Meet my search engine friends

I get a kick out of reading the daily search engine terms list for my blog. I picture these poor lost people desperately trying to find information on odd or important topics and ending up on my blog. What ever do they do next?

Well, I got a very nice email from an American doctor the other day who was doing some unspecified research and suddenly found himself on my blog. He said he spent the next 2 hours reading it instead of getting on with his work. I’m proud to say that somewhere in the US a patient is getting less than excellent treatment today because of me.

To make restitution, I thought I’d help to redirect or answer the burning questions of some of my search engine friends right here and now to save them a lot of unnecessary googling.

  1. blog female [this has brought people to my blog 202 times to date. so many people with no real idea what they’re looking for]
  2. how do I know if my helmet is too tight [the fact that you’re googling this instead of loosening your helmet answers the question]
  3. “threw * down my shirt” [mysterious. I would suggest taking off the shirt and shaking out whatever was thrown down there]
  4. cucumber sizing [a fledgling farmer no doubt]
  5. long-term adultery [I don’t recommend it and if you’re looking it up it’s probably not working for you]
  6. what is the white stuff attached to a fresh egg [this blog will actually answer that question. See A Word About Eggs
  7. tofu cure [tofu is a food, not a disease]
  8. naked man in public [Report this to the police, not my blog]
  9. infections stay on underwear? throw away [I’ll save you some time and say, yes. Also cold germs tend to linger in your bras and other viruses in jeans. Always throw out your clothes if you become ill]
  10. sowing time of strawberries in Canada [Late January. The whole country stops work for a week and heads to the country armed with bags of strawberry seeds which they spend the day sowing over the fields. The seeds cling to the frozen earth and germinate and grow into small strawberry trees by May]
  11. liza minelli no makeup [I caught you Dr. Kevorkian]
  12. old toilet paper mites [I don’t even want to know]
  13. funny reasons not to have a sugar daddy [that sounds like blog post research, let me know when it’s done]
  14. odd things to think about [you’ve probably come to the right place]
  15. silver biotic bubbles in feces [Have you met the old toilet paper mite guy?]

And a few [scary] people looking for other people’s blogs and ending up here with search terms like:

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26 responses to “Meet my search engine friends

  1. The “Lebowski” sweater vest cannot be purchased.
    It is meticulously grown and groomed on a daily basis by its owner.

  2. UP – Hey, I didn’t make up the search terms, this is what the public wants to know!! I’d take perky if I were you. It sounds a lot hotter than lop-sided.

    Lebowski – I’m intrigued that people are interested in it.

    Kitty – WordPress gives you all that exciting information on your stats page — you can see where your hits are coming from, how many, most popular posts, search terms that brought people to your blog and a whole host of other exciting information. I don’t remember blogger giving you diddly. Switch to our side, kitty – it’s fun, dangerous and exciting.

    Linsey – I’d be real interested to hear one or two or your personal favorites.

  3. Yeah, when I’m too lazy to actually write a blog entry, I’ll instead check out my Google Analytics account and get a kick out of what weird things people search for to get to my blog (“fucking bicycle” is one that sticks in my mind…)

    – RG>

  4. Is it inappropriate slash embarrassing to say I finally saw The Big Lebowski for the first time last week? Outdoors, with an awesome screen and an awesome audio?

    I’m with Deb — Google’s like the world’s biggest Ouija Board.

  5. I love checking the search terms. I get the most hits from a post I wrote on Billy Bob Thornton of all things. Oh and Tina Fey’s glasses.

  6. Here are a few favorites from this month:

    smell old door handles
    im not gonna leave you no ones perfect
    car smell old woman
    squirrel pee pic
    broom handle in asshole
    my shit has been green for three days
    john tesh bare chested

  7. RealGrouchy – Are you calling me lazy?? Fucking bicylce is an interesting one. I wonder if there’s a porn market for that

    Helen – I think he was in Maryland. Are you in Maryland?

    Mike – I’m not sure how some of these land on my blog. I can’t remember every writing anything about most of that stuff.

    Deb – Google is the Big Brother we all feared in 1984 and embrace in 2008

    Ellie – Not embarassing or inappropriate. I didn’t even know such a thing existed until yesterday.

    Jobthingy – Instead of damning blogger, why not switch to WordPress? It’s ever so much more fun.

    CP – How do you access google analytics? I think some people (like Mr. Kitty) would like to know

    Debra – For the longest time I was getting searches for a post I did about that local pedophile. They searched him by name and by location – day after day after day after day. I was starting to get a little worried, but it’s stopped now.

    Linsey – Broom handle in asshole? And I thought the guy with the too tight helmet was a retard for turning to google instead of loosening his helmet

    Meanie – You could make a bundle – quit your job and stay home posting photos and provocative stories of old mommies. It would be fun and you’d have a relatively harmless client base — except for the Norman Bates

  8. Looking at my most popular search terms for this month, it appears that I write about women too much (or else my site appeals to dirty old men):

    Sarah Palin
    sarah larson
    laura croft
    LILLY TOMLIN
    sexy high school girls [I get at least 5 hits a day on this]
    Holly Hunter
    world’s fattest woman

  9. To use Google Analytics, you sign up for free at
    http://www.google.com/analytics. You install their software on your blog, and then it transmits information to you.

    (It’s really easy if you sign up for a free gmail account…)

    Google is taking over the world (not that that’s a bad thing), and everything they can tell you about your site is really cool…in a creepy ‘big brother’ kinda way. 😉

  10. Don’t ask me why, but there are an awful lot of Russian porn stars with my name … I have not been, nor will I ever be, a porn star or naked on the Internet in any capacity. LOL! ;P

  11. DP – OOooOOoo, I’m sorry about your doctor — he’s got pretty good taste in blogs, though, don’t you think? Ha ha

    Tania – Sure, blame it on foreign porn stars.

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