Spankin’ the Monkey

(Note: Sorry, no photos)

The following conversation was recently overheard at the office. Co-workers Mimsy and Lily were discussing their teenaged sons. (Note: This conversation has been condensed considerably in order to highlight only the salient points and not bore you to tears with interminable digressions).

Mimsy:  My son, Willy is such a slob, I hate even going into his room. His clothes and his stuff are everywhere and his floor around and under his bed is littered with used Kleenex.

(Uma and I, in the next cubicle are trying to work, as usual. We look at each other and stifle a giggle)

Lily: What’s with all the Kleenex?

Mimsy: I don’t know. He has allergies or something. He has to blow his nose a lot, he says.

(Uma and I laugh silently, but heartily)

Lily: Wow, has he had allergy tests?

Mimsy: No, he won’t go. And they’re usually not too bad. It must be something in his bedroom. We might have to take up the carpeting. I hate going in there and having to pick up all those crusty Kleenexs every week.

(Uma and I, weak with supressed laughter have slid out of our chairs and are somewhat awash with tears of mirth)

Lily: Well, I guess I’m lucky. My little Dickie is quite tidy. He even gets up early and washes his own top sheet several times a week!

Mimsy: Really? Does he do any other laundry? And why would he wash his top sheet so much?

Lily: He does a lot of art in his room and he says he keeps getting paint on the sheet.

(Uma and I, on the floor, are unable to catch our breaths and are turning unbecoming shades of red)

Uma: (gasping for air whilst trying to whisper discretely)…Oh my god…should we…tell them???

Me: (hyperventilating and wiping eyes) Nah…

The conversation in the next cubicle eventually turns to other matters, giving us a chance to recover. Then:

Uma: (Earnestly) Thank goodness my little Randy is only 12 and too young for that stuff.

Me: (Loudly) Bwah-ha-HA-HA-ha-ha-ha-ha (Note: I have three younger brothers)

Uma: (Shocked) WHAT ?  No way!!!  SHUT UP!!! He’s too young  ………………………………………………….. isn’t he? ………………………  And he never washes his sheets and there are no crusty Kleenexs or sports socks under his bed ….. (she says pleadingly)

Me: How long does he stay in the shower?

Uma looks stunned.

So, off we went to consult some of the guys to see at what age boys begin developing allergies and/or a passion for long showers and/or begin doing art projects in their bedrooms.

The guys claimed not to be able to remember. We reckon maybe they were just shy.

Sooo, here’s an anonymous poll that will help Uma (and other women like her) understand their sons a little better. Feel free to add any comments/advice/amusing anecdotes to this post that you feel might further help Uma (and other women like her) avoid unnecessarily embarassing their sons with questions about their laundry, allergies, bathing habits, large baggy pants or clandestine reading material.

And, because this is an equal opportunity blog, after the men’s poll, I have posted the same poll for women, though I’m sure women don’t engage in such unwholesome activity.

I shall be interested to see how the results will compare, won’t you?

Men’s Poll

Women’s Poll


And…If you’re still in the mood to vote on stuff and haven’t voted yet in the Canadian Blog Awards, why not head on over here and scroll down to vote for XUP in the Best New Blog category? If elected, I promise to insist on World Peace.

32 responses to “Spankin’ the Monkey

  1. I would have voted but unlike the text in the posting itself I can’t enlarge the poll part so can’t see it. I have no idea why my eyesight is so bad.

  2. This is one of those conversations that is rarely caught in the wild. It’s like a perfectly crafted comedy sketch, only better, as the ones making the jokes are truly unaware of the humour. I don’t know how you managed to stay silent throughout!

  3. I don’t remember how old I was (11-12?), but I can remember it became a regular occurrence when I discovered “The Twenty Minute Workout” on the Montreal CTV affiliate.

    1:48 (“…and hands around the ankles…”) is pretty much the moment when my generation became men.

  4. I’m DYING over here!

    This mom to three boys is high-fiving you, and wise to why her son has so much kleenex near his bed. I just make him clean his room, that’s all 😉

  5. Shit – I still have Kleenex next to my bed.
    and I wash my sheets myself every week.
    But I don’t wank all that much.

  6. OMG! Hilarious…

    But I have to thank you XUP… I have learned a new word… “Wanking”… I’ll keep it mind… Santiago is eleven… and starting to take long showers…

    have a good day!

  7. Well look at you, posting on a salacious subject designed to get lots of hits, and then slipping in the reminder to vote for you on the CBA site. Well played, my friend, well played. I’m so glad we’re not competing in the same category.

    And my mention of David Bowie’s penis in yesterday’s post was entirely coincidental. Honest.

  8. Oh, that is just wonderful. My sons both still have beds full of stuffed toys. I have kind of assumed that my heads up warning (actually, that’s not a good phrase to have picked really) will be when the toys are evicted. But of course, I could be wrong………..

  9. SPORTS SOCKS? Why didn’t I think of that about 35 years ago?

    Funny, isn’t it, how you have to fight with your 11-year-old to take a shower? Then he turns 12 and suddenly discovers personal hygiene. Methinks Lily and Mimsy were testing each other, to see whether the whole kleenex/shower thing is normal with pre-teen sons, or if one of them is raising a sex addict. Still, I would have loved to have heard the conversation firsthand — no pun intended.

    Have you ever seen the list of Star Wars terms for, um, wanking? My favourite: Scratching Yoda behind the ears.

  10. I discovered wanking quite by accident. I was having orgasms before I even knew what they were. It was an eye opening moment when I saw the word for the first time, looked it up and realized I had been doing that for a couple of years. I called it “getting tickly”

  11. Bandobras – Now why did I know you’d be the first respondent?

    Susan – This conversation happened about a week or so ago, but we can’t stop talking about it. It truly was ridiculous.

    Gabriel – I think that could be a whole other poll — at what moment did you become a man? Thanks

    Maven – I think if you grew up with brothers, you have no problem figuring out the answers to those odd things your sons are up to. I’m glad to hear you’re wise because I was starting to think all mothers had a mental block when it came to their own boys. (Like fathers do with their daughters who they believe are virgins even after marriage, even after their 3rd child)

    Lebowski – So what are you saying? That these boys really do have allergies and art projects?

    Kitty – Nice image.

    Guillermo – What about “spanking’ the monkey”? Had you heard that one before? Glad to hear little Santiago is so concerned about his personal hygiene

    Alison – What a devious mind you have. The two things are entirely coincidental. When I look at the other blogs in my category, I don’t even know how they’re going to choose winners. There are some pretty awesome new blogs – people who actually have real, important and well-researched stuff to say.

    UP – Yes, I’m afraid they are. They are both good, god-fearing women who I’m positive would never think of their children and anything sexual at the same time.

    Kitty – Good catch. The pseudonyms were carefully chosen to reflect character. The details of the conversation are absolutely true – as I said I just condensed them for the sake of brevity and getting to the point.

    Loth – How old are these sons? Keep a close eye on the poll results so you can figure out when a good time would be to start leaving Kleenex in their rooms

    Bob – You never thought of sports socks? Holy crap. I think they’re neck in neck with Kleenex. Mom doesn’t look too closely at the crusty socks under your bed or, if you’re on the ball, toss them in the laundry every few weeks when you run out and no one’s the wiser. Kleenex just pile up. And run out. And then someone has to buy you more. The shower, I would think is #1 – evidence is instantly washed away and no fusty smells in your room. It’s never too late, Bob. And trust me, these women absolutely did NOT and still do not know what they’re sons are up to. See my response to UP above.

    Jazz – Aw, that’s cute. I’ve heard that from some other women — that they’d been doing it since they were quite young, but didn’t know until much, much later exactly what they’d been doing. Here’s to getting tickly!

  12. Hey Wake up, brush my teeth, start breakfast, read XUP.
    Us retirees like our routines you know.
    I’d appreciate it if you could have your updates posted before 8am from now on.

  13. Have you ever seen the show “Weeds”? There is an AWESOME clip from this show regarding this topic. (I know Youtube has the one I’m thinking of, but I don’t have the link handy.)

    No, that’s not a euphemism for anything.
    No, there was pun intended.


    I think little kids discover the sensation pretty early and then it isn’t until later that they do it on purpose.

    Poor Mimsy and Lily… 😉

  14. I AM DYING.

    I am also really grateful I have daughters, because it appears by the poll I’ll probably have a few more years before I have to deal with this. So what do girls do to cover up “the activity?”

    Now I’m off to go vote for your blog.

    Happy (American) Thanksgiving to you and yours!

  15. um raino… girls diddle in the middle too ya know….

    And UM Kimberly while I can’t speak from experience (as a girl) I can tell you that 3 femail friends of mine over the years commented on their admiration of those massaging shower heads on the ‘telephone’ extension… They all said they’d be lost in the shower without em and their relationships would suffer…

  16. I never knew adults were so unperceptive. lol, good laugh.

    And thankfully, I no longer share a room with my brother, which made things (among “wanking”) difficult.

  17. Bandobras – I try, I try, but sometimes I can’t quite make the 8:00 am deadline. But hey, it gives you something to look forward to all day, right?

    CP – I think that, like women who deliberately do not notice their husbands’ affairs, some parents deliberately do not notice what their kids are up to.

    Kimberly – As Kitty says, daughters do it, too — there’s just no mess to cover up, but it will explain the slightly fusty smell in your daughters’ rooms

    Raino, Raino, Raino – check the poll results above — oddly enough the women’s stats show them starting at a much younger age than men.

    Kitty – Too distracting. Isn’t it interesting though that the poll results are showing the women beginning much younger??

    Missy – It’s these little things that keep me actually showing up every day. Thanks for voting.

    Aziza – People see what they want to see; whether it’s about their kids or their partners or their friends. And yes, sharing a room with a brother can get pretty sketchy.

  18. XUP… as in most things, the female of the species develops earlier… and that includes, so it seems, sexual self gratification… if you care to extrapolate, you can therefore also conclude that females will go to hell before males…


  19. Kitty – Judging by all the comments you’ve left, I can see this post has really touched you in a special way.

    Bandobras – I’m sure you guys would adjust just like the women would if/when all the men disappear.

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  21. XUP, This post and your comments are so funny! You are completely right about mothers and fathers who think their “boys” are virgin, even when they are grandparents…….
    I really congratulaty you, the day was boreing until this!
    Saludos y muchos exitos a todos
    Juan I

  22. Kitty – Then my work here is done.

    Juani – Thank you! And thanks so much for visiting and leaving a comment. Come back again and I hope to brighten your day another time.