I ♥ James Dyson

It’s true – I’m totally in love with the Dyson vacuum cleaner guy. First, well…have you seen the TV ad? He’s so cute with his little accent and unassuming manner. And, he’s so damn proud of his dual cyclone technology. And he says clever and meaningful things like, “I just think things ought to work properly.”

And then there’s the whole thing about spending 5 years of your life working on something that people are just going to hate anyway, no matter how good it is.  Because, let’s face it, vacuuming has got to be the most onerous household chore there is.  I’d rather do a month’s worth of laundry on rocks in a river than vacuum.

Even if you’ve spent thousands on a high tech machine or central vac system, it’s still makes an annoying sound and you still have to lug awkward bits of paraphernalia around your house, shove furniture around, bend down, reach up, pick things off the floor that the vacuum doesn’t like, stop to pull things out of the vacuum that it shouldn’t have sucked up. And when you’re done, you still find corners you’ve missed.

And things are always breaking or going wrong on vacuums.  Mine’s all held together with duct tape. I haven’t been able to find exactly the right bags for years. It’s not even a vacuum so much as an apparatus that laconically inhales debris with an immoderate sigh.

If my boyfriend James Dyson or someone else clever wanted to really come up with something worthwhile, they might look into the idea of a completely hands-off cleaning system.

I’m thinking maybe some sort of vortex in your home that continually draws in stuff off the floors.  There could be a size and/or weight limit on the stuff it can take, of course. Not only would your floors always be spotless, but it would also force everybody to clean up after themselves or risk losing their stuff forever.

Or maybe a product with which to coat your floors and carpets that would instantly absorb stuff – along the same lines as those eerie Tide-To-Go things that magically disappear stains. I think I would be willing to risk the massive toxins required to create such a product if it meant I never had to vacuum again.

Meanwhile, it’s Saturday and at some point before the end of this day, I have to fire up Old Red and see if we can push some cat hair around.