Meet My New Fiance

bazelnov3

Does every year in a cat’s life equal seven years like it does for dogs? Because I reckon in another six years, Bazel and I are going to be close to the same age. And then that would be a good time to turn him human. And we could get married.

Bazel would make an excellent husband because:

a) He’s got really good hair

b) He’s very clean and well-groomed. Grooming and cleaning himself is in fact one of his favorite past-times

bazelnov9

c) He’s very handsome, suave and debonair

bazelnov2

d) He always takes his time to make sure all his business is completely covered up in the litter box, so I reckon he’d never leave the toilet seat up and would always remember to flush

e) I’m his favorite person in the whole wide world (though he’s always happy to meet and spend time with my friends)

b2

f) He’s an excellent listener and only interrupts me occasionally to ask a question or two to help clarify the issue in his mind

g) He’s not needy, very independent and seems quite happy with his life

h) He’s very tenacious and will focus on a project completely and for hours at a time until he achieves success

bazelnov1

That’s all very well and good, you might be thinking to yourself, but how am I going to turn a cat into a human? Well, I discovered this thing on the internet called The Human Race Machine. I’m sure with a little tweaking I could get it to transform animals into humans. Anyway, I have six years to work on this so I’m not worried. Plus, there are many incidents of “shape-shifting” in folklore, mythology, history and fiction so we know it’s entirely possible (e.g.: Frog Prince, Leda/Swan, Beauty & the Beast, Harry Potter)

There would, however, be a few drawbacks to having Bazel for a husband:

a) He’s been neutered

b) He bites; and not in a good way

c) He has an obsessive interest in birds

d) He eats bugs

e) He sleeps and awful lot

f) He’s been neutered

 Anyway, this is what I think he might look like as a human. Can you see the resemblance?

tuxedo1tuxedo3

Advertisements

38 responses to “Meet My New Fiance

  1. Of course nowadays the fact of neutering doesn’t mean he can’t “perform” for you. I assume you aren’t looking to actually create any new children so it all comes down to just fun times.
    Dab a little catnip behind your ears and in the hollow of your throat and you’re in for a howling good time.

  2. Nat – His hair is short and I brush him frequently and feed him furball dissolver once a week, so he doesn’t spew up disgusting things very often — no more often than the average human male, anyway

    GBAU2 – We can form a support group – the love that dare not speak its name.

    Missy – I know! It’s hard to tell the difference, isn’t it?

    Dr. Monkey – Hey, it’s only considered crazy in the US. Here in Canada once we opened the door to non-traditional marriage, anything goes and is legally considered normal

    Bandobras – I won’t ask how it is that you’re so well-versed in this department

  3. He may be clean and well-groomed but think about how precisely he achieves that. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want my fiance cleaning his nether regions in that manner!

  4. I do see the resemblance in the two pics at the bottom, except for the fact that Bazel is MUCH BETTER LOOKING!! (What a shiny coat! Tuxedo cats are so great. Swooon.)

    I call my cat Moses my boyfriend. It had never occurred to me to take it to the next level and actually get engaged. I must give this some serious thought.

  5. If he retains his flexibility as a human then he probably won’t be looking to get married.

  6. Say…maybe all the homophobes were right when they said if we we opened the door to gay marriage it would lead to people wanting to marry animals!

  7. Bob – Well, you gotta keep an open mind about these things. I’m sure you’d marry your beauty in a second if she was a human –er, your cat IS female, right?

    Loth – I’m thinking if he was human he’d have hands and could take a shower like everyone else. I’m sure he only cleans himself that way now because he has no choice.

    Guillermo – It’s true, I confess. But please don’t be afraid.

    MisssyM – I think mine would be pretty handy. He’s great at keeping the place bug and vermin free. He can open cupboards and even get past the safety lock now. He can get into any room without even being able to reach the doorknob – I don’t know how he does it. So, all in all, I’m thinking he’d do okay with DIY

    DFS – Catonio – ha ha. Ya, turning dogs into humans wouldn’t be a good idea — very, very needy and clingy.

    Violetsky -That’s okay. I’m not insecure.

    Elmer – Before we had him neutered I would have agreed with you because he was extremely fond of “cleaning” himself then. Now he still does it, but it seems more practical than enjoyable.

    UA – You never know!

    Zoom – That’s exactly what I said to Dr. Monkey (above). Slippery slope, slippery slope — just as “they” feared.

    Geewits – When he gets ready to attack they turn very big and black and scary. How does he do that?

    Coyote – Bazel has taken on the neighbour’s Rottweiler and left him wimpering on the doorstep. Bazel is very macho. Bazel thanks you for appreciating his finer qualities and is amused by your veiled threats.

  8. Congratulations! He’s a doll. I’m sure the two of you will be very happy for a long time. Don’t worry about the neutered thing. You can always adopt! I know it’s tacky for guests to wear white to a wedding, but Gracie could be one of you dogsmaids!

  9. No, I would NOT marry The Prettiest Cat Ever. It would be incest, cuz she’s my baby and I’m her Daddy.

    Don’t those Hubert cat food commercials give you the heebie-jeebies, verging on the screamin’ meemees? Really, really creepy.

  10. Debra – I’ll let you know how it goes. A lot can happen in 6 years

    Mo – Ya, um…er… it’s not about having kids. Once a male has no more testicles, he’s not so much a male anymore if you get my drift. On the upside a man without testicles will never go bald. (think on, guys)

    Zoom – That’s important for all the gala affairs we’ll be attending. It WOULD be nice to see him in jeans once in a while, though.

    Bob – Yes, those commercials are just creepy with a captial CREEP. And, my apologies, I did’t realize you were her “daddy”. And yes, Hubert is seriously revolting. No cat would ever transform into Hubert, Hubert is more like a rat or something

    Geewits – I knew you’d have the actual scientific explanation at your fingertips. Why do they disappear? And where do they go?

  11. I see you’re already balls deep in the ball talk, but I was thinking the neutered bit would be a good thing b/c really, balls are quite disgusting. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve never seen a pair of nuts that just drove me wild.

    Go for it. Turn that pussy into a man. 😉 (i love talking trash over here in your comments)

  12. I would keep the doors locked at night, to make sure he isn’t out in some back alley tomcatting every night. Other than that, he sounds perfect.

    Oh, except for the hairy back. 🙂

  13. Ha, ha, this is too funny. Great lead on to the picture. i was not expecting it and just had to laugh.
    Maybe some of the draw backs would lessen in human form?
    Would you be ok with the ears in public or would he have to wear a hat all the time?

  14. Bandobras – You are so cryptic

    OTC – Okay, dammit, I will!!!

    Jo – He never goes out, don’t worry. He hangs by the doors and windows and gets his outside world that way.

    TRN – I think the ears would dissolve over time and/or if I programmed the machine correctly. And, yes maybe he wouldn’t quite so fond of bugs when he could have fondue or something instead. We shall see. I’ll be sure and keep you updated when the time comes.

  15. I know a lot of women who are married to men who are “neutered” and it seems to be working OK for them. 😉

    I think Friday is Cat Blogging Day on the internets. It’s weird.

  16. Bazel is a very handsome cat. You could do worse.

    I remember my daughter Leah telling me once that I didn’t need a boyfriend because I had Elvis. Yep, Elvis was not what you’d call good boyfriend material: neutered, elderly, incontinent and prone to puking up hairballs. But I guess when you’re 5, all that matters is that mom is a girl and the cat is a boy.

    I still miss Elvis, though not in that way.

  17. i think Bazel would make a great husband.. he is quite cute. dont let the neutering get in your way… there are toys for that.. and well the bugs? at least you know you wont have a massive fly infestation

  18. Maybe, if you’re lucky, he’ll just become a guy with a really well-done vasectomy.

    REALLY well-done.

    With everything else magically intact.

    Good luck with that.

    🙂

  19. Em – it’s funny how that happens sometimes. I’ve notice that once or twice too — suddenly everyone is blogging about the same thing.

    Alison – You know, I suspect that given the opportunity a lot of people would be interested in turning their pets into human boyfriends/girlfriends. It’s all sci-fi now, but who knows what’s in the future?? (cue spooky music)

    Jobthingy – Ya, but it wouldn’t be much fun for him. He really just wants to cuddle.

    Janna – I haven’t even seen his other bit since they removed his testicles. Before that it was getting tons of attention from him and always hanging out — okay, more like peeking out.

    Jazz – Thank you for being the only one who truly seems to get that.