Note: No, I did NOT copy this from anywhere. I wrote it myself.
Okay, so you’ve achieved the holy grail of humanness and are in a relationship, but maybe it isn’t quite everything you expected it to be. How do you know if it’s right? If you’re doing the best thing? If it will last? If you should stick it out? These are tough questions, so here’s a handy quiz to help you make some decisions:
1. You get hit by a bus on the way home from work; your partner:
- a) Drops everything and rushes to the hospital to comfort you.
- b) Stops by after work if it’s on the way home.
- c) Is too busy to visit, but passes a “hi” along with one of your other visitors and invites a special friend over because the house was so empty without you.
2. For your last birthday, your partner:
- a) Organized a big party at your favorite restaurant with all your best friends, and had a romantic surprise waiting for you when you got home.
- b) Gave you a gift certificate to a place that’s been out of business for over a year.
- c) Oops…
3. Your partner is “working” at the computer. You’re kindly bringing in some fresh coffee. Your partner:
- a) Thanks you and asks you to read over the report being worked on to see what you think of it.
- b) Grabs the coffee from you and stands pointedly at the door waiting for you to leave.
- c) Unplugs the computer and screams at you about invasion of privacy while fumbling with something under the desk.
4. You used to stare at each others’ faces, lovingly, longing to touch every line and contour, and now:
- a) Nothing much has changed except you know each others’ faces as well as your own.
- b) You can’t remember the last time your partner looked at you and, unless there’s something disgusting growing on it, you don’t have much interest in looking at your partner’s face either.
- c) Even a glimpse of each other across the breakfast table sets your teeth to gnashing and you both have to exercise extreme control not to smack the stupid smirks off one another’s faces.
- a) Although you’re both very busy you manage to make time for some intimacy at the end of every day. It’s not always a full marathon, but enough to keep you close.
- b) The last time you had sex you were both stinking drunk and barely remember it. You’re pretty sure it was 2008, though.
- c) The last time you had sex was yesterday afternoon. You have no idea when your partner last had sex.
6. Your partner’s domestic habits have never been exactly like yours, but at first you learned to accept the quirks and foibles for the sake of harmony. Lately:
- a) Your partner respects your feelings and has adjusted several habits to accommodate you and you have adjusted several of yours as well, so there are few household-related disputes anymore.
- b) Your partner’s habits have become worse to the point where you feel they’re doing it just to spite you. Normal people don’t wash their undergarments with the dishes to “save water”.
- c) The next time you see public hair on the bath soap, you are going to grab a filleting knife, hunt your partner down and remove all their body hair along with 3 layers of skin just to be sure.
7. Money can be a major source of contention between partners. You and your partner:
- a) Pool your finances and consult each other on all major purchases. You are both good at budgeting and your financial situation is healthy as a result.
- b) It’s getting difficult to find hiding places for your money because your partner always manages to find it and blow it all at the casino. This is the second house the bank has foreclosed on in the last 3 years.
- c) Both of you have quit legitimate work and are getting paid under the table by various criminals in case one of you files for legal separation and tries to take the other to the cleaners.
8. The thought of going home at the end of the work day:
- a) Fills you with delightful anticipation. You’re looking forward to seeing your partner, cooking together and enjoying each other’s company.
- b) Fills you with glee because you can’t wait to see what your partner’s going to say about that photo you emailed to your partner’s workmates showing a certain someone applying salve to their genital warts.
- c) Fills you with soul-crushing despair. The thought of having 1st degree burns over most of your body is more appealing.
- a) You don’t really have arguments; just the occasional disagreement which is always resolved amicably and with respect from both sides.
- b) There is nothing either of you could say or do at this point that wouldn’t result in a big, loud, nasty, no-holds barred fight.
- c) The police are at your house weekly and you’re on a first name basis with all of the emergency room staff.
10. Your relationship with each others family and friends:
- a) You’re all one big happy family and everyone seems to get along really well.
- b) You’ve had sex with most of your partner’s friends, 2 of their siblings and one of their parents. You’re actively feuding with the rest of the friends and family members.
- c) You suspect your partner’s family has taken a hit out on you and the fatal car accident involving your partner’s evil bitch of a mother was no accident.
If you chose mostly “a” answers you are either in a new relationship, deluded or should have your own talk show.
If you chose mostly “b” answers you have a normal relationship and should count yourself lucky that you’ve found someone so you don’t have to grow old alone.
If you chose mostly “c” answers, your relationship might be on rocky ground. Some couple’s counseling is recommended.