If you’re a Hipster…

If you’re a Hipster, are you aware that there are a lot of people out there on a mission to kill all hipsters and reclaim Cool? They must be killed and then buried for Cool to be reborn.

This sounds pretty serious, and it’s probably a good idea to see if you might be in jeopardy, so here’s a quick checklist:

  • Are you a lover of apathy and irony?
  • Are you connected through a global network of blogs; blogging about your daily exploits?
  •  Do you know all the latest “cool” restaurants, bars, bands, music venues, books, clothes, and/or “hip” neighborhoods to live in?
  • Do you go to bars that are off the beaten path, attend non-mainstream art shows, like quirky movies,  listen to bands that probably get very little major network radio time and/or  loathe the idea of living in the suburbs?  
  • Do you look down on people who don’t know anything about indie culture?  
  • Do you love Conan O’Brien?
  • Do you wear skinny jeans, cotton spandex leggings, vintage flannel, a skirt and pants at the same time, fake eyeglasses, scruffy Van’s, American Apparel V-neck t-shirts and/or a keffiyeh?  
  • Do you shop in thrift stores, but sport $100 messy haircut? 
  • Do you deny being a hipster? 
  • Do you have less than 2% body fat?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions then you might very well be a hipster and your life could already be in danger!!!!!! (see The Hipster Handbook for further information)

Your lack of authenticity is apparently “consuming the very core of Western counterculture” and there are legions of people out to put an end to your de-cooling of our world. I was shocked and amazed that so many people had such strong, negative feelings toward something that just seems kind of boring and harmless to me. But there you go. Cool must be preserved at all costs.

Please, I beg of you, tell all your hipster friends, those you suspect of being hipsters and those who even now may be aspiring to hipsterdom to fear for their lives.

***************

More people who are plotting to kill Hipsters:

The Dead End of Civilization

Hipsters and the Death of Cool

Die Hipster.Com

Kill All Hipsters

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24 responses to “If you’re a Hipster…

  1. You missed out on one of the great hipster haters, David Suzuki.
    Anyone who is killing cool is obviously adding to global warming.
    Why a guy who owns a motorcycle company cares I don’t know but he claims to .

  2. I’m not a hipster, and wouldn’t be even if I had the time for all of that fluff.
    I have, however, had a hip replaced.

  3. Missy – Lots of hipsters have regular jobs and health insurance and even/especially trust funds. So, don’t worry, you’re still in danger.

    Dr. Monkey – Okay, you’re assigned to your local American Apparel. Further instructions will follow.

    A&J – That is SUCH a hipster thing to do and say!

    Bandobras – You are so confused I don’t even know where to begin.

    JB – I’ll have to look that one up in the Handbook

    Jobthingy – Weeeelllll – you DO blog about your activities and you ARE denying being a hipster…..

    Jazz – You’ve got kind of a Hipster pseudonym, but if you’re not a Hipster then maybe you’re authentically cool, since Hipsters are now seen to be anti-cool??

  4. well, my kids get expensive haircuts and i shop for them at ValueVillageand they have less than 2% body fat. should i be concerned- or are kids exempt from the Hunt?

  5. are not all of us connected by a global network of blogs? as for the rest – I am so lost and out of touch (and as a ‘boomer’, you know I must hate that)

  6. Meanie – OMG – hide them! Leave the country. Go into witness protection!!!

    Violetsky – Yes, we’re hipsters just by virtue of being bloggers. People who want to kill hipsters also want to kill bloggers — I know, I read it on their blogs.

    Geewits – There’s still that blog thing that’s connecting you to the hipster world. You may be fairly safe otherwise, though. Just make sure you always sit with your back to a wall.

  7. ..bearer of bad news for a hippty like me
    Does being an lover of irony alone,
    make me a half wit hipster?

    …not all apply but only a few have to be one and is I … hip hip hooray!

  8. I meet, like, three of them and it’s merely coincidental. I guess they have to maintain less than 2 percent body fat to wear the skinny jeans, right?

  9. Raino – My mum always said people need to have about 10 extra pounds on them at all times in case they got sick and started wasting away, they’d have a good few weeks recovery time.

    Hunter – what you say doesn’t always make sense to me, but I appreciate the crypticism. I think you can love irony and just be an old fart, too.

    Maggie – Good thinking!

    Kimberly – I’m surprised at the number of anti-hipsters. Some of us have been around long enough to be on the fringe end of being mock-hippies. I think as we aged, if we didn’t go totally corporate/suburbia we turned into the original hipsters. But hipsterdom soon got taken over by the young folk who commercialized it and totally de-cooled it because they were doing it to be cool, not just because that’s just how they rolled, like us

    X – Hey – congratulations! They make big skinny jeans, too. I’ve seen people in them

    Missy – Cute. Poor hipsters. Why can’t they just be left in peace? WHY???