10 Things You Need to Know Today

 

1.  Celine Dion in on Oprah today! The world’s two most annoying loved people together in one room talking and stuff.

2.  There’s a winter storm watch in effect for Ottawa and outlying regions. With any luck our TV signals will be down for the day.

3.  The Urban Dictionary defines XUP as: “an alternate to sup, or wassup. (e.g.:yo dude, xup witjoo? i had a wikkd night man!)”

4.  Ontario is thinking it might be a good idea to ban the use of cell phones, Blackberries and GPS devices while driving. GPS devices?

5.  Scientists have genetically engineered purple tomatoes containing shitloads of “anthocyanins” which help fight certain kinds of cancers and other age-related diseases. Usually anthocyanins are found in blueberries, cranberries, purple grapes and other darkly pigmented fruits. Oh ya, that should work out well. Couldn’t we just, um… eat blueberries? And what happens to that lycopene stuff that’s so good in tomatoes? Will they maybe have to re-engineer bananas to include lycopene then?

6.  Sears is recalling the “Cool Touch” toaster because it’s a fire hazard. Bwah-ha-ha.

7.  Roy Pearson, a former district administrative judge, is suing a Washington dry cleaners $67 million for losing his pants. “It’s not about the pants,” says Pearson. The law suit says he’s suing because they lost his pants. I have trouble following all the legalese here. I also have trouble envisioning 67 million dollar pants.

8.  Gerard Damiano, director of the movie “Deep Throat,” died yesterday at the age of 80. That was one freaky movie. And it set some pretty high/low/unrealistic standards for fellatio.

9.  A woman in Japan playing the online game, Maplestory, was furious when her virtual husband divorced her. So, she logged into the game using the man’s ID and password and “murdered” his character. She has been arrested and faces up to five years in prison. “I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry,” she said.

10.  Celine Dion in on Oprah today! My god people! What sort of sick, twisted mind organizes stuff like this?

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33 responses to “10 Things You Need to Know Today

  1. I don’t think this storm is going to affect too many people. I think we’re (not staying you, but some people around me) stressing out for no reason. I don’t think we’ll have much that is accumulated today.

  2. 1/ Celine and Oprah? Jack Sprat could eat no fat…

    3/ XUP is not an alternative for anything. XUP is, and others strive to live up to XUP.
    7/ This idiot has had his suit thrown out of about 3 courts already. The laundry offered to replace his entire suit but that ain’t good enough. I believe he is now trying the state supreme court.

    8/ Deep throat is one of the main reasons men know so little about female physiology. Still one of the only porn films with any more than a hint of a plot though.

  3. Oh do let us know if Celine goes crazy like Tom did. Oprah seems to have an effect on people.

    Still I can’t imagine Celine being that animated…

  4. Deep throat was a funny funny movie – and so absurd – who would think that a woman could have a clitoris where her uvula is supposed to be???? Too many people took it too seriously.
    Damiano never really made any money on the movie-the mob got ahold of it and THEY made the money.

    I agree with the cell phone/blackberry ban – if used for text messaging – in this day and age no one is ever allowed to be out of touch communication wise….. I found a dead spot in cell coverage the other day and after 15 minutes discovered beloved peace…… 🙂
    And if I can’t use my GPS to drive around – then I’ll be forever lost – just more socialist – “We are protecting you from yourself” BS.

  5. Enjoy the snow – SUCKERS!!! Bwhahahaha!

    Okay, I kid – I will miss the majesty of the first snows of the season … up until the point where the air dries out and it’s minus 40 degrees out with blowing ice pellets … then I will gloat ;P

  6. A&J – Okay, that makes me feel better. And I think it’s supposed to be quite warm on Friday, so if there is snow today it will be some weird fluke and then the rest of the winter will be mild and sunny — right??

    Bandobras – The guy without pants is a judge, too. I guess he lost his mind somewhere along the line as well — now there’s a law suit.

    Loth – aim at Oprah, she’s a much bigger target and any drop that makes its way to Celine will give her a thorough soaking and burns over most of her body.

    MisssyM – What? You mean you don’t get Oprah via satelite the instant it’s on? Oprah’s missing a big opportunity here. That’s not like her at all.

    Lebowski – The crazy part of this story is a) that it’s taken them so long to think this one up and b) the gps ban — only for handheld devices though.

    Miles – Ya I know – I saw when I read the rest of the story. It’s amusing that this is big news when most other sane and reasonable places have banned all these handheld electronics while driving ages ago. Thanks for visiting and for leaving a comment — is there a link for your blog?

    Tania – You are evil. Call me when it’s pouring rain there for the 12th day in a row.

  7. 1. Celine and Oprah – now there’s a hellish match if ever I saw one.

    2. They’re talking of snow for Montreal too. lalalalalala can’t hear ya!

    3. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuude!!!!

    4. They banned cell phones in Quebec, but it hasn’t changed a thing.

    5. Science just for the sake of science, or proving you can do it, is not necessarily a good thing. Eat tomatoes, eat blueberries forego the Frankenfood.

    6. Oh the irony.

    7. Huh?

    8. RIP

    9. He deserved to cyberdie. Why arrest her?

    10. A very sick very twisted very evil mind…

  8. I remember (though I wish I didn’t) back a few years ago when Celine had some kind of marketing tie-in with Air Canada. There was a big to-do made of the fact that she had redesigned the flight attendants’ uniforms etc. etc.

    I was with my boss, flying back from Denver, when we fell victim to a flight delay (Just an aside, did you know that as long as an airplane pulls away from the jetway at the scheduled time, the airline can claim the flight departed on time, even if it sits on the tarmac for an hour once disengaged while waiting for a missing part?) We sat on the tarmac for over an hour waiting for a missing part, and they piped music through the plane. Any guesses as to what music? Right. Celine. Now I admire her voice, and I concede she’s talented, but her music is not my cup of tea. Especially when it was the same eight songs played in an endless loop. Over and over. (Yes, I know that’s redundant, but I’m trying to show exactly how many times we heard those same eight freakin’ songs.)

    At one point I had convinced myself that the plane had actually taken off, but had crashed, and this was hell. Or at the very least, purgatory.

    So, I probably won’t be tuning in to Oprah this aft.

  9. I’ve got to tell you, I would love a good storm here in So Cal. It’s almost as depressing having constant sunshine and heat, God the heat, as a storm would be. Some real weather would be nice once in a while.

    Banning Blackberrys, cell phones and GPS devices? I get the phone thing, but GPS? Maybe that’s to cover the cell phones/GPS devices? Still dumb.

  10. i am snickering about the cool touch toaster.

    i will NOT be anywhere near oprah today cause i hate them both with a passion.. er… i mean.. yay..

  11. See, Kitty? — I really AM learning from you!

    Banning cellphones? Try to enforce it. Most guns are banned, too.

  12. Now, if only they would add Sarah Palin to the show’s guest list, we would have the Annoying Trifecta (Female Version)! I bet on…ALL OF US TO LOSE!

  13. Bob – So are you saying fellation sucks in the same way C & O suck or are you saying all three are related in some way to some definition of sucking?

    Kitty – Did you ever in your wildest dreams expect to be a role model for middle-aged men?

    Jazz- When you say the ban hasn’t changed a thing does that mean people are still texting/calling and driving at the same time and no one enforces it?

    Alison – Oh you poor, poor thing! Did they offer counselling for the passengers after that or are you still suffering from PTS?

    Mo – I spent some time in a place without weather, so I know where you’re coming from. It gets really claustrophobic to have exactly the same weather day after day after day. It a crazy kind of fun to wake up every morning and wonder what the day will bring. Like we’re getting this freak snow storm tonight, right — but Friday will be warm and sunny (by warm I mean like 65ish)

    Nat – Whenever I look at that photo I want to hit Celine, but I also want to hit Oprah. I can’t decide. I’m paralyzed with indecision.

    Jobthingy – Ya…shhh and ixnay on the ahprohay atinghay thing… you never know who’s listening. Her power is limitless. You could be at your computer one minute scoffing and mocking the O and the next minute yo…….

    Bob – Nobody in England would cell and drive. It’s like drinking and driving – it takes a while and some education and some peer pressure and some down cracking (how’s that Mr. Language Nazi?), but eventually people will get the message

    Lesley – I’ve never actually seen La Palin in action, but I do hear things…things I hardly allow myself to believe…frightening things… absurd things…head-shaking ’till it falls off things…

  14. 1. Celine and Oprah – ACCK the world is going to hell and fast !

    2. The way people talk about the winter coming it’s like it something that doesn’t happen every fricken year round this time

    3. so wassuppppp XUP?

    4. GPS devices? idiots. man oh man i’m so proud of my government

    5. why not just eat blueberries, cranberries or purple grapes. as the people who play wii tennis instead of playing REAL fucking tennis.

    6. cool touch toaster? can’t anyone be just happy with things the way they are now.

    7. maybe roy pearson was at a restaurant with brian mulroney and someone just stuffed a whad of bills in his pants equalling 67 million dollars…therefore making them worth that kinda money. come on XIP. think it through now.

    8. fellatio? who said fellatio? is that spelled F.E.L.L.A.T.I.O.?

    9. at least this japanese chick didn’t cut off the virtual penis of her virtual husband.

    10. yes. heard about celine on oprah. do you think she was on top ?

  15. I find Celine Dion SUCH an overrated singer. She’s nothing special and yet somehow she ended up in most of my French Language textbooks in high and middle school.

    I feel the same about oprah. her show bores me. snores me.

    but if you think about it, it must be horrible to be in oprah’s shoes and have so many people laying down their burden on you. usually i get overwhelmed when one or two of my friends are dumping stuff on me…but for her it’s every day.

  16. look at that photo of oprah and celine. can you picture or imagine what oprah might be saying. perhaps ‘you are one messed up individual’.

  17. Hand held devices ONLY???
    So I guess that rubbing one out while driving up the road gets one arrested too?
    So what about laptops?
    I have a built in laptop in my truck should I assume that using that will not be illegal as it isn’t handheld?
    (It would however be stupid)

  18. Well, tomorrow, Oprah has Marion “people-won’t-hate-me-anymore-for-lying-about-taking-designer-steroids-now-that-I’m-on-Oprah” Jones.
    Oprah will ask all of us, and all of our angels, to forgive Marion. Marion’s served her time, after all. Marion gave back her gold medals. We must move on.
    …and now, a surprise for the audience…
    “YOU get free steroids! YOU get free steroids! YOU get free steroids! EVERYBODY GETS FREE STEROIDS!”

  19. You’re from Canada?!?! I love Canada! I’ve been to Halifax and Ottawa believe it or not.

    I have a pretty fun sense with your blog. I had to chuckle when I saw Celine and Oprah together though. Could there possibly be 2 more polar opposites?

    I mean – sheesh – Celine IS talented! 🙂

  20. Raino – Of course we know somewhere deep inside that winter’s coming, but we hope it will hold off as long as possible — October is kind of early, no? And your thinking on #7 seems very reasonable and is probably exactly right. Also, it’s a hard call which one is more messed up.

    Luba – Oh ya, I’m feeling a deep well of pity for Oprah. Did someone force her to be a guru? Is she photographed each month against her will and plastered all over O. Does someone make up all those inane quotes and “truths” she alledgedly spouts? Is she being force-fed billions of dollars a year that are syphoned off the weak, hopeless, helpless and mindless?

    Lebowski – You “rub one out” whilst driving down the highway? I think I might like to see that — on video, not in real life, because then I’d be in the car with you and that could be dangerous (and messy)

    JB – This would be funny if it didn’t indicate some deeper knowledge of the Oprah show that no reasonable human being should have.

    Bandobras – No more steriods for you! Haven’t you been warned?

    Meanie – get one that’s mounted in the car somehow and you’re okay. You just can’t be hold the thing and playing with it while you’re driving.

    Chuckypita – Not only am I FROM Canada, I actually live here full time!!! And thanks for visiting. It’s a great place, eh? And thanks for visiting the blog, too – I do try to keep it fun. About Oprah and Celine, though, I think they have a lot of stuff in common — a lot of preachy, annoying, sappy stuff. And okay, Celine has a loud voice that stays in tune when she sings, but it’s a very irritating voice. I’ll come and visit your blog now.

  21. XUP – The ban hasn’t changed anything because basically the cops have to catch people in the act of talking on the phone and it’s not like it’s really high on their priority list.

    And it seems that hands free phoning (which is allowed) isn’t any better. Apparently, studies show that since the person you’re talking to isn’t in the car with you, he/she doesn’t react to what’s going on around you, thus lulling you into being less alert and more prone to stupid driving mistakes and accidents. Who knew…

  22. Bobbie doesn’t need the inspiration… there’s an old crank inside of him just bursting at the seams…

    but it IS flattering…

    So, did ANYone watch Celine and Oprah?

  23. By the way – although you may already know this fact – driver inattention/distraction leads to 8 out of 10 collisions. Yes. 80%. I interview a lot of people on road safety (last night, for instance, I had a fun conversation with Andrew Younghusband, host of Canada’s Worst Driver, about some very scary drivers on his show, followed by a quite serious talk about safe driving on Hallowe’en night with Scott Marshall, Director of Training for Young Drivers of Canada), and it’s one of those facts that slaps you in the face.
    Anything you do that isn’t related to the driving you’re doing at that moment is driver distraction, including (as Jazz mentioned) hands-free cell phone conversations, and will put you in that 8-in-10 group. It ain’t worth it. Turn off your phone, and pull off the road if you really need to call someone. You’re not saving that much time by driving and talking on the phone at the same time, and you’re risking your life as well as many others’.