Like many Americans today, our good friend from Bohunk, Mississippi, Brad Brown is extremely concerned about the future of his country and what will become of bleeding-heart liberals like him should Sarah Palin become Queen.
So, like many Americans before him, his thoughts have turned to escaping to Canada at the first hint of trouble. To that end, and because he’s a nice, though rather misguided, guy, Brad Brown has written what he believes to be the definitive document on How to Immigrate to Canada.
Unfortunately, Bohunk Mississippi’s educational system leaves much to be desired, so most of his “facts”, while delightfully humorous, are are messed up.
Canada IS a friendly and welcoming nation and we’d be tickled pink to have you all come and live here if the gun-totin’ rednecks yahoos take over your country. We particularly like people with funny accents.
And, yes we do have free healthcare AND same-sex couples can get married anywhere in the country legally and are entitled to all the rights and benefits of any other married or common-law couples AND medical marijuana is legal and sold by the government AND most of our fundamentalist nuts are confined to institutions, while those allowed to live in society are treated with the same respect given to all other mentally challenged people.
HOWEVER, Brad Brown seems to think Canada has some sort of immigration “procedure”. This is not true. Oh, there’s a pretty website and application forms and some other documents, but they were all just produced as make-work projects for executives at the Department of Immigration. You can send in an application, but they have no one to process them and they have nothing in place to enforce any of the crazy regulations they talk about on the website.
So, all you really have to do is pack your bags and come on over. There are no walls or barriers at our borders unlike the borders from Mexico to the United States. Canadian Customs and Immigration officers are just public servants like the rest of us who show up and do their 7.5 hours every day, but don’t have any real interest or investment in their positions. As long as you don’t look really obviously dangerous, (e.g.: pointing a large, loaded gun at the Customs officer) they’ll wave you through and you’re ready to begin your new life as a Canadian.
You’ll want to find your place in our cultural mosaic as soon as possible so here are a few pointers:
- Forget everything you’ve ever heard or seen about Canadians in American TV shows and movies. For instance, don’t wear plaid and don’t say “aboot”.
- You can say “eh” once in a while, but only to Americans because it makes them giggle.
- Don’t ever drink American beer. No Canadian would ever do that willingly – unless maybe there was absolutely no other kind of beer or alcoholic beverage of any kind around, but even then real Canadians will look at you suspiciously.
- Don’t laugh at the money and exclaim how pretty the colours are. Remember the one dollar coin is called a Loonie, because it has a picture of a loon on it; and the two dollar coin is called a Toonie, because it’s worth two loonies. Act like you don’t even notice that the five dollar bill is blue or the ten dollar bill purple. The twenty is green, so that’s easy. You don’t have to worry about any denominations higher than that because you’ll never see them.
- Although you all learned in school that the US is the biggest and best country in the world, Canada’s land mass is actually about 200 times greater than yours. So, we don’t all know each other and you can’t visit the whole country in one weekend. You can’t even visit one province in one weekend.
- We have four seasons; it’s not always winter. So bring a variety of clothing.
- While most of us live in the woods or on wheat farms, we also have 3 real cities (Toronto, Montreal and Vancouver) so you’ll still be able to go there and get your hair done on Saturdays and go to movies and nightclubs and eat at fine restaurants. However, we rarely deep-fry anything, so that might take some adjusting.
- Don’t worry, we don’t all speak French and most of us don’t like Celine Dion any more than you do.
- You need to learn to say “sorry” a lot: for instance when bumping into someone accidentally or even when someone bumps into you – even if they do it on purpose – apologize sheepishly. Also, say thank-you constantly. For instance, if you go to exchange some crappy piece of merchandise that you paid through the nose for and the belligerent “customer service” service person finally and grudgingly agrees to replace the item, (but only after you’ve wept and pleaded). You take the item and say thank you like he’s done you a big favour.
- Always complain about the weather. Every day. If the weather is perfect, say, “ya, but it’s gonna snow later on tonight, eh?”
- Act really, really offended if someone asks you if you’re American.