A lot of people I know are old or are getting old. I don’t know what it is. They’re having birthdays that are taking them well beyond middle age and on into whatever comes next. Some of them are okay about it, but some panic.
I, of course, have no experience whatsoever of getting old myself. Don’t let the grey hair fool you, I’m really still a spring chicken. I probably won’t be getting old any time soon, either.
However, I can see some real benefits to old age:
1. You get cheap stuff. Everything has senior’s discounts and if it doesn’t, you get to raise holy age-discrimination-hell until you do get a discount.
2. It’s easy to be cool. As long as you do, say or wear something that isn’t associated with old people, you’ll be considered cool by the young folk.
3. People do stuff for you – open doors, carry things, shovel your snow, bring you food via automobile (there really should be a pithier name for that).
4. You’ve already done all the hard stuff in life (puberty, career, kids, mortgages mating) and can just do fun stuff from now on.
5. You can say whatever you want to anyone anytime and get away with it. The more outrageous the better. People will just think you’re spunky.
6. You can stop worrying about your weight. At the rate you’re shrinking you’ll need to eat three times your body weight every day just to maintain the status quo.
7. You can stop worrying about your looks. At some point you realize the battle is well and truly lost, so you can stop fretting about thinning hair and sagging skin and age spots and wrinkles. And the most amazing thing is you start to find these things attractive in other people.
8. You remember when all weddings were gay and can’t understand why people want to put an end to that. Maybe if people had a little more gaiety in their weddings and marriages there wouldn’t be so much gol-danged divorce. In fact, everybody should be a little more gay and stop fretting about money and things they don’t have and about the world going to hell in a handcart and about other people’s business, for starters.
9. You have a million memories and stories to share and bore the socks off anyone who’ll sit still to listen. And they have to listen to you because you’re old and it would impolite not to.
10. You’re still alive and compared to the zillions of other people in the who are dead – some much, much younger than you — that makes you a winner in the lottery of life.