5 Mysteries of the Universe Explained

It’s been a while since my Crack Team of Researchers and Investigators has produced anything, but rest assured they have been hard at work. Today, after months of intensive scientific exploration, I am pleased to present their report explaining some of life’s heretofore most puzzling mysteries.sock

Mystery #1 – Missing Socks: It’s a cliché by now that you never get the same matching pairs of socks out of the laundry that you put in. A sock or two always goes missing and even more oddly, strange new socks appear – socks with stripes or cartoon characters you don’t ever remember owning.

Explanation #1: When humans first began hunting, capturing and using socks to cover the most abominable part of their anatomy, socks began to develop survival techniques. Socks do not thrive in captivity; their live spans are shortened considerably and they are unable to reproduce. So, over the centuries socks have developed shape-shifting abilities which are triggered by extreme moisture followed by extreme dry heat. They can change colour, texture, design and even become invisible. To the human owner it then looks like one or more socks no longer have mates and they are then tucked away and forgotten in the back of some drawer in hopes that the mate will eventually show up. Left alone, without stress socks can then plan and make their escape back to the wild.

Mystery #2 – Dust Bunnies: Every week we vacuum and every week new ethereal wisps of unknown material appear in corners of our bedrooms, living rooms and dens — behind dressers, beds. What are these things? My Crack Team took some back to the lab for analysis.

dust1

Explanation #2: It turns out that dust bunnies are in fact something the Crack Team calls “paranormal hairballs”. It seems that spirits of the dear departed must linger on earth until they have divested themselves of all of their earthly humanness. This doesn’t happen all at once, so they wait on ghostly benches in people’s homes, like travellers at a train station,  coughing up these remnants of their corporal being. Once they’ve spewed out the last bit they’re free and are allowed to go into the light.

Mystery #3 – Stuff that goes missing only to turn up in a spot you’ve already checked seventeen times. You’re on your way out the door and you can’t find your keys. They’re not where you always leave them, so you frantically turn the house upside down looking for them. They’re nowhere. You end up taking your spare key or another family member’s key. At the end of the day, you get home and there are your keys – where you always leave them. 

Explanation #3: Aliens. Yes, aliens do exist and they do come to earth once in a while. They come not to abduct and probe humans, however. No, they come to take our stuff. They examine it, see how it works, what it does, maybe make copies for their own use and then give it back. Think about it – if you were going to a strange planet would you take some loud, obnoxious, sweaty alien to poke or would you take some of their cool gadgets? What good is an alien when you could have a phaser? Or a tricorder? Or a transporter?

Mystery #4 – The Smell of Subway Restaurants: You know that smell is supposed to be their “freshly baking” sub buns, but if you’ve ever actually smelled real bread baking you know this smell is nothing like real bread baking. For about one half of a second Subway Restaurants smell good and then the smell starts to make your stomach churn.

Explanation #4: Of course, as you’ve no doubt guessed it has something to do with the flour used in the baking. The base for every Subway Restaurant bun is something they call “special subway flour,” which is actually that greyish-black dust that collects between subway rails. Cities with subways pay Subway Restaurants a substantial fee for collecting this dust on a monthly basis. It is then cleaned and bleached through a special, top-secret Subway Restaurant cleaning and bleaching process, combined with salt, yeast and the special flavours unique to Subway Restaurants (honey, oregano, whole grain) and baked up fresh daily at every Subway Restaurant location.  And, because they aren’t subject to fluctuating wheat prices, Subway Restaurants can continue to offer affordable, low calorie (and gluten-free)  lunches to its customers.

Mystery #5 – Corn. Yummy, crisp, buttery corn. Right off the cob, frozen niblets or even canned and creamed.  The corn goes in your mouth. You chew the corn up with your teeth. You swallow the corn. It travels down to your stomach where it’s exposed to acids corrosive enough to take the paint off your car. The corn then continues its journey through a few miles of intestines. Then out it comes – completely intact. What the hell?

Explanation #5: This one had the Crack Team stumped for months until; upon microscopic examination they discovered that corn was actually not food at all, but a plastic polymer with amazing attributes. (Native North Americans referred to it as Amaize for that very reason. And also because they were amazed to see white people actually eating it. That made for some raucous stories and speculation around the camp fire on many an evening, let me tell you) Anyway, each kernel is compose of two flexible, pliable plastic parts – an inner and outer portion. We can mash them up with our teeth or even a blender and they separate and look like they’ve been masticated. Once they hit stomach acids, however, they resort back to their original shapes AND develop strong magnetic properties that allow the inside of each kernel to be reunited with the exact outside of the kernel from which they were originally separated. It’s a miracle of nature. It really is.corn_in_poop

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28 responses to “5 Mysteries of the Universe Explained

  1. subway flour. wow, never suspected.

    “…cleaned and bleached through a special, top-secret Subway Restaurant cleaning and bleaching process…”

    how devious. (so funny)

    never trusted that franchise. didn’t like that they cut the rolls in a way to trick the customer into thinking there was more on the sandwich than there really was.

    more devious.

  2. My husband blames aliens for most things. That or Reptoids.

    Oh and I hate the smell of Subway, your explanation makes so much sense! Thanks, Crack Team!

  3. “Crack” team is the most accurate description of anything I’ve ever heard or read, because each member is addicted to it.

    However, I’ll never eat a Subway sandwich again. I don’t care that they give double points on the day after a Senators win. That doesn’t happen very often, anyway.

    And come to think of it, I’ve never seen an Indian — sorry, a North American Native Aboriginal — eating corn. What sounds like grunting and jibberish to us is obviously them having a yuk at the expense of ol’ White Eyes: “Hey, Two Dogs. Look at the stupid white man eating that crap! What a moron. But nice hair! I think I’ll slice it right off the top of his stupid European head. Next thing you know, we’ll have them rolling up dead leaves, lighting them up, and inhaling the smoke. And they call US savages!”

    Man, I wish I was more than fourth generation Metis.

  4. Reeky – Most fast food places are not high on the trustworthiness scale. I also don’t like that they put on their little plastic gloves to give the illusino of santitariness and then go and touch everything in the store – all the food, the bags, themselves, other people, money….

    Missy – Isn’t it vile? Raptoids, eh? Hmmmmm

    Bob – You seem a little stressed. Moving house can be very stressful. As can working weekends and meeting new people. You should take a little time off — give yourself a chance to settle in the new place, build a little fire in the fireplace, have a hot toddy… I’m just sayin’

    Robin – Thanks. Science can be quite entertaining, can’t it?

  5. You haven’t smelled anything until you had two different sons working at Subway and you had to pick them up. On winter nights I drove home with the window open. The third boy refuses to work there because he came with me to pick them up a lot of times.

    Like most restaurants, it depends on the location. Our Subway, in Nashville, Indiana, had the best manager and those kids did not touch things without gloves on. They took them off, threw them away to handle money and then got on a new pair. But, let me just say, that I will never eat at a Subway in Santa Fe. NEVER!!

  6. Honestly, this post is the perfect example of why I am a regular here: Crackpot investigative reporting paired with a picture of a CORN/TURD THINGIE. You cannot get this kind of post perfection just anywhere, you know.

    OOH! My cleavage made it as a tag! Love it!! And, to be honest, this is much better than it being included as one of life’s most puzzling mysteries. I’m just sayin’.

  7. Savanvleck – Poor you. And how great is it to be the 3rd son? He probably got a government job for the summer, right? Thanks so much for visiting the blog and leaving a first hand perspective comment. I wasn’t sure if I was the only one who found that smell repugnant.

    Lesley – That’s “crack” investigation, not “crackpot”…must have been a typo. I think cleavage in general is one of life’s great mysteries. For instance: where does it go when you lie down?

    Raino – I know, eh? Who knew? It makes perfect sense now. They just haven’t mastered a way to get that subway smell out of Subway.

    Meanie – Really? My daughter claims to like it, too. I’m thinking it has something to do with never having been exposed to real baked bread, long ago when such a thing still existed. Even the best bakeries don’t smell like real bread anymore.

  8. Having spent (or misspent) a good chunk of time over the last twelve years in Central Arkansas and the coastal North Carolina, I can wholeheartedly back your Crack Team’s alien theory.

    Many an Earl, Bubba or Bobby Joe has backed up the “space aliens did it” hypothesis. Nor is it restricted, as one may thing, to household articles. Beer cans, fishing rods, bass boats, hunting buddies and even trucks have “mysteriously disappeared”. To no one’s surprise “the government” (ie The Phone Company) has tried to cover-up The Truth.

    Thank you and your Crack Team for another job well done!

  9. Oh yes! Errrr….my mistake!?

    Your cleavage question is a good point. Because the cleavage does goes places when it’s not the kind purchased at the doctor’s office.

    Also, I have been looking for almost a week now for my missing cell phone ear piece. I am looking in the same place over and over because I know that’s where it should be. I thought today might be the day the aliens put it back.

    Apparently not.

  10. Oh God, what IS that Subway smell? Seriously? I’ve always thought maybe it was the cleaning fluid they use? It’s nasty. Sort of a combo of cat pee and windex. No wonder that guy lost all that weight going there – he lost his appetite the minute he walked in the door.

  11. Always hoping to help in life’s little mysteries. When you lie down the cleavage transforms and becomes side cleavage. Also quite dsirable I might add.

  12. Can I join your crack team? Because I solved a mystery a while back. I noted that no matter how many teaspoons you buy, there are never enough in your cutlery drawer. I used to think they got accidentally thrown away in yogurt pots etc but now I know better. I also noticed that my cutlery drawer is full of strange round-ish soup-type spoons that are actually too big to go in your mouth and what’s more THAT I DIDN’T BUY! Then I figured out that those spoons are basically the next stage in the lifecycle of teaspoons. Leave a teaspoon in a dark, quiet place (like a cutlery drawer) and it will evolve into an almost useless, slightly icky looking soup spoon you will never use. So now you know. Next: where do all the ballpoint pens go?

  13. I know I can always count on you to clear up all life’s little mysteries for me. And entertain.

    And if you’re into these things, you have an award waiting at my blog.

  14. Bob – Just let us know when the PARTY is and we’ll maybe chip in for one.

    Falstaff – I really do have the best Crack Team on the planet. Without them this would just be another cat blog or personal diary or celebrity gossip page. Not that there’s anything wrong with any of those.

    Lesley – You have to give the aliens time to reproduce our gadgets. Or if they can’t, and really like them, they just keep them. You never know what will amuse them, really. I’ve been looking for my black scarf for a couple of weeks and today, there is was in the scarf bag – right on top. Like that wasn’t the first. third and fifth place I looked for it.

    Kimberly – Well, now you know – subway flour. For anyone who’s never noticed there’s always a thick layer of the stuff down on the tracks. You can never completely get that subway smell out of it, I guess.

    Bob – Good point.

    Cedar – You mean you don’t believe the others? It’s SCIENCE! You have to believe it if it’s science. Those are the rules.

    Bandobras – Thanks

    Loth – Very good investigative skills. I think we might be able to find a place for you on the team. You have to bring your own crack, though.

    Ellie – Naw, the get the credit for waaaaaay too much.

    Jazz – No problem. And thanks, I’ll head over there as soon as I do some work here.

  15. I always thought that there was some kind of teleportation device in the back of the dryer that sent one sock from each pair into another dimension. This wormhole-like entity had another entrance in the back of the coat closet, where the spare socks would reappear — transformed into those extra wire coathangers that are always in coat closets.

    Not that I’ve thought of this at any length before.

  16. Oh, Loth, you’re so naive. The spoons don’t evolve in the drawer, they mate and reproduce obese offspring. That accounts for the funny sounds coming out of your cutlery drawer in the middle of the night, especially when the moon is full.
    Sheesh. Hey, XUP, how about a blog on the birds and the bees for Loth? “When a Mommy teaspoon meets a Daddy teaspoon and they fall in love…”

  17. Alison – Hmmm, no teleportation device, but the transformation into coat hangers could be part of the escape plan. I don’t think we’ve investigated that far. Thanks for the tip.

    Bob – You can be part of the investigative team, too. Then you and Loth can duke out theories and do mad research until one of you is proven to be unequivocally right.

  18. One of my all-time number one favourite toe socks vanished this weekend in the wash. Now I guess I know why. Hopefully it will decide to become uninvisible at some point.

  19. Meloukhia – I think once it has shape-shifted it’s gone for good. Even now it’s building a short wave radio in your sock drawer alerting his underground contacts about his impending escape. They’re too clever for us.

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