10 Things You Need to Know Today


1.  Celine Dion in on Oprah today! The world’s two most annoying loved people together in one room talking and stuff.

2.  There’s a winter storm watch in effect for Ottawa and outlying regions. With any luck our TV signals will be down for the day.

3.  The Urban Dictionary defines XUP as: “an alternate to sup, or wassup. (e.g.:yo dude, xup witjoo? i had a wikkd night man!)”

4.  Ontario is thinking it might be a good idea to ban the use of cell phones, Blackberries and GPS devices while driving. GPS devices?

5.  Scientists have genetically engineered purple tomatoes containing shitloads of “anthocyanins” which help fight certain kinds of cancers and other age-related diseases. Usually anthocyanins are found in blueberries, cranberries, purple grapes and other darkly pigmented fruits. Oh ya, that should work out well. Couldn’t we just, um… eat blueberries? And what happens to that lycopene stuff that’s so good in tomatoes? Will they maybe have to re-engineer bananas to include lycopene then?

6.  Sears is recalling the “Cool Touch” toaster because it’s a fire hazard. Bwah-ha-ha.

7.  Roy Pearson, a former district administrative judge, is suing a Washington dry cleaners $67 million for losing his pants. “It’s not about the pants,” says Pearson. The law suit says he’s suing because they lost his pants. I have trouble following all the legalese here. I also have trouble envisioning 67 million dollar pants.

8.  Gerard Damiano, director of the movie “Deep Throat,” died yesterday at the age of 80. That was one freaky movie. And it set some pretty high/low/unrealistic standards for fellatio.

9.  A woman in Japan playing the online game, Maplestory, was furious when her virtual husband divorced her. So, she logged into the game using the man’s ID and password and “murdered” his character. She has been arrested and faces up to five years in prison. “I was suddenly divorced, without a word of warning. That made me so angry,” she said.

10.  Celine Dion in on Oprah today! My god people! What sort of sick, twisted mind organizes stuff like this?