A Comprehensive Guide to Infidelity

I guess by now everyone has heard about the Australian woman who thought her husband was cheating on her and set his genitals on fire which caused him to jump up in surprise which caused him to knock over a bottle of alcohol which caused the genital fire to spread throughout their entire house, burning it (the house and, I guess the genitals) to the ground and killing the husband?

Well, in order to prevent any further tragedies like this, I thought it might be wise to offer some suggestions on how you can make sure your spouse/partner never cheats on you.

  1. Insist on sexual intercourse several to many times a day so that eventually the very thought of physical intimacy makes them cringe and cower in fear. (Caution: This might backfire if you don’t have a lot more stamina than your partner.)
  2. Consistently and methodically mock your partner’s overall looks (focusing specifically on their sexual organs) and ridicule their sexual prowess until they are completely unable to function sexually. (Caution: This might backfire if they meet someone who pays them even the smallest compliment)
  3. Manipulate your partner’s life so that he/she becomes completely housebound and isolated. Buy a house a considerable distance away from other houses. Don’t let them have a job (the workplace is a notorious hotbed of extra-martial lust). Do not have milk or newspapers delivered to the house and never have service/repair people come to your home when you’re not there. Do not allow computers or telephones in the house. (Caution: This might backfire if your partner snaps and kills you in your sleep).

 If any or all of these suggestions do backfire, use this checklist to determine if your partner might be cheating:

  1. You discover unexplained stains and/or smells in their clothing.
  2. You discover your partner just got back from a weekend in the Pocono Palace Resort.
  3. You discover a stranger either on or under your partner.

If you determine that, yes, your partner is indeed being unfaithful, you have several options. (Surprisingly, setting their genitals on fire and/or removing their genitals are not even on the list of good options.)

  1. Make them promise never to do it again, convince yourself you believe them and then pretend everything is fine.
  2. Tell them you forgive them, but then get your revenge on a day-to-day basis by making their lives a living hell.
  3. Kick their ass to the curb.

In my new position as infidelity guru, I’ll be more than happy to answer any questions you may have on these or any other infidelity-related issues.