If you’re a Hipster, are you aware that there are a lot of people out there on a mission to kill all hipsters and reclaim Cool? They must be killed and then buried for Cool to be reborn.
This sounds pretty serious, and it’s probably a good idea to see if you might be in jeopardy, so here’s a quick checklist:
- Are you a lover of apathy and irony?
- Are you connected through a global network of blogs; blogging about your daily exploits?
- Do you know all the latest “cool” restaurants, bars, bands, music venues, books, clothes, and/or “hip” neighborhoods to live in?
- Do you go to bars that are off the beaten path, attend non-mainstream art shows, like quirky movies, listen to bands that probably get very little major network radio time and/or loathe the idea of living in the suburbs?
- Do you look down on people who don’t know anything about indie culture?
- Do you love Conan O’Brien?
- Do you wear skinny jeans, cotton spandex leggings, vintage flannel, a skirt and pants at the same time, fake eyeglasses, scruffy Van’s, American Apparel V-neck t-shirts and/or a keffiyeh?
- Do you shop in thrift stores, but sport $100 messy haircut?
- Do you deny being a hipster?
- Do you have less than 2% body fat?
If you answered yes to one or more of these questions then you might very well be a hipster and your life could already be in danger!!!!!! (see The Hipster Handbook for further information)
Your lack of authenticity is apparently “consuming the very core of Western counterculture” and there are legions of people out to put an end to your de-cooling of our world. I was shocked and amazed that so many people had such strong, negative feelings toward something that just seems kind of boring and harmless to me. But there you go. Cool must be preserved at all costs.
Please, I beg of you, tell all your hipster friends, those you suspect of being hipsters and those who even now may be aspiring to hipsterdom to fear for their lives.
More people who are plotting to kill Hipsters: