A Comprehensive Guide to Infidelity

I guess by now everyone has heard about the Australian woman who thought her husband was cheating on her and set his genitals on fire which caused him to jump up in surprise which caused him to knock over a bottle of alcohol which caused the genital fire to spread throughout their entire house, burning it (the house and, I guess the genitals) to the ground and killing the husband?

Well, in order to prevent any further tragedies like this, I thought it might be wise to offer some suggestions on how you can make sure your spouse/partner never cheats on you.

  1. Insist on sexual intercourse several to many times a day so that eventually the very thought of physical intimacy makes them cringe and cower in fear. (Caution: This might backfire if you don’t have a lot more stamina than your partner.)
  2. Consistently and methodically mock your partner’s overall looks (focusing specifically on their sexual organs) and ridicule their sexual prowess until they are completely unable to function sexually. (Caution: This might backfire if they meet someone who pays them even the smallest compliment)
  3. Manipulate your partner’s life so that he/she becomes completely housebound and isolated. Buy a house a considerable distance away from other houses. Don’t let them have a job (the workplace is a notorious hotbed of extra-martial lust). Do not have milk or newspapers delivered to the house and never have service/repair people come to your home when you’re not there. Do not allow computers or telephones in the house. (Caution: This might backfire if your partner snaps and kills you in your sleep).

 If any or all of these suggestions do backfire, use this checklist to determine if your partner might be cheating:

  1. You discover unexplained stains and/or smells in their clothing.
  2. You discover your partner just got back from a weekend in the Pocono Palace Resort.
  3. You discover a stranger either on or under your partner.

If you determine that, yes, your partner is indeed being unfaithful, you have several options. (Surprisingly, setting their genitals on fire and/or removing their genitals are not even on the list of good options.)

  1. Make them promise never to do it again, convince yourself you believe them and then pretend everything is fine.
  2. Tell them you forgive them, but then get your revenge on a day-to-day basis by making their lives a living hell.
  3. Kick their ass to the curb.

In my new position as infidelity guru, I’ll be more than happy to answer any questions you may have on these or any other infidelity-related issues.


21 responses to “A Comprehensive Guide to Infidelity

  1. Here’s a good way to encourage fidelitly. From the very beginning, warn your partner that IF they were ever to be stupid enough to cheat on you, that your sole purpose in life will become to make their life a living hell. That they would be better off dead.

    Trust me it works. (I was on the receiving end)
    Fear of the Queen’s wrath goes a long way.

    Actually, I have very strong feelings on fidelity. Both my father and grandfather were habitual adulterous bastasds (blantly adulterous). I saw the fallout from their behaviors and swore I would break the cycle. I have. Never have I cheated. Ever. And when I took my marriage vows, I took them seriously. I didn’t get married until I was 33. I got married for the right reasons, at the right time. And it is for life (she’ll have to kill me to get rid of me)

  2. Wow. I’m at my friend Pixie’s house and I read her your insightful post. She would like you to know that, when she discovered her partner was cheating, she took all the same steps in the same order. You really ARE a guru on the subject! I’m terribly impressed.

    Totally aside, we should do coffee not this weekend, but next. Put me on your calendar if you’re around. That would be me, The Maven, and not Pixie, although I’m sure you’d enjoy her company as well. She’ll just have to wait for your self-help seminars.

  3. Well, decades ago, I was the cheater (and by the way, boy was I sorry). I’m thrilled you weren’t around with advice for the cheatee. I might never have recovered to be the wonderful cheatless person I am today.

  4. There is no way of ensuring fidelity in a partner short of solitary confinement, and the Criminal Code kinda frowns on individuals trying to do that to someone.

    The best option is c.

    And the timing of this is eerie. In the past week, two good friends of mine have discovered that their significant others have been unfaithful. I don’t envy them what they are going through right now.

  5. I recall once reading that if a person is gonna then they are gonna. There’s really nothing you can do if your partner chooses to get some strange.
    Of course one of the bonuses to getting strange is that it might actually make things a bit more exciting in bed – if you are both “emotionally evolved” to accept that kind of thing.
    Personally – being a knuckle dragging un-evolved simian I don’t actually believe it. Mind you I have cuckolded many a woman in my past – probably why I am single.
    And I only once had flaming genitals but a prescription fixed that up in no time!

    Welcome to the TMI lounge.

  6. I agree with Lesley. This is quite possibly the most romantic thing I’ve ever read!

    I guess setting someone’s bits ablaze is one way to handle it. I think I’m more of a kick your ass to the curb kind of gal. But I suppose I won’t know until I’m there.

    I wonder what kind of damage one of those creme brulee blow torches can inflict?

  7. Of course one of the things that Rusty Trombone might like to consider is that being unfaithful when one partner doesn’t know can lead to a lifetime involvement with any number of interesting diseases.
    As for setting genitals on fire, sure it sounds like fun till someone puts an eye out.

  8. Lost – I’m not completely sure what you’re getting at, but my newspaper boy is a scary old woman.

    Reeky – Glad to hear you take your vows seriously without threats and fear of retribution hanging over your head. Because that just wouldn’t be right.

    The Maven – Okay, you’re on. Actually I do believe Alison & Nat & I are meeting for lunch next Saturday and it would be way cool if you want to come too? ‘

    Lesley – I try to cover a very wide range of options, possibilities and interests.

    Laura – Glad to hear you’re a recovering cheater and that no one took my advice at the time. Actually, I sincerely hope no one ever takes my advice on this.

    Alison – Really, if you have even the slightest inkling that you’re not going to be able to keep it in your pants, don’t get married. And, if somewhere along the line you fall for someone else, have it out with your spouse BEFORE you go sneaking off behind their back. That’s just what civilized grown-ups do.

    Rusty – Yup, you really are baring your all here today. I’m sure you’ve learned your lesson in the areas of both infidelity and communicable diseases and would now make someone a fine husband if only you weren’t old and decrepit. Oh well.

    Mo – Thanks Mo. Coming from you that means a great deal because I know you are the queen of romance. I’d be very curious to know how she managed to set his hoolies on fire without him noticing until they were ablaze. I imagine some sort of accelerant must have been used?? Interesting mind to come up with a solution like that. Her answer was she only wanted to make sure that her husband belonged only to her.

    Bandobras – I hope everyone here has taken particular note of the fact that I in no way endorse or recommend the blazing genital solution. In fact, I believe I quite pointedly speak against it. It’s dangerous. It’s not worth burning down your whole house for. There are better ways, people. And, as for Rusty, I think he hinted that he was now a reformed character. Of course it’s easy to be faithful when you’re single.

  9. jeez.. you should write a book or something. OH I KNOW! ask the maven to hook you up with Dr Phil’s number. she stalks him enough on tv so i would think by now she must have him in speed dial also (if he actually knows this i am not sure)

    so i had not heard about this woman but i must say, that is quite the story.. i think i am now going to put it on my crackbook page LOL

  10. I’m my husband’s third wife; his second and third marriage occurred as a direct result of his infidelity. I’m neither blind nor stupid and I rather suspect that our marriage has a good chance of ending the same way, but he’s such a seriously good man that I’ll take my chances.

    Because I know that he is statistically likely to cheat, I have a certain sense of humour about it. I’m not going to assume that this is forever (but of course I do hope it is.) This keeps me on my toes, actively working on remaining the woman he fell in love with. No complacency allowed, no allowing the relationship to slump and become stale.

    I know the stakes in the “game” I’m playing. I can’t say that’s a bad thing.

  11. Hmmmmm. This is a tough one. I’ve never understood the rage, murder, and maiming that results from infidelity. I was raised in a manner that made sex seem more like scratching an itch or something akin to eating when you’re hungry. I can’t imagine my husband cheating but I suppose I would be very calm and say something like, “Well, you can have Wednesdays with her, but you have to pay me $100 each Wednesday to eat out and party on my own.” But I’m weird like that.

  12. Jobthingy – Dr. Phil makes me cringe. Once upon a time, way, way back when he first arrived on the scene he actually made a bit of sense — now he’s all about the sensational and shameless self-promotion.

    Susan- Or he could be totally worn out with all the philandering by now and stick with you. Like a lot of criminals, adulterers eventually get tired and quit after a certain age. I hope he’s working just as hard at keeping you interested and happy. (Well, “the dress” certainly was an excellent move).

    Geewits – That IS weird. Ha ha. I think part of the fun of cheating is sneaking around and getting away with something. If your guy knows you don’t really care, then that probably takes the zip right out of adultery for him. Anyway, I couldn’t be bothered plotting revenge either. I’d just send him on his way if he’s found somewhere he’d rather be.

  13. I know someone called Dr. Phil – he’s 14 years old and he got into trouble because he had sex with his 16 year old neighbor. Her parents caught it on their webcam. They were trying to find out if the nanny was stealing stuff.

  14. I think inflamed genitalia may have been what got the guy in trouble in the first place! 🙂

    I left WHN (WHN = What’s Her Name = The Ex) before I would cheat on her. When it gets to the point where you’d seriously rather be with someone other than your spouse, you may want to think about calling it a night.

    Also, I would think adultery tends to throw a wrench into an otherwise smooth running break-up and divorce. Does one really want to add an extra dollop of bitterness to an already unpleasant situation?

    I think your position as Infidelity Guru (head of the Cheat Elite, as it were), can add a much-needed breath of fresh air to the subject. Well done.

    Yasher Koach (as they say in the Vatican)! 😉

  15. i had not heard of that news story, very interesting.

    personally, i’m not sure how i would handle infidelity. i felt very strongly about it before i got married, it was unacceptable. having been married with kids, it would depend on the relationship as a whole.

    another way to look at it, the non-cheating partner could get alimony for life 😉

  16. Rusty – I think it’s a different Dr. Phil. But an amusing story.

    Falstaff – Problem is, I think, that many people who cheat have no intention of leaving their spouses. They’re not thinking about divorce, or bitterness or even their significant others finding out. They’re not thinking at all — just goin’ with the groin vibe.

    Cedar – I’m sure they wanted to. I can see them sitting around the newsroom coming up with all sorts of pithy headlines. But then the editors came along…

    DP – I don’t think that happens anymore ..alimony. You might be able to squeeze some child support out of him, but the ex-spouse is pretty much left to fend for themselves. I haven’t heard of anyone getting alimony lately, have you? Maybe I’m just out of the loop.

  17. actually i have, but you are right in that it isn’t as common anymore. we have a neighbor that’s been paying alimony for the past 10 years or so and he says he has to for life unless she gets married again. i feel sorry for that guy.