Something I won’t be doing this weekend

The National Women’s Show is on in Ottawa this weekend. “The Ultimate Girl’s Day Out!” Doesn’t it make you giddy just thinking about it?  I had a look at their website and thought, “holy crap this is so insane, it would make a great blog post. I must go!”  But then my partner in crime convinced me that our Saturday would be better spent in more edifying pursuits.

However, not knowing what I’m talking about has never stopped me from blogging before, so I reckon this fabulous girly show is still worth a mention, even if I don’t go.

The show offers everything a woman could possibly be interested in: a token nod to financial businessy stuff to appease any crazy feminists that might accidentally stumble through the door, and tons and tons of Uber-Girly stuff: make-up, fashion, home decorating, food, losing weight — you know, all the things women are really interested in.

Like the ominous, omnipresent and unfortunately named:  Restylane® .  Try to imagine what this could possibly be.  Sounds a bit like a funeral home, doesn’t it? There’s a lot of Restylane® promotion on the website:  Visit the Restylane® booth at the show for ” A Natural Beauty Lift!”

Restylane® is some kind of “natural” substance (hyaluronic acid) that can be shot into your face to plump of those nasty human-looking lines. Yes, it sounds a lot like Botox, but, don’t worry, Restylane® is gentle and safe to your skin. (I didn’t see anything on the website about the possible side effects[1])

Another highlight of the show is a special guest appearance by this dude from The Young and the Restless:

Because all women watch soaps, so this is brooding hunk is bound to draw them like flies. I guess no one who had anything useful to say was available. 

That’s probably why they also got Medium Marc (his actual name) to come in and tell fortunes – ‘cause that’s the other thing all women are crazy about: You will be in wonderment of his predictions and his communication with the hereafter. Come with an open mind and let Marc put your uncertainties to rest. (I’m sorry. I’m really not making this shit up.)

Really, who better than a cocky, wise-assed teenaged boy to put all our silly middle-aged female minds to rest?

Of course no women’s event would be complete without free makeovers. The benevolent people at Il Paradiso Salon have given up their valuable time to transform us all from our frumpy selves into glamorous make-up laden beauties. Coincidently, all their fine products will be available for sale RIGHT AT THE SHOW!!!

I can’t believe I’m going to miss this event. After that nice discussion we all had the other day about pandering to gender, this would have made such a great follow-up blogpost.

Oh well.

[1] blue color or flushing or redness of skin, cough, difficulty in swallowing, dizziness or feeling faint, fever, redness or pain at place of injection, skin rash, hives, and/or itching, stuffy nose, swelling of eyelids, face, or lips, as well as tightness in chest, troubled breathing, and/or wheezing.


33 responses to “Something I won’t be doing this weekend

  1. XUP, I am even more intrigued to go to this show now, after reading your blog. If I didn’t know better I would think you didn’t like any “girly-girl” stuff, but deep down I know you do. I think that the thought of all of it together in one room is just to much for you. I promise to bring you a few samples on Monday and share all the juicy details….

  2. Oh man, I took my Mom to one of these once….ONCE! Never again.

    I looked at it (as I do so many things) as an anthropological mission.

    My Mom wanted to see some guy named Josh who is on the show “Las Vegas”. There were about a 100 screaming middle-aged women drooling at his feet…including my Mother. Sigh. It made her happy.

    The rest of the time we mostly fought to access free samples of food.

    There was no presence by Planned Parenthood or CodePink or the League of Women Voters or anything like that- maybe that would have been too upsetting?

  3. NOw I know why my buddy Jack is flying down from Ottawa this weekend to hang out and party…… just to avoid the WOMENS SHOW!

  4. I really don’t like this show at all.

    They ‘claim’ that you will come up with tons and tons of free stuff. Instead, you come out with tons and tons of garbage. Flyers, magnets.. IMO a big waste of time.

    I normally enjoy these sorts of things. I found the line ups too long, people were pushy, and too big of a crowd for what it was.

    Not my idea of a good time anyway.

  5. Girly-Girl – I am on the floor laughing all my girly bits off. Everyone who doesn’t work in the cubicle next to yours is going to think your comment is serious and not realize that you’re the Amazon Dyke Queen and second funniest chick in the office. Thanks for the comment, babe

    Missy – Ya they almost sucked me in with the lure of free food and wine samples. The whole thing sounds even more dreadful that I could ever imagine

    Lebowski – I didn’t know you and Jack were so serious about avoiding women these days??

    A&J – Thanks for the warning. I sort of suspected that the tons of free gifts weren’t going to be anything I would actually want. I wonder what the National Men’s Show would be like? Is there one?

  6. “Parentheses have a place…but not on your face!!!”

    This is the catchphrase in the Restylane commercial I’ve seen. Which, sadly, just makes this phrase run through my head every time: My fist has a place…right in your face!

    I’m pretty girly-girl, yet something like this doesn’t interest me in the least. I just want to BE a woman. I don’t need to run around trumpeting it and celebrating it, flying a flag with a pair of boobs on it. (“This flag, brought to you by every female cliche ever written!”)

    This line is my favorite: “However, not knowing what I’m talking about has never stopped me from blogging before…” This is practically my Blogging Motto! (As if this even needs to be pointed out.)

  7. I kinda wish I WAS flying a flag with a pair of boobs on it, but probably for a much different reason than the one which keeps lesleykim from flying one. 😉

  8. BE CAREFUL, IT’S A TRAP! It’s put on by a bunch of Scientologist Lesbians trying to get you in on their multi-level reverse pyramid scheme selling cleaning products.

  9. ok.. scientologist lesbians almost made me spit coke out of my nose.

    now that i have composed myself.

    that ‘dude’ is Don Diamont who just happens to play Brad Carleton in my favorite show. so. now. if i were to head to said show, it would really be only to see him.

    he is a hunka burnin love and i would NOT kick him outta my bed for leaving crumbs.

  10. Lesley – Bwah-ha-ha — what a retarded motto. It goes well with their retarded name. I mean, really, Restylane?? What the hell does that mean anyway?

    JB – Why would you fly a boob flag? Has someone called you a boob? Do you think boobs on a flag are hot? Do you want to go live in Boobland and be their standard bearer?

    Woodsy – Okay, it’s a date. There should be plenty of men in uniform.

    Jazz – I’ll make sure you’re on the mailing list for next year!

    Bob – Lesbians aren’t stupid enough to be Scientologists (as a general rule)

    Jobthingy – It’s a good thing you have a jobthingy now to wean you off these nasty daytime tv habits

    JBagain – Ewwwww

    Lesleyagain – It’s not worth it Lesley. The Scientologists will make you renouce your identity and personality in exchange for mediocre scouring powder.

  11. Well, this weekend could have been such a winner for me, the Buy Crap You Don’t Need party hosted by my Sil at her mom’s house. Followed by this… Ha!

    Did we take something take made us immune to the brain damage that would have made us think this was going to be fun?

  12. I went to something like this in 1987. It was free and my neighbor and I were poor housewives with tiny children and it was just something to do. Plus I had to see my soap stars! And it had beer!

  13. Nat – By all means go if the gals are keen. Who knows, it might not be as bad as the website implies. You can post the “after” blogpost to my “before” post. We’ll compare notes

    Jo – Ha ha ha ha ha. Maybe it’s not a coincidence that they’re both there together.

    Woodsy – I knew it!

    Jobthingy – I figured you would. So, are you going to go see your man live and in person on the weekend??

    DP – Let’s get together and do each other’s nails. Maybe it’s not too late!!!

    Aziza – Why, thank you.

    Geewits – Like I said to Nat, who knows what the actual event is like? It might be way more fun than the website. And the free alcohol is a definite plus. Except our event costs $12.

  14. another thing you should not do this weekend is go see “the women”. i saw it last night and, well, it was sort of like a 2 hr commercial for the women’s show. it pretends to be your friends but really just wants to exploit you.
    go for a hike in the gatineau’s instead.

  15. Meanie – Ya, you know, I’ve been a female all my life, experience pretty much everything the average female can expect to experience by my age — and then some. I think I’ve got a pretty good handle on essential “womaness”. I don’t really need a lot of Hollywood slicksters or corporate shills telling me how to think like a woman or be more of a woman with good womanly products. In fact, I find it kind of patronizing. I think this is what I dislike so much about Oprah, too — the assumption that all of us out here are a bunch of lamebrains and need her to tell us how to live. Don’t get me started. I may do a whole post about it some time

  16. BEER!?!?
    Must be for the guys who sneak in, to justify them being there, and reaffirm their guyness, as opposed to their gayness.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

  17. Meanie – They’re like Oprah moonies – scary shit

    Bob – The one in Texas had beer. I’m pretty sure the one in Ottawa said only wine. Although you might be interested to know that many women drink beer these days and some men, gay or otherwise drink wine as well as beer as well as other types of liquor. I know it’s a crazy mixed up world where you can’t tell gender or sexual preference anymore by the type of beverages one enjoys, but there you go. We’re all going to hell in a handbasket.

  18. Oh, XUP. Not a pair of boobs like George W. Bush and whomever would dare to stand beside him these days.
    Actual boobs are always hot, and deserve
    a flag, or to be celebrated, at the very least.
    I would love to live in Boobland.
    Beauty and nurturing, all in one (or two).
    I ask you. Is there a more lovely feature of the female form?
    However – unlike what I believe to be the majority of males’ opinions, size does not matter to me.
    They’re all good.
    Also – Lesbians – okay, if that’s what you’re into
    Scientologists – not so much