This coming weekend, my precious little baby girl is going on her first real date. Oh, there’ve been boys in the picture for ages and lots of group outings or couples’ outings, but someone’s parent always drove or they took the bus (back in the golden halcyon days of public transit).
This date is one-on-one though.
And with the boy driving. (cue the ominous music).
The moment that my palpitating heart has pre-lived with dread on more that one 3:00 am session of insomnia. The moment when I’d send my child off in a car driven by a teenager.
I haven’t met this boy, but have quizzed her extensively:
- He’s 17 and in grade 12 (she’s 16 and in grade 10). (+1 point)
- He goes to a different school at the other end of the neighbourhood and lives close by. (+1 point)
- She met him at work. (+ 1 point)
- He has 2 part-time jobs. (+2 points)
- He plays hockey. (+ 1 point)
- He wants to be an architect. (I immediately pictured Art Vandeley). (+1 point for making me think of Seinfeld).
She showed me his picture on Facebook and he actually looks like a real human being — as opposed to the usual lineup of rat-faced, pencil-necked, dim-witted yobs I’d grown accustomed to her being dazzled by over the last couple of years. (+ 2 points)
He asked her out over a week ago (+1 point) and did it by text. (-3 points) She says he’s very shy. (-1 point).
I said, “Well, I hope he’s not painfully shy because he’s coming in to sit and chat for a while before you go out.”
“WWWHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTT?” she screeched (painfully). DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EMBARASSING THAT IS?”
“So is a prostrate exam, honey, but he’ll have to submit to that sooner or later, too.”
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”
And so began a (so far) 10-day battle over why I’m insisting on meeting this shy, handsome teenager who intends to drive my daughter off into the night in his own car versus why I’m always trying to ruin her life to make sure she’s miserable, alone and unhappy until the day she dies.
Why do I have to meet him?
- Because I want to make sure he’s not a total and complete idiot and if he is, yes, I will call the whole date off. (OH MY GOD MOTHER!!!)
- Because I want to quiz him on his driving qualifications.
- Because I want him to know there is someone attached to this girl he’s taking out who will feed him his own testicles if he harms one hair on her head and/or doesn’t drive like he’s taking his brittle-boned great-grandmother on her first ever outing in an automobile.
Is this totally unreasonable of me? Isn’t this what parents do who don’t want to spend the entire evening of the date peering out the window with their finger on the 911 speed-dial button?
Except my parents. On my very first real date my Dad just said, “Fine. Start going around with guys now. Just make sure I never see any of them. And we lock the doors at 11:00 in this house.”
 Good thing she never reads my blog, eh? heh, heh, heh.