What’s New in Vulvaland?

I still can barely wrap my head around the idea that females spend a lot of time, money and effort (and pain) to wax, shave or otherwise keep their cootchie hair-free.  Or to stencil designs into their love-hedges.

Then I read on someone’s blog a while back about  vajazzling – popularized by Jennifer Love Ghost Whisperer Hewitt in her biography and by Kathy Griffin in her on-air Poolside Pap Test. If it was going to be televised, she said, she wanted it to be (quote) as va-beautiful as it va-can.

If you’re squeamish about clicking the links, (and who could blame you)vajazzling is gluing shiny crystals in pretty designs on your shaven hoo-ha. Why people do this is beyond the scope of this blogpost, but Jennifer Love Ghost Whisperer Hewitt had hers done after she broke up with her husband or had her dog down or some such trauma…I can’t remember..  But the message is clear — nothing neutralizes human emotions better than a sparkly cootchie.

Okay, so we’ve established that some people are a little crazy. But now I read (in a reputable newspaper) that there is a whole line of ladybits-related products on the market.

For instance, there’s Linger – which is (are you ready?) “vaginal breath mints”.

Huh?

That’s right.  Apparently 72% of women are self-conscious about the scent or flavour of their dark, moist place. So now they can smell and taste like a candy cane. The mint, which you do NOT eat,  takes 45 minutes to fully dissolve. The theory being that this will encourage partners to “linger” a full 45 minutes instead of the desultory, token 30 seconds just to say they’ve done “the foreplay bit” (Of course a partner like that you might need something more than a vag mint, but that again, is beyond the scope of this particular blogpost.)

On the flip side of this coin, the Germans have come up with a “cologne” called Vulva Original  that smells like an authentic vulva is supposed to. (PS: Save watching the ad on that link until you’re in a private place. But don’t forget come back and watch it. It’s bizzaro!) The CEO of Vivaeros, the company that produces Vulva, says:

It is for your own smelling pleasure. You just put it on the back of our hand, smell it and the film starts rolling in your head.

Then once you’re hairless, be-jewelled, minty-fresh and have sent your partner off with some real Vulva to smell, you can go for some labia dye – My New Pink Button. It comes it four lovely hues of pink – Marilyn, Bettie, Ginger and Audry. I guess it’s a similar concept to vaginal or anal  bleaching . Because who doesn’t wants their nether regions to be fresh and pink, right? Because you can’t get or keep a man if your orifices aren’t fresh and pink and youthful looking. And also you’ll hate yourself even more with non-pink orifices and you’ll feel totally nonsexy. Oh, and old and used up. And way too…you know…human. Ewwww.

So anyway, to celebrate all this fun attention the punani is getting, Etsy, everyone’s favourite online handmade stuff shop,  is selling a bunch of Vagina Appreciation merchandise to (quote) foster understanding and appreciation of Vagina.

See? It’s working already because I, for one, did not even realize that vaginas were misunderstood or underappreciated.

So, what does Etsy offer to help everyone love the vayjay?

Well, I know you’ll all want to rush out and get a VulvaLoveLovely Portrait Pendant  for instance. (Again, don’t click on this at work) You just email them a few close up photos of your yoni and they make a pendant for you that looks exactly like your very own special area.

Etsy is also selling Vegan Vulva Lip Balm (sweet cherry flavour only),  Frida Kahlo Uterus Pillows, (Don’t worry the pillows don’t look like Frida Kahlo’s uterus. They are just pillows shaped like a uterus and fallopian tubes that look like Frida Kahlo. I know eh? Phew!)

 There are also Ovulating Fertile Uterus Pillows .

And then there’s this charming clutch purse that (quote) rocks a Vulva and her heart-shaped pubic hair with a fuchsia pearl clitoris on a pink zebra-striped base. (Click to embiggen if you must)

So versatile and roomy and yet so attractive! You can wear it with anything and take it everywhere. What’s not to love, right?

Ye gods and little fishes!

Etsy is all horrified by the vajazzling and vag mint stuff and thinks it’s doing something good for feminism with their particular products. And, I’m all for people loving, enjoying and celebrating their bodies and other people’s bodies, but I think it’s just weird and de-humanizing to do it one body part at a time like this. Sorry.

Am I the only one who thinks this is all incredibly bizzare? Except for that German ad, of course. That’s beyond bizzare.

About these ads

42 responses to “What’s New in Vulvaland?

  1. I prefer the hair and the natural scent. Call me kooky but it’s worked for hundreds of thousands of years.

  2. Yeah, this is all very strange. And really, that German ad was more than I needed at 7:30 in the morning….it was too, too pornishly weird. All I can say to that on is: WTF? Who sits around and thinks this crap up? And who pays actual money for it? The rest of the stuff is equally bizarre and all stuff I couldn’t have even imagined people would do. But really, what’s with that pendant? Where are you wearing that? I guess, the same place that you are going when you’re carrying your vulva handbag.

  3. I’m going to vajazzle the shit out of my lady bits. Then I’m goign to assjazzle and whatever else will allow for it. I’m goign to look fucking fantastic.

  4. I can understand the whole shaving thing, but the rest of this stuff? Please! And I bet it only gets worse the more you delve into it.

    Are there equally bizarre things for the male nether reaches? I’m afraid to look.

  5. BWAHAHAH! This made my Monday morning!!

    Oh, where do you come up with this shit?

    Do you wake up one day and go “Hmmm….I think I’m going to write about Vagina breath-mints” ? :-)

    (Ever better, where do the OTHER people come up with this shit?) Good Lord.

    My favorite is the Vegan Vulva Lip Balm. Not only because of their “pun intended” reference to lips. But the fact that it’s VEGAN.

    Because that apparently is important, when one is applying chapstick to their nether-regions.

  6. See this is what happens when a society gets obsessed with consumerism and materialism. I have long thought that the world would be much better place if we tried to limit that behavior and instead spent a great deal more time making love instead of making money. Use the parts for what they were designed for instead of trying to dress them up into something they are not.

  7. Dr. Monkey – I can’t wait until penijazzling becomes popular! Can you?

    Kimberly – I did warn you. I can’t imagine what Etsy is thinking either. It’s one thing to have something genital sort of woven into something you’re displaying, but these are pretty graphic. Do you giggle and point at it and say “that’s actually me”!!

    Linsey – You’re going to be a brilliant dazzling, sparkly hot woman. Just stay out of the sun or you’ll spontaneously combust. And don’t forget your vulva pendant. You could swap and trade with friends

    Skye – I haven’t seen anything as bizarre for men. I know they have the anal bleaching thing and a lot of them like to shave themselves naked. I don’t think men would carry around a penis purse though or hang a replica of their penis around their neck. Or sit on a Frida Kahlo testicle pillow.

    Friar – Part of the Vegan Vulva Lip Balm ad should read “when there’s been altogether too much Lingering.” As to where I get this stuff – newspapers. I believe this post actually sprang from an article in the Globe…that stodgy button-down paper you hate so much.

    Coyote – It doesn’t seem to be all that hidden though.

    Dave1949 – You’re so old timey. Wouldn’t you rather be with a woman who sports crystals instead of nasty old pubes and smells like a candy cane and is all pink and new and has a Frida Kahlo uterus pillow to tuck under her heinie instead of just a plain old pillow like your mom had?

  8. Its unfortunate the marketers of this product weren’t paying attention in health class when the names of body parts were being taught.
    Imagine a real bejewelled vagina. In use, that would sort of be like screwing broken glass and the application would make waxing optional – just a cute little speculum- scented perhaps?

    Who’s responsible for the content of Vulva Original- it does offer “more organic content” More than what I wonder, but hey if it saves that young man from a depraved life of seat sniffing then maybe it isn’t all bad.

  9. This is freaking weird … Who knew? I did know about the dye. Just last night I was telling Mr. Jazz about it. He Googled “cootchie makeup” or something along those lines. Some bizarre shit popped up on that one… And that commercial… that is just so wrong on so many levels, I can’t even begin to wrap my head around it.

    Oh, and foster understanding and appreciation of Vagina. Last I looked, it wasn’t a person, it was a body part.

  10. @XUP

    Oh, I don’t hate the Globe. In fact, they printed one of my letters to the editor, a few years back.

    Just that I’m not thrilled about paying 2 bucks for it, where I live.

    And like I wrote earlier, it wouldn’t hurt if they had some decent comics.

  11. Jay – Ya, calling everything “vagina” is a weird phenomena. They teach kids that at school, too. Wasn’t that ad hilarious? I was totally expecting him to sniff her shorts.

    Jazz – Ya, there’s no article attached to Vagina in that mission statement. It’s an entity unto itself I guess. Who knew? See? We desperately need these sorts of awareness campaigns.

    Friar – I had a letter printed in the National Post once! I can hear the whoooooo of amazement and great admiration already. And who needs comics when you have great vulva product updates like this?

    Alison – I don’t know what’s up with Mayopie. He kept starting new blogs left right and centre and then never bothered to come and comment or read anyone’s blog anymore. I haven’t heard squat from him in ages.

    Pauline – It would be fair, but I don’t think there are enough men dumb enough to buy into this crap.

  12. I’m horrified at this post. Are you pulling my leg? Is it April Fool’s Day?

    I suddenly feel very smelly and dull. I need jewels, stat!

  13. I’m trying to deal with this post on an intellectual level…. but like I could do that:
    1) I think that Vagazzling is stupid. Look at it this way – so you’ve attracted your partner and he is totally entranced with your sparkly vajayjay. You get down hot and heavy! HEY! a sparkly just went up your cootch! Times out and start fishing for that uncomfortable chunk of Xircon. Sexy and romantic.
    2) Vaginal breath mints. What ever happened to a nice clean “flange”? Is Clorets behind this product? Let me assure you that if I go down and I smell minty freshness I’ll assume that either she was chewing gum with it or that its masking something really nasty. Like a midget hiding in there. Both for me are causes to “pack up my junk” and get the hell out of “Dodge” . (And don’t forget that if you bump into the midget – he may tell you that “He’s not happy”)
    3) Seat sniffing has a great and honoured past. There was a guy in my first year biology class at Brock who did that. You actually knew him XUP. For starters I don’t want to know what a strange woman’s punani smells like. Second of all I happen to know that each woman has a unique aroma. To “capture that” and put it in a squeeze bottle takes out all the organoleptic fun out of it. To prove it I am willing to do a blind tasting. I am willing to smell 10 women’s nether regions, then I’ll willingly be blindfolded and identify each woman by aroma alone.
    IF I want to keep the scent of a woman I am active with for later enjoyment then thats what my MOUSTACHE is for. Or my elbow if she’s italian.
    One question about those purses though…. would a woman really step out in public with one? If so – I think I am going to make a “Murse” with a life size johnson sticking out of it.
    John Holmes’ Johnson.
    I’m pretty sure that they’s sell like hotcakes at the next Tronna Pride Parade.

  14. skye
    April 26, 2010 at 3:39 am
    …Please! And I bet it only gets worse the more you delve into it.

    ———-

    As a Lesbian for some reason I can’t stop laughing at this comment…I am not sure why…it is just making me tear…

  15. After reading that, all I could think is that someone out there probably has one of those pendants that they have covered in the “cologne.” Now I’m picturing that person sitting somewhere in public sniffing their pendant. Why, why do you put these pictures in my head?

  16. geewitz: maybe the two inventors can get together and create a pendant with a squeeze bottle? For some reason the “Ziffles” from the old Green Acres show rings a bell. They had a fake Christmas tree and when “olive-ah” went over to ask why they would do that – because they miss out on the great smell of a real tree – they send Arnold the pig under the tree to squeeze a bulb full of “tree scent”.
    The mind as a strange balloon…..

  17. @XUP-I strongly disagree! Men buy all sorts of stupid crap. How else can you explain the hundreds of men who have those plastic testicles hanging from the bottom of their trucks?

    Plus, don’t forget how some of them burn through money at strip clubs.(One of the biggest scams on the face of the planet)

    When it comes to stupidity and consumerism, I think men and women are pretty much tied.

  18. There are plastic balls for the bottom of trucks? Come on! Seriously? Now I will be looking under trucks and will probably have an accident…thank you in advance.

  19. Lynn – Well I should hope so! You’re spending too much time baking and looking after your kids when you should be vajazzling and de-humanifying your womanly bits.

    Lebowski – Ahem…thank you for that very thorough and intelligent discourse. This is perhaps a tad more than anyone needs to know about you or your mad olfactory skillz. but nevermind. You probably have a better nose and tastebuds than most given your training. You will, however, have to email me the name of that seat-sniffer.

    Cedar – I need you to explain fully and in great detail exactly why Skye’s comment is making you giggle.

    Geewits – Now you’ve put that picture in everyone else’s head. Because I’m pretty sure yours was the only head that conjured up such a picture to begin with. I couldn’t even imagine wearing that in public. Do people come up to you and say, “hey, is that your new hot pink button or just some random chick’s?” Or do you give it to your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend to wear? I can’t decide if the pendant or the twat purse is crazier.

    Pauline – You’re probably right. Maybe men would be proud to be wearing an “exact” replica of their wiener around their necks on a chain. Think of all the new neck stress injuries there would be!

    Cedar – Where have you been? Check this out. http://www.dragginnutz.com/images/rear%20truck%20shot%20copy.jpg

  20. I would like to answer in detail why it amused me XUP, but I can’t delve into that right now. And now I find myself looking under all the trucks in the parking lot and I am sure when I drive home tonight. I don’t see Seattle as the Truck Balls kind of town however. But so many glitter and sparkle and such.

  21. Damn, my dryer died (again) today. Time to break out the crazy glue and pass the Tic Tacs.

    Please define ‘authentic vulva’.

    Over and out.

  22. Cedar – So, did you see any truck testicles? I don’t think any city is immune to rednecks. They might not be native Seattlites, but I’m sure a few Canadians cruise on down there from Alberta once in a while. Keep your eyes peeled and let us know when you spot one.

    Grace – I guess “authentic vulva” as opposed to all the tarted up vulvas out there these days with the pepperminty taste?? And ya, where the hell is Mayopie??

    Linsey – Do you and Cedar know each other? Ya’ll should form a bloggers group like we have in Ottawa and get together for brunch or something. It’s tons of fun.

  23. I taught my 3-year-olds to say “vulva” instead of “vagina” or “coo-coo” or something.

    It had the expected consequences.

  24. I don’t think many men would have to worry about neck strain if they wore an exact replica of their penis around their necks.

    I don’t even know what to say about the rest of this..

  25. Sean – It was in the Globe. It ain’t pretty, but I guess it qualifies as news.

    Sarah – What are the expected consequences?

    Glen – My implication was that all guys would grossly exaggerate the size of their manliness and wear giant phalli around their necks in an attempt to fool hot chicks (kind of like when women wear padded push up bras)

  26. It’s not that I don’t love you all. You see, when I lost my job I stopped sitting in front of a computer all day. The time I am spending online is usually writing, the rest being devoted to trying to get some messes cleaned up and start a couple businesses. That being said, this was the best post ever. Vaginamentos, the fresh-maker. Exciting times we live in.

    I guess guys can just use those air fresheners you hang from your rearview mirror. I think I’m going to get one of those little pine tree shaped ones so it will be Christmas in my pants all year. I think that would be appealing to any lady. Women love the holidays.

  27. Mayopie – Hey! Good to know you’re still alive. Too bad about the unemployment thing. Now’s your chance to move to Canada though. It’s the land of opportunity. As to the Christmas in Your Pants idea — women love chocolate, too. I’m just sayin’ …think Dairy Queen.

  28. I remember on one of the pregnancy forums I was on before I had my first child that there were a bunch of women who obsessed endlessly about needing to be all shaved just so before they went into labour because, oh my! how horrible it would be to be unkempt when the nurses and doctors would be all about their business down there. And I thought–you gotta be kidding me. I should hope the nurses and doctors are thinking about delivering a healthy kid, and not mulling over whether I should have made myself an appointment for a bikini wax at the first signs of labour approaching.

    Needless to say, the stuff you’ve posted here even goes beyond that in terms of ridiculousness. Some people have the weirdest priorities.

  29. Mary Lynn – Back in the day (my mother’s day) they used to shave women about to give birth anyway. Then they’d drug them stupid, slice them up from stem to stern, get the forceps and yank the kid out. And then, in the weird foreign country where I was born they took the baby away for 10 days so the mother could recover and let her milk come in before foisting a squalling infant on her. Oddly enough we had a really hard time bonding.

  30. oh my lords! i started to read this at work and had to quickly click away in fear of big brother. this has to be the most bizarre topic i have read about in a good while. it sparked an interesting conversation with the hubby too, who thinks it’s just as ridiculous, but was mildly curious about the vag mints. i too am all for bodily lovin’ but this seems like it caters to people with too much time and money.

  31. Smothermother – Reallly? He might be interesting in having you smell and taste like a candy cane? Make sure you understand all the ingredients first — I’m pretty sure some of that stuff wasn’t meant to be in the area it says to put it.

  32. Andrea – I reckon no one knows about them. I guess they need some more aggressive marketing. I will go look them up right now though – thanks

  33. ok the german add i just saw over at sassy’s place and just about peed my pants.

    i dont know how you find this stuff. the pendant? LOL! i cant believe there is such a thing. so funny. and the clutch. i must have.

  34. Jobthingy – I double dog dare you to bring that clutch to one of the blogger breakfasts.And maybe that pendant would make a great gift for your man! Would he wear it?