Daddy Dearest

Father’s Day is the time to honour all the great fathers out there – the guys who do their very best to parent children that will grow up to be healthy, happy, well-adjusted, productive, responsible human beings.

Last year, in honour of Father’s Day, I wrote a kind of mixed-feelings post about my own father. So this year, as a bit of colourful contrast, I thought I’d do a round-up of some of the worst fathers ever.

The world of sports seems to foster some really bad dads. Take George Foreman  , for instance. He had ten children with five different women and named them all George (the kids, not the women) — except for the daughter, who he named Georgetta. And then he gave them all retarded nick-names (Like Big George and Little George) so he could tell them apart.

Or how about Evander Holyfield who had 9 kids with 9 different women and refuses to pay child support. Or Travis Henry who has 11 children with 10 different women  and owes so much in unpaid child support, (while under a $22 million contract) that he was arrested. There seem to be a lot of sports figures with a pile of kids from different women.  Rock starts have groupies, too, but at least rock stars seem to know a little something about contraception.

The entertainment world has also seen more than its fair share of really horrible dads. 

Bing Crosby (Der Bingo), who always seemed like such a happy-go-lucky, white-christmassy,  pleasant fellow turns out to have been a master of mental and physical cruelty both to his kids and to his wife. Two of his kids were so scarred they eventually shot themselves. The only one to survive, Gary, wrote a tell-all book about his experiences.  It ain’t pretty.

Ryan O’Neal,  is/was arguably the worst Hollywood father ever.  Among all sorts of other weird and creepy parenting abuse, he once beat the teeth out of his 14-year-old son Griffin’s head. He also shot at him a few times and forced his daughter, Tatum to snort cocaine so she wouldn’t be such a “fat pig”. Tatum eventually tried to kill herself by slitting her wrists. Helpful dad pointed out she was stupid because she’d slit them the wrong way.

Woody Allen, who I can’t even bear to watch anymore after that whole Soon-Yi thing, says their relationship has, “ a more paternal feeling to it.”  Yuck. Really. Yuck. Yuck.

Linsay Lohan  and Jessica Simpson  both have dads from hell.  Their dads keep claiming credit for whatever success the kids have. They keep trying to take control of their kids’ money. They keep getting themselves in the spotlight at the expense of their kids. Their kids are a freakin’ mess and still they won’t let up. Can’t these guys be locked up or something?

They need some up-locking because they’re influencing other men to think that cashing in on your kids is a good idea. People like bad and stupid dad, Richard Heene,  aka Balloon Boy’s dad.

Then there are the ultimate whacko dads like Winston Blackmore,   former “bishop” of his polygamous splinter fundamentalist Mormon society in Bountiful, British Columbia. At last count he had some 25 wives and 101 children. There was also a lot of talk about child brides, incest, psychological abuse and other fun stuff.

Josef Fritzl, though, probably takes the cake for being a really, really bad father.  And by “takes the cake”, I’m hoping the cake he takes will be made of rat poison or toxic sludge or something. You may recall, Josef Fritzl as the Austrian guy who kept his daughter locked in the basement for 24 years and forced her to have 7 kids by him.

However, the grand prize for worst father ever, I think has to go to G.O.D., right? According to his own autobiography,

  • He drowned 99% of his children in a big-assed flood;
  • He did freaky shit like telling one of His sons to kill his own kid and then at the last minute, when He’s reduced the guy to a blubbering mess, yells “Psych! Ha ha, I really had you going…. You were actually going to do it, weren’t you, you nutjob?”;
  • He has his favourite kid, (who incidentally He let some other guy raise) be tortured and murdered while He watched. Then He tells him to stop whining when the kid says he can’t take all the hanging around with nails in his hands and feet anymore;
  • He only talks to some of his kids personally, telling them to do all sorts of crazy, killy, embarassing stuff which makes them seem insane and gets them locked up or pumped full of drugs;
  • He randomly punishes his kids for no reason, inflicting them with diseases/pestilances, deaths and other shitty stuff  — just because He can;
  • He rewards some of his other kids that really don’t deserve it. Like, He’ll look around and find the stupidest-looking kid – the one with one hand up his nose and one hand down his pants – and gives him an entire country to rule;
  • He seems to love watching his kids fighting over Him and spends a lot of time pitting one kid against another kid just for the fun of it; and,
  • He is forever threatening His kids with burning-in-hell type stuff, if they so much as even think about breaking any of  His 90 million totally arbitrary and inexplicable rules.

So who do you think is the worst father ever?

Or, if you want to be more positive on this auspicious occasion, tell us about a great dad.

Meanwhile,  a very Happy Father’s Day to all you guys out there who do your  loving, caring, selfless, supportive daddy thing each and every day. Have a good one!

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26 responses to “Daddy Dearest

  1. Don’t forget when God killed all the first-borns whose parents didn’t smear their doors with lambs’ blood.

    Nothing like killing infants that had nothing to do with enslaving the Jews.

    Especially when God could just as easily have targeted the Pharaoh’s soldiers, and left the babies alone.

    Nope…I guess that’s irrelevant.

    Happy Father’s Day, God.

  2. This is a freaking brilliant post. And yeah, that god guy takes the cake.

    Maybe the Bing Crosbys of the world are simply trying to emulate him.

  3. “Tatum eventually tried to kill herself by slitting her wrists. Helpful dad pointed out she was stupid because she’d slit them the wrong way.”

    Man! He is one majorly f%&^%$ up insensitive prick! Poor Tatum!

    The men mentioned in this post should get a swift kick to their testicles this Father’s Day!

  4. What an awesome post! It’s kind of amazing how totally shit some fathers really are to their kids.

    When I found out Bing Crosby was so horrible to his family, I had such a hard time reconciling that with his sweet, good natured performances in movies like Holiday Inn. So wrong!

  5. Do you know what I would like to see! Bad Dad gift ideas. Around this time of year we are inundated with flyers filled with gift ideas for “great” fathers. What about gift ideas for Dad’s who are not so great. Nothing expensive of course because we wouldn’t dare want to spend much money on it/them, but just a little something to let them know how crappy they really are.
    Not all people would have the nerve to give such a gift but for those who do what a great idea.

  6. Dear XUP,
    Written with great wit as usual although the list of crimes of the bad fathers is quite unsettling.. Now I do realise that you are writing a parody but as a Christian it is upsetting to see God being placed at the top of this list of terrible fathers when my personal experience is that He is the best father of all.

  7. Not only that, but the 7th day of rest turned out to be a sham. Dam.

    XUP this was — what’s another word for awesome or brilliant? Cause I don’t know what else to say. “The one with one hand up his nose and one hand down his pants…” ROFL.

  8. Friar – If we want to sit down and itemize examples of bad parenting on behalf of the big guy, we’d never finish. He’s a really bad role model, that’s for sure.

    Jazz – Ya, there seem to be a lot of “good christian men” who take their example from the big kahuna.

    Pauline – “insensitive” is a major understatement. Shooting at your kids is actually kind of psychotic if you ask me.

    Kimberly – I don’t think you’re the only one. Some of the old timers still don’t believe it.

    Friar – I guess that’s why they call them actors. Rock Hudson used to look like he was really diggin’ Doris Day, too.

    Salayna – Ah, Father’s Day gifts for bad fathers? Like Bing Crosby’s Greatest Hits? Ha ha – get it …”hits”??? Ha ha ha …I kill myself.

    LGS – I’m happy that you’re happy with your relationship with god, but you must admit he’s done some pretty inexplicable things to “his children”. I know, he had his reasons which we’re not supposed to question and which we do not need to understand, but I can’t help not being able to take all that on faith. None of it makes any sense to me. It would be awful if human fathers took his example in their own parenting – and I’m afraid some of them do, in the name of Christianity. But let’s not get into a theological discussion. I hope you will be able to take this post in the spirit in which it was intended.

    Grouchy – Hush now. I was expecting one or two people here to be a little offended; although no offense was intended.

    Davina – Thanks. Have you clicked on any of the links? Especially the bible story links where they recreate biblical epics using lego people?

  9. Wow, god is kind of mean, no wonder people think god is a woman. And there is no scientific way to prove that god does or does not exist, if there was Richard Dawkins would have found it and even he admits it is impossible to disprove god…the best anyone can do is snark at people who believe in him.

  10. I am absolutely obsessed with George Foreman. I’ve even read his autobiography, “By George.” He has 10 children, but only 5 are boys (and other than Georgetta, the other girls do not have George-derived names). Our son has five stuffed animals named for the nicknames of George’s five sons, including his most special friend, a monkey named Big Wheel (aka George Foreman Jr. #3).

    I know, we are screwed up.

    In other news, regarding Ryan O’Neal, you didn’t mention that at Farrah Fawcett’s funeral, he saw a hot young blond woman and thought he’d hit on her, and after a few minutes of chatting, the woman realized that Ryan did not recognize her as HIS OWN DAUGHTER, Tatum. GROSS.

    I love so many Bing Crosby movies, I’m so sad to hear he was such a tyrant. That book is going on my reading list, for sure.

  11. Dear XUP,
    Thanks for your reply.I understand your reaction/perception of those actions by God. There is, of course, an alternative perspective. But as you say, this was not meant to be a theological discussion. So peace, sister.

  12. You didn’t even mention the scores of fathers that either kill their children or kill their children’s mother when they go batnuts crazy because the mother leaves and wants a divorce. That’s such a common news item that a lot of people probably don’t even think about it. That’s a whole blog post I’d like you to do.
    As for the god part, the bible is a mythological book written by people in the ancient past that were just trying to figure out why things happen and to keep their populaces in check. The actual creator of the universe is awesome and has nothing whatsoever to do with the mythological figure that unenlightened people wrote about thousand of years ago. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. And Happy Father’s Day to you, because you have done that job for 17 years. You go xup!

  13. Cedar – As I said to LGS, this is not meant as an attack on people who believe in god. No where here do I snark at people who have faith. If it makes you happy and gives you strength to believe that then more power to you. The rest of us could very well be losing out on something important. I just can’t believe it myself. It makes no sense to me and I need it to in order to believe it. This post was just mocking the stories about god from the bible. And you have to admit there are some pretty crazy stories in there.

    Lynn – You are some bizarre (as they say in the maritimes). Why are you obsessed with these horrible people?

    LGS – Peace to you too and thank you for understanding that I wasn’t attacking you or anyone else who believes – just the whacky stories.

    Geewits – Why thank-you. I don’t think anyone has ever wished me a happy fathers’ day before! And you’re right there are a million other really terrible fathers out there. I obviously couldn’t talk about them all. I have considered a post on these crazy stalker guys. I need the right context, if that makes any sense

  14. as crappy as my father sometimes was as a dad when i was a kid, he doesn’t come near any of these so called fathers. holy crap!

    and speaking of holy crap… loved the rest of the post. brilliant.

    and geewits is totally on the ball. definitely a happy father’s day to you!

  15. man you are an amazing writer.

    sick what some people are capable of. thank goodness i have the dad i’ve got, and that my girls have the daddy they’ve got.

    as for those who haven’t got a dad in their life, they should all hope to have strong, amazing, loving, smart, and all that other good stuff kinda mamas (like you) in their life to make up for it.

    also want to mention that you are also very tactful and kind with your comments to the ones who disagree with you, that is cool. LGS also deserves a thumbs up for taking it so well. religion is a dangerous topic but both of you still managed to remain friendly.

  16. LGS doesn’t have to be unfriendly because of XUP’s blasphemy. God will strike her anyway. Now if only more Christians could learn to leave that sort of revenge to their god of love and compassion.

  17. Any father who sexually abuses his own child. Worst. Father. Ever. The kids have to live with the legacy forever. It changes who you are, who you become.

  18. Smothermother – Thanks. And ya, most of our parents weren’t perfect, but they were a little closer than these guys.

    Betsy Mae – Thank you so much. Apparently one in three kids is being raised just by their mum. Silly men to miss out on such a great experience. Anyway, in many ways I admire and maybe even envy people who have such an unshakeable faith in something like god. I was raised in that tradition myself and my mother has always been very devout. I’ve had all the arguments I ever want to have on the topic with her and with the church, so I’m not going to argue with anyone here. People need something in their lives to give them strength and hope and guide them through their lives. As long as they’re not hurting anyone else, then more power to them.

    Dave1949 – Yes, we’ve all gotten a very bad impression of “believers” over the years. All those priest scandals; all those crazies overseas; all the crazies in our own countries. But there are still a lot of quiet, regular folk who call themselves Christians are actually kind, tolerant, peaceful folk.

    Tian – No question about that at all. If being a father means exploiting, abusing or otherwise damaging your children then children are better off without a dad at all. And you’re right, unfortunately. It defines you in many ways. You can work hard to erase that legacy, and replace it with something more positive, but I don’t think it ever leaves you

  19. Bones fans would know that Ryan O’Neal plays the protagonist’s semi-estranged father. The character is incarcerated and trying to make right with his children, but this is hindered by his history of being a smooth-talking criminal. His character is incredibly sympathetic, but I always feel grossly creeped out after he appears in an episode and I remember how much of a d-bag O’Neal is in real life.

    (And now, with David Boreanaz’s infidelity coming to light, I’m even more icked out, given his clean-as-a-whistle character in the show.)

  20. Kelvin – Ryan O’Neal always creeped me out anyway; even before I heard all this crap about it. And really, if we only liked actors, sports figures, artists, musicians, politicians, etc. who were squeaky clean, we’d have no entertainment or politics.

  21. You’re awesome and I love the part about GOD. My Dad was a saint, my hero, and I miss him dearly. He helped raise three girls that were not biologically his and the most amazing example of a human that I’ve ever met. (Except you of course XUP ;)