it was a double whammy. We could have used a good dose of “cool”.

    Another tip: describing your illness in French makes it sound elegant. “Sinusite” instead of “sinusitis”. See? Everything does sound better in French, even with blocked sinuses.

  5. Violetsky – I linked a cool tissue site, but you might want to check with Misster Kitty (below) he seems to have a better source.

    Hannah – Just for you, I’ve posted a new Meme Page where I’ll respond to memes once in a while.

    Meanie – Thanks. It sure would be nice.

    LoLa – What?

    Jobthingy – Thanks. Thanks, I won’t. And thanks.

    Elliotross – I think I’d remember if I were married to you or anyone else and as far as I know, I’m not. But anything’s possible. Your wife must be very cool … or maybe she’s just really sick?

    Kitty – Now THAT IS cool cubed!! You’ll have to let us know where you get them.

    Ellie – It certainly seems to be getting around. And it takes forever to shake. There are apparently 2 relapses before you’re actually finished with it. You think you’re getting better and then WHAM, you’re all sick again. Repeat. Oh well, it’s good to know we’re not alone and that we can still be cool even at death’s door.

    Bold Soul – Well, you’ll be well prepared for next time. Although let’s hope there won’t be a next time. Poor you.

    Lebowski – Are you dying of heart disease at the moment? Because I could do you a personal coolness plan immediately so you don’t have to wait for the post. You might not have that much time, right?

  6. Sigh. I have an ominous tickle in my throat that may presage my becoming increasingly cool this weekend, which would be a shame seeing as we are preparing for La fête des serpents chez moi. (You’re right, Bold Soul! Everything *does* sound better in French)

  7. I’m so sorry you’re sick with the Rhinovirus (“The virus that gores you to within one inch of your life”) but I’m with Lebowski: I look forward to a whole series of “How To” XUP Posts! (I need a lot of help. In general. Seriously.)

    Plus, I’m feeling kind of pissy that I’m not sick myself right now since you put it all like this. I want to be one of the virally cool. DAMMIT!

  8. At card shops actually… dunno why… You can get almost anything on a small pocket pack of tissue now a days.. Skull n Cross bones, bananas, 50’s retro kitchen appliances to name but a few…

  9. Alison – Oh, Alison. As much fun as it is to be this cool, in the long run this hot new virus is just not worth it. I would decline if I were you.

    Lesley – Okay, suggest a how-to or two and I’ll see what I can do. Heart disease seems a little icky. And by the way, cookie, you’re already way cooler than even the virally cool.

    Kitty – Are they soft? I don’t mind horking into some 1950s retro print tissues as long as they’re soft. Too many of those novelty items are imported from places where they don’t understand the meaning of 3-ply.

    Meanie – Not yet. I don’t want to waste a good sick day.

    Jazz – Again with the Karma! And hubris yet, too!! Damn hubris always comes back to bite you in the karma.

  10. I wish I read this last week when I started suffering from the Rhinovirus (which, BTW, sound like something you get when having inappropriate relations with a rhino) because I’ve been walking around all crusty red-nosed, puffy faced with bad hair. It’s not such a good look for me, you know? Oh well. Next time.

  11. well they’re 3 ply but feel like 1 😉

    by like Fernando Lamas say… ” It is better to look good than to feel good”

    …and I think there might be melamine in them too! lol

  12. Yeah, right, as if Kitty is going to share his stash of leopard-print snot rags.

    Now, that voice of yours: Could it be put to good use by charging a buck-ninety-nine a minute to talk dirty to someone on the phone? If so, let me know, and I will call.

  13. Ah, yes. This is going around isn’t it. I became one today with my Vicks inhaler in an effort to tame the mucous dam in my sinuses. Didn’t help much but it smells good, and not much else smells at all right now so that’s a plus.

    Too bad http://www.thetissuestore.com doesn’t ship outside the US — they carry a boatload of novelty tissues, mostly by Sniff.

  14. XUP, the generous knower of all things! I had no idea that it was remotely even possible to be cool when ill, and now, here you give us a step-by-step guide on how to do it. I almost wish I was sick – almost!

  15. Hmmmm I have been sick over two weeks and all everyone says to me is : Go back to your office until nothing is coming out your nose.

    People in the U.S. are harsh.

  16. CP – Me too! I don’t make a very good sick person.

    Mo – Let’s hope there isn’t a next time. Sounds like you’ve had your share for a few years to come at least.

    Kitty – Good old Fernando. I don’t know why he never had his own talk show.

    Bob – Hey if you’re getting phone sex for $1.99 per minute, I’d stick with that if I were you.

    Louise – I haven’t had a Vicks inhaler for decades. I’m all about the saline flush these days. It’s the latest, greatest thing.

    Eyeteaguy – Thanks dude. I made the acquaintance of the Friar not too long ago and am honoured by the comparison. I’ve seen you over there. And now you’re here, so I suppose I’ll have to come visit your blog next. Come again and feel free to hijack. I don’t have all those rules like the Friar does.

    Pinklea – Well, I’m sure you will be some time. I only hope you’ll remember this guide when you’re in the throes of some affliction and be cool.

    Cedar – Now you can wow then with the new virally cool you!! Won’t they be surprised? They’ll be clamoring around your office now.

  17. Louise – I didn’t know Oprah was endorsing nasal irrigation these days. Is there no orfice that woman can keep her fingers out of?

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