things i used to know about sex

I grew up on a farm so there were always a lot of breeding animals around. I also had 3 brothers, a comprehensive family medical encyclopaedia and a healthy curiosity, so I can’t ever remember not knowing the basics of boy/girl parts or the mechanics of copulation and reproduction. But, it wasn’t until 7th grade that I actually started learning things about sex.

Two things happened in grade 7 to move my education forward. First, we had a girl transferred to our school for a few months who was obviously pregnant. As you can imagine, this was the ultimate in high pre-teen drama. She wasn’t the least bit shy about it, either and regaled us, at every opportunity, with the disgusting, yet titillating details of fornication.

The second thing that helped send my birds and bees into a tizzy was that one of the girls in our gang, Oxana, who was fully developed by age 12 started getting molested by her mom’s boyfriend. I know that now[1]. But this was before daytime talk shows and other sources of widespread knowledge about sexual abuse. So, at the time  she just used to tell us jaw-dropping stories about things the mom’s boyfriend would tell her about sex and how he’d try to “tongue kiss” her or try to get her to touch his “thing”.  We just thought she was terribly sophisticated and exciting and grown up, if a bit naughty for doing these things with her mother’s boyfriend.

Between the two of them we learned things like:

  • Married people do it every day even if they don’t want to have babies.
  • Sex hurts women a lot, but they have to do it to get their woman parts ready for squeezing babies out.
  • Men, teenage boys and slutty women actually like doing sex.
  • If you let a guy “tongue kiss” you then you have to have sex with him because otherwise all the stuff in his balls will back up and give him a heart attack.
  • If you haven’t had sex with a member of the opposite sex by the time you’re 16 then you have to become homosexual. (Although we weren’t completely sure what this meant, I remember some of us girls felt relieved that there was an option and that it had to be better than the apparent brutality of heterosexual coupling). 

 [1] I’m sorry, Oxana, that we used to relish these stories that must have been horrible for you in reality. I hope you are well, wherever you are.

31 responses to “things i used to know about sex

  1. It’s good to see that there were others getting the true facts of sexuality while still young enough to enjoy it.
    One of the best things I learned was that when a woman gets pregnant her breasts swell to twice the normal size.
    Just a tiny bit confused as to the whole bra cup versus band size thing i assumed that hat meant that if Bridget Bardot was a size 36 as in 36 24 36 then if she got pregnant she would go to a size 72.
    I imagined the poor woman walking around with 6 feet of boobs to tote with her.

  2. I remember a very vivid conversation with my best friend April who told me the facts of life.

    They were as follows: There are two ways to have a baby. One: you could pray to God for one. Or two: You could let a man stick his willy in you. She claimed that most people chose the God way.

    I told her that that was the option I was going to go for.

    Two kids in…it’s working!

  3. Bandobra – I think it’s unseemly for a man to know too much about breasts anyway.

    Missy – If you waited too long to let a boy do it to you, then obviously you are.

    Nat – Yes. I had an inordinately long research period myself.

    Dr. Monkey – This is, if nothing else, an informational blog. Feel free to pass on useful information to your friends and loved ones.

    MisssyM – Damn! I wish I’d known that. I went the willy route because I thought it was the only way. Of course now there’s also the turkey baster route.

  4. damn. i better make sure the man and i dont tongue kiss so much. i would hate for the stuff in his balls to cause him a heart attack.

    thanks for the new found smarts babe. i dont know what i would do without you

  5. That’s funny! This kinda reminds me of that film (yes, it was a film, on a projector) that we watched in Fifth Grade. The girls got to stay in with Miss Stevens and the boys got to go into Mr. Floyd’s room and watch theirs.

    Eons later, we were out to dinner with some friends, and we were discussing The Film. They, too, had seen The Film in a different state but around the same time in school. Our guy friend looks at us and says, “You know…my friends and I finally figured out what was on the girls’ film!”

    “You did? What?”

    “It was an instructional video on how to butter bread without ripping through it with the knife and how to remember important dates like birthdays and anniversaries, wasn’t it.”

    Imagine our surprise that he’d figured it out… 😉

  6. At Boyz Nite, last night, one of the Boyz announced that it was slutty for women my age, SINGLE women my age, to enjoy multiple sex partners (one at a time; we didn’t even touch on at the smae time), but perfectly okay for a single man my age to have multiple sex partners (preferably at the same time). I was LIVID! Do people actually still think like this? ARGH!!!!!!!!

  7. That thing about tongue kissing: God’s truth.

    As for my sex education, my Dad told me all about the birds and the bees when I was 11. Next time I was outside, I got stung by a bee and thought I was pregnant.

    Thank you. You’ve been a great audience. I’m here all week. I have cassettes on sale in the lobby. Try the veal. Don’t forget to tip your server. And drive safely on the way home.

  8. OK great – I’m a guy and my dog accidentally touched my tongue with his tongue – does that mean we both have to go and get it drained before we have strokes?????

  9. My knowledge of sex came from the Playboy magazines in the house. To me that meant that if you didn’t look LIKE THAT you wouldn’t even be bothered for sex. Boy was I wrong on that one.

  10. Jobthingy- The worst thing about this is that every time we heard about some poor unfortunate soul having a heart attack we’d giggle our heads off, which of course would have been totally inappropriate.

    UP – Are you sure he didn’t just say that because you look so sexy when you’re livid? I’m sure boys were told at some time that if you can get a girl really mad, you’re only one step away from crazy monkey love…happens in the movies all the time

    Bob – Get the hook!

    Lebowski – Accidentally? Let’s be honest, Lebowski, this wasn’t really an accident, was it? It’s okay to experiment with different kinds of physical love. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. And, don’t worry, you can’t get pregnant the first time.

    Violetsky – I’m still confused about a lot of stuff, too.

    Geewits – Ya, I’ve heard men don’t care what you look like as long as you have a pulse and give in without too much effort on their part.

  11. Wow, looks like I *almost* became a homosexual!

    You have an excellent memory xup, somehow I managed to block all memories of sex talk when I was younger lol

  12. X – Well, I don’t think there’s really much more TO know, is there?

    Ellie – They get blue because the guy’s having a heart attack, I think.

    Bandobras – Of course. See how it’s all coming together at last??

    Jazz – I’m sure on some level he already knows. There are much, much worse things you could be afterall.

    UA – It’s funny the things you can dredge up sometimes — stuff that hasn’t entered your consciousness in decades. In this case it was because my daughter came home with some crazy story that involved sex misinformation and I suddenly remembered all the stupid stuff we used to think.

  13. 16 ?????
    Man that was all of 30 years ago (almost) does that mean I have to change teams? I like the team I am on but if the rules are you have to lose it at 16 then I missed the boat.

  14. My 7th grader hopped in the car after the school recently and immediately asked me, “Mom, isn’t it AGAINST THE LAW to have sex before you’re 18-years old?”

    Of course, I emphatically nodded, “Yes, yes, it is <very much against the law.” You know, because I’m all about misinformation.

    He smugly nodded to himself, “I knew it.”

    My little know-it-all prude. Who, according to your sex rules, will have to be homosexual if he’s to abide by the laws of this great land.

  15. as a young teen i innocently thought oral sex was just two people talking dirty on the phone and didn’t know why everyone made a big deal about….. probably explains my popularity with high school boys.

  16. Lebowski – Well rules are rules. There are plenty of us who have to stay on our respective default teams.

    OTC – See! It’s ALWAYS the mothers who turn their sons gay.

    Meanie – (snort) Er… are you’re talking about your popularity with high school boys NOW or when you were a teen?

  17. Papa Pan is teaching 7th grade this year…he was asking me for tips on the health curriculum.

    I’m having him read this.

  18. The movie they showed my class in 6th grade was about what happens after car accidents, especially if you weren’t wearing a seatbelt – which we didn’t even have much in those days. Everybody in the class left before the end of the movie except me and some threw up when they got out the door. I would have rather had the sex ed movie. But I AM a better driver now.

  19. I just remember the time in sex ed class where the teacher passed contraceptives around the room. There is nothing more interesting than a group of teenage boys passing around IUDs and diaphragms. I’m still fascinated by diaphragms to this day. They remind me so much of yarmulkes.

  20. Meanie – Oh, come on! I don’t believe that — you’re still a young, blond hottie.

    Anonymous (MM??) – Glad to be able to contribute the the further education of a new crop of pre-teens

    Julia – In our day, it wasn’t exactly as sex ed movie — it was more of a Kotex commercial. I have no idea what the boys did while we were being brainwashed

    Brad – Next time, for fun, poke a wee tiny hole in your partner’s diaphram and wait for the hilarity to ensue. Wait.