Gemini – May 22 – June 21
The dual nature of your personality will cause you a lot of grief this summer, Gemini, as you are torn between lazing on on the beach with a case of beer and some tunes and showing up for work every day while everyone else is on vacation, causing the tension within you to build to such a degree that you will harm yourself or someone close to you. Romance with a Libra looks promising at the end of July, but beware!
Cancer – June 22 – July 22
Your star sign name may prove to be a bit of an omen this summer as you find yourself with yet another sunburn. Take heart, though, as this will be your last one, ever. The skin you have left after the surgery mid-August will need to be covered up with goofy safari-wear from now on. A trip to Rangoon is likely as summer ends.
Leo – July 23 -August 21
A haircut later this month will divest you of more than just your lionly mane. Indeed, people will begin looking at you in a completely different light. You will feel like everyone is staring at you all the time, whispering behind your back and plotting things against you. A new hobby, and a prescription from a Gemini, will ease feelings of alienation by August. A small pet may be involved.
Virgo – August 22 – September 23
This is the summer that you finally let loose and rid yourself of that virginal cloak forever. The thing that’s been holding you back is cured with some over-the-counter salve and you’re on your way to a summer of love like a rutting pit-bull. Come September you’ll find new acquaintances in the legal or medical professions. A recent purchase will cause you a serious injury.
Libra – September 24 – October 23
The love interests in your life become weary of you weighing the relative merits of each and not being able to make up your mind. They move on leaving you quite alone the entire summer. You are shattered and lonely and so naturally begin stalking each to try to force them to come back to you. Frustration and anger builds causing you to begin drinking heavily. Take extra care after July that your home doesn’t become cluttered with empties.
Scorpio – October 24 – November 22
Surprisingly, your acerbic personality is “in” this summer. You’ll wow them at the beaches, BBQ parties and patios over the next 3 months. Members of both sexes want to be close to you and you’ll let them. This will make you happier than you’ve ever been in your life. Happiness will cause you to lose your edge, though, and soon all your new friends will drift away leaving you back to where you started – bitter and alone. Your solution lies with Aquarian Oprah’s New Vegan Diet.
Sagittarius – November 23 – December 22
Your overall laziness will keep you from getting too overheated this summer. Your inertia will cause you to gain some weight however by mid-summer. You worry about this briefly and get up to try and exercise, but then bump into something. It hurts and makes you cry. You feel like giving up on life at this point, but by the end of August realize that would be too much of an effort.
Capricorn – December 23 – January 20
Stubborn, stubborn Capricorn. Your refusal to believe in summer won’t make it go away. This may be the year you acknowledge the heat and buy a few summer clothes and maybe an air conditioner. But you won’t enjoy either because the new feeling of comfort leaves you less miserable than usual causing you unhappiness. You compensate by eating things that irritate your ulcer.
Aquarius – January 21 – February 19
The age of Aquarius is over, baby and it’s high time you moved on. Another summer of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll just isn’t on. Your mortgage is overdue, the kids have been taken away by social services and your spouse is working 3 jobs. Listen to a canny Scorpio who offers sound advice. Get a flatiron. Heed the wisdom of Nietzsche who said, “ Straight hair is the gateway to a straight life.”
Pisces – February 20- March 20
Because of a new job opportunity, you’ll be spending a lot of time on, and in the water this summer, Pisces. Romance will fizzle out, however, as your slippery nature becomes too frustrating for your love interest. But then, oops! You find out a guppy is on the way. What to do? What to do? Once again, water will provide the answer sometime near the beginning of August. Choose a night with a lot of cloud cover.
Aries – March 21 – April 20
Your reputation as the most disliked of all the star signs takes a hiatus for a few months as you remove yourself from society and spend some time on quiet personal reflection. You will come to realize a lot of unpleasant things about yourself during this meditative period, but will deny them all. Then as autumn approaches you will write a book about yourself which will have no bearing on reality and which no one will buy. Don’t listen to Leo when he tries to talk you into selling the movie rights.
Taurus – April 21 – May 21
Like the bull in the china shop of the world that you are, you will blunder through this summer like you do every other season. While driving drunk in July you will maim a family of 4 in a mini-van and you’ll be sent to jail for a week. Your cellmate, a Virgo, will fall in love with you. At first you are repulsed, but Virgo begins to grow on you by the time you’re released. The two of you begin a life of unmitigated disaster by summer’s end.