The Ultimate Relationship Quiz

Note: No, I did NOT copy this from anywhere. I wrote it myself.

Okay, so you’ve achieved the holy grail of humanness and are in a relationship, but maybe it isn’t quite everything you expected it to be. How do you know if it’s right? If you’re doing the best thing? If it will last? If you should stick it out? These are tough questions, so here’s a handy quiz to help you make some decisions:

1. You get hit by a bus on the way home from work; your partner:

  • a) Drops everything and rushes to the hospital to comfort you.
  • b) Stops by after work if it’s on the way home.
  • c) Is too busy to visit, but passes a “hi” along with one of your other visitors and invites a special friend over because the house was so empty without you.

2. For your last birthday, your partner:

  • a) Organized a big party at your favorite restaurant with all your best friends, and had a romantic surprise waiting for you when you got home.
  • b) Gave you a gift certificate to a place that’s been out of business for over a year.
  • c) Oops…

3. Your partner is “working” at the computer. You’re kindly bringing in some fresh coffee. Your partner:

  • a) Thanks you and asks you to read over the report being worked on to see what you think of it.
  • b) Grabs the coffee from you and stands pointedly at the door waiting for you to leave.
  • c) Unplugs the computer and screams at you about invasion of privacy while fumbling with something under the desk.

4. You used to stare at each others’ faces, lovingly, longing to touch every line and contour, and now:

  • a) Nothing much has changed except you know each others’ faces as well as your own.
  • b) You can’t remember the last time your partner looked at you and, unless there’s something disgusting growing on it, you don’t have much interest in looking at your partner’s face either.
  • c) Even a glimpse of each other across the breakfast table sets your teeth to gnashing and you both have to exercise extreme control not to smack the stupid smirks off one another’s faces.

5. Sex

  • a) Although you’re both very busy you manage to make time for some intimacy at the end of every day. It’s not always a full marathon, but enough to keep you close.
  • b) The last time you had sex you were both stinking drunk and barely remember it. You’re pretty sure it was 2008, though.
  • c) The last time you had sex was yesterday afternoon. You have no idea when your partner last had sex.

6. Your partner’s domestic habits have never been exactly like yours, but at first you learned to accept the quirks and foibles for the sake of harmony. Lately:

  • a) Your partner respects your feelings and has adjusted several habits to accommodate you and you have adjusted several of yours as well, so there are few household-related disputes anymore.
  • b) Your partner’s habits have become worse to the point where you feel they’re doing it just to spite you. Normal people don’t wash their undergarments with the dishes to “save water”.
  • c) The next time you see public hair on the bath soap, you are going to grab a filleting knife, hunt your partner down and remove all their body hair along with 3 layers of skin just to be sure.

7.  Money can be a major source of contention between partners. You and your partner:

  • a) Pool your finances and consult each other on all major purchases. You are both good at budgeting and your financial situation is healthy as a result.
  • b) It’s getting difficult to find hiding places for your money because your partner always manages to find it and blow it all at the casino. This is the second house the bank has foreclosed on in the last 3 years.
  • c) Both of you have quit legitimate work and are getting paid under the table by various criminals in case one of you files for legal separation and tries to take the other to the cleaners.

8. The thought of going home at the end of the work day:

  • a) Fills you with delightful anticipation. You’re looking forward to seeing your partner, cooking together and enjoying each other’s company.
  • b) Fills you with glee because you can’t wait to see what your partner’s going to say about that photo you emailed to your partner’s workmates showing a certain someone applying salve to their genital warts.
  • c) Fills you with soul-crushing despair. The thought of having 1st degree burns over most of your body is more appealing.

 9. Arguments:

  • a) You don’t really have arguments; just the occasional disagreement which is always resolved amicably and with respect from both sides.
  • b) There is nothing either of you could say or do at this point that wouldn’t result in a big, loud, nasty, no-holds barred fight.
  • c) The police are at your house weekly and you’re on a first name basis with all of the emergency room staff.

10. Your relationship with each others family and friends:

  • a) You’re all one big happy family and everyone seems to get along really well.
  • b) You’ve had sex with most of your partner’s friends, 2 of their siblings and one of their parents. You’re actively feuding with the rest of the friends and family members.
  • c) You suspect your partner’s family has taken a hit out on you and the fatal car accident involving your partner’s evil bitch of a mother was no accident.


If you chose mostly “a” answers you are either in a new relationship, deluded or should have your own talk show.

If you chose mostly “b” answers you have a normal relationship and should count yourself lucky that you’ve found someone so you don’t have to grow old alone.

If you chose mostly “c” answers, your relationship might be on rocky ground. Some couple’s counseling is recommended.


32 responses to “The Ultimate Relationship Quiz

  1. I’m sorry.
    I know that it’s meant to be humorous, and is very well-written, and honestly is a lot of to read…
    but it really does illustrate – after 7 years of marriage and our almost-three-year-old twins – how lucky I am.
    …and yes, my answers are mostly a)s, and I do have my own talk show.


  2. LOL! That is hilarious. Yes, we should have our own talk show…but no one wants to hear about that. 😉

    This reminds me of how striking the differences were between my ex-boyfriend and my new boyfriend (who later came to be my hubby). I remember being really touched that he’d not only noticed that I was wearing new perfume but that he told me that he liked it. My ex would have never done that.

    I was telling one of my best friends about that, and she was also shocked. She said, (and I’ll never forget it), “Wow…it’s great that he noticed that! I don’t think [TheEx] would have noticed if you had a different head, let alone different perfume.”

    HA! So true…so true. 🙂

  3. Mostly “a” or between “a” and “b.”

    We were married in 1972…, and I’m not deluded, and don’t have a talk show — we just have a good, old-fashioned marriage.

    Right now we’re sitting in a 24′ camper near the end of a 4 week trip…, and getting along just fine, thank-you-very-much.


    My favorite line (and it was hard to narrow it down):
    Fills you with soul-crushing despair. The thought of having 1st degree burns over most of your body is more appealing.

    Following a close second:
    Normal people don’t wash their undergarments with the dishes to “save water”.

    I totally want to see JB’s talk show. Maybe I can be in the studio audience?

    Newsguy Bob? Your comments always slay me.

  5. JB – I’m glad I was able to both entertain you and made you feel a rush of affection for your wife.

    Ellie – There’s no such thing as none of the above. This quiz is based on extensive scientific research conducted over many decades by important anthropologists. Oh, no, wait…I just thought this up on my way to work this morning…sorry

    Missy – Sometimes life calls for understatement, sometimes for overstatement. The trick is to know which is which. I’m deep, eh?

    CP – Hey, if Oprah (who has never been married and has no kids) can give advice on relationships and parenting, there’s no reason why you guys shouldn’t have a talk show, too!!

    Mike – Oh ya? If you’re having such a great time camping with your spouse why are you surfing the web instead of canoodling with her?? Eh?? Go canoodle. And then blog about it. (PS – good to hear from happy couples)

    Bob – Of course. I’d be interested in the results. I predict a lot of “a” answers, but who knows.

    Lesley – We all want to see JB’s talk show. He should have us all on as special guests one day and do a show on blogging — but not like the one CBC did, which was so lame no self-respecting blogger wanted to be on it. (Haven’t I warned you people before about encouraging Bob?)

    Meanie – That’s what I’m here for.

    Violetsky – Yup. This is what is going on in almost every home across North America – married, common law, heterosexual, homosexual, whatever the configuration. How do I know these things, you ask? Damn good question.

  6. Well…You can only hear my talk show.
    Although I’d love to do one on TV,
    I just may be past my prime for that.
    I am not young. I have grey hair.

    It’s at – Yes, shameless plug.
    Saturday mornings, 8am to Noon.
    Evenings 7-9pm, Tuesday to Friday.

  7. I’m deep in the throes of many children so a lot of these didn’t app;ly – like where is the option to question 1 – He shows up 4 hours later with one child disquised as a dwarf in a stroller to get past the “NO VISITORS 12 AND UNDER RULE because the babysitter balked at all 4 kids and he had to make a deal for three and one dwarf.

    or number 4…you think that a child is actually a limb and do a double take if there isn’t one attached somewhere when you look at them.

    or number 5 it had to have been in the last 18-19 months, the baby’s 1st birthday is wednesday

    or number 7 – fills you with a mixture of dread and happy anticipation, will a baby be handed to you with a full diaper, or will it be a monster mash of hugs at the door.

  8. JB – I think guys are allowed to be old and have grey hair on TV – it’s just women that have to be blond and sexy. Seriously CBC radio Ottawa did the dumbest bit on bloggers not too long ago. They got in touch with a whole bunch of us to be on the show and almost everyone declined becasue a) they insisted on using our real names along with our blog names and b) the questions for the discussion was just the same old stupid stuff like blogs were just invented yesterday. I’ll be on your show, though.

    Mudmamma – Well, this was a “relationship” quiz, not an overwhelmed parent quiz. I’ll think about doing that one for next time. And hey, that kid disguised as a dwarf — that wouldn’t be the same one Zoom saw in the baby carriage, would it?

    Robin – You’re welcome. One of my goals in life is to convince single people that the grass is not really greener on the other side and to revel in their independence instead of yearning for a fantasy.

    Lesley – I have a very high class, eclectic readership, you know. Stars of stage and screen (and microphone), etc. etc. It’s a good thing everyone used a pseudonym or the place would be flooded with groupies and hangers-on. But, I don’t think you’re the only one who didn’t know JB had a talk show.

  9. Raino — Go for it – I just ask that you add the url for my blog on there somewhere so that my legions of new fans will be able to find me for more barrels o fun. And thank you, I’m flattered!!!

  10. Yes I’ve been thinking about the dwarf in the stroller a lot – my version of meta blogging. I guess my point is that in te midst of heavy duty parenting you can’t see past the kids to the relationship…I think its buried in the laundry, or maybe one of the kids took it for show and tell and left it on the playground…

  11. 26 years of working at it every day and we would answer a to most questions and never b or c. I use the word “work” because to be successful at anything does require effort. But what you get out of it is usually more than what you put in, if you care about the other person and the relationship.

  12. XUP: I knew it! I’ve suspected for quite some time now that Newsguy Bob is really George Clooney.

    Congrats to X on her bomb-ass relationship. Bomb-diggity!

  13. Mudmamma – Oh ya – kids are generally not condusive to romantic partnerships, but if you have a good guy, it could still work out in a nice solid family kind of way…I’ve heard

    Julia – Well, if you’re going to throw common sense and reality into the mix…

    Stella – Congratulations. You guys would be SOOOO much fun on a talk show! I’d watch every day

    X – I’m assuming bomb-ass is something good, ya? You kids and your crazy lingo.

    JB – You really need your own blog, man. I sense that your talk show isn’t an adequate forum for you to express your outrage and frustration with stuff and your current blog is all about the kids. So, you need an anonymous blog where you can vent. Think about it. (That WAS a very strange story, but I’m not even surprised)

    Lesley – Shhhhh!!! We don’t want everyone to know. This will be just between us, okay because no one ever reads anyone else’s comments anyway.

  14. Sorry, I am very literal. 🙂 Plus I am working through a health thing right now and Peter has been golden, even while his own back has been in spasm. Which is to say we’ve both been on edge and yet managed to stay loving and (mostly) civil, most of the time.

  15. Jazz – Glad to oblige

    Julia – I’m sorry to hear about your health thing(s). It’s good that you have each other for support and strength.