Hose

Ladies and gentlemen, something rather wonderful has been happening – slowly, steadily and without our noticing it. Pantyhose have become virtually extinct! At least in this part of the world. (Shh – don’t tell David Suzuki).

On Hunter’s blog the other day, I was checking out this link listing a whole bunch of things you can do with old pantyhose. I thought to myself, “Hey, these would be some cool, crafty projects to do if I were the least bit crafty.” Then I realized I didn’t have any old pantyhose. Then I realized I hadn’t  owned pantyhose for ages.

Then I started thinking back to when I might have last owned and/or worn pantyhose and I think it was in 1993 at my brother’s wedding. “Wow, that’s a long time with no pantyhose,” I thought to myself.

So then, I decided it was time to do some scientific research and see if I was an anomaly in the pantyhose world or if pantyhose were disappearing from everyone’s lives. So yesterday I spent the whole day looking carefully at people’s legs (men and women just to be safe).

I checked out the people on my bus. Then I checked out the people at work. Then I went to a meeting in Gatineau and I got to check out people from a whole other province. Then I went to lunch in Preston so I got a Little Italy pantyhose perspective. Then I went grocery shopping later in the afternoon and got yet another demographic.

In that whole day I only saw 3 people wearing what I assume to be pantyhose (they could have been stockings and garters, but I doubt it). All 3 were elderly women and only one of them was wearing pantyhose that appeared to be completely intact. Most people were wearing trousers or shorts of some sort. Some women were wearing skirts with bare legs or with leggings or tights (once known as leotards).

In the evening my daughter had a gaggle of friends over glamming up for the school dance. I realized that my daughter, at almost 16 years of age, had never worn pantyhose in her life! So, I asked the other kids if they’d ever worn pantyhose and they all more or less said, “Ewww, gross…NO!” (Except my daughter who said, “MOTHER! Oh. My. Gawd!”

Ergo, I have drawn the conclusion that these limpid, self-destructing insults to womanhood everywhere have outlived their usefulness as hosiery and are now good only for crafts. Ta-da!

I felt incredibly uplifted at this discovery. Next to brassieres and stiletto heels, pantyhose had to be the most uncomfortable, confining, ridiculous things women ever squeezed themselves into. They never fit right. Most of them didn’t make it one day without tearing and some didn’t even survive the getting-in-to-them stage. They cost money. And they’re whatever the complete opposite of sexy is.

I hope that wherever you are, pantyhose are becoming extinct, too.

We should have an international day of celebration.