2009: A Retrospective

Natural Phenomena

Annual average temperatures in the northern hemisphere were far, far lower than any other year in recorded history, while annual average temperatures in the southern hemisphere were far, far higher. This can’t be good.


Due, no doubt, to the global economic crisis, shops, businesses, governments and even stock exchanges closed their doors in 2009. My fridge is looking kind of bare.

In a related story, a huge percentage of the earth’s population has not worked in 2009.


Crime statistics have been way down in 2009. Canada recorded only 4 murders for the year, while other violent and non-violent crimes were down over 80% internationally.


Television was a bleak wasteland of program repeats that were really bad the first time around.


Many humans spent 2009 feeling bloated and/or hungover.

Others reported an annual average increase in sexual activity for 2009.  Personally, not to brag or anything, but…twice a day every day!


We still don’t have jet-packs.


20 responses to “2009: A Retrospective

  1. No, no, no, no. TV rocked in 2008! (Uh, you know, not counting that Operation Repo crap we discussed earlier.) Though, if I had a jet-pack I’d spend far less time watching TV and far more zooming around in the upper atmosphere. Wait. Do jet packs go that high? MINE WOULD.

  2. Yesterday, my daughters constructed jet packs by tying pillows onto their backs with skipping ropes. The handles of the ropes, which were tied around their chests, were the jet pack controls. They zoomed around the house loudly. What they lacked in altitude, they more than made up for in helpless laughter and zooming noises.

  3. Dr. Monkey – Me too — especially since we seem to have no more buses in Ottawa.

    Lebowski – Aw – you’ll make up for it by slacking while the rest of us are working

    Lesley – I’m pretty sure I know what you meant. And, yes jet packs should be able to go high…but not so high that you’d run out of oxygen because that would be no good

    Alison – Freaky coincidence or psychic connection? You be the judge.

    LGS – I’ll try not to be so cryptic in the future. And 4 murders seems like a lot for 24 hours, doesn’t it? Considering we only had 6 the whole year in Ottawa.

    Violetsky – Oh ya!

  4. I didn’t know Texas was in the southern hemisphere. It must be because we’ve had crazy high temperatures. It was 73° today and will be 80° tomorrow. And where are the flying cars and a robot to clean my house?

  5. And in Canadian politics, there was no talk of a coalition government ousting Stephen Harper’s minority Conservatives. Meanwhile, it has been effing snowing in Vancouver for half of 2009 already.

  6. You forgot one!

    One hunky NYC actor leaves his wife and takes up with some mysterious blonde woman in Illinois.


  7. Geewits – How about southern part of the northern hemisphere? And ya, they lied about a lot of stuff that would happen in the future.

    Loth – I know. Sorry

    Pinklea – Yes 2009 has been pretty quiet on the Canadian political front. Mainly because there was no government, I think.

    Debra – Is this a future prediction, wishful thinking or something that actually happened in 2009?

    Lesley – Not new at all. Old and occasional.

  8. Yeah, what’s with the STILL no jet packs? I think they’re out there, and it’s all about who you know. Elitists!

    Here’s wishing for a 2009 that is free, just and holds jet packs for all!

  9. Ha. Ha. Ha. V. accurate. V. disappointed w. lack of jetpacks. Will report complaint via web log. Will drown sorrow via the Wire. The Wire is v. good show. Recommend to all. Indeed.

  10. Deb – There seems to be quite a demand for them. It could be just the thing to drag the automotive industry out of their slump. (Not to mention they’re fuel efficient)

    Mama Zen – They’re available on Amazon? Cool.

    Davis – Thanks for your verbal economy Davis

  11. Grandy – Ha. You’ll notice This twice a day every day thing only applied to one day this year. When I’m looking at a 365 day year it averages out to much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much less.